While I was away, it seemed more difficult to assess how I was doing. Would have been a whole lot easier if I hadn’t fallen out of the habit of entering all of my food into the myfitnesspal tracker. That’s one of my new re-commitments. I do better when I track what I eat. (Jotting down mental note.)
Anyway, being away from home also means being out of the regular, normal routine. I knew that I’d eaten more carbs than I should and had wine or a cocktail too frequently, not to mention some bites of chocolates or dessert. From the time I went to Boston to when I drove home yesterday, I felt like I’d been really “bad” with my eating. That’s always been how I characterized my daily efforts — was I good or bad? Not “Did I make good choices and eat appropriately” or the opposite but whether I, myself, was good or bad. This goes back to the topic I wrote about a few posts ago on how we talk to ourselves.
So, because I ate and drank — even though I never overate or drank alcohol to excess — because I didn’t adhere 100% to my food plan, I was positive that I’d been bad and totally screwed up my efforts. I really didn’t know what I’d see when I stepped on the scale this morning, but I wasn’t expecting to be pleased.
Surprise of all surprises, I actually lost a pound. I gaped at the number on the scale. Then, just to be sure, I stepped off and stepped on again to verify the results. Woot! Happy, happy!
I’ve been thinking about this off and on all day. There are lessons here for me to absorb. I haven’t figured them all out yet, but I have some solid thoughts.
I need to banish bad and good from my vocabulary when assessing or discussing myself and my food plan performance. What I do regarding my food on a daily basis does not make me a good or bad person. I, a human person, make choices. These choices will either be healthy and in line with my food plan, or they won’t. Or, they will represent treats that I am absolutely allowed to give myself once in awhile.
I need to work on my thinking. As I continue to practice and adjust to eating such small amounts, I need to remember that variations do not mean I’ve trashed the entire program. If I occasionally enjoy a glass of wine or a chocolate brownie, I need to stop stressing out about it. Stress negates the enjoyment. Not only does that then feel sucky, it sort of destroys the moment. What’s the point?
Clearly, I do better than I think I do in unusual circumstances and surroundings. I guess in the past I always thought I was “cheating”. I became furtive and stealthy, always looking around and over my shoulder to see if other people were watching what and how much I ate. Some still do. Most people don’t care.
My perception of people who eat “normally” is that they select and consume what they like in moderation when they want it. One step at a time, that’s what I’m working toward. Little shifts in thinking, little things I can adapt in my choices and attitude — These things will add up to great success!
Weighty Matters 
Thanks, Everyone. I know that I’m tough on myself. It takes time to learn not to do that the way that I always have in the past. At least I can say that I’m more aware of the harshness and am doing my best to soften and be kinder to myself. Some of this is motivated by fear. Remember that I have a lifetime history of dieting successfully and then stopping and regaining all of the weight.
Even weight loss surgery is no guarantee. I am very afraid that if I veer off the path too far or too often, I will slip down the slope and not get back on track. I think this experience, of having the treats that weren’t 100% on my plan, but not overdoing and still losing weight, was very positive. It showed me that I can enjoy treats and not sabotage myself beyond repair!
I think you’re doing great. Awareness is key. Knowing your choices are not the very best is half the battle because you can understand these are special circumstances and allow yourself the treat and then get right back on track as soon as possible. There is no shame. You deserve the treats, just not all the time and that’s why they’re called treats. : )
You’re doing so well! I’m glad you are learning to be accepting of yourself and not tying a value judgment to your food choices. I need to do the same. I just finished a book called Mother Food (okay, it’s about breastfeeding but there’s good woman wisdom, too) that talks about ‘if you eat something you are craving that isn’t healthy just tell yourself it is okay i am in the grip of a craving and need this now and then enjoy it as much as possible while releasing yourself from any shame’. She’s also awesome on eating wholesome, enjoyable foods and not denying yourself. I dig that.
Hmm. I really did feel you were being unnecessarily harsh on yourself regarding eating while you were away. At a celebratory event. Where you ate dibs and dabs, although some dib was rich, some dab was alcoholic. If you gave up the harsh, what would fill the vaccuum?
I think you’re doing great. I have friends who, sadly, are not. So congratulations with your choices, your adherence, your thinking, your continual wrestling with concepts. Go!