Weighty Matters

I missed blogging here yesterday.  Missed it because I was super busy all day at work, left late, and then had to rush to get ready for Tai Chi class.  when I got home after that, I was exhausted.  I also missed it emotionally because coming here, organizing my thoughts and putting them into words is proving to be so helpful for me on this journey.  Thanks again to all of you who come here and read and then post.  I appreciate you being part of the journey.

Today was just as crazy busy and I again left later than planned.  I’m proud of myself for handling work.  I had a project that meant that I would be out on the grounds for several hours and away from my desk.  I prepared for the afternoon by bringing a cheese stick, half of a protein bar, and a full bottle of water.   So, I knew that I would not get shaky or light-headed or dehydrated.  Points to me!

I rushed home, let out the dogs, then fed them and ran right out the door again to my  manicure/pedicure appointment.  What a fabulous way to end a busy day, right?  I love the pampering of my hands and feet and the bright colors I chose make me smile.

Unfortunately, the glowy mood didn’t last.  I came home and fed myself a leftover lamb chop and mixed vegetables.   I adore lamb whether freshly cooked or reheated.  The chop I made was deliciously seasoned and still tender.  Doesn’t that sound like a recipe for an enjoyable meal?  I thought so, which is why I cannot figure out why I was cranky and annoyed the whole time I ate.  Granted, “whole time” does not mean an hour or two, but that’s not the point.  For the first time since I started eating solid foods again, I was just pissy.

It took awhile for me to figure out that I wasn’t angry over the choices or the flavors but over the fact that I couldn’t finish the chop.  I could only eat a few bites.  Tasty bites, to be sure, but only a few.  The pissy feeling was resentment.  I was angry that I couldn’t eat more, but instead had to settle for truncated enjoyment.  Yes, yes, I know I’ve been doing great and that the excess pounds are practically melting off my body.  I’ve been feeling terrific and happy, excited about all of the wonderful, positive, healthy changes I’ve made.  I know all of this, but it still didn’t lessen the resentment.

Normally back in the old dieting days, a night like tonight would have progressed to me eating something that wasn’t on my food plan.  It’s like I would take it as license to cheat.  I sat here grumbling and resentful for a while, and thinking about how even going to eat something else wasn’t an option because I was full and overeating would only make me throw up.

Eventually, not being able to anesthetize the resentment with food led me to deal with the feelings.  I pretty much told myself to get over it.   I stopped dwelling in the pissiness and returned to remembering how happy I am that I chose weight loss surgery.   As cranky as I might get, I still don’t regret for one second that I’m where I am today and on my way to an ever more terrific tomorrow.

I’m much better about it now.  Resentment gone.  Annoyance shelved.  Tomorrow’s my official weigh-in for the week and I also have my two-month follow up with my surgeon.  It’s going to be a great day.  I can feel it.

I just need to remember that every once in awhile, old feelings will return.  That’s okay.  This is about positive progress, not necessarily perfection.  As long as I don’t sabotage myself, I’ll continue to be just fine.

I’ve mentioned earlier that food was often a club I used to beat up on myself.   It was also a reward.   How many times did I decide to “treat” myself with something scrumptious, rich, tasty and calorie-laden?  Special occasions, cool accomplishments, making it through a stressful day, making it through a not-stressful day.  It didn’t matter, delicious food was a way to reward myself for anything and everything.

I can’t reward myself with food anymore, at least not in the same way.  I guess when I start eating beef again, I can treat myself to an excellent piece of Kobe, even if I only eat a little at a time, but I’d far rather devise a new reward system for myself.

Most of the rewarding things that come to mind cost money.  I believe, in my newly growing self-esteem, that I’m worth the expense, but I can also justify spending the money on myself.  I’m eating so little that my weekly tab at the supermarket has dropped considerably.  I think it’s beyond okay for me to take some of what I used to spend on food and splurge on something that provides a boost of positive reinforcement to me for all of the hard work I’m putting into my weight loss and the ensuing progress and success.

