Weighty Matters

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Squashing Hope and Pride

If you don’t want to read a rant, you might want to move off to another blog.

I joined a Facebook group of people who are also following the Always Hungry? plan.  Today someone posted about a recent visit to her doctor.  She’s worked hard to follow the plan and has lost 11 pounds.  Emotionally, she was feeling good and strong about sticking to the plan and seeing weight loss.  She had to go to her doctor about a knee problem.  While he praised her for the weight loss, before the end of the appointment he also said that she might have to consider weight loss surgery to stop the progression of her body breaking down.

You could read in her post how his words deflated her spirit.  When I read it, all I could think was, “Damn him. There were other ways that he could have handled this situation.”  He could have encouraged her to keep on going with her weight loss efforts and pointed out that every pound lost reduces the stress and pressure on joints.  Nope.  Instead of positively reinforcing her efforts and building her up for continued success, he tore her down.  In his mind he was probably doing due diligence, just being honest and fulfilling his responsibility to his patient.  I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt that he didn’t realize the negative, hurtful, upsetting message he delivered.

I also don’t know if he gets that telling someone they may need to have weight loss surgery isn’t necessarily an effective message that will achieve the desired results.  Based on my own experience, I emphatically do not believe that anyone should have such a drastic, life-altering surgery unless it is 100% their choice to do so.  This is all my own opinion, of course, but I’m putting it out there.  If they are not completely committed to researching all options, to delving deep into their own heads and hearts, to redefining their relationship with food and eating and change their behaviors, it is the wrong choice.  They may enjoy success at the outset, but ultimately, there is too high a chance that they will ultimately fail.

I had a similar experience to this other woman.  In 2007, I had a significant gall bladder issue, namely a gall stone the size of a large olive was stuck in a duct.  I was in the last week of managing three weeks of filming for a tv series.  All around me, co-workers were suffering stomach virus symptoms and I was positive that’s what I was fighting off.  The symptoms of stomach upset, would come and go in waves.  Finally, when the shoot was over, I conceded that I should get to the doctor.  Maybe I needed a pill or something, right?  The night before my appointment, I was in constant discomfort, felt like if I could only start throwing up I’d be better.  I also felt like I was running a fever.

By the time I got to the doctor, I was absolutely miserable.  I stretched out on his exam table, hurting.  Even before he listened to my symptoms and did an exam he said, “I would not be doing my job if I didn’t tell you that you need to have weight loss surgery.”

I was shocked.  Not that he thought this because, well, he was a surgeon with a morbidly obese patient in front of him, but because, hello!, that patient was lying on his table in pain.  Bad timing.  Because I was in pain I couldn’t even come up with a great answer.  I sort of mumbled, “I know, I know, but could we focus on the problem I’m here for right now?”

It only took him about :30 seconds to diagnose the problem and schedule me for a couple of tests the next morning to confirm his diagnosis.  By the middle of the next day I’d already had my gall bladder removed, come out of the anesthesia, and was in a room for the night.  I was discharged the next day but not before hearing again about my urgent need for weight loss surgery.   I never went back to that doctor again.

Here’s the thing, right or wrong, I wasn’t ready.  I wasn’t in denial.  I knew, pretty much every single moment of every waking day, that I was super obese, but I also knew in my heart that I was not in the state of mind, state of emotions to commit to all of the changes that weight loss surgery would mean.

I struggled for the next four years.  I resisted.  I gave up on myself.  I went up and down emotionally and in my spirit.  When I had that defining, line in the sand moment and the big realization that I did not want to give up on myself, that I didn’t want to be dead or disabled by the time I was 60, I was ready to make the choice.  Because I was ready to make the choice, I was ready to commit 100%.

You know the success I’ve had and the struggle. Overall, I am more successful than not.  Just because I’m not yet all the way where I want to be does not invalidate my progress and the level of success I’ve achieved and, more importantly, maintained.

