NSVs | Weighty Matters

On Productivity

by Mary Stella

Whew, another active day but as I sit here, I am still coherent, so it’s a good time to blog. Here’s what I accomplished on this fine Saturday, the first day of my weekend off. I went to my 9 a.m. Tai Chi class for an hour, and then zipped over to Zumba Gold class. Faster pace, for sure, for the next hour. I don’t usually double up my exercise like that but I didn’t get to Zumba on Tuesday and I really want to get at least one class in each week.

After Zumba, I went over to the animal shelter. I’m on the Board and am also a volunteer. We’ve been working with a mastiff that has anxiety and stress issues. He’s really a sweet dog, but because of his size he can be intimidating if he gets all jumpy, and if he growls or barks when he’s anxious, so the more positive interaction he gets, the better. I actually worked with him a little on his leash manners too, enough that I felt confident that I could handle him on a short walk. He did great. I’m so proud of him.

After that I hit the supermarket, then came home and did some clearing out/clean up work in my shed. I had some squares of pebble tile left over from my pool and bathroom that I offered to a friend, so that clearing out involved lifting. Good work. I followed that up with some time in the pool, mostly cleaning said tile. Whew!

I did find some time to relax and read, which was great. I also made boating plans with friends for tomorrow. If all goes as planned, I’ll get to share about experiencing something else from my Promise List!

After dinner I remembered that I hadn’t walked the dogs today! Even though they had plenty of yard time, running in and out with me as I did my tasks, there’s something about a good walk. So, we set out for about 20 to 30 minutes.

This, my friends, was a physically active and productive day. It’s all made possible by weight loss.

The weight loss has also helped my non-physical productivity. While I’ve always been pretty efficient and also able to accomplish a lot of work, I’d noticed in the last few years before my surgery that my brain was draining sooner than I was accustomed. I also found that around 3:00 or 3:30 p.m. I really wanted to nod off at my desk. I believe now that the mid-afternoon snooze-desire was probably mostly due to the sleep hypopnea at night where I wasn’t getting the quality of sleep I needed in my 7 hours each night. I have also come to believe that the sheer physical energy I expended just in walking or going up the stairs to my office or, hell, just moving at all in my large body wore me out. No wonder I was tired mid-day! No wonder I often dozed off after dinner for a ten or twenty minute nap at home.

These days at work, I habitually have a sizeable to-do list. I probably always had a sizeable list, but I seem to have made it even more sizeable. It’s like the more that I get done, the more I think of to do, and the more I want to take on. I don’t need to doze mid-afternoon. I have more energy physically and mentally. Being healthier has enabled me to raise the bar for myself. I am now even more productive.

I truly love my job and believe in our mission. My work contributes to our success and I want to do whatever I can. So, this extra productivity also feeds my spirit. This is definitely a terrific bonus to the weight loss.

General Musings NSVs

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Acknowledging the New Me

by Mary Stella

I wonder how long it will be before I never think of myself as an obese woman but automatically remember that I’m much thinner and healthier now. It’s odd how I sometimes need to reset my thoughts. Things pop up out of the blue. Like today, for example. I was getting ready to take the boat out for a ride. It’s hard to describe but I keep it on a lift on the sea wall. I lower the boat enough to sit on the side, swing my legs in and stand up. Then I put it down the rest of the way.

Today I’d lowered it almost all of the rest of the way when I saw that I’d forgotten my water bottle. My first thought was, “Damn. Have to raise the boat.” Two years ago, that’s what I would have done. Today, I looked at the gunwale, remembered that my body is thinner and stronger, that my knees are steadier, and that my balance is greatly improved. All I had to do was step up on to the gunwale, hold onto the metal of the console for extra safety and then step down onto the lift platform. It really was that easy.

I was incredibly overweight for so long, that it’s not natural yet for me to remember that I’m different. Sometimes I still hesitate before sitting in a resin chair. I hold my breath at turnstiles. I do a lot of mentally measuring spaces with my eyes before I walk through. I suck in my breath and turn my back to the wall if someone wants to pass me in the hall, even if it’s a wide hall. Old, formerly necessary, habits, die hard.