I love being pampered.  I already get my nails done every other week and a pedicure done monthly.  I usually get a facial every couple of months, but I think that I’m going to make a point of scheduling one for myself on a more consistent basis.   All of the potions, lotions, masks, and massaging make me physically feel terrific and they also make my skin look great.  Super reward!

I adore fresh flowers in my house, so buying a bouquet to treat myself is another good reward.

Clothes shopping isn’t as much of a treat.  It’s more of a necessity, particularly the more weight that I lose.  So, going on a shopping spree doesn’t feel like as much of a reward.  So, what else can I do?  Oh, I musn’t forget my Promise List.  I can’t do some of those things yet, but when I’ve lost enough weight and regained enough fitness, you better believe that I will relish experiencing each of the promised activities.  I’m positive that visiting Hawaii sometime in the future will be very rewarding, and that’s just one thing on my growing list.

I guess I don’t need to design all of my rewards right now.  The most important thing is that I remember that I am worthy of being rewarded.   Yes, sure, some folks could say that living a healthier lifestyle is its own reward.  They aren’t incorrect, but where’s the fun in stopping with that explanation?

Every step we take on the journey to our goals takes effort, energy and commitment.  It’s important to remember that and pay ourselves on the back every once in awhile.

How do you reward yourself?  What makes you feel particularly great?  Don’t know?  Then what steps can you take to discover your own rewards?

I’m going out to dinner with friends tonight.  It’s the first time since I’ve been on “solid” foods and only the second time since the surgery almost seven weeks ago.  Most of the time I either eat alone at home or here at work which are not exactly social occasions.

I’m confident that I will find something on the menu that I can eat.  Even though I’m ostensibly on a solid or “regular” diet now, it doesn’t mean that I can pick anything that I want.  The nutritional guidelines tell me to gradually reintroduce my body to different foods, preferably at the slow rate of one “new” food every few days.  My stomach is not yet ready for me to feed it filet mignon or a pork chop.  The guidelines suggest starting with flaky, mild fish (I hate seafood.) or dark meat of chicken.  The dark meat is more juicy and tender and they tell me I can ingest that more easily.

I know the restaurant where we’re going.  I know I can get a chicken dish, even if I’m not able to specify thigh or leg meat.  That’s okay, I’ll make sure to eat the chicken breast slowwwwwwly so it doesn’t stick anywhere.  Oh, the things to think about!  Actually, I hope that they still make their pistachio encrusted chicken wrap.  If I remember correctly, there are spring greens inside the wrap and serve it with rice and black beans.  If that’s on the menu, I can deconstruct it by picking out the cut up chicken and adding a small dab of honey mustard if needed to moisten.  I couple of modest forkfuls of beans (more protein) and rice with some spring greens and I’ll have a more than satisfying meal.

As long as I pay attention.  Social eating is a challenge to mindful eating.  It is hard to focus on what’s on the fork while simultaneously chatting and laughing.  So, that’s the big reminder that I need to take with me to the restaurant.  Whatever I order to eat, I need to still concentrate on what and how I’m eating in the moment.  I can stay within my guidelines and food plan and not overstuff myself.  Can I do it and keep up with the conversation?  I guess I’ll find out!

Since I don’t plan to live the rest of my life as a food hermit, I need to begin learning how to mindfully eat even when I’m out with others.  I know it can be done.  It’s just another new experience.  Hopefully it will work as another tool to put in my kit!

I’ve spent most of the day thinking I had nothing to blog about today.  I’ve been going about my business, getting things done but not rushing around.  In between tasks, I’ve taken time to cuddle the dogs or watch competing cooks on a show.  About half an hour ago, I realized that I’m in a nice, even place emotionally.  I’m not upset about the fact that my weight number still hasn’t moved.  I’m not second-guessing myself and wondering if somehow I went off track with my food plan and that’s why I haven’t lost any pounds in over a week.  Somehow, I moved into a place of acceptance and my serenity returned.

Okay, maybe I shouldn’t say “Somehow”.  I actually attribute it to coming here and writing about the stress, the emotional junk, the ups and downs of the journey.  Putting it out here gets it out of my head.  It gives it a place to go so that I don’t carry it around.