I wish the woman’s doctor was more aware of his words and their effect.  I wish he’d handled the situation differently.  I hope with all my heart that the woman is able to take support from the me and the other posters who commented back to her and not get so depressed and discouraged that she stops trying.  I also hope that she doesn’t allow herself to be pressured into a surgery that she isn’t ready for.  If she comes to the decision on her own, that will be a big difference.

As long as I’m ranting, I’ll share something else that happened this week on that same group.  It’s a very active group so I can’t possibly go back and find my exact post, but I had shared how good I felt not experiencing cravings and that I was really enjoying freedom from compulsive eating behavior.  The doctor who devised the plan and wrote the book left a comment on my post.  The gist of it, or at least the gist that I read and reacted to, was that people buy into the idea that there is a psychological reason for overeating when it’s really just necessary to eat the right combination of good foods.

I read that and it felt like he was invalidating eating disorders; like he was saying it’s all in my head.   I respectfully disagreed in my response and explained that I’ve lived with this for decades and recovery is not just about eating the right combo of foods.  I’m not denying that following this plan has improved my physical satiety and that helps to reduce physical cravings, but the compulsive behavior is more than hunger or cravings.  Heck, I don’t even need to be hungry, in fact, I could be stuffed to the gills, and still reach for food compulsively if I have something else going on and brewing inside my head and/or emotions.

Right now, the food plan that I am following is an extremely useful and effective tool.  If the percentages of fat, protein and carbs work to reduce the physical cravings, great.  That can go right along with the surgically altered stomach forcing me to cut down on  portions.  If I’m in a bad place and binge eating, there is only so much room in my stomach to overeat before it will hurt and come up again.  Stomach… food plan… both tools.

I honestly don’t think that the doctor intended to invalidate my experience as someone with an eating disorder.  He responded back to me and another poster who also disagreed with him in the comments.  His followup comment clarified his position a little more clearly and I felt better afterwards.  I don’t really need him to validate my experience; I’m just touchy when I perceive that someone thinks that food disorders aren’t every bit as much of a real disease as any other addictive disorder.

Okay, my rants are over for the day.  Thanks for sticking with me.

 

 

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Reality Perspective

The last week have readjusted my perspective on how I was working my program and my recovery for the last 18 months or two years.  It has provided me with a strong and much needed reality check.

While I knew that I was eating healthier and working out more, I didn’t truly see that I was not following my own recovery program as closely and vigilantly as I did in the first two years after weight loss surgery.  In my delight over all of the positive changes I’d achieved and the new, great things I was enjoying, I didn’t see my own denial.

Ricocheting around on a food plan when on already has a screwed up metabolism does not foster an environment for success.  Somewhere along the line, I started making too many excuses and not owning enough responsibility for my own actions.  “Everything in moderation” can still be a reasonable approach, as long as the “moderation” part remains reasonable.  In my case, it did not when it came to processed carbs, refined sugars and other foods that do not contribute to my recovery and health but absolutely add to my weight.

I’m not going to beat myself over the head with the club of blame.  I’m a flawed human being with an eating disorder, an insidious disease that clouds my reasonable thinking among other things.  It is what it is.  Rather, it was what it was.  What matters is what I know today, now, and how I use it for positive action as I move forward.

Don’t think for a minute that a week of success has me thinking that I’ve got this thing all under control.  That would be a myth and very dangerous thinking.  I believe that if I continue to work my tools and look at the plan and my eating choices with painstakingly precise care, I can remain abstinent one day at a time.  I know that I am not ready to never again eat pasta or a piece of cake, but I am absolutely willing to stick to a structure and a plan where these things and their relatives are not every day choices.

I want recovery of all types – mental, emotional, and physical.  I know that I need to hold on to this recent reality check and use it effectively moving forward.

