Weighty Matters

A friend was in town this week who is also, currently, a “women of size”.  She’s on her own journey toward reclaiming her health and is moving toward having weight loss surgery in the future.  For those who don’t know, one doesn’t decide to have the surgery and then just schedule a date.  There are numerous requirements for tests and evaluations, psychiatrist visits, nutritional counseling and so on and so on.  It can take months.

Anyway, we had breakfast together and she mentioned that if I had any clothes that I was ready to get rid of, she’d be interested.  I was going to sort through my closet at my leisure and then ship some up to her, but I called her and asked if she had room in her suitcase.  Since she did, I figured I’d start the task right then.

Wow, what fun!  I started pulling out tops of all styles, for all seasons.  There were lightweight summer tops and some good fall sweaters.  A sweatshirt I know will be too big for me by the time it’s cool enough in Florida went into the pile.  A polo shirt here, a t-shirt there, a soft knit or two.  Once I began, I didn’t want to stop.  I didn’t even take the time to try any of them on “just in case”.  I simply folded them up and put them in one of three piles.

After a fast hour, I had three groups.  The largest went into two shopping bags for my friend.  Another pile held shorts that I was sure were also too big for my friend as well as other clothes that were okay, but that I thought better suited for donation.  The last pile had things that, on close inspection, revealed a pesky stain or a too-stretched seam or some other flaw.  Those garments went into the trash.

I didn’t keep count, but I estimate that I purged about three dozen garments out of my closet and drawers!  The day before yesterday, I dropped off a bag and a half of garments to the Salvation Army that I’d previously purged.  All this work has made a big difference in space.

The exercise also made me realize that I’ve held onto one hell of a lot of clothes in a wide range of sizes.   Looking at all of the bags, I struck a Scarlet O’Hara-esque pose and declared, “As God as my witness, I’ll never wear these large sizes again!”  It was a fine, dramatic moment that made me laugh out loud.

Best of all, this was only one closet.  I still have two more I can go through.  Down here in the Keys, we’re ultra-casual.  The closet in my bedroom holds all of my work clothes — T-shirts, a couple of polo shirts, and shorts — plus my other casual garments like cropped and capri-length pants, and lightweight tops and blouses.  In the guest bedroom closet I hang what I call my “conference” clothes.  These are mostly dresses and pants outfits that I would wear for a special dinner or event here in town or take with me to business conferences.  There are also some heavier weight garments that I keep for when I go up to Jersey and PA at Christmas.  Some of these clothes were tight on me when I started the weight loss effort.  As written about before, I successfully “shopped my closet” and was delighted to find outfits now fitting that I hadn’t been able to wear for several years.  Well, those that fit me two months ago are now too big or soon to be too big.  That’s the next closet scheduled for a purge.

Finally, in the third bedroom that serves, right now, as a storage room/pseudo office, is a closet that has some old evening clothes, cocktail dresses, suits from my Jersey life, and some costumes.  I’d held onto the cocktail dresses and heavier suits “just in case” I ever needed them in the Northeast and managed to fit into them.  The costumes I’ve worn over the years.  In my purge frenzy yesterday I finally accepted that I’m never going to need the suits and, if I did, they’d be TOO BIG!  If I ever have a reason to wear a cocktail dress then, as God is my witness, I’m going to treat myself to something new, that fits me perfectly, and is absolutely fabulous!  I’m going to research an organization in the Northeast that outfits women from lower income circumstances who need clothing to reenter or improve their positions in the workforce and ship them that entire wardrobe.  The costumes are huge, but we have an active community theater in town.  A talented seamstress could easily take them in.   Hopefully they can use a Regency-style gown, a Scottish vest, a fairy-esque skirt and blouse and a couple of assorted other dresses.

I think I’m on a roll with this purging of clothes.   I’m not quickly replacing the garments since I continue to lose fairly quickly.  I buy a few things here and there to get me through.  In the meantime, the act of getting rid of the old, too-big is very freeing and affirming.  It’s like shedding my old skin along with the excess pounds and confirming my determination to never put them on again.

From the moment I woke up today I’ve been in a great mood.  Dancing inside, high spirits, joy in my heart type of good mood.  As I said in a comment on one of today’s Reinventing Fabulous posts, I felt like spewing sparkly rainbows all around me.

I don’t know where/why I came up with that image.  Really, it’s not like I can actually open my mouth and hurl sparkly rainbows.  On the other hand, it would be kind of fun if I could.

When I weighed myself recently I discovered that I’ve lost over 80 pounds.  It’s been a mad great week for weight loss.  I really cut out empty carbs like those in bread, crackers, cereal, pasta and rice.  I still get some in fruits, peanut butter, etc., but not the other kind.  This change, which I committed to, has shown great results.  I don’t know how long it will last, but for right now I’m going to ride it like a magic carpet.

Over the last couple of weeks, I’ve grown tired of my hair style.  I’ve been letting it get longer and longer, but started to think the style wasn’t flattering to me.   Last week, I spoke with my stylist and gave her an, ahem, head’s up, about my decision.  She knows my hair better than I do and when I went in for my appointment last night showed me several styles that she thought would work.  We decided on one.  She went to work and the results were terrific.   There’s just something about a great new hair style that puts some sparkle in a woman’s spirit.

