Weighty Matters

Much wisdom to be gained by a 900 year old fuzzy little green Jedi master.  When Luke Skywalker tells Master Yoda that he’ll try, Yoda responds, “Do or Do Not.  There is no try.”  I suspect that George Lucas might have spent some time in est seminars.

Anyway, I’ve been thinking about the past few weeks with the many stressful situations I’ve faced, and how hard I’ve worked to not eat over the stress.  Sometimes it’s almost a mantra in my head, “Don’t eat, don’t eat, don’t eat” as I am determined to get through the situations without falling back on the old coping mechanism of compulsive eating or overeating.  In another, completely different area of life, I was explaining to a good friend about teaching my dogs the behavior of “Leave It”.  When I first got Pyxi, she would repeat certain negative behaviors when bored and seeking attention.  For example, she’d plop herself down by one particular rug and attack the corner.  I was forever telling her, “No, Pyxi” and getting up from my chair.  She’d stop for a few minutes and then go right back to the behavior.  It wasn’t until I learned  the concept of “Leave It” that we were able to correct this behavior.

We began with bits of a treat placed in front of her.  If she went for it, I gently guided her nose away and said, in an upbeat voice, “Leave it!”   Then I’d give her a treat from my other hand.  She caught on quickly that if she stopped doing whatever it was she was doing at the time that I said, “Leave it”, she’d receive the positive reinforcement of a “Good girl!” and a treat.  Before long, I could ask her to “Leave it” in a variety of situations and she’d stop immediately.  Why does this work?  Instead of only receiving negatives in “No, no, no” that offered no positive reinforcement, she could do something, i.e. choose to stop a behavior, and be rewarded in a way that made her happy.

You might ask how I am now connecting the dots between an old fuzzy Jedi, an English Cocker Spaniel, and a woman with an eating disorder.  Trust me, it isn’t easy, but I do indeed have a connection.  🙂

At any moment in my life I can be faced with a situation where I want to compulsively eat.  At that point, trying not to does not accomplish anything.  Like Yoda points out to Luke, the choice is either do or do not.  In my case that would be compulsively eat or do not compulsively eat.

When I attempt to prevent compulsive eating by telling myself don’t eat don’t eat don’t eat,  I’m focused on the negative — much like Pyxi not understanding the goal of ceasing the undesirable behavior when all she hears is “No” without an instruction on what she’s actually supposed to do to achieve a positive outcome.

Recently I realized that I need to establish my own, personal “Leave it” reward.  Yes, maintaining abstinence from the compulsive behavior is a reward in itself, but I want to focus on a positive alternative so that “Do not eat” becomes “Do this (whatever this is) instead of eating”.  I’m not sure what to substitute.  Smile, whistle a happy tune, sip water or tea, or what, but I need to define some other action.  This will get the struggle out of my head and into a behavior pattern.  I believe this will be effective and more helpful in the long run.

Long term success is the name of the game.

Happy Mother’s Day to all of you who are celebrating with your kids and/or moms.  I hope that you’re enjoying a wonderful time.

I have to admit that this is always a bit of a bittersweet day since I’m not a mom and my mother passed almost 15 years ago.  Sorry, sorry.  I don’t mean to be a downer.  I actually had a nice day today.  My furkids, Nat and Pyxi, and I enjoyed a walk this morning and we’ve had a lot of relaxing time here at home, which is something that I badly needed.  Both of them are cuddlers so when I need to hug, one of them is always willing.  The wind lay down enough that I could take out the boat for a pretty ride.  I learned to love the water and boating from both my parents.  Even after Daddy died, Mom learned how to captain the family boat here in Florida and took me out fishing whenever I visited.  Whenever I now go out in my own boat, I think of both of them smiling down at me.

When I got back to the house, I took a creamy rose out to the seawall.  I pulled off petal after petal and dropped them into a water, one by one. A thought of my Mom’s qualities and characteristics accompanied each one.  A petal for her generous spirit, one for her unconditional love, one for her support, one for her joie de vivre, one for her optimism (every rain was always the clear-up shower), one for her way of welcoming everyone, one for her effort to gain and retain sobriety, and so on.  I’ve never done a little ceremony like this for her, but it felt right to do so today in her memory.