There is also the added bonus that posting it to my blog means that wise people like you leave thoughtful comments and lovely support.

My head and heart are balanced today.  I posted in a comment earlier that I did the brisk at-home walking exercise and got all of the way through the one mile that had defeated me earlier this week.  That felt great!  Instead of beating myself up that it was “all” I could do, I’m celebrating that it’s more than I did a few days ago.  I’m looking forward to building on that until I can do the two-mile, then in their time, the three and four mile exercises.  However, by the time I get to three miles, I’ll be back to walking on the 7 Mile Bridge!

In another hour or so I’m going to join some classmates and do Tai Chi on the beach.  I revel in the way my body feels when I do the moves.  I love the way that the deep breaths infuse my cells.

All of this lifts my spirit.

Head, heart, body, spirit. . . Everything’s in great shape today and that sets me up to have another great day tomorrow!

Some cousins of mine are vacationing in the Keys this week and they’re coming over tomorrow for wine and conversation on my porch.   I might have a few sips of wine, but won’t go more than that small portion.  I’ve decided to make two of my favorite-to-make hors d’oeuvre items – mini buffalo chicken meatballs and mini-jalapeno souffles.  I looked at the recipes and realized that both will give me good protein without a lot of carbs or fat.  Plus, they are “small bites” so I can enjoy them with my company, fill my nutritional needs and not stuff myself.  By making and partaking, I won’t feel like I’m depriving myself and not having fun.  Bonus!

Hope you’re all having a great weekend.

Most of us spend much of our lives doing things for our families, friends, jobs, pets.  Often, we put ourselves last, or at least further down the priority list.  Either that or we focus on all the things we need to get done that fall in the category of personal responsibilities.   This weekend, I know that I need to get together information for my taxes.  I need to vacuum, dust, and do laundry.  There are still more boxes in the office that should be sorted so I can clear out even more space.  (Lately I’m thinking that if I clear enough space I could fit an elliptical machine in there for exercise.)

The To-Do list doesn’t go down in size unless I take care of those tasks.    However, I’m a big believer in scheduling “me” time and doing things for myself that I really enjoy.  This self-nurturing and self-care enhances our lives.  Me time restores and rejuvenates us and that is so important!

Today I gave myself to engage in plenty of Me time.  I started the day with Tai Chi class, which I really enjoy.  I had time after to come home, let out the dogs and read the local paper while rocking on the porch and enjoying the pretty sunshine and lovely water.   After that, I went off to have my hair colored and have my eyebrows shaped.  When my hair looks terrific, and it always does once my stylist works her magic, I feel the boost to my energy.  I like the silky swing of it and the soft texture when I finger comb the strands.  It makes me smile.

Honestly, spa and salon activities are a preferred source of Me time.  In addition to my hair appointments,  I get a manicure every other week, a pedicure once a month, and also go for a facial about every six weeks.    The pedicure chairs at the salon also massage you while the nail tech works on your feet.

I love the pampering. Even above and beyond the facts that these activities make my hands and feet look and feel terrific, and the facials help me keep my skin healthier, the fact that I’m being worked on in positive ways that feel great in the process enhances my overall spirit.  If my cells and muscles could sigh with happiness, you’d hear them and smile.

After I got home from the hair appointment today, I could have broken out the vacuum cleaner or the duster.  Instead, I picked up the book I’m reading and went out on the porch again with the pups.  Two neighbors were sitting out next door by the water and I joined them for a nice chat.  After an hour or so, I came in, read some more and even took a brief nap.  Total relaxation was the order of the day and I know I’ve responded quite favorably.

Tonight I’m continuing to chill at home.  I might go to a late movie in town . . . or I might extend my relaxation and also go to bed early.  Whatever seems the most appealing is the activity I’ll choose.  After all, today is all about me!

How do you give yourself me time?  Do you treat yourself regularly or are you overdue?

