Weighty Matters

This is going to be short.  I just want to say that I made it through another day where I was good on the food plan.

What a lesson because today was hellish in its intensity, emotion and sheer busy-ness.  I had a Board meeting mid-afternoon for an organization that I belong to in which the agenda had several hot button, emotion-causing issues that required some really hard decisions be made.  I was home for less than an hour before going to the Board meeting for yet another organization that I serve.  Not so emotional, but still brain draining.  Oh and, of course, also a little something called my day job.

It’s now 10 p.m.  I spent two hours writing up the minutes from the early meeting while events were still fresh in my mind to supplement my notes.  I’m tired, cranky and have a headache . . . and now I need to go pack my suitcase because I head out of town tomorrow afternoon for another trip including a night flight.  Thank goodness this trip will be filled with family and friends and not work.  Still, tomorrow’s going to be another long day.

So what’s the lesson?  If I can go through a day like today and maintain my abstinence, I can stay abstinent through anything.  I need to remember this the next time I encounter a little something stressful and think that I must absolutely dive into something sugary, carb-dense, or fatty — or all three.

No matter what, I really can make healthier choices than giving into compulsion.  Remembering this reaffirms my strength.

I’m home from RT and exhausted.  Yesterday was a long travel day and I stayed up in Ft. Lauderdale rather than driving home alone at night when I was tired.  The tradeoff is that I got up at 5 a.m. and drove down today right to work.  I won’t say that my entire brain is still in Kansas City, maybe just the part that I need to think.

My food was so-so over the past week.  I was good on my plan most of the time but also veered off the straight and narrow sometimes.  I know what the problem was — the frazzled, non-routine schedule.  I felt not out of control, but not fully in control of the when, what and where of eating.  I did what I could when I could but all too often found myself grabbing available foods at random when they were available.  Not to bury myself in coulda/woulda/shoulda but I have to recognize that in order to have been more successful, I needed to be even more disciplined.  And I wasn’t disciplined enough a number of times.

My body does not like this randomness and I don’t just mean in weight loss or lack.  Physically, my stomach and digestive system do not react well if I shake up the program.  Even if I didn’t eat too much, I often ate too fast and that alone can cause problems.  One time I had to leave a party because we not only had to eat later than usual but I was starving so I didn’t take my measured bites.  The food items were perfectly on plan, but it isn’t only what I eat but how I eat that affects me.  My stomach began to hurt and I wasn’t at all sure that I wasn’t going to throw up in a few minutes.  I didn’t, but the ache and the time to let it ease up wore me out.

Shaking up my food plan does a number on my digestion and how my body processes what I eat on its path to, let me say this discreetly, elimination.  My systems are still adjusting today.  I think I should be back on track by Wednesday.  At least I hope so.  Because of this aspect, I’m not exactly sure right now if I successfully maintained my weight number.  I have learned that my body reacts to change by holding onto fluid and bloating up.  It’s possible that I gained a few pounds but I know that, if I did, it really is water weight and should come off quickly.

All of this said, I can’t quite bring myself to regret experiencing crisp bacon strips dipped in chocolate at the chocolate fountain.  Some things just must be tried and enjoyed.  At least I walked away before I could make myself a complete oinker.  I did, however, encourage even pushed friends into trying it too.  There are several new bacon and chocolate converts in the world tonight.

I am very pleased that I absolutely took advantage of some down time to exercise.  Even though it was a large hotel and conference center that called for a chunk of walking just to get to different activities and workshops, I purposely logged treadmill time twice at the fitness center and did some Tai Chi every day.  That’s happened, like, never before at one of these conventions.  I would have gone three times but I managed to work a blister on the bottom of one of my toes and it hurt like a bitch for two days whenever I walked.

Now that I’m home, the task ahead of me is to get right back on track with rigorous attention to detail and completely honest assessments of my progress.  I’ve had a good day today and anticipate having another one tomorrow, then Wednesday and the day after and after and after.   I can’t make it to Zumba tomorrow evening but am doing my best to flex out some time the following morning to squeeze in a class.  Now that Nat, Pyxi and I are reunited, the morning and evening walks will resume to the benefit of all three of us.

Eventually, I will share additional photos.  I have some on my camera but, honestly, I’m simply too wiped out to fool with them tonight.  Please be patient.

As you know, I was anticipating a scolding from my doctor today because I’d “only” lost 20 pounds since my last visit three months ago.  I worked to process my feelings about his expectations.  I received terrific support and encouragement from all of you here.  Friends and family reinforced the fact that 20 pounds in three months is a significant accomplishment.  My boss and I talked about it some more yesterday and she pointed out that, if he was discouraging to me, I had an opportunity to educate him on how damaging that approach can be to someone who is working hard but struggling.

