I missed blogging here yesterday. Missed it because I was super busy all day at work, left late, and then had to rush to get ready for Tai Chi class. when I got home after that, I was exhausted. I also missed it emotionally because coming here, organizing my thoughts and putting them into words is proving to be so helpful for me on this journey. Thanks again to all of you who come here and read and then post. I appreciate you being part of the journey.
Today was just as crazy busy and I again left later than planned. I’m proud of myself for handling work. I had a project that meant that I would be out on the grounds for several hours and away from my desk. I prepared for the afternoon by bringing a cheese stick, half of a protein bar, and a full bottle of water. So, I knew that I would not get shaky or light-headed or dehydrated. Points to me!
I rushed home, let out the dogs, then fed them and ran right out the door again to my manicure/pedicure appointment. What a fabulous way to end a busy day, right? I love the pampering of my hands and feet and the bright colors I chose make me smile.
Unfortunately, the glowy mood didn’t last. I came home and fed myself a leftover lamb chop and mixed vegetables. I adore lamb whether freshly cooked or reheated. The chop I made was deliciously seasoned and still tender. Doesn’t that sound like a recipe for an enjoyable meal? I thought so, which is why I cannot figure out why I was cranky and annoyed the whole time I ate. Granted, “whole time” does not mean an hour or two, but that’s not the point. For the first time since I started eating solid foods again, I was just pissy.
It took awhile for me to figure out that I wasn’t angry over the choices or the flavors but over the fact that I couldn’t finish the chop. I could only eat a few bites. Tasty bites, to be sure, but only a few. The pissy feeling was resentment. I was angry that I couldn’t eat more, but instead had to settle for truncated enjoyment. Yes, yes, I know I’ve been doing great and that the excess pounds are practically melting off my body. I’ve been feeling terrific and happy, excited about all of the wonderful, positive, healthy changes I’ve made. I know all of this, but it still didn’t lessen the resentment.
Normally back in the old dieting days, a night like tonight would have progressed to me eating something that wasn’t on my food plan. It’s like I would take it as license to cheat. I sat here grumbling and resentful for a while, and thinking about how even going to eat something else wasn’t an option because I was full and overeating would only make me throw up.
Eventually, not being able to anesthetize the resentment with food led me to deal with the feelings. I pretty much told myself to get over it. I stopped dwelling in the pissiness and returned to remembering how happy I am that I chose weight loss surgery. As cranky as I might get, I still don’t regret for one second that I’m where I am today and on my way to an ever more terrific tomorrow.
I’m much better about it now. Resentment gone. Annoyance shelved. Tomorrow’s my official weigh-in for the week and I also have my two-month follow up with my surgeon. It’s going to be a great day. I can feel it.
I just need to remember that every once in awhile, old feelings will return. That’s okay. This is about positive progress, not necessarily perfection. As long as I don’t sabotage myself, I’ll continue to be just fine.
Weighty Matters 
Props to you for dealing with the emotions and working through them.
Sometimes I wish, maybe just once a month, I could velcro my stomach back in place and dive into a special meal … eat enough of a big hearty stew to get warm through and through; finish the 5-star incredibly amazing meal at the high end restaurant; go face first into an entire Gigi’s cupcake. Just revel and wallow in the food like a dog rolling in something smelly. ;=)
And then I’m glad that’s not an option, because I know the velcro magic would overwhelm me and I’d be right back where I started. So I focus on enjoying the bits that I can eat, and knowing I’ll get to enjoy it for more than one meal.
On the plus side, your volume capacity will increase as you go on, and you’ll be able to eat a little more — I’m still not up to a WHOLE chop, but I can eat enough that I’m more satisfied emotionally with what I do eat; I get to savor a bit more of the flavor. And interestingly enough, I don’t necessarily WANT to get to where I can eat a whole chop in one setting. I’m beginning to be very comfortable and very content with my portion sizes.
Through therapy, I have learned that it is best to go ahead and let the emotion flow through you. Don’t try to reason it away, don’t try to anesthetize it, don’t ignore it. Acknowledge it, uncomfortable though it may be, particularly for those of us who were taught to suppress our less “lady-like” emotions. And then, let it go. It’s only an emotion, it can’t do anything, hurt anyone; it is our actions that do that. It sounds like you did this very well! “What is this emotion? Pissyness. Why am I feeling pissy? Because I can’t just eat without thinking and thinking hard about it.” Perfectly reasonable.
I love how I sound all wise and stuff, but actually doing this on a consistent basis? It is to laugh. Sometimes the cookies are just so much easier.