Most days, stepping onto the scale is part of my morning routine. I know that I’m very focused on the number as a measure of my success or lack thereof, depending on what the number reads. Someday I’ll figure out a way to break that fixation. I tried not weighing myself for two weeks, which spread to a month, but in the interest of complete honesty, doing so right at the time more fed into my denial. It allowed me to ignore that some poor eating choices was leading to weight gain.
So, of course, I was over-the-moon delighted that I lost 7 pounds in the first week of Lean-Clean-Green. Yes, I was just as, almost as, pretty excited that I felt so great, but the weight loss was the true validation. On the one hand, frequent weighing grounds me in reality. On the other, more negative hand, frequent weighing distracts me from what ought to be my main focus – eating in a way that is abstinent of compulsion and bingeing.
Again and again I remind myself that it’s about the behavior. My weight is more like an indication. It’s the end result of the eating disorder. For me, anyway. There are many, many people with this disorder who are not overweight. I am not a number on the scale, yet I am drawn to that square piece of glass and metal with its electronic sensors. That number can set me up with an “atta girl” affirmation or be used as a club with which to beat myself.
This is another aspect of overreaching need to embrace acceptance. After all, since I am not on a diet, there is no end date or end weight that halts the effort. Eating in healthy, non-compulsive, ways is a lifelong endeavor. There is no magic weight that I’ll reach where I can proclaim, “Ta da, I’m done!”
Yes, I can celebrate milestones, like when I eventually make it into “One-derland” or when I also eventually hit what I’ve determined is the target number that I want to use as my baseline measurement. I have that number in my head. I’m thinking of it as the measure that I want to stay “at or around” for my own physical well being.
Other than that, it doesn’t really matter if the number on the scale is acceptable if the way that I’m eating is off track. So, again, something to keep working on in my program of recovery.
How about you? Are any of you scale and weight obsessed?
Weighty Matters 
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