These and other “size compensation” behaviors could stress me out like they used to, but I’m trying to remember to follow up the old thoughts with new, improved ones. Even if all I do is catch myself and remember, “Nope. Don’t have to do that anymore” or tell myself to go ahead and sit in that resin chair because it’s not going to break beneath me, it turns the experience more positive.

When I do something and it’s easier in my new body, or I engage in an activity that demonstrates my improved agility and balance, I do my best to mark the moment in my head. I believe the acknowledgement is important. I need to recognize these experiences, both minor and major. Each of those experiences becomes a brick in a better, stronger foundation.

I’m pretty sure that, as time goes on, I’ll see the flashback reaction to the old obese body less often. I don’t know if eventually I won’t think that way at all, and maybe I shouldn’t want it to. Maybe it’s good for me to remember how uncomfortable, awkward, limiting, and often painful that body was and how often it prevented me from participating fully in activities I wanted to do. Then I can remember how I’m not limited in the same way today. That is another way to acknowledge the new me.

Body Matters NSVs

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An Independent Life

by Mary Stella

Happy 4th of July, here in the U.S. I have the day off from work and am celebrating with an extra Zumba class at 9 a.m. After that, I’m walking a dog from our local animal shelter in the city parade. Tonight my porch provides a wonderful spot for friends to join me to watch our town’s truly wonderful fireworks display and we don’t need to fight the crowds at the beach.

In honor of the day, I’m thinking of all of the things I’m free of today because of my weight loss and fitter lifestyle. Today I’m celebrating my independence in a myriad of ways.

I’m free of chronic pain in my knee. Free of shortness of breath from merely walking. Free of always feeling bad about myself because of my super obesity. I’m free of the constant, nagging stress of worrying about whether I’d fit in a seat, break a chair, be able to buckle a seat belt, have enough room to maneuver in a bathroom stall.

I don’t project about other people’s reactions to me because of my size, or project my own concerns. I used to spend a lot of time assessing situations and spaces and relating them to my body shape and heft.

I’m free of medical conditions including high blood pressure, Type II diabetes and high cholesterol which means I’m no longer taking medications to help those conditions.

There are so fewer regrets in my life these days. Mostly I rued the things that I wasn’t doing and the experiences that I wouldn’t try because of my weight. Now I have the freedom to explore, to try, to do virtually everything I can think of that appeals to my sense of adventure and fun.

When I was at my top weight, I felt like I was living my life in lock down. It’s so much better to have thrown off the chains and given myself permission to move however and wherever I want to go — and to enjoy moving, dancing, and going with the energy flow.

Mind, body, and spirit are unfettered. I’m incredibly grateful and so happy for my personal independence.

General Musings My Progress NSVs

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Driving a Dream

by Mary Stella

I crossed another item off of my Promise List this weekend by purchasing what amounts to being a dream car. Ever since I was quite young, I’ve wanted a luxury convertible. When I first got my license, I dreamed of a Mercedes 450 convertible. My income did not keep up with that particular dream, let me tell you. Back in 91 I at least got a convertible — a much more affordable LeBaron. I loved that top-down freedom.

I haven’t pursued the dream in recent years because I knew that my great size would not make for a comfortable fit in one of these cars. Honestly, if I ever rented a car that was less than a full size, I even ran the risk of not being able to buckle the seat belt. After my weight loss surgery I started dreaming again and put it on my promise list. I no longer wanted a Mercedes but a few years ago, my eye was caught by a Lexus I saw in town. Every time I saw one on the road, I thought, “Maybe someday.”

Someday rolled around yesterday. I blogged a few weeks back about going in and test driving a vehicle (a 2010 model with low mileage)and the improved confidence I’d felt in dealing with the sales tactics. I walked away without buying back then because they wouldn’t come down to a price I wanted to pay. I kept an eye on the dealer’s website. Knowing that dealerships really don’t want to keep a car on their inventory when one month rolls into a new one, I sent an email to the sales guy earlier this week to say that I saw the car was still available and to contact me if they wanted to deal.