I thought a lot about Mom and food too.  She was overweight when she was a young girl.  Her father, who died a couple of months before I was born, was morbidly obese.  Sometime in (I think) high school, Mom slimmed down.  She was a beauty with a fun-loving spirit.  She and her friends must have lit up those USO dances during the WWII, let me tell you.  Oh how she loved to dance!  Her drinking didn’t really turn into alcoholism and become a problem until I was in my mid-teens.

Looking back, with everything that I’ve learned over the years, I think the chain of addiction ran down Mom’s side of the family.  Even though Dad has his chunky times, as did his mother, not everyone who has weight issues has an eating disorder.  I’m positive that the disorder came down maternally.  I wonder if Mom had not lost weight when she was younger, if eating would have become her disorder too, instead of or even in addition to the alcohol.  I don’t know.

I only know that Mom’s relationship with food by the time that I was born was totally healthy.  She loved food and ate well, but didn’t overeat.  She was also a wonderful cook.  Even before we moved to France for a year when I was 9 and she took lessons at the school Julia Child founded with her cookbook partners, she could create wonderful meals for the family or for a dinner party of a dozen friends from their social circle.  Our meals ran the gamut.  Mom could embrace the 1960s-1970s casserole that used a Campbell’s condensed soup as its base, or turn out a sumptuous gourmet dinner of classic cuisine.  She loved doing a red Jell-O heart mold dessert for Valentine’s Day but would also put together a Charlotte Malakoff with homemade lady fingers, almond cream with Grand Marnier and fresh strawberries that wowed our dinner guests.

No surprise that today, on Mother’s Day, I’d feel a little nostalgic for meals my mother made us.  Whenever someone was coming over for lunch, one of her standbys was something she called an open-faced sandwich.  Velveeta cheese on bread with a slice of tomato and a slice of bacon, broiled until the bacon crisped and the cheese melted.  Yes, Velveeta.  To my knowledge she only used this product on these sandwiches and in one casserole recipe for turkey tetrazzini.  At some point, she discovered a casserole that was made with chicken breast, broccoli florets and a “sauce” of cream of chicken soup, mayo, and curry powder.  That was one of my favorite dinners.

Today, in Mom’s honor, I decided to have these foods, but did my best to lighten them up.  Instead of a plain old white bread slice, I used half of a Thomas’s “thin” made of whole wheat and limited myself to a little of Light Velveeta and a single slice of bacon.  (I used to eat two or three of Mom’s “Open Face” creations.  My version was half of an old serving in amount and lower on fat and calories.

I had the remains of a rotisserie chicken already in the house, so I picked that apart.  I used the light and low sodium chicken soup and light mayo and used those ingredients sparingly.  Lots of crisp broccoli and, for even more texture, some diced water chestnuts.  Plus, of course, the curry powder.  It wasn’t quite as delicious as Mom’s version, but it tasted pretty good.  I figure that I eat so little of it, that with the lighter versions and extra veggies, I didn’t do much damage to my food plan.

For dessert, I bought a single key lime tartlet.  Soon after my folks bought this house in the Keys back in the late 70s, I gave them a key lime tree for the yard.  Mom loved harvesting the key limes.  She’d slice them up to squeeze in her ice tea and always baked a pie for visiting friends.  She’d even bring home as many limes as possible and freeze the juice to make pies up home in Jersey over the summer and fall.  That tree lasted into the early 1990s.  We replaced it with another one that lasted until I’d lived here a few years before getting broken in a hurricane.  One of these days I might put in another one.  Anyway, when I saw the tartlets at the supermarket, I thought of Mom.  This thing is barely the size of a quarter.  I doubt it’s going to put me over the edge of my calorie count.

