Weighty Matters

It’s happened a few times.  I run into someone I know who hasn’t seen me in a while and they do a double-take.  I’ve actually had some people not recognize me.  It’s an interesting thing to experience.  Once they realize who they’re seeing, they usually gush and are very complimentary.  I’ve finally reached the point where, most of the time, I can easily smile and thank them for their kind words.  I have no problem telling them that I had weight loss surgery.  There was a time when I thought that admitting that would make me uncomfortable.

Clearly it doesn’t or I’d never have started this blog, let alone kept going with it for more than 330 posts!

Next week I’m going on vacation to a fun-filled convention for writers and readers.  I’ve gone to almost all of them since 1999.  My favorite thing about it is that many dear friends also fly in from various places around the country.  We don’t get to see each other nearly often enough and it’s always wonderful to reunite and spend so much time together for a few days.  Most of these friends have seen pictures here and there on Facebook, but I know from having seen some people in person that the photographs really aren’t completely accurate.

So, next week I will be seeing a lot of people who last saw me this time a year ago when I was down about 60 pounds.  Sure, that weight loss was already an improvement but I’ve lost 95 additional pounds since.  Zumba, Tai Chi, walking, and water aerobics have shaped, toned, and streamlined parts of me too.  Suffice it to say that a year’s time has brought about huge change.   It ought to be fun.

Remember last month when I tried on a dress that I thought was in the smaller size that I could wear and it was too big?  The replacement dress arrived today.  I was a little worried about trying it on because it’s a 16/18.  I don’t even know if I wore a 16 in college.  I can no longer remember.  Well, I slipped on the dress and it is a perfect fit!  I ran to two different mirrors just to get different views.  I really love this dress and can’t wait to wear it next week at one of the evening events.  Yes, I will get a photo taken and post it.  I promise.  Pinky swear.

After trying on the dress I changed into exercise clothes and headed out to Zumba.  I don’t know where I found the extra energy, but I killed it this evening in that class!   Every move had that much more power and “oomph” in it.  My abs were tight and my arm movements strong.  I even managed more crunches than ever before.  Doing those crunches while dancing isn’t easy.  Depending on the dance, I can’t always coordinate the move and do them correctly.  It amazes me to watch the instructors.  Their moves are so fluid.  I swear they can do 10 crunches to my one!  I said tonight that within two years I want to be able to move my ab muscles and crunch with that same speed and fluidity.  One of the instructors told me that two years was too long and I’d get there sooner.  I’m not so sure, but we’ll see.

In the meantime, I’m not coasting through any of the moves.  I give them my all, building my strength and burning as many calories as possible in that hour of dance.  It sounds gross, but I even enjoy working up a sweat and having to blot it off my face.  At least I know that I’m producing that sweat and ramping up my heart beat through genuine, effective, hard exercise.  It’s a whole different feeling than when I struggled and gasped from the simple effort of walking in my enormous, out of shape body.

This is just another body change that I love.  I sure as heck plan to keep building on it in the future.

It’s really been an up and down week, hasn’t it?  Sadness and turmoil in the beginning, finding balance mid-week, now finishing up on good, happy notes.  For someone who tends to eat over emotions, getting myself on track and not continuing with that behavior was a challenge, but ultimately, I feel successful now.

Wearing size 18W capris is nothing short of amazing to me.  I had another clothing NSV too.  I’d ordered two dresses in what I was sure was my new smaller size.  They arrived yesterday and I absolutely love one of them, except it’s too big!  Too big as in I can’t even fake it through wearing it this coming weekend and then getting it taken in.  (I tried talking myself into doing just that but a friend talked me out of wearing it at all in this size.)

I really do need the even smaller size.  I thought about just taking this one to the seamstress and having it altered, figuring that would be cheaper than shipping it back and paying for shipping for the new garment, but now I’ve decided to just start fresh.  If I didn’t like the dress so much, I wouldn’t bother, but it will look really nice when I wear it to a conference in the beginning of May.

I’m discovering more than new sizes and am venturing into brave, newer territory on style and design.  I have to say that this requires me to expand the boundaries of my comfort zone.  I’m used to decades of trying to hide my weight, not that I ever really could, but I believed that at least I dressed size-appropriate and looked as good as I could manage.  I covered up the flaws as best I could.  I didn’t wear blouses that were so small the buttons strained to keep the garment closed and gaps showed anyway.  My pants weren’t too tight and dresses hopefully masked the worst bulges and bumps.

Maybe this all worked and maybe it didn’t, but at least I believed that it did and that helped.