We exchanged several email with negotiations. They came down a lot. I came up a little and we made a deal!

I talked about this on the previous blog and I’m happy to say that everything went according to plan. I got back home in time to assemble and cook the baked ziti and prepare the Caesar salad. My co-hosts came over and prepared wonderful antipasto and bruschetta and punch and decorated. We had a great baby shower.

I have to tell you that when all of the paper work was done and I first slid into the car when it was mine, this incredible happy feeling came over me. Investing in this car was more than a dream come true. It was a reward for the hard work I’ve put into losing weight and getting healthy. I earned this dream with more than the money. I made the promise to myself and kept it — and that is a wonderful feeling.

Gotta say, I also think I look pretty good in that driver’s seat. What do you think?

General Musings NSVs

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Body Changes

by Mary Stella

It’s happened a few times. I run into someone I know who hasn’t seen me in a while and they do a double-take. I’ve actually had some people not recognize me. It’s an interesting thing to experience. Once they realize who they’re seeing, they usually gush and are very complimentary. I’ve finally reached the point where, most of the time, I can easily smile and thank them for their kind words. I have no problem telling them that I had weight loss surgery. There was a time when I thought that admitting that would make me uncomfortable.

Clearly it doesn’t or I’d never have started this blog, let alone kept going with it for more than 330 posts!

Next week I’m going on vacation to a fun-filled convention for writers and readers. I’ve gone to almost all of them since 1999. My favorite thing about it is that many dear friends also fly in from various places around the country. We don’t get to see each other nearly often enough and it’s always wonderful to reunite and spend so much time together for a few days. Most of these friends have seen pictures here and there on Facebook, but I know from having seen some people in person that the photographs really aren’t completely accurate.

So, next week I will be seeing a lot of people who last saw me this time a year ago when I was down about 60 pounds. Sure, that weight loss was already an improvement but I’ve lost 95 additional pounds since. Zumba, Tai Chi, walking, and water aerobics have shaped, toned, and streamlined parts of me too. Suffice it to say that a year’s time has brought about huge change. It ought to be fun.

Remember last month when I tried on a dress that I thought was in the smaller size that I could wear and it was too big? The replacement dress arrived today. I was a little worried about trying it on because it’s a 16/18. I don’t even know if I wore a 16 in college. I can no longer remember. Well, I slipped on the dress and it is a perfect fit! I ran to two different mirrors just to get different views. I really love this dress and can’t wait to wear it next week at one of the evening events. Yes, I will get a photo taken and post it. I promise. Pinky swear.

After trying on the dress I changed into exercise clothes and headed out to Zumba. I don’t know where I found the extra energy, but I killed it this evening in that class! Every move had that much more power and “oomph” in it. My abs were tight and my arm movements strong. I even managed more crunches than ever before. Doing those crunches while dancing isn’t easy. Depending on the dance, I can’t always coordinate the move and do them correctly. It amazes me to watch the instructors. Their moves are so fluid. I swear they can do 10 crunches to my one! I said tonight that within two years I want to be able to move my ab muscles and crunch with that same speed and fluidity. One of the instructors told me that two years was too long and I’d get there sooner. I’m not so sure, but we’ll see.

In the meantime, I’m not coasting through any of the moves. I give them my all, building my strength and burning as many calories as possible in that hour of dance. It sounds gross, but I even enjoy working up a sweat and having to blot it off my face. At least I know that I’m producing that sweat and ramping up my heart beat through genuine, effective, hard exercise. It’s a whole different feeling than when I struggled and gasped from the simple effort of walking in my enormous, out of shape body.

This is just another body change that I love. I sure as heck plan to keep building on it in the future.

