Weighty Matters

It’s a sleepy Sunday morning and I don’t have a lot of deep thoughts and realizations running through my head.  Even so, writing something helps me maintain my focus so I figured I’d recap a few things.

This is my second full day on pureed and soft foods.   I’m really amazed at the shift in how I look at food and eating.  I used to wonder if the portion before me would ever be enough.   This morning I scrambled an egg with some mozarella in it for added protein and hoped that I’d be able to eat the whole thing.  Whole thing — like a single scrambled egg is a lot of food.  It isn’t.  I managed but it took me almost 30 minutes.  All my life I’ve heard the advice that eating slowly is a good practice.  Now it’s the only way I can consume food.

Last night I met friends for dinner.  It’s the first time that I’ve been out for a meal in almost two months.  I wanted very badly to see these friends who were in from out of town for a few days so we picked a local restaurant that I’ve been to before.  I was confident that I could find something on the menu to meet my needs.   I almost opted for the hummus platter when I spotted a newer item — chicken or tuna salad with fruit.  Not very glamorous, but chicken salad is something I can tolerate while in this stage.  When my plate arrived, it held a generous scoop of chicken salad on a bed of greens surrounded by grapes, pineapple and mandarin oranges with three slices of baguette.  I can’t eat bread yet, so I put the slices on another plate.  I can eat fruit if it’s cooked, so I decided right then that I’d take it home and stew it or something later.

My friends and I had a lovely time chatting while we ate.  I took a quarter of a forkful of chicken at a time, put down the fork, and thoroughly chewed before swallowing.  I probably didn’t eat more than two – two and a half ounces all told but it took me as long as it did my friends to eat their entrees and I enjoyed every morsel.  I brought the rest home to eat for lunch today.  Given the amount that remains, it might be lunch and part of dinner.

The experience taught me a lot.  I can eat the way that I need to even in public without a problem.  My friends get it and don’t feel weird eating bigger meals in front of me.  They’re genuinely thrilled for me.  To Go boxes are always available.  My new way of eating in no way diminishes the social benefit of dining out with friends.

Win-win all around!

A lot of people who have had this surgery have shared that they hit a stall or plateau in their weight loss around the third week post-op.  That didn’t happen to me, but I full expect it will at some point.   Even though logically my head will remember that stalls happen and the weight will eventually come off, I anticipate that I will have some negative feelings.  I’m determined to take my measurements once a month and, to measure again if I hit a plateau because I know that even if the scale number doesn’t move, the inches probably still reduce.    It’s important to shore up my defenses so that my attitude remains positive.

Finally today, I am overwhelmed at the everyone’s support for me.  I’ve never met some of you who comment here and know you only from the blogosphere and Bettyverse.  Your input and positive energy means a lot.  I hope you’re getting something in return from your visits, but please know how much I appreciate you — along with the friends I’ve known all or most of my life.    People, both here and in my everyday life have been terrific.  Yesterday I got a call from a man whom I know socially, mostly through his wife who is friends with other friends.  Turns out that he had weight loss surgery over four years ago.  He heard that I’d just gone through it and called to offer support, encouragement and helpful tips.  “You’re in the club now,” he told me.  “If you have any questions or there’s anything you need, keep my number.”  He offered some great advice and, above all, the generous spirit that moved him to call touched me deeply.

Thank you, everyone.  I’m very grateful!

Today’s my first full day of pureed and soft foods after six weeks of liquids.  I woke up excited to taste things other than broths, protein shakes, plain Greek yogurt and juice.  I will admit that I was also apprehensive.  I have a history of binge eating and compulsive overeating.  What if I was so over-the-moon at the idea of cottage cheese that I shoveled it down into my small stomach pouch, only to have my body rebel and bring it right back up again?

Fresh in my mind was the dietitian’s reminder the other night that we really should eat a small amount of something – beginning with protein – every three hours.  At the time, I thought, “Every three hours?  Geezus, I’ll be eating all freaking day.  How’s that going to help me lose weight?”

I needn’t have worried.  I started the day with a single scoop protein shake because it was easy and I don’t mind the taste for breakfast.  (No time to scramble an egg this morning before Tai Chi.)  When I got home from Tai Chi class I knew I needed some protein and I gleefully opened a four ounce container of cottage cheese, ready to luxuriate in the tangy creaminess.

Four half-forkfuls later, I was done.  Seriously done.  I couldn’t stomach one more curd.  I felt full enough that if I’d tried another tiny forkful, I know I would have heaved.

The container wasn’t even half empty.  I now completely get the “eat a little something every three hours”.  The key is that bit about “little something” and the reminder that at every meal or snack, we need to get in the protein first.   Sure, if every three hours a person consumed the equivalent of a McD’s value meal, they’d gain weight at an alarming rate.  Two ounces of food every three hours — not so much.  In fact, now having taken my stomach sleeve on a soft food test run, I see that spacing out the food is the only way that I’m going to be able to consume enough food to satisfy my nutritional needs and remain healthy.