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Reboots, Restarts and When Not to Upgrade

I haven’t posted in a week for a couple of reasons.  Physically and mentally, I’ve been exhausted when I get home at night.  I also made what turned out to be a mistake for my computer when I upgraded to Windows 10.  Nothing but problems and, again, I was just too tired at night to figure out a resolution.  Tonight I finally Googled for answers and found out that it’s pretty easy to resort to the previous operating system, so I did that.

Oh, if it was only as simple and uncomplicated to uninstall all of the things that we sometimes take on in our lives, only to find out that they don’t work the way that we need or want them to!  I can think of a bunch of choices I’ve made that I’d like to undo with a couple of clicks and then a restart of myself.

Right now, I feel like I’m fruitlessly and fitfully searching for an upgrade to my eating plan and daily food diet that will magically reboot my weight loss, resolve my cravings, help me make better choices and, just because I feel like repeating it, reboot my weight loss.  That’s the insanity of my head.  When I get a little crazy like that, I have to stop and remind myself that easy does it.  I have to avoid overcomplicating matters and stick to basics.  Eat healthy.  Eat in balance.  Keep working out.  Trust that results will come.  There’s no magic to it.  No big secret.  Eat healthy.  Eat in balance.  Keep working out.

I resolve to stop looking for some incredible, easy fix.  It doesn’t exist.  There is no special upgrade.  Each day I just need to restart on the sensible approach that I know works.  Eat healthy.  Eat in balance.  Keep working out.

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One Day Can Make a Difference

My stomach feels much better today, less raw and uncomfortable.  It’s been smoothed by creamy, healthy smoothies, tea, lots of water, and soup.  My head, and by head I mean my mind, and my heart (emotions) feel much better today too.  Writing it all out last night and then making a plan and sticking to it today ending up being very self-affirming.  I was more clear-headed and better able to focus on my tasks.  Food was not a big issue; I wasn’t attacked by unending compulsion to eat in appropriately.

In program, we focus on one day at a time.  Now the day is winding down.  I’m chilling at home with a last cup of green tea and getting ready to settle in with the television shows I like to watch.  Tomorrow when I wake up and before my feet hit the floor, I’ll recommit to another day and know that it can make a positive difference.

Thank you for being here.  I hope you’re having a good day too.

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Binge Food Reimagined

Thank you to everyone who contacted me about Pyxi.  She is no worse, thank goodness.  She’s eating and taking her meds.  Her energy level isn’t quite where it usually is, but neither is she markedly lethargic.  So, I’m cautiously optimistic that she’s holding steady at the very least.  Perhaps the medication will gradually lead to some improvement.

Emotionally, I was much better today.  Still concerned, but I didn’t cry multiple times.  I was able to focus with greater effectiveness and not dissolve into a mushy mess.  I also succeeded in sticking to my abstinence and not catapulting off the recovery wagon to plunge into vats of inappropriate food.

It might be a little premature, but I feel like I’ve turned some sort of corner over the last week where my eating disorder and recovery are concerned.  I’m not obsessing about food.   I’m committing to my food plan on a daily note on my phone and then logging meals, snacks, water and exercise in My Fitness Pal.

Staying on my food plan is accomplished with little struggle and angst.  .  I’m not beset by cravings.  This all greatly reduces my levels of eating disorder-related stress and anxiety.

While writing this, I just had a realization.  You know how I’ve been seeing an acupuncturist?  As part of the treatment, she places some needles in key points in my outer ears to assist with the food cravings.  For the last couple of weeks, after removing the needles at the end of the session, she sticks tiny metal “seeds” on the points to continue help with the cravings/food thoughts.  Normally, these begin to irritate me by now, the evening of the day after the treatment.  According to the practitioner, the irritation or twinges happen because a particular point or set of points needs the assist.  So, it was no coincidence, I guess, that I had irritation at the seed points when I was also struggling with the compulsive disease.

Tonight, I’m not struggling and the seeds aren’t bothering me.  Also not a coincidence, I suspect.