Body Matters My Progress NSVs

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If It Doesn’t Fit, Ship!

by Mary Stella

It’s really been an up and down week, hasn’t it? Sadness and turmoil in the beginning, finding balance mid-week, now finishing up on good, happy notes. For someone who tends to eat over emotions, getting myself on track and not continuing with that behavior was a challenge, but ultimately, I feel successful now.

Wearing size 18W capris is nothing short of amazing to me. I had another clothing NSV too. I’d ordered two dresses in what I was sure was my new smaller size. They arrived yesterday and I absolutely love one of them, except it’s too big! Too big as in I can’t even fake it through wearing it this coming weekend and then getting it taken in. (I tried talking myself into doing just that but a friend talked me out of wearing it at all in this size.)

I really do need the even smaller size. I thought about just taking this one to the seamstress and having it altered, figuring that would be cheaper than shipping it back and paying for shipping for the new garment, but now I’ve decided to just start fresh. If I didn’t like the dress so much, I wouldn’t bother, but it will look really nice when I wear it to a conference in the beginning of May.

I’m discovering more than new sizes and am venturing into brave, newer territory on style and design. I have to say that this requires me to expand the boundaries of my comfort zone. I’m used to decades of trying to hide my weight, not that I ever really could, but I believed that at least I dressed size-appropriate and looked as good as I could manage. I covered up the flaws as best I could. I didn’t wear blouses that were so small the buttons strained to keep the garment closed and gaps showed anyway. My pants weren’t too tight and dresses hopefully masked the worst bulges and bumps.

Maybe this all worked and maybe it didn’t, but at least I believed that it did and that helped.

Now it’s time to rediscover style and try new things to find out what flatters me at this current size. The dress that I’m going to order in a smaller size has a banded waist so, it actually shows my waist. Some of the new blouses I bought are more fitted in the midsection too. The dress that I bought a couple of weeks ago, which I will now definitely wear next weekend at the event, came with a wide, stretchy belt that again, accentuated the waistline. I actually have a waistline now. Who’d a thunk? I hate the belt, but not because it’s wide and stretchy. It’s a bright limey-yellowy green which is one of my least favorite colors and definitely not in my color palette. If it was neon blue, purple, turquoise, cherry red or something else that I liked, I’d be set. I’ve searched for other wide, stretchy belts but no luck.

I found a belt that has cute bedazzling on cream colored grosgrain but was concerned that it wasn’t wide enough. I tried on the ensemble for a friend last night. She and I decided that this belt will honestly look pretty. I don’t want to tie it in back so she’s going to help me measure off what fits and then I’ll sew in some snaps.

The only part on which we disagree is whether I need to wear panty hose. Down here in the Keys, you can get away with wearing pretty much anything and not adding stockings. However, this dress is not only fitted at the waist, but the length is also above the knee. The good news about my weight loss is, well, that I’ve lost so much. The bad news is that I am beginning to see some skin sag and wrinkling in areas of my body. When I had the dress on last night, I immediately saw the wrinklyness (made up word) of my skin between the hem and my knee. My friend thinks nobody else will notice, but I know it exists. Because I know it’s there, I’m going to be self-conscious about it. So, as much as I dislike pantyhose, I think I will be much more comfortable putting on a pair for this event.

What’s the point of wearing a great, new, sassy dress that makes me feel good about my weight loss and fitness efforts if my pleasure will be tainted by worry about saggy skin? I know myself well enough to know that I’ll obsess about it all week and all of that night. Far better to make the hosiery decision now and be done!

I have to say that it’s a fun adventure to consider clothes in styles that I would never have dreamed of wearing when I was heavier, if indeed they were even available in large enough sizes. If requires some self-trust, too. I need to be confident that I’ll know whether I honestly look good in something I’ve put on. I also have to fight the old tendency to go for looser, roomier garments and remind myself that even the prettiest dress won’t look good on me if it’s too big. That’s what I had to learn and accept yesterday and what will help me as I move forward into the future.

