The last week have readjusted my perspective on how I was working my program and my recovery for the last 18 months or two years. It has provided me with a strong and much needed reality check.
While I knew that I was eating healthier and working out more, I didn’t truly see that I was not following my own recovery program as closely and vigilantly as I did in the first two years after weight loss surgery. In my delight over all of the positive changes I’d achieved and the new, great things I was enjoying, I didn’t see my own denial.
Ricocheting around on a food plan when on already has a screwed up metabolism does not foster an environment for success. Somewhere along the line, I started making too many excuses and not owning enough responsibility for my own actions. “Everything in moderation” can still be a reasonable approach, as long as the “moderation” part remains reasonable. In my case, it did not when it came to processed carbs, refined sugars and other foods that do not contribute to my recovery and health but absolutely add to my weight.
I’m not going to beat myself over the head with the club of blame. I’m a flawed human being with an eating disorder, an insidious disease that clouds my reasonable thinking among other things. It is what it is. Rather, it was what it was. What matters is what I know today, now, and how I use it for positive action as I move forward.
Don’t think for a minute that a week of success has me thinking that I’ve got this thing all under control. That would be a myth and very dangerous thinking. I believe that if I continue to work my tools and look at the plan and my eating choices with painstakingly precise care, I can remain abstinent one day at a time. I know that I am not ready to never again eat pasta or a piece of cake, but I am absolutely willing to stick to a structure and a plan where these things and their relatives are not every day choices.
I want recovery of all types – mental, emotional, and physical. I know that I need to hold on to this recent reality check and use it effectively moving forward.
Weighty Matters 
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