I can’t believe that I have gone seven months and not blogged. I am so sorry. As I look at comments, I am deeply appreciative that you checked up on me. Again, I’m sorry.
I really didn’t mean to be gone so long. I thought it would be a short break and then I’d think about blogging and not feel like I had anything of any interest to say. Other times, I’d think that I really should check in because I missed all of you, but I’d feel overwhelmed or overtired from the day and think, “Tomorrow.” Lots of tomorrows followed one right after the other.
Looking back, I’ve had a lot of days when I felt all of those things and more – that I had nothing of interest to say, that I was overwhelmed, that I was exhausted. It’s been crazy for me at work and for most of the last seven months I’ve been a department of one doing all of the responsibilities that are normally handled by me and another person. No surprise that by the time I finished in the evenings, I couldn’t muster the energy to write. To be honest, I had a lot of nights where I’d fall asleep on the couch, right in the middle of a television show I wanted to watch.
Honestly, I think the thing that really held me back was not knowing what to blog about. Frankly, I was in a really bad place with my food and eating, and I was constantly struggling with my eating disorder. Emotionally, I was on a roller coaster. Physically, I felt like crap as I kept putting on weight, losing it, then putting it back with a little extra. I guess I thought that all of my blog posts would be bummers.
Not that all of the last seven months have been horrid. No, far from it. I took an awesome trip to Brazil and the Amazon forests in August. I’ve continued to work on my workouts and Tai Chi. I’ve had some fun times with friends and family.
Still, I let so much of my emotional state get wrapped up in my eating disorder or success at dealing with it and all that stuff.
Here’s the bottom line, I regained 50 pounds of the 182 I initially lost. I don’t know if I ever typed that reality before. I kept trying different things and approaches but my disease keep getting the better of me. I started to get really frightened that I wouldn’t be able to stop and I would become one of the bariatric surgery patients who ended up regaining every pound. Did I say frightened? Hell, I was terrified!
Fortunately, right when I needed it, I got an email from a company of two women who have created a business offers programs and support to people who have had weight loss surgery. (Both principals have lap bands.) I checked out their website and an upcoming six week web-based class designed to help people get back on track. I signed up and it really helped me settle my head and emotions. From that, I joined their year-long online group that does a weekly weigh-in but encourages lots of sharing and posting via a closed Facebook group. The women also create weekly challenges and suggestions.
Just in a couple of weeks (that group started January 3rd), I’ve begun to settle even more and, more importantly to me, I have learned a lot. The key learning is how much I don’t know about long term strategies and suggestions for weight loss surgery patients. I am now getting some concrete, workable suggestions on how many grams of protein to aim for a day, what range to keep my daily carbs in, how much water I should drink, etc.
There are other practical tools on exchanging habits, goal-setting, fitness, and the like. All of these things have been huge gifts and just what I needed to hear, learn and implement in my life. I now am no longer backsliding and terrified that I will regain all of my weight. I am confident in my ability to stay emotionally even, eat healthy, stay on plan, and lose weight. I’m staying consistent with my fitness goals too.
All of these things would be important overall in my life. They are particularly and acutely important right now. One of the other aspects of my life that I’ve had to face is that the condition of my right knee has deteriorated from two years ago. I have more pain, less strength and less stability and it is affecting my life much more than it used to.
I had been fighting the inevitable. The only way to improve my condition is to have knee replacement surgery. I resisted this solution like the most obdurate woman alive. It took some gentle questions from my brother for me to dig into the why of my resistance. It came down to the fact that there will be a period of about four weeks when I will be unable to drive. I hated the thought of losing my independence for so long.
It took awhile, but I’ve resolved the resistance. I consulted a really good orthopedic surgeon, scheduled a surgery date (March 15th) and have everything in motion to get this done. The sooner I have the operation, the sooner I can rehab and recover.
The surgery date is also extra motivating for me to focus on my food plan. I intend to lose as much weight as possible before my operation while I continue with my fitness commitment. These steps will aid my recovery process.
So, this pretty much summarizes where I’ve been, where I am today, and what I’m looking ahead to in the near future. Another goal is to once more return to blogging here. Hopefully, I won’t bore you while I’m working through the process.
How are all of you?