Weighty Matters

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Internal and External Vision

on May 11, 2013

At first I was going to title this post, “No Longer Always the Fattest Person” but that seemed sort of long.  For so much of my life I was always the fattest person wherever I went.  Even in a lot of OA meetings, that was true.  It always surprised me when someone else who weighed more showed up.

When I began losing weight, I talked about having “fat eyes” and not really accurately seeing my body shape and size.  Old habits are difficult to break or, perhaps, it simply takes time to retrain my brain.  I have to say that I don’t do as much stressful assessing any more.  By this I mean that I don’t look at chairs and wonder if I’ll fit or worry that they aren’t strong enough to hold my weight.  I don’t have angst about walking in between rows of tables in a ballroom and suck in my breath.  (Hey, just last week I navigated a crowded ballroom while wearing a full gown and hoop skirt!)

Those are major thought changes and I’m happy that I can see the improvement in my thinking and emotions.  That said, I still need to continue retraining.  Random things surprise me.  Earlier this week, I did a morning Zumba class and was simply awestruck at the way my body is reshaping to show a waistline.  The other night I wore a button down shirt that’s more fitted.  Clearly this is not a style that I wore many pounds ago.  A good friend remarked on how good it looked and how it really shows off the weight loss.  When I got home, I made a point of really examining myself in the mirror.  What a difference.  Before, I always dressed to conceal.  I wanted pretty clothes but they always had to be pretty in a shape that was, well, more shapeless so they wouldn’t stick to bulges and rolls.  These days, I realize that I have a shape that I can flatter.

Sure it’s still a larger shape but I’m not resembling Jabba the Hutt’s sister in my body form.  Hence, the belted little black dress, fitted shirts, and even that Southern belle gown with the tight waist and bodice.  I can pull them off.

The trick is being willing to try and experiment.  I need to get my internal vision and my external reality in synch.

At a Tai Chi open house this morning, I was helping new students register for class, which included giving out T-shirts.   There were two women who couldn’t decide what sizes they needed.  I realized that I’m not the only person who has difficulty assessing her actual size.  One woman was very concerned that we wouldn’t have a 2XL.  I was shocked because I just recently moved into a regular men’s Large T-shirt.  My first thought was that I was still the largest person in the room and if I’m not wearing a shirt that big, she sure wouldn’t need to.  Then I realized that, by comparison, she was perhaps a big larger than I am at this time.   I did a quick mental readjustment for my own body image, and at the same time realized that, even so, there’s no way she’d need a 2XL.   I smiled and suggested she take home a regular XL and we could always swap it for her if she wanted a different size at the first class.  This way, she’ll get to figure out what she needs in the privacy of her own home, but still be assured that, regardless, we’ll have what she needs.

The last few days have given me much to think about and I think the process will be extremely beneficial.  Every single time that I successful readjust my old thinking and attitude, I build another bit of support in the foundation I need for continued recovery.

One response to “Internal and External Vision

  1. Skye says:

    Excellent! Readjusting your thinking is hard work, so it’s great to hear that it’s happening for you!

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