I gave myself pep talks several times on the way to Miami.  I have to admit that I wore the lightest pair of pants and shirt that I own.  (Yeesh!)  I still kind of worried that my weight loss would show as even less than 20 pounds since I would get weighed fully clothed in the afternoon after riding for a couple of hours and on a different scale than the one at home.  (Yes, that happened.)  I rehearsed what I would say depending on his reaction.

First I saw the physician’s assistant and we discussed how the rate of loss has slowed.  We talked through what I’m eating and drinking, both actual items and amounts.  She confirmed for me that I haven’t veered off the plan and told me that at this stage of the game it’s natural to lose weight at a slower pace.  She encouraged me to keep doing what I’m doing and not let myself get discouraged to the point of quitting.

That was a lovely positive experience but I still worried about what the doctor would say.

He came in the room, and I shored myself up.  He launched right into the topic and . . . his attitude was completely opposite from what I’d expected!  Not only did he not come out all overly cautious and negative about my weight loss, but he absolutely reached out to reassure me that I am still doing great!   We had a great conversation in which he talked about how, at this point, it’s patients’ heads that start to trip them up.  Almost 16 months after surgery, we feel hunger again and our stomachs process food more easily so it’s really important that we remember the surgery is only a tool and we need our minds to work hard and keep us on track.

I told him that I spend a lot of time working on the mental and emotional aspects of this challenge and even shared with him that I’ve been writing a blog about it since shortly after the surgery.  We talked about how there are a lot of patients who were so heavy when they started that when they reach this point and feel so improved, they decide to stop.  I assured him that even though I feel so much better and look better, I am not done.  I want to keep going until I reach my goal and am no longer obese.

After a few more minutes, he asked me to come back in another three months and said that even if it takes me another six to ten months, the most important thing is that my weight keeps going down and that I eventually reach the goal.

Totally bolstered and feeling much lighter in spirit, I made my next appointment and told everything that I looked forward to seeing them in three months and that they could be sure they’d see even less of me. 🙂   I left the office with a better bounce in my step!  It really was a good lesson in not making situations bigger and more powerful than they need to be.  I totally could have messed up my head and temporarily derailed my effort.  Thankfully, I had people to talk to — in person, on the phone and via the blog — and received stellar support.

On the way home I spoke to a dear friend who had surgery last October.  She is experiencing great success and got some great news today too.  We shared a lot about understanding the issues and working through them.  We also both agreed how fortunate we feel.

Today, and every day, I truly am blessed.

I had a great conversation with my boss, a woman I greatly admire for her insights and forthright attitude.  She commented that I looked like I’ve lost more weight.  “I have,” I said, “but not enough.”  Realizing that I seemed discouraged, she asked me what was up.

“I have a doctor’s appointment at the end of next week and he’s going to think that it isn’t enough because I’ll only have lost 20 pounds in three months.”

As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I knew that my thought process was screwed up and she knew it too.  We started to work through the process and how, based on my last conversation and appointment with the doctor, thought I should have lost 30 pounds by this upcoming appointment.

She told me everything that I actually know but that I’ve been mentally and emotionally veering away from.  That 20 pounds in three months is still a significant loss.  That I’ve lost 155 pounds since my surgery.  That I’ve changed my way of eating and living.  That 155 pounds is a great success and I’m still losing.  Not gaining.  Not staying in the same place.  Still losing.  It’s natural that the pace at which I lose is slower now but I’m not going backwards.

My boss helped me clarify that I am putting all of this pressure, and fostering negative thoughts about my progress because I’m wrapped up in my doctor’s expectations.  He sort of acknowledges how much I’ve lost but always qualifies the acknowledgement with reminding me that I still have a way to go.  I know I’ve discussed this before but, clearly, I haven’t worked through it yet as an issue.

I’m really chewing on it now, I can tell you.  I’m really musing and working through what I can reasonably expect of myself at this stage of the game.  What is my assessment of where I am and where I’m going?  I have questions that I need to mull over and answer.  Am I pleased with my progress thus far?  Am I eating in more healthful ways and, for the most part, not falling prey to my compulsive behavior?  Am I satisfied with my weight loss enough to let it stand as is?  Do I want to lose more?  Does it matter so much that I lose at a more rapid weight as long as I continue to lose?

So, that’s my homework.  Mull the questions.  Answer.  Internalize.  Most of all, I need to check in that I’m living to my expectations for myself and not putting undue pressure on myself to please someone else’s expectations.