I put down the fork and drove off to pick up my dogs from doggy camp where they’d stayed while I was out of town overnight.  When we returned home I ate another small forkfuls of the cottage cheese and then took in some more fluids.  (Everything in balance.)  I did some chores, cleaned the pool and did some water exercises and just now finally finished the rest of the cottage cheese.  One four-ounce container eaten over three “meals”.

Wow.  I’m pleasantly satisfied, but don’t feel stuffed.  This is a totally opposite way of eating for me and radically different feeling.  In the worst days of my eating disorder when I was completely out of control, I felt like there was never enough food to fill me up.  Of course, I was trying to satiate more than physical hunger, but in the meantime I packed in huge quantities in relatively short periods of time.

This is so different and so incredibly pleasant.  Miniscule meals — yet another new tool for success!

One of my worst old habits is my compulsive behavior over food.  See it, want it, eat it — think about it after, when it’s too late.  On my worst days of binging, I could plow through a pizza — inhale a few entire slices and then keep going back to pick off the cheese and toppings on other slices.  Finish that off with several guzzles of regular soda until I was so full that it’s surprising my body didn’t burst.

I would chow down so quickly that I wasn’t even fully aware of what I was doing and certainly didn’t know whether I was truly hungry for more, more more.

I’m working very hard on changing this destructive eating but I still slip a little here and there.  Last night, I went to the supermarket to buy some of the foods that I’m permitted to have while on this stage of my recovery.  While in the store, I caught the unbelievable, mouth-watering aroma of something wafting from the appetizer/deli/prepared food area.  I swear, it’s like I was compelled to buy just one piece and take it home.  Even though I knew that this was not a good idea and that my system would not tolerate it well, I munched and munched.  It wasn’t a large quantity — large quantities are not possible — but it was a harsh, fattier food that I ate far too rapidly, without thinking about how my stomach would react, or without caring.

Within minutes, I felt my stomach ache as a result.  On top of that, I had very little room for the healthier, protein enriched dinner that I needed.  This was a double screw up on my part.

It was also a valuable lesson.  I’m going to remember how awful I felt and how I had to fight back the nausea.  The next time that I’m tempted to repeat an old compulsive habit, I want to recall the experience and stop myself before I act.

A friend of mine who had gastric bypass surgery a few years ago warned me that I would experience times when my head would tell me I wanted to eat something I shouldn’t, or consume more than I can handle with my smaller stomach.  “Don’t be surprised if you overdo and the food comes right back up again,” she said.  Although this experience didn’t go quite that far, it was on the edge.

“You’ll only do that a couple of times before you retrain yourself.  It’s not worth it,” she added.

She’s so right.  I don’t care how great something tastes in the moment, it isn’t worth the uncomfortable results.  I’m determined to not only kill the old habit, but bury it so deep that it doesn’t come back to get me again.

Today’s my first day back at work full time since surgery.   I came back a few half days last week, but this is major.  Physically I feel great and mentally I needed to be here and actively engaged in my regular responsibilities.

Last night, I realized that I had to prepare myself for the new normal.  This means that I need a good, solid grasp of what I need to have around to fulfill my nutritional needs.  I’m still on “full” liquids so there’s no such thing as not bringing stuff with me to work.  I can’t just run down to the lunch truck and grab a sandwich or hot dog or chicken tenders.  Thankfully, I’d thought ahead and had soup in the house that I could bring with me today.

I’m also staying on top of my fluid intake.  I live in the Florida Keys.  It’s hot down here most of the year.  I am frequently outside with my job.  It is extremely easy to dehydrate.  Once again, if I let that happen, it’s a big problem.  Gone are the days when I can grab a bottle of water and chug it down to replenish my depleted fluids.  Frankly, if I take more than a couple of sips at a time, that water wants to come right back up.  I need to sip, sip, sip and then put down the bottle and wait a moment for all of the liquid to settle.  There’s no room for guzzling.

I filled up the water glass on my desk as soon as I got in this morning.  No matter how busy I get, I reach for the glass and sip regularly.  When the glass is empty, I go right to the cooler and refill.

When I move to pureed foods, I’ll enjoy a greater variety but will still need to make sure that I have foods I can eat readily available.  Pre-planning is the key.  I think I’m going to buy a small plastic box that I can fill with some of the foods I can eat — like cottage cheese, fruity yogurt, and some ready-to-drink protein shakes.  That way, if I ever do forget to bring something from home, I’ll always have what I need around anyway.

This is my new normal.  The sooner I’m accustomed to it, the better.