Every time I walk or do Tai Chi, or dance a little bit around the house, I feel how much better and easier I can move.  My right knee isn’t 100%, and probably will never be, but it’s greatly improved.  I have more endurance and strength, along with additional energy.

It’s unbelievable to me that so many great changes have taken place in only a little over four months.  I’m not used to seeing this amount of good manifest in my life in so short a time.  I only know that I’m going to enjoy it, revel in the positiveness of it all, and keep building on it for more success in the future.  It’s a valuable, powerful lesson.

A lot of people struggle and are unhappy with their current situations.  I was.  In fact, I’d venture to say that I was unhappier than I even let myself admit.   Now I’m spewing sparkly rainbows.   Granted, there was no magic, instantaneous cure.  A half measure would have availed me nothing, so it took a full on commitment to serious action.  The results are worth whatever steps I had to take, and will continue to take.

If this can happen for me, it can happen for anyone.  You, too, can have sparkly rainbows in your future.  Until then, allow me to spew you some of mine. 🙂

Ever since I decided last year to have weight loss surgery, I’ve received nothing but terrific support from everyone in my family as well as my friends.  This support and encouragement has meant the world to me.  The support continues to help every single day and I don’t even know whether the people around me realize the extent.

It’s wonderful that those around me think first about what I need and how they can aid me in my effort.  Whether it’s the encouraging word or a friend offering to share their lunch the day that I forgot to bring mine from home, people want me to succeed.   They respect the changes in my life.  When I’m finished with my portion at a meal, nobody suggests that I have one more taste or take just a little of this or a little of that because, after all, it won’t hurt.  They get that this is different from a diet.  I’ve been pretty up front and honest with them from the beginning that if I eat too much the food literally doesn’t sit well.  In fact, it can reach the point where it doesn’t remain seated at all.

Nobody’s tried to sabotage me either.  It amazes me that there are people, sometimes family or friends, who engage in sabotaging the healthy efforts of a loved one.  I suppose there are some who purposely set out to do this with malicious intent.  Maybe they’re jealous of the person’s success.  I’d like to think that most diet saboteurs don’t realize that’s what they’re doing with their actions.  At heart, I believe they’re motivated subconsciously by their own insecurities or neuroses.  Maybe it makes them feel bad when someone around them successfully loses weight because they themselves are not making progress.  When I regularly attended OA meetings, I heard people talk about “eating buddies” and the validation that they used to feel when someone else in their lives was also an overeater,  a food addict, or experiencing some other eating disorder.

This time, I have health buddies — a network of people who are cheering me on.  They’re all around and alongside me — ready, willing and able to help me however I need.  This time, I’m also much better about sharing what I need, asking for help, and letting them know what kind of help, too.  That’s been part of my learning process, too.  I was always reluctant to ask for help before because I felt like involving other people in my effort set us all up for more disappointment if/when I eventually failed.   This time, I know what I need and failure is not an option.  At the end of the road, there won’t be any disappointment to be found.  🙂

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Progress report:

Seventeen weeks since surgery and I’m down 77 pounds!  Woot.  Many thanks to all of you who read my blog.  Whether you realize it or not, I count you as part of my support team, too!

Anybody who has ever flown on a commercial airline has heard the pre-flight safety announcements.  At some point the flight attendant talks about what to do if the cabin loses air pressure and oxygen masks drop down.  What do they always say?  “If traveling with someone who needs your assistance, put secure your mask first.”

I always try to remember those words and act that way in a variety of situations.   I can’t help someone else with their problems if I am not solid, secure, and in balance.  If I’m gasping for air, how can I assist others with their oxygen masks, right?

I’ve been floundering a little the last couple of weeks.  So many emotions, with a heavy load of sadness, impacting my heart and mind.  As an emotional eater, it has been really difficult for me to stay in balance with my food choices.  For the last week, I also had some internal system problems and physically felt awful, too — to the point where people could see it on my face.

I just flew up to Connecticut for my cousin’s memorial service and back.   Two flights meant hearing that announcement twice in 48 hours. It really struck a chord.  There are times when I can help someone else and times, like with the massage on Thursday, where someone else can help me.  However, there are essential times and aspects of life where each of us is solely responsible for progress and successful outcomes.  When all is said and done, I’m the only one who can put on my mask and keep myself functioning on my food plan.  I’m the only one who can remember to keep my intake on target and in balance so that I satisfy my nutritional goals and don’t let my system get out of whack.

It’s still a learning process for me to stay on the right course regardless of what happens around me and how what happens affects my emotionally.   I need to make sure that I have tools and resources within reach.  If the pressure gets to me, I need to know that I’ve installed the oxygen masks within easy reach so that I can continue to function with a clear head.

Breathing in and out is fairly simple.  Staying on my food plan is too.  I know what works best for me.  Tonight, even though I’m tired, I feel like I’ve cleared out my head.  I know exactly what I’m going to have for breakfast, what I’m taking to work for lunch, and what I’ll have for dinner tomorrow.  Before tomorrow’s over, I’ll have myself organized for Tuesday and so on.