Perhaps I shouldn’t be marking the day with food.  In my defense, it wasn’t the entire focus of the day.  I have no regrets about what I ate today.  I reimagined the recipes in healthier ways and didn’t overeat.  I miss my mother a lot, and if preparing some of her recipes helped me bring her memory closer to my heart today, then that’s a good thing.

Overall, I want to remember the things that I said as I plucked off the rose petals and cast them into the sea she so loved.  This is for your generous spirit, Mom.  This is for your unconditional love and support.  This is for always making my friends feel welcome and part of the family.  This is for your courage and joie de vivre.  This is for always being my hero, my sweet, loving, wonderful Mom.

I love you.

I had to explain to someone that I’ve taken steps to separate myself from an aspect of a particular situation because it was necessary in order for me to manage my stress.  I’m not sure the friend completely gets it, although I would expect her to since she’s had to take a similar step in other situations.  I’m giving it a couple days or until the next time she brings something up to me that would expose me again to the stress-causing aspects.

I’ve thought about it a lot today and realized that, if need be, I will go into the full explanation of my eating disorder and how excess stress is one of those things that can easily trigger me to eat compulsively and eat too much.  I have a lot of clarity in my brain right now.  In fact, I’m crystal clear that I will go to any lengths necessary to protect myself and guard my recovery.

Sometimes it’s difficult for other people to understand that an eating disorder can be as powerful and destructive as alcoholism, drug addiction or any other addictive disorder.  Maybe it’s because I still need to eat to live or maybe it’s because there are a lot of people who struggle with weight issues who don’t have eating disorders — or at least don’t realize that they do.  Whatever the case, I know from experience that some people get it and others don’t.

This friend is pretty savvy and aware.  I actually believe she’ll understand if I put it in direct, no bullshit terms.  I’d like her to understand but I also realize that it isn’t the most important part of this whole thing.  The part that matters most is that I take the measures I need to in order to stay on track and in recovery.

I’ve ranted on about the stress I’ve been under.  It’s been crazy, really, all for an organization for which I’m a volunteer!  For days, the fray would start right up by 7:30 a.m. and go on intermittently throughout the day until 10 or 11 at night.  Last week, I woke up one morning after a completely crappy, restless night of interrupted sleep and my jaw throbbed from having been clenched all night.  The first OMG text came in at 7:15 a.m. and we were off to the races.

That night, I relaxed in a bathtub and was all ready to get into bed, when I remembered how yucky and stressed out I’d felt in the morning.  I’m a chronic jaw clencher, even when I’m not stressed.  I think my muscles and tendons are used to it, but while I might have a little tension in the morning, I don’t normally feel real pain.  I have a night guard that I’m supposed to wear but I have fallen out of the habit.

So, the other night when I sat on the edge of the bed and thought about waking up in horrible pain or cracking the hell out of a remaining molar, I rolled my eyes and shook my head at my own missing of the obvious.  I then got up, went to the bathroom and fetched the night guard.  I got back to bed and reached for my phone to set the alarm.  (Since my clock radio malfunctioned a year ago, I’ve used the phone’s alarm feature to wake me up in the mornings.)  “God, I hope I don’t get an early email or text first thing,” I thought.  Before I could push tap my phone’s screen, I stopped and, instead, pressed the power button and turned the phone completely off.  I went into the guest bedroom and brought back the alarm clock.  Instant solution.

Night guard installed, phone off, I shut off the light and was asleep in less than five minutes.   I woke up the next morning without jaw pain and didn’t turn on the phone again until after I’d already showered and dressed.  I was so less stressed than I’d been in days.  It felt marvelous!  Somehow, it seemed like I’d stopped giving all of the power to the situation giving me grief and took it back for myself.   In the spirit of the Serenity Prayer, I accepted what I can’t change — that the stressful situation is going to continue for awhile.  I then had to be wise enough to figure out what I could do about managing its impact, and then took the action to change what I could.

The solutions were so simple!  Put in a protective device and shut off the freaking phone.  I only wish I’d seen that sooner!