Now it’s time to rediscover style and try new things to find out what flatters me at this current size.  The dress that I’m going to order in a smaller size has a banded waist so, it actually shows my waist.  Some of the new blouses I bought are more fitted in the midsection too.  The dress that I bought a couple of weeks ago, which I will now definitely wear next weekend at the event, came with a wide, stretchy belt that again, accentuated the waistline.  I actually have a waistline now.  Who’d a thunk?  I hate the belt, but not because it’s wide and stretchy.  It’s a bright limey-yellowy green which is one of my least favorite colors and definitely not in my color palette.  If it was neon blue, purple, turquoise, cherry red or something else that I liked, I’d be set.  I’ve searched for other wide, stretchy belts but no luck.

I found a belt that has cute bedazzling on cream colored grosgrain but was concerned that it wasn’t wide enough.  I tried on the ensemble for a friend last night.  She and I decided that this belt will honestly look pretty.  I don’t want to tie it in back so she’s going to help me measure off what fits and then I’ll sew in some snaps.

The only part on which we disagree is whether I need to wear panty hose.  Down here in the Keys, you can get away with wearing pretty much anything and not adding stockings.  However, this dress is not only fitted at the waist, but the length is also above the knee.   The good news about my weight loss is, well, that I’ve lost so much.  The bad news is that I am beginning to see some skin sag and wrinkling in areas of my body.  When I had the dress on last night, I immediately saw the wrinklyness (made  up word) of my skin between the hem and my knee.  My friend thinks nobody else will notice, but I know it exists.  Because I know it’s there, I’m going to be self-conscious about it.  So, as much as I dislike pantyhose, I think I will be much more comfortable putting on a pair for this event.

What’s the point of wearing a great, new, sassy dress that makes me feel good about my weight loss and fitness efforts if my pleasure will be tainted by worry about saggy skin?   I know myself well enough to know that I’ll obsess about it all week and all of that night.  Far better to make the hosiery decision now and be done!

I have to say that it’s a fun adventure to consider clothes in styles that I would never have dreamed of wearing when I was heavier, if indeed they were even available in large enough sizes.  If requires some self-trust, too.  I need to be confident that I’ll know whether I honestly look good in something I’ve put on.  I also have to fight the old tendency to go for looser, roomier garments and remind myself that even the prettiest dress won’t look good on me if it’s too big.  That’s what I had to learn and accept yesterday and what will help me as I move forward into the future.

Three good days under my belt, each accomplished one day at a time. It’s amazing how much more balanced I feel in my head and emotions.  The scale is much more balanced, too, as the bloat/water weight has come off.  The only thing that’s lacking a little this week is my exercise.  Zumba class was cancelled and we hit some cruddy weather that reduced the opportunity to walk as often as I like.  Still, I made Tai Chi class on Wednesday, practiced a few times on other days, and got the dogs out for walks when I could.  So, I’m not going to beat myself up about it.  I can make up more exercise time tomorrow and Sunday.

I’m really proud of myself for getting back on track with my food.  What’s that proverb that it isn’t important how often we’re knocked down, but how often we get up?  That’s how I feel.  So far, whenever I hit rough patches, I’ve managed to pull myself together.

Going back to basics helps.  Remembering powerful tools like one day at a time, give me a useable method.   I chanted it like a mantra in my head and it got me past some temptation.  I looked at foods that aren’t on my plan and said, “No, not this time.  Not today.”

I didn’t whine about it.  I didn’t resent having to say no to certain foods.  I cultivated an attitude of, “What’s more important at this moment, today?”  That is always an easy answer.  I am important.  My recovery remains more important than food.

I’m not going to gain back all of my weight.  I’m not going to stay at my current number.  I’m going to continue to lose and get to my goal.

After three good days, I experienced a tremendous NSV.  A friend has been staying with me for a couple of weeks.  She’s also losing weight.  We’re at about the same number but with different body types.  She’s a few inches taller than I am so if we way about the same, the weight distributes differently on each of us.  I got home from work today and said that my size 20W denim capris are starting to feel a little loose.  She went to her room and brought out a pair of denim capris in 18W and suggested that I try them on.  “Oh, I’m not ready for this small a size yet,” I said, but I tried them anyway.

They fit!  Even more so, they’re comfortable and look great!  Do you know how long it’s been since I could wear an 18W?  You don’t?  Well, I don’t either, but it was a helluva long time ago.

Because of the differences in our shapes, the 18Ws are too big for her and she can fit into a straight 18.  Guess who now has a new pair of cute denim capris?  Yes, she gave them to me on the spot.

This positive reinforcement strengthens my determination to have another strong day tomorrow.  Step by step, day by day, I can keep building a successful life.