Weighty Matters

It’s really been an up and down week, hasn’t it?  Sadness and turmoil in the beginning, finding balance mid-week, now finishing up on good, happy notes.  For someone who tends to eat over emotions, getting myself on track and not continuing with that behavior was a challenge, but ultimately, I feel successful now.

Wearing size 18W capris is nothing short of amazing to me.  I had another clothing NSV too.  I’d ordered two dresses in what I was sure was my new smaller size.  They arrived yesterday and I absolutely love one of them, except it’s too big!  Too big as in I can’t even fake it through wearing it this coming weekend and then getting it taken in.  (I tried talking myself into doing just that but a friend talked me out of wearing it at all in this size.)

I really do need the even smaller size.  I thought about just taking this one to the seamstress and having it altered, figuring that would be cheaper than shipping it back and paying for shipping for the new garment, but now I’ve decided to just start fresh.  If I didn’t like the dress so much, I wouldn’t bother, but it will look really nice when I wear it to a conference in the beginning of May.

I’m discovering more than new sizes and am venturing into brave, newer territory on style and design.  I have to say that this requires me to expand the boundaries of my comfort zone.  I’m used to decades of trying to hide my weight, not that I ever really could, but I believed that at least I dressed size-appropriate and looked as good as I could manage.  I covered up the flaws as best I could.  I didn’t wear blouses that were so small the buttons strained to keep the garment closed and gaps showed anyway.  My pants weren’t too tight and dresses hopefully masked the worst bulges and bumps.

Maybe this all worked and maybe it didn’t, but at least I believed that it did and that helped.

Now it’s time to rediscover style and try new things to find out what flatters me at this current size.  The dress that I’m going to order in a smaller size has a banded waist so, it actually shows my waist.  Some of the new blouses I bought are more fitted in the midsection too.  The dress that I bought a couple of weeks ago, which I will now definitely wear next weekend at the event, came with a wide, stretchy belt that again, accentuated the waistline.  I actually have a waistline now.  Who’d a thunk?  I hate the belt, but not because it’s wide and stretchy.  It’s a bright limey-yellowy green which is one of my least favorite colors and definitely not in my color palette.  If it was neon blue, purple, turquoise, cherry red or something else that I liked, I’d be set.  I’ve searched for other wide, stretchy belts but no luck.

I found a belt that has cute bedazzling on cream colored grosgrain but was concerned that it wasn’t wide enough.  I tried on the ensemble for a friend last night.  She and I decided that this belt will honestly look pretty.  I don’t want to tie it in back so she’s going to help me measure off what fits and then I’ll sew in some snaps.

The only part on which we disagree is whether I need to wear panty hose.  Down here in the Keys, you can get away with wearing pretty much anything and not adding stockings.  However, this dress is not only fitted at the waist, but the length is also above the knee.   The good news about my weight loss is, well, that I’ve lost so much.  The bad news is that I am beginning to see some skin sag and wrinkling in areas of my body.  When I had the dress on last night, I immediately saw the wrinklyness (made  up word) of my skin between the hem and my knee.  My friend thinks nobody else will notice, but I know it exists.  Because I know it’s there, I’m going to be self-conscious about it.  So, as much as I dislike pantyhose, I think I will be much more comfortable putting on a pair for this event.

What’s the point of wearing a great, new, sassy dress that makes me feel good about my weight loss and fitness efforts if my pleasure will be tainted by worry about saggy skin?   I know myself well enough to know that I’ll obsess about it all week and all of that night.  Far better to make the hosiery decision now and be done!

I have to say that it’s a fun adventure to consider clothes in styles that I would never have dreamed of wearing when I was heavier, if indeed they were even available in large enough sizes.  If requires some self-trust, too.  I need to be confident that I’ll know whether I honestly look good in something I’ve put on.  I also have to fight the old tendency to go for looser, roomier garments and remind myself that even the prettiest dress won’t look good on me if it’s too big.  That’s what I had to learn and accept yesterday and what will help me as I move forward into the future.

Three good days under my belt, each accomplished one day at a time. It’s amazing how much more balanced I feel in my head and emotions.  The scale is much more balanced, too, as the bloat/water weight has come off.  The only thing that’s lacking a little this week is my exercise.  Zumba class was cancelled and we hit some cruddy weather that reduced the opportunity to walk as often as I like.  Still, I made Tai Chi class on Wednesday, practiced a few times on other days, and got the dogs out for walks when I could.  So, I’m not going to beat myself up about it.  I can make up more exercise time tomorrow and Sunday.

I’m really proud of myself for getting back on track with my food.  What’s that proverb that it isn’t important how often we’re knocked down, but how often we get up?  That’s how I feel.  So far, whenever I hit rough patches, I’ve managed to pull myself together.