Even though I’m helping myself and not someone else tomorrow, I’ve put the mask over my own face first.

My weight loss slowed a little last month.  By that I mean that I “only” lost 12 pounds in between visits to my doctor.  Don’t anybody hit me.  By any calculation, 12 pounds a month is still a helluva lot of weight.  Logically, I know this.  Emotionally, I wanted it to be 15 pounds or more.  When you eat as little as I do, you expect big reductions on a regular basis.

Allow me to smack myself upside the head for irrational griping.

Ok.  I’m back.

The truth is that over the last few days, I’ve gone over my conversations with the doctor and physician’s assistant and realized that while I’ve been “pretty good” about my food plan, I’ve slipped a little here and there.   No, I didn’t gorge out on carbs because, face it, I can’t physically gorge myself on anything any more.  However, I noticed that I had a little bit of carbs more times than I should have.  Likewise, I’m not planting myself face down in desserts and candy, but I’ve rationalized too many small pieces of chocolate or a single cookie with greater frequency than I did when I first started.

Is any of this behavior truly awful and horribly harmful?  No.  On the positive note, the fact that I’m controlling the individual portions so well is great progress for a compulsive overeater.   Seriously.  Eating one cookie is a miracle for a person who could chow down an entire box in an evening when on a binge.

So what, you might ask, is the big deal?  Simple.  I don’t want my progress to slow.   Carbs and/or sugar too often slow the progress.  So I lose 2 1/2 pounds in a week instead of 3 1/2 to 4.    I ask myself, what do I want more — that cookie or small serving of rice or a lower number on the scale?

The lower number wins.

I’ve been obsessing that I can’t seem to get vegetables into my diet on a regular basis.  I really do still concentrate on eating protein first.  I mentioned this to the doctor and he told that, for right now, I shouldn’t worry about it.  Intake of protein and drinking enough water are the top priorities until I get to my goal weight.  He understands that it sometimes gets boring and reminded me that when I’m at goal weight, additional food choices will be worked into my maintenance food plan.

All weekend I thought about these things and made a conscious decision to be more careful with my food choices.  I’ve realized anew that potatoes, rice, bread, chips, and crackers aren’t all that important or desirable.  Results are.  Doesn’t mean I can never ever pick up a piece of fruit or sample a fry, but I’m not going to make a meal of them either.

I can already feel and see the results of the new resolve.  My body is clearly happier and responding nicely.  Mentally, I like that I worked this all out and am pleased with my decision.

Happy body + happy mind = happy Mary.

Yesterday was my monthly follow up appointment with my surgeon.  Blame that for me not getting here to post.  It takes me a little over 2  hours to drive to the doctor’s office in Miami.  By the time I got home yesterday evening after the round trip, I was so tired that I could barely keep my eyes open.  I certainly couldn’t muster the brain power to write.

Things went well.  I’ve lost around 73 pounds, depending on whether I use my scale or the doctor’s.   The doctor is really happy with my progress.  So delighted, in fact, that he now doesn’t need to see me again until August!  I really like this surgeon and his entire staff.  It makes me very happy that I can say that.  Really, when you think about it, nine months ago, they were strangers to me but I took the leap of faith and put my life and future in their hands.

Yes, my primary care doctor had experience with this practice, so it’s not like I closed my eyes and stuck a pin in the phone book listing of bariatric surgeons, but still.  When one is about to change her life forever and the first step is non-reverseable surgery, connecting with the surgeon in a positive way is important.   If the man had been a jerk when I first met him, I don’t think I’d have gone ahead — at least not with him.

One of the things that I like about Dr. W. and his physician’s assistant is that I never feel like they’re in a hurry or rushing through the appointment.  They sit down, ask me how I’m doing in general and then ask me specific questions.  They want me to stay healthy and be successful.  They’re very encouraging and supportive in their suggestions.  I also feel like they give me the straight scoop and don’t blow smoke up my butt when I have a question or concern.  I walk out of the appointments confident that I’m making solid progress in a healthy way and that nothing in my after care gets overlooked.

The doctor’s office is in the same building as a glorious Whole Foods.  I met friends down in the cafe and had a small meal from the W.F. yummy food bar.  I then browsed their fabulous array of other foods and made some selections to bring home.  Yummy herb-encrusted tenderloin, juicy and rare . . . a blackened, spicy chicken salad with chunks of flavorful meat . . . a spinach and feta “ball”.  I got the smallest portions and still have enough for five or six meals.  A little food goes a lonnngg way when you’ve had weight loss surgery.  Whole Foods also has a spectacular flower department.  I rewarded myself with a bright bouquet of red roses, rose-tipped yellow roses, sunshine yellow calla lilies, and daisies in complimentary colors.  I adore flowers and the bouquet sitting in front of me on the table makes me smile every time I look at it.

Every day that I get up, I work hard to follow my food plan and continue to make progress.  It’s important to reward myself for this effort in ways that make me happy and don’t involve overeating.  Delicious, healthy food and fresh, beautiful flowers are definitely positive reinforcement after such a great follow-up at the doctor!