I was always a volume eater.  More food was always better, even though it was never really enough to satisfy whatever hole I needed to fill.  The thing is that I was usually careful not to eat a lot in front of people.  At an early age I learned to be a sneak eater.  I could open the bread drawer in the kitchen, remove and eat something and never tip off the family members sitting in the next room.  At the table I might practice good portion control, but out of sight of others, there was little limit to what I would eat.

Obviously I didn’t have to worry about other people seeing me once I lived on my own.  I remember times several years ago when I would go to a drive-through fast food restaurant and order two sodas so the people would think I was ordering for more than one person.  While on the telephone with a pizza restaurant, I’d even pretend to be consulting someone else in my house on the order, saying away from the phone, “Hey, do you want (fill in the blank) too?  Ok.”  I remember well the shame I felt over these behaviors.  I was positive that I was the only person in the entire world that resorted to them when obtaining the excessive amount of food I craved.  When I think of those days and the long list of food that I could consume during a major binge, I’m appalled and amazed.

Shortly after joining OA in the early 90s, I read a book written by another compulsive overeater in recovery.  She shared that she’d done the same things!  I wasn’t terminally unique at all.  That was a freeing moment and a great help to me while I struggled with all of the emotions and turmoil boiling up at the time.  I was maintaining abstinence from the behavior of compulsive overeating.  Without the food to anesthetize my emotions, they boiled up a lot.  🙂  Working toward freeing myself the shame, accepting that compulsive overeating and binge eating are disorders and that I wasn’t just a greedy pig with no self-control (Yes, that’s how I thought of myself.) really helped me deal with the negative feelings and lousy self-esteem.

Over time, I learned to resolve the self-abuse I inflicted in the names I called myself and foster greater self-respect.  My emotional recovery progressed.  I had some good long periods of abstinence from the actual food behaviors, too.  Unfortunately, however, I never quite conquered them enough to successfully banish them from my realm.  There have been many times when I had no emotional turmoil or crises or drama and stress and yet still binged.

Flash forward to recent years and where I am right now.  For the last ten years I’ve had a great life with a job that I love and that I’m damn good at.  My confidence in my abilities, my respect for myself as a person worthy of love and care is healthy and strong.  Emotionally I’m in a great space.  But I was still super obese and could not seem to put together a consistent effort long enough to lose weight.  So, after considering all options I chose weight loss surgery.

Now, consuming great volumes of food is not possible.  That behavior crutch was removed along with 70% of my stomach capacity.  Quantity is out, quality is in.  It’s a huge shift.  I wondered if I would feel deprived and resentful over no longer being able to eat what I wanted, when and in whatever amount I craved.  So far I don’t.  I’m more focused on appreciating every bite of what I can consume.

For those of you who have not experienced weight loss surgery, I thought you might be interested in knowing what a typical day of food is like for me right now.  Remember that I’m still on pureed and soft foods.  This will change as time goes on and I’m able to gradually add in solids.  Here are my menus for the last couple of days.

Yesterday:  Breakfast – 1 1/2 servings of Solgar whey protein powder in 10 ounces of skim milk; Mid-morning snack:  Reduced fat cheddar cheese stick; Lunch: 5.3 oz nonfat Greek yogurt with strawberry; Afternoon snack; two slices of thin sliced deli turkey; Dinner: 3/4 cup of Hearty Barley Vegetable soup; After Tai Chi snack: 1 1/2 TBLs soft brie cheese on low fat crackers.  Sugar free popsicle.

With the exception of the popsicle, every thing on that food list was chosen for the protein count and the flavor.   I savored the tang and sweet of the yogurt, the saltiness of the turkey, the rich flavor and colors in the soup, the creaminess of the brie.

Face it — that’s not a lot of food so what I do eat every day damn well better taste great to me.  It still amazes me that I eat so little.  I don’t experience much physical hunger, although sometimes my head still tries to trick me into thinking I want more or different than I should eat.

For the first time in my life, I don’t have a bottomless well that I’m trying unsuccessfully to fill.  I have everything I need.  I’ve traded a life obsessed with quantity for one where I can appreciate the quality and be completely satisfied.