Body Matters My Progress NSVs

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Step by Step, Day by Day

by Mary Stella

Three good days under my belt, each accomplished one day at a time. It’s amazing how much more balanced I feel in my head and emotions. The scale is much more balanced, too, as the bloat/water weight has come off. The only thing that’s lacking a little this week is my exercise. Zumba class was cancelled and we hit some cruddy weather that reduced the opportunity to walk as often as I like. Still, I made Tai Chi class on Wednesday, practiced a few times on other days, and got the dogs out for walks when I could. So, I’m not going to beat myself up about it. I can make up more exercise time tomorrow and Sunday.

I’m really proud of myself for getting back on track with my food. What’s that proverb that it isn’t important how often we’re knocked down, but how often we get up? That’s how I feel. So far, whenever I hit rough patches, I’ve managed to pull myself together.

Going back to basics helps. Remembering powerful tools like one day at a time, give me a useable method. I chanted it like a mantra in my head and it got me past some temptation. I looked at foods that aren’t on my plan and said, “No, not this time. Not today.”

I didn’t whine about it. I didn’t resent having to say no to certain foods. I cultivated an attitude of, “What’s more important at this moment, today?” That is always an easy answer. I am important. My recovery remains more important than food.

I’m not going to gain back all of my weight. I’m not going to stay at my current number. I’m going to continue to lose and get to my goal.

After three good days, I experienced a tremendous NSV. A friend has been staying with me for a couple of weeks. She’s also losing weight. We’re at about the same number but with different body types. She’s a few inches taller than I am so if we way about the same, the weight distributes differently on each of us. I got home from work today and said that my size 20W denim capris are starting to feel a little loose. She went to her room and brought out a pair of denim capris in 18W and suggested that I try them on. “Oh, I’m not ready for this small a size yet,” I said, but I tried them anyway.

They fit! Even more so, they’re comfortable and look great! Do you know how long it’s been since I could wear an 18W? You don’t? Well, I don’t either, but it was a helluva long time ago.

Because of the differences in our shapes, the 18Ws are too big for her and she can fit into a straight 18. Guess who now has a new pair of cute denim capris? Yes, she gave them to me on the spot.

This positive reinforcement strengthens my determination to have another strong day tomorrow. Step by step, day by day, I can keep building a successful life.

Body Matters My Progress NSVs

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Pictures

by Mary Stella

A co-worker and I went to a business organization meeting last night to accept a donation check. Pictures were taken. I just downloaded them to my computer, looked them over and thought how nice it is that I wasn’t trying to hide behind the oversized cardboard “check”.

I still have more photos to go through from the Hawaii trip but in thinking about photographs, I remembered how different my attitude was on the journey. Now that I’ve lost so much weight, I don’t internally cringe when someone points a camera in my direction. I wanted photos taken of me on the adventures we had in on our trip. I like having the picture reminders of the good times we enjoyed and also remember that I was a full and active participant!

Such a different attitude, I can’t even tell you! Prior to this weight loss, I haven’t really enjoyed seeing myself in pictures since as far back as 1997 and even then it’s not like I walked around thinking, “Camera! Photo Op! WOOHOO!”

For years I wanted to hide in back of people, or in back of anything. When I was so overweight, it’s not like the “camera always adds five pounds” mentality that we hear so much about. I was more like, “Oh my God, I don’t want this evidence, these reminders.” I hated looking at myself and didn’t want anyone else to see me in photos either.

Enjoying photos and not having my first thought be, “Eww. You’re so gross” is such a pleasure and an extremely welcome change. It’s so much better to look at a photo, remember the good times, and be happy that I can see myself having fun.

Body Matters NSVs

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I Don’t Fit!

by Mary Stella

The catalog from one of my favorite online clothing companies arrived yesterday. Are you all familiar with Making It Big (M.I.B.)? I’ve always found that they offer good quality clothes, truly designed for plus sized women and not just regular designs produced in bigger sizes. Bonus — they are the only plus sized company that uses really plus sized models. I’m not talking about size 16 or 18 only, but women who honestly wear 20, 22, 24 or larger. I’ve purchased many lovely garments from this company over the years.