This week, I’ve been more open and willing to exercise.  Not just the rowing classes, which I love, but also finding other opportunities to be active.  Yesterday, because I had an early acupuncture appointment, I didn’t have to leave my house as early as usual.  So, I pulled on a bathing suit and did a half hour of exercise in the pool.  The other night, I rode my bike to and from Tai Chi.  All of these things add up.

Speaking of rowing, I am very proud of myself today.  I absolutely nailed the day’s routine.  There were three of us in the 4:30 p.m. class.  We were going for consistency and distance in increasing increments.  First we rowed for a minute, then three minutes, five minutes, seven minutes and nine minutes.  All these had :20 rest periods in between the intervals.  We had a two minute rest and then five one minute rows in which we gradually increased our strokes per minute.  All told, in slightly more than 30 minutes, I rowed the equivalent of 3.5 miles!  I also earned zone master designation for the class which means that I kept my heart rate up in the desired 80-89% range for the longest amount of time overall.  I also was the cool down champion, meaning I brought my heart rate back down the soonest.  Not bad, right?  Particularly when I was older than the other two rowers by about 30 years.

From there I drove home and made dinner, which brings me to the real topic of tonight’s post — reimagining binge foods.  There are certain foods that I absolutely cannot trust myself to eat in sane, healthy, portion-appropriate ways.  I will binge on them.  It’s that simple.  When I’m in a bad place with my eating disorder, I’ll bring them into the house, even though I know that I will definitely overeat.  When I’m in a good, healthy, abstinent place, I don’t get those particular foods.  It just isn’t worth triggering a binge.

Pizza is a binge food for me if I order it when I’m alone.  I’m okay if I go out with friends, or have it here when I have company, but I absolutely cannot be alone with pizza.  At all.  Back in the pre-weight loss surgery days, I could easily plow my way through an entire pie, washed down with a liter of soda.  These days, with the restricted stomach size, even if I can’t physically fit more than, say, a slice and a half, if there is leftover pizza in the house, I’ll keep going back to it and pick at the toppings and cheese.  It’s a different kind of binge, but it still counts as one.

This totally bites, because I love  pizza, but I accept the limitations.  I’ll have it if I’m out with friends sometimes, but that’s it.

Last week sometime, the rowing class trainer and all of us were talking eating healthy.  For me, I’m making a concentrated effort to up my protein grams per day, and cut way back on refined sugar and starchy carbs like bread, pasta, rice, potatoes, etc.  For example, earlier this week I cooked and mashed up celery root.  Mashed celery root makes a fine substitute for mashed potatoes.  I seasoned it up, added a little plain Greek  yogurt and have enjoyed a reasonable serving at eat dinner.  Anyway, back to the trainer.  He mentioned that he and his wife, who is also a trainer, experimented with a cauliflower and cheese “pizza” crust and it was great.

I’ve seen this cauliflower crust from time to time in Facebook recipe memes and other places, but I’ve never tried to make one.  As it happens, I got a head of organic cauliflower in my organics share this week, so I vowed to try it tonight.  I even went so far as to prepare the cauliflower part last night so I could put it together with the other ingredients and bake it tonight.

Cauliflower, some cheese, seasonings, and eggs make up the mixture.  You spread it out like a crust on a baking sheet and bake it at 400 degrees for 20 minutes.  Add your favorite toppings and bake for 10 minutes more.  Tonight I spread some homemade tomato/red bell pepper/meat sauce over the top.

Oh.  My.  Goodness.  It was absolutely delicious!  No, not the same completely chewy texture as a thick flour/yeast crust, but so tasty that the difference didn’t matter one bit.  My meat sauce topping was pretty darned terrific, too.  I thoroughly savored and enjoyed my reasonable portion of the dish and felt no compulsion to binge or otherwise overeat.

Success!