Going back to basics helps.  Remembering powerful tools like one day at a time, give me a useable method.   I chanted it like a mantra in my head and it got me past some temptation.  I looked at foods that aren’t on my plan and said, “No, not this time.  Not today.”

I didn’t whine about it.  I didn’t resent having to say no to certain foods.  I cultivated an attitude of, “What’s more important at this moment, today?”  That is always an easy answer.  I am important.  My recovery remains more important than food.

I’m not going to gain back all of my weight.  I’m not going to stay at my current number.  I’m going to continue to lose and get to my goal.

After three good days, I experienced a tremendous NSV.  A friend has been staying with me for a couple of weeks.  She’s also losing weight.  We’re at about the same number but with different body types.  She’s a few inches taller than I am so if we way about the same, the weight distributes differently on each of us.  I got home from work today and said that my size 20W denim capris are starting to feel a little loose.  She went to her room and brought out a pair of denim capris in 18W and suggested that I try them on.  “Oh, I’m not ready for this small a size yet,” I said, but I tried them anyway.

They fit!  Even more so, they’re comfortable and look great!  Do you know how long it’s been since I could wear an 18W?  You don’t?  Well, I don’t either, but it was a helluva long time ago.

Because of the differences in our shapes, the 18Ws are too big for her and she can fit into a straight 18.  Guess who now has a new pair of cute denim capris?  Yes, she gave them to me on the spot.

This positive reinforcement strengthens my determination to have another strong day tomorrow.  Step by step, day by day, I can keep building a successful life.

My trip to Hawaii is just around the corner.  I leave next week and am mega-excited.  I’ve always been one to get very excited about things, particularly trips.  When I was a kid, my parents would put off telling me about upcoming family vacations because I wouldn’t sleep well for weeks.  One time they waited until we’d left a neighborhood kid’s bar mitzvah and were on our way home to get our luggage to then head for the airport before they revealed that we were going to Florida.  I was the last one in the family to know we were moving to France for a year when I was nine.  Dad and Mom finally told me six months before we left.  I wonder if they would have delayed even more but they’d hired a tutor to give us all French lessons.

I’ve always wanted to visit Hawaii but always put off planning a trip.  In May of 2011, my friend and I took an Alaskan cruise.  I spent extra money to pay for a first class airline ticket because I dreaded squeezing into a regular seat for a cross-country flight.  I had a wonderful time on the cruise but I was definitely hampered by my super obesity.  It was difficult for me to walk around in the ports, hell, even on the ship.  I couldn’t comfortably sit in the ship’s theater seats.  When we planned the cruise, we knew we wanted to go whale watching and do nature stuff.  Surveying the excursions, I looked for ones that were on full sized boats.  My weight definitely impacted my choices.

Everything is so much different now!  For one thing, I wouldn’t have even planned this vacation if I hadn’t lost weight.  The first class airfare would have been exorbitant.  No such worry now that I fit comfortably in a regular seat.  I’ll be fine even on the long 11 hour direct flight.  I keep telling my friend that we’re going to stand up every hour or so and do a loop around the seats to keep our blood moving.

Like before, whale watching is high on our priority list and I also love to snorkel.  Hawaii is great for both of these activities.  We have gleefully planned the water excursions with only one consideration — did the description and reviews of the excursion make it sound like something we would really enjoy?   We’ve opted for two trips that involve Zodiac inflatable boats.  I’m not the least bit concerned that I’m too fat for those vessels.  I’m confident that I will be able to get in and out without trouble.

When deciding on an excursion in Hilo, my friend read me different descriptions.  There’s a tour that includes a visit to Volcano National Park.  “It has a three mile round trip walk to the crater,” she said.  “No problem.  Sounds like fun,” I replied.

For months I’ve had ziplining on my Promise List.  I have no idea why, but I saw it on a television show and thought, “I want to do that when I lose enough weight.”  When we booked the Hawaii cruise, I started looking into zip lining excursions.  I knew there would be a weight limit, understandably so, and I promised myself that if I was less than the limit, I would sign up.  Guess what?  I am and we did!  Think of me in Kauai, hanging off lines 65 feet in the air and crossing suspension bridges.  Me.  The formerly super obese woman who couldn’t walk a couple of blocks before she grew winded from the exertion.

I won’t have a chance to post a lot while I’m away but I promise that, eventually, I will post photos.

When packing, most people think about how many dresses or pairs of slacks they should pack.  I’m debating whether to bring both my walking sneakers and my cross-trainers or just the walking sneakers.    I’d like to bring both so that I can do Zumba on the cruise ship if classes are offered.

This is such a new experience, to know that I’m not limited by my extra pounds.  From the overall trip to the separate excursions, even down to what goes into the suitcase, my life is filled with a wonderful variety of different choices.