I’m still not buying a lot of clothes and certainly got some nice things over the weekend that will see me through over the next couple of months. However, I have a couple of special things coming up that I need just a few more outfits for, so I was happy to leaf through the catalog pages. I experienced something that has never happened to me before. Most of the garments that I am interested in aren’t offered in my size! The smallest size they come in is a 2X and I’m a 1X at this point, or smaller if the garment is a really generously-cut style.

I don’t fit. I can’t fully describe how much this blows my mind. For most of my life, it’s been the other way around. I’d see beautiful clothes in stores or catalogs that I couldn’t wear because they weren’t available in sizes for the super obese. Regardless of the number of times that I take myself off of mass mailing lists, I still get several catalogs that I’ve never been able to shop from before. I’m going to have to rethink this and start looking through them instead of dumping them right into the recycling bin before I go into the house. Better yet, as I continue to downsize, more stores become options.

Down here in the Florida Keys, I’ve not had a lot of places that I could go to shop for clothes. KMart and Sears were the only two. Even then, pickings were slim. Our KMart is horrendous. Many of us actually wished that it would be one of the ones that closed so that, perhaps, a different and better retail operation would take the space.

For new clothes, I’ve always relied on catalogs or made sure to hit the plus size chains when I go “off the rock” to the mainland. If I traveled throughout Florida by car on business, I always did store locator searches for Catherine’s stores in the cities I visited. Catherine’s has long been my favorite store for their variety of styles and quality.

I’m slowly realizing that as time goes on, I’ll need to do this less and less. I’m already venturing into the Women’s Departments of big stores like JC Penny’s and Macy’s. At some point, I won’t need the Women’s Department either. The choices will be endless.

Wow. This is truly an amazing feeling today.

Body Matters NSVs

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Embracing the Adventure

by Mary Stella

After our ziplining experience in Kauai, I shopped in their little store and bought a t-shirt. It says Embrace the Adventure and has a graphic of someone ziplining. Nothing could more perfectly describe how I felt about the whole day, unless there had been a sub-line that said, “And Be Grateful that You Can!”

I went through all of my photos from the day to resize them into manageable files for uploading and was telling a friend about the day. Once I knew that I’d made the weight limit, I wasn’t scared or even particularly nervous, but I was incredibly excited. We climbed the suspension bridge to the first ramp and, one-by-one, we were hooked onto the first zipline and sent on our way. I knew that I was completely secure with my harness, the straps, the heavy-duty carbiniers and the actual cable that is airplane rated to sustain 12,000 pounds. I stood on the edge of the platform, looked down, down, down, and took a deep breath.

This was the moment of truth when I would trust the equipment and take a step off of the platform into air.

“Here you go, Mary, this is what you’ve been waiting for!” I said to myself and stepped off to zoom across the line high above the ground. I yelled, “WOOOOHOOOOO!” and grinned from ear to ear. I couldn’t wait for the next zipline. The suspension bridges might have been a little wobbly but, again, they were strong, so I wasn’t afraid. I was happy that I had the strength and balance to make steady progress.

Every time I look at the photos, I smile again and my heart glows. It was so much fun and, even more, I am proud of myself and my friend for embracing the adventure. I know what effort it has taken for me to get myself to the weight and fitness level so that I could physically engage and I’m proud of that too. My friend is a bit leery of heights, but she also faced down her fears to zipline.

This morning I think that this is all a big metaphor for approaching life. Here’s what ziplining reminds me to do. Seek out adventure. Challenge yourself to go outside your own norm, your own box. Set your goals. Identify your allies/guides/mentors/coaches. Surround yourself with supportive people and be supportive to them as well. Trust your preparation. You have to launch yourself into space before you can fly. Your early landings might not be graceful, but as long as you arrive safely, you win.

Don’t be held hostage by your nerves or fear. Feel them and do it anyway.

Those are my lessons from ziplining. I’m taking them with me into the future while I seek out new adventures. You can bet I’ll also zipline again, any chance I get!

What adventure or goal would you like to experience, physically challenging or otherwise?