I then input the ingredients into My Fitness Pal and determined that, even with the cheese, the Cauliflower pizza crust is definitely a healthy alternative to regular pizza.  181 calories, 14 g of protein, only 4 grams of carbohydrates; 12.5 grams of fat.  I can’t get too worked up about the fat grams since I didn’t slather more ooey gooey cheese on top.

Look, I don’t pretend to say that I will never again eat “real” pizza, but having this delicious, healthier, reimagined version of a dreaded binge food makes me very happy!

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SANE Eating Plan

A couple of days ago, I came across a short article by a registered dietitian in the Miami newspaper.  In it, she talked about being inundated by diet headlines when standing in the check-out line of the supermarket.  I knew just how she felt.  The magazines have sooo many suggestions… Detox, eat this, that or the other thing for a flat belly.  Lose a gazillion pounds in a week by eating this superfood.  Melt off the fat by doing this.  Don’t eat THAT food.  It will make you swell up like the purple kid in Willie Wonka.

I always consider it ironic that across the aisle from these self-help magazines are all of the magazines for cooking, recipes, great cakes, seasonal menus, etc.

Anyway, after seeing all of the headlines, the dietitian shared an approach that she highly recommends.  She calls it getting SANE… as in adopting a food plan that is sustainable, approachable, nutritionally balanced and enjoyable.

It makes eminent good sense.  Sustainable, as in picking a food plan that you can reasonably follow and maintain.  A plan you can stick with.

The next step is to realize that healthy eating is an approach.  We embrace it without becoming dictators to ourselves.  Giving ourselves permission to splurge or have a treat sometimes will help us sustain the effort.

The dietitian is a fan of eating minimally processed food.  Whole, natural products are desirable for the N – nutrition.

Finally, there’s the idea of enjoying the food we consume.  Good food that tastes great, nutritionally sound meals prepared freshly with flavor — all make it easier to eat well.

S.A.N.E.  doesn’t this sound like good common sense?   I’m keeping it in mind as I plan my daily meals.  Like the dietitian says in the article, eating this way won’t help us lose 15 pounds in a week, but following it consistently will help the weight come off.

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Extended Funk Part Deux – and the “D” Word

First I want to say that you all are terrific and I am grateful for your concern.  I appreciate you checking on me. This funk and the food relapse have really taken hold and I’m having more trouble than I anticipated fighting my way through it all.

I haven’t wanted to post because it’s been difficult for me to face facts and talk about them, but my agreement with this blog, myself and everyone that reads it is that I don’t come here and post bullshit.  I’m not going to come and lie that all is great with sunshine, roses, and sparkles when all is not great.  This blog is my gut-check honesty place.    So, rather than lie, I emotionally isolated.

My relapse continues and it’s the worst it’s been since before my weight loss surgery.  I’ve gained weight, although I don’t know how much because I haven’t stepped on the scale.  I can feel it in my clothes and in the way my body feels.  More than the physical results, the emotional and mental effects are the worst.

I know I’ve said this all before and I’m like a broken record right now, but there isn’t anything original about binge eating disorder.  Relapsing sucks.  Feeling out of control messes me up in a myriad of ways.  I’m unhappy and that also has an impact in other areas of my life.    Also shared before is the chronic heel pain from which I’ve been suffering which severely limits my ability to exercise.  Not only do I not reap the physical benefits, but I’m lacking those uplifting endorphins.

At least I took positive action for that condition and saw a doctor last week.  I’d properly self-diagnosed the condition – plantar fasciitis.  I am now following the doctor’s instructions – wearing good sneakers, stretching to loosen the tight calves, taking over-the-counter anti-inflammatory meds, using a splint at night.  I am mostly following the no bare feet/no flip flops directive although that’s honestly the most challenging.  I hate wearing anything on my feet when I’m home.  However, he told me I can wear original Crocs so I truly am trying to be better about this too.  I want the condition to get better.  Constant pain is, well, a pain, and limiting the types of exercise I can do interferes with my recovery plans.

