First I want to say that you all are terrific and I am grateful for your concern. I appreciate you checking on me. This funk and the food relapse have really taken hold and I’m having more trouble than I anticipated fighting my way through it all.
I haven’t wanted to post because it’s been difficult for me to face facts and talk about them, but my agreement with this blog, myself and everyone that reads it is that I don’t come here and post bullshit. I’m not going to come and lie that all is great with sunshine, roses, and sparkles when all is not great. This blog is my gut-check honesty place. So, rather than lie, I emotionally isolated.
My relapse continues and it’s the worst it’s been since before my weight loss surgery. I’ve gained weight, although I don’t know how much because I haven’t stepped on the scale. I can feel it in my clothes and in the way my body feels. More than the physical results, the emotional and mental effects are the worst.
I know I’ve said this all before and I’m like a broken record right now, but there isn’t anything original about binge eating disorder. Relapsing sucks. Feeling out of control messes me up in a myriad of ways. I’m unhappy and that also has an impact in other areas of my life. Also shared before is the chronic heel pain from which I’ve been suffering which severely limits my ability to exercise. Not only do I not reap the physical benefits, but I’m lacking those uplifting endorphins.
At least I took positive action for that condition and saw a doctor last week. I’d properly self-diagnosed the condition – plantar fasciitis. I am now following the doctor’s instructions – wearing good sneakers, stretching to loosen the tight calves, taking over-the-counter anti-inflammatory meds, using a splint at night. I am mostly following the no bare feet/no flip flops directive although that’s honestly the most challenging. I hate wearing anything on my feet when I’m home. However, he told me I can wear original Crocs so I truly am trying to be better about this too. I want the condition to get better. Constant pain is, well, a pain, and limiting the types of exercise I can do interferes with my recovery plans.
Yes, I do have recovery plans. I can’t let all of my hard work and effort fall apart. It is never too late to begin again, unless I’m dead, and good Lord willing, I’m not going to die anytime soon.
I need to go back on a diet. The dreaded “D” word used to describe programs and methods of eating and making food choices to result in weight loss. That runs counter to a lot of my accepted knowledge about having an eating disorder and being in recovery. Heck, it runs counter to a lot of popular medically-influenced thought these days.
On the other hand, it can also mean, to me, an actual plan that embraces healthy food choices with frood eaten in planned-for, structured, non-binging, non-compulsive ways. That’s the kind of diet I need.
However, I also know that, as much as I hate admitting it, I need that validation of seeing pounds come off of my body, seeing the number go down on the scale. Sure, keeping to my food plan of healthy eating and abstaining from compulsion should be enough positive reinforcement and engender the feel-good spirit and emotions that keep the abstinence rolling. But, I’m human. At least in the beginning, if I see that I’m losing weight again, I will feel better. I am less likely to then engage in attacking myself with ugly thoughts, angry labels, and shame-inducing negative comments about my weak character.
So, here I go again, my friends. Once more into the breach. This really is a never-ending journey, an eternal process and, to be honest, a constant effing struggle.
It isn’t easy and never will be. However, it is always and absolutely worth it.
Thanks for hanging in with me. How are all of you doing?
Weighty Matters 
A food plan is not a diet, but a tool of recovery.
Very, very true. I hate when I get into the diet mentality.
Mary, I had plantar fasciitis, too. I found icing the bottom of my foot at night helped. I hate wearing shoes inside, but good support makes all the difference to healing. Even now if I walk barefoot on a hard surface too long, I notice a slight discomfort. If I ignore it, the pain returns. Anyway, I found some Teva sandals that helped my pain. When I went looking for a new pair I saw several reviews that mentioned they helped plantar fasciitis for other people as well. Not the prettiest sandals but… http://www.zappos.com/p/teva-tirra-black-grey/product/7593648/color/139
I lost a significant amount of weight, but have regained it. I’d done a lot of reading about weight loss and regain, so I wasn’t surprised, but I still felt the dismay and despair when it happened. I believe it occurs because of push back from the body trying to maintain weight. Probably leptin is part of the cause. Anyway, my next attack on weight loss involves trying to change my set point. If you google “Beth Israel Deaconess” and “set point” you’ll find what I’m talking about. It’s a slower approach than I wish it was, but I’m hopeful it might work long term to keep weight off.
Fingers crossed that we both have success.
Thanks so much for the sandals suggestion and also the info on the set point. I’ll look into both. It will be a while before the doctor lets me wear sandals again, but at some point he will and I want to be prepared!
Regarding weight loss, I’m coming to understand that steady and consistent are more important than fast. I’m glad that you aren’t giving up but that you are going after your effort again. I’ll be thinking of you!
Try changing your excersises, do more biking and swimming to give your feet a rest. Join a gym where you can do some machines that will strengthen your muscles and give you that endorphin boost. Start a project, have a yard sale, get out on your boat, do anything that gets your mind off the path of beating yourself up. Do what make you happy!
Hi Mary, I have been following your blog for sometime now and have been, and am still, awed with what you have achieved. Also your focus, honesty and willingness to share your journey. The determination you have demonstrated so far makes me think that (as painful and challenging as it is) that this will be just a ‘road bump’ along the way of getting to your goal. So hang tight and ride it out. I also struggle with binge eating. I have found that when things are very out of control for me, I need something to basically reboot my brain back to healthy eating again. Clinical hypnosis has worked for me really well. It stops the negative chatter that gets in the way of my motivation and it also seems to rewire the decision making so that small meals and healthy choices become so much easier. It is not a miracle; because one still has to set goals and focus on movement & meal planning etc. I just thought I would raise it in case it might be something you hadn’t yet considered. I hope you find what works for you again and that the plantar fasciitis eases soon. Best wishes.
Hi, Elly,
Thank you for your kind words and for sharing about clinical hypnosis. Oh boy, do I hear you that there is no miracle, but honestly, rewiring the decision making with that kind of assistance could be very helpful. I’ll check it out.