Yes, I do have recovery plans.  I can’t let all of my hard work and effort fall apart.  It is never too late to begin again, unless I’m dead, and good Lord willing, I’m not going to die anytime soon.

I need to go back on a diet.  The dreaded “D” word used to describe programs and methods of eating and making food choices to result in weight loss.  That runs counter to a lot of my accepted knowledge about having an eating disorder and being in recovery.  Heck, it runs counter to a lot of popular medically-influenced thought these days.

On the other hand, it can also mean, to me, an actual plan that embraces healthy food choices  with frood eaten in planned-for, structured, non-binging, non-compulsive ways.  That’s the kind of diet I need.

However, I also know that, as much as I hate admitting it, I need that validation of seeing pounds come off of my body, seeing the number go down on the scale.  Sure, keeping to my food plan of healthy eating and abstaining from compulsion should be enough positive reinforcement and engender the feel-good spirit and emotions that keep the abstinence rolling.  But, I’m human.  At least in the beginning, if I see that I’m losing weight again, I will feel better.  I am less likely to then engage in attacking myself with ugly thoughts, angry labels, and shame-inducing negative comments about my weak character.

So, here I go again, my friends.  Once more into the breach.  This really is a never-ending journey, an eternal process and, to be honest, a constant effing struggle.

It isn’t easy and never will be.  However, it is always and absolutely worth it.

Thanks for hanging in with me.  How are all of you doing?

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Drawn to Scale

Most days, stepping onto the scale is part of my morning routine.  I know that I’m very focused on the number as a measure of my success or lack thereof, depending on what the number reads.  Someday I’ll figure out a way to break that fixation.  I tried not weighing myself for two weeks, which spread to a month, but in the interest of complete honesty, doing so right at the time more fed into my denial.  It allowed me to ignore that some poor eating choices was leading to weight gain.

So, of course, I was over-the-moon delighted that I lost 7 pounds in the first week of Lean-Clean-Green.  Yes, I was just as, almost as, pretty excited that I felt so great, but the weight loss was the true validation.  On the one hand, frequent weighing grounds me in reality.  On the other, more negative hand, frequent weighing distracts me from what ought to be my main focus – eating in a way that is abstinent of compulsion and bingeing.

Again and again I remind myself that it’s about the behavior.  My weight is more like an indication.  It’s the end result of the eating disorder.  For me, anyway.  There are many, many people with this disorder who are not overweight.  I am not a number on the scale, yet I am drawn to that square piece of glass and metal with its electronic sensors.  That number can set me up with an “atta girl” affirmation or be used as a club with which to beat myself.

This is another aspect of overreaching need to embrace acceptance.  After all, since I am not on a diet, there is no end date or end weight that halts the effort.  Eating in healthy, non-compulsive, ways is a lifelong endeavor.  There is no magic weight that I’ll reach where I can proclaim, “Ta da, I’m done!”

Yes, I can celebrate milestones, like when I eventually make it into “One-derland” or when I also eventually hit what I’ve determined is the target number that I want to use as my baseline measurement.  I have that number in my head.  I’m thinking of it as the measure that I want to stay “at or around” for my own physical well being.

Other than that, it doesn’t really matter if the number on the scale is acceptable if the way that I’m eating is off track.  So, again, something to keep working on in my program of recovery.

How about you?  Are any of you scale and weight obsessed?

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Little Wins

I almost called this post Small Victories, but that’s the title of a book I’m reading by the wonderful Anne LaMott and I didn’t want to steal it for my blog.  I will no doubt write a whole post about this book after I finish it, so stay tuned. 🙂

It’s Day Three of Lean-Green-Clean and it’s been another day of good, clean abstinence from compulsive overeating.  Even though I mentioned a few posts ago how my body feels different when I eat clean versus when I eat crap, I am frankly amazed at how much better I feel after only three days.  My systems and cells are practically singing.  They’re much happier when I fuel them with healthy, nutritious food and don’t inflict big quantities of fat, junk carbs, processed foods, and sugar.  I’m also doing a better job of hydrating, which increases the wellness.  I have more energy too.

I’m sure there are people who might look at this and think, “Three days.  Big whoop.”  To a lot of people, eating clean, green, healthy food in appropriate volume isn’t difficult.  It’s, shall we say, normal.  For me, one day of abstinence from compulsive overeating is a win.  I can’t take the days, any of them, for granted.  I sure can’t look at the effort and consider it easy or think there’s nothing to it.  Humility and gratitude are important to my recovery.

On top of the overall day, I had a particularly special “win”.   A group of us got together right after work at neighboring restaurant for the send off of a dear co-worker who is going on to a different job.  I’d already decided that I wouldn’t order anything to eat, but instead just enjoy the time and then eat my planned-on meal when I got home.  It’s not that I can’t eat out at a restaurant, and the food is good at this place.  I just knew, however, that the portions would be huge and there weren’t many menu items that fit the lean-green-clean plan.  I felt strong and confident in this decision.

I hadn’t planned on there being a large cake at the gathering.  Red velvet with a cream cheese frosting, to be exact.  It was sitting right on the table in front of me . . . so close that I could actually smell the cream cheese and the sugar.  Others at the gathering offered me a slice and I didn’t even think about saying yes.  I sat there with everyone and that scrumptious looking/smelling cake for a good 45 minutes, just talking and sipping a glass of water.  It wasn’t even a case of white-knuckling my way through the event.  My mindset was strong, calm, and sure that I truly didn’t want to eat any cake.

That truly is a victory for me.  I faced down a substance that is usually addictive and didn’t give in to my disease.  In addition to checking in and noting how I feel physically, I need to spend some time acknowledging how recovery feels to me emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.

There’s a saying in program that nothing tastes as good as abstinence feels.  I’m celebrating that feeling tonight.

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Scale Separation Anxiety

Holy cow.  I weighed myself one final time this morning because, for all of my brave talk yesterday, I wanted, needed to know my number before I embarked on giving up the scale and not focusing on the number.  Oh sure, if I’d been really strong I wouldn’t have gotten on the scale this morning, but I caved.  I’m glad that I did because I received the reassurance that I did not gain weight on my cruise.  So, Booyah for me on that point.

After I saw the number, I got off of the scale and nudged it under the dresser.  There it will remain.  I am determined that I am not going to weigh every day, or even once a week.  I think I should go for 30 days of abstinent living and not weigh myself for a month.

Can I tell you that the thought of going that long tenses me up?  I haven’t even gone a regular 24 hours without weighing myself and I’m already feeling some separation anxiety.

This is ridiculous.  Clearly I am even more obsessed with my weight number than I realized — and I thought I’d realized that I am pretty damn obsessed.  Friends, let me tell you.  Feeling this stress and tension drives home the point that I really need to take this action and break my scale number addiction.  In appropriate doses, the scale number can be a healthy measure of progress.  What I’m doing, this fixation, is not healthy.  So, changing the behavior is, I think, a step in the right direction.  I am even more determined to focus my attention and effort on eating in an abstinent manner — making it my daily goal to be abstinent for the day, each day, one day at a time.

Abstaining from compulsive overeating is the essence of my recovery.  Losing excess weight is the happy extra benefit.  (Hah — can I be my own friend with bennies?  Bad joke.  Sorry.)

Okay.  Here we go.  I’m going to make a commitment.  I honestly don’t know if I can hold out for a whole month, so I’m going to shoot for a shorter commitment but still one that’s a significant amount of time to count.  I will not weigh myself again until Monday, February 16th.  Two weeks.  I can do this.  Instead of obsessing over my weight number, I will concentrate on my abstinence and recovery.  Every day.  One day at a time.

By the way, I had a great abstinent day today.  I don’t want to let my scale issues cloud the acknowledgment that today was a good food day.

Tomorrow, I wake up and do it again.

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