Weighty Matters

Thank you all for your encouragement and support.

Throughout the day, friends and family in New Jersey and Pennsylvania checked in.  Everyone is okay.  My aunt and uncle’s house escaped flooding.  No word yet on whether they can say the same about their cars.  Most of my friends are without power but report no damage to their homes.  A couple of friends who, thank God, evacuated are safe but are not yet permitted to return home so we don’t know whether their house flooded.  My heart aches over the damage and the suffering experienced by so many people and towns.  It’s going to be a long recovery.  I hope they quickly receive whatever help and relief they need.

Hope you don’t mind if I sort of freewrite tonight’s post.  I have lots of thoughts and feelings churning around, too much for one post with a central theme.

Good news!  I made it through yesterday and today without going off of my food plan.  Bonus, I dropped three pounds over the weekend.  I’d been stalled in my actual weight loss for a few weeks.  This was very frustrating, to work so hard and not see the number budge on the scale.  I knew that I’d continued to lose inches because I could feel the difference in my clothes.   Some wise people pointed out that I’ve been building muscle which might have balanced the numbers of any fat loss.  Whatever the case, the number finally moved which is an enormous boost.

If you’d told me a year ago that there would come a day when I would be disappointed that something interfered with my exercise plan, I would have rolled my eyes like dice on a craps table.  However, tonight I was the only participant to show up for Zumba so there wasn’t a class.  I came home and did some time with the in-home walking program so I at least got in some cardio.   One of the things I did yesterday when distracting myself from constant storm coverage was to channel surf.  I happened upon a Zumba Fitness infommercial and, quicker than you can say, charge my credit card, I ordered the DVD set, complete with the toning sticks.  Good to have variety in my at-home exercise options!

The final grades were posted on the first course that I took.  I don’t know if McDaniel uses the letter grades, but in terms of numbers, I scored really high.  This makes me very happy.  Unfortunately, I had a teeny anxiety meltdown tonight because, even though I’m keeping up with the course work,  I’m way behind in the writing of my actual manuscript.  For the first time today I doubted my ability to continue with the current course.  I verbalized this fear in the Discussion Forum and then immediately regretted it.  Unfortunately, there is no “Remove” key.  I sent my concerns to the instructors in email too.  The fabulous Jenny responded to my discussion post with a suggestion.  I’m pondering whether I can do what she suggests.  I think I can.  I’m going to give myself overnight to ponder so that I’m sure.  I truly don’t want to drop the class or defer until the next time it’s offered.

My dogs are reacting to my emotions.  They’ve been high strung all night.  It hasn’t been fun with them barking at the drop of a hat.   More stress!

Part of me thinks it’s ridiculous to let myself get so anxious about school, storms, or anything else.  This is not my regular way.  Writing this out right now helps me to connect the dots.  I was tense because the light brush with Sandy caused damage and income-reducing closings where I work.  That rolled into anxiety over the magnitude of the storm targeting my loved ones.  I think it makes sense that, when one is already anxious, anxiety might become the “go to” reaction when something else comes up.  So, Sandy here to Sandy up North to class performance anxiety.  Yes.  I guess it isn’t that much of a stretch.

Plus, I don’t have the natural buffer of extreme amounts of food to suppress my emotions.  ODing on food can numb you out.  Somewhere along the line I forgot about that effect.  We used to say in OA that the feelings won’t kills us but the food will.  Good saying to remember.

It’s been a long, emotional day.  I think right now, the best way that I can take care and set myself up for a successful day tomorrow is to go to bed and get a good night’s sleep.

Thanks for reading.  Night!

Friends, I am experiencing a phenomenal amount of storm-related anxiety today.  Enough so that if I had access to Valium, I would take one.  I don’t feel this much upset when a storm’s cone of doom aims right at the Florida Keys where I live.  Unfortunately, Hurricane Sandy is already impacting the area where I grew up — Southern Jersey Shore — and the area where I lived for many years — Central Jersey Shore, Asbury Park.

I know that there are millions of other people all along the Eastern Seaboard who are also being attacked by this storm but I think it’s understandable why my attention focuses on the areas I called home.  As of this writing, the worst of the storm hasn’t even hit yet, but Asbury Park’s ocean front is already under water.  Parts of Atlantic City and the other towns on Absecon Island — badly flooded.  Cape May, Ocean City, Brigantine. . . It’s horrible, folks.  Just horrible.

One of my Facebook friends is a producer for CNN.  She’s also from South Jersey.  You can bet that she’s tapped into the most current images.  A couple of hours ago, I felt like I needed to throw up because of the photos.  I’m actually sick to my stomach over what’s happening up there and knowing that people I love are so affected.   I finally had to cut myself off from FB and the photos and from watching storm coverage.  Any news reports that make one physically ill should be avoided, don’t you think?

Plus, I was overcome with food cravings.  I was thisclose to getting in the car and driving to the cupcake bakery for something rich, chocolatey and sweet.  I didn’t do it.  I remembered what I posted about being the person who doesn’t give into emotional eating or food compulsions, about wanting to be the one who makes healthy food choices.  I also remembered that eating a cupcake was not going to make me feel better.  If anything, it would make me feel worse to give into the compulsion.

Cupcakes don’t cure storm anxiety.  The sugar and carb rush might temporarily distract me, but in the end, I’d just feel even more crappy.

Instead, since  I didn’t have to work today,  I went to a morning Zumba class.  I came home and ate a good quality protein lunch.  I asked a friend to go out to dinner with me tonight so that I can have a nice respite from storm coverage.  Tonight I’ll settle in and watch television that doesn’t focus on wind, rain and flood images and then go to bed early.  I’m already exhausted and I’m sure that isn’t going to get better between now and bedtime.

When I lie down and put my head on the pillow, I want to feel better about the day, not worse.  I want to know that I took care of myself and didn’t let my compulsive behavior get the best of me.  I want to go to sleep knowing that, for today, I fought the good fight and won.

For those of us who remember the Reagan presidency, First Lady Nancy Reagan championed a “Just Say No to Drugs” campaign.  It means something different to me these days, but there are correlations.

Undergoing weight loss surgery did not “cure” me of an eating disorder.  I’m still a compulsive overeater with a binge eating disorder.  A surgically altered stomach is a tool, not a be-all/end-all solution.  I still get the urge to overeat, but am physically limited in the amount which, thankfully, puts the kabosh on binge eating.  Can’t binge when I can’t fit a lot of food in my stomach.

The compulsive eating behavior is still something that I have to guard against all of the time.  The urge to eat something not on my food plan can hit me at any time.  It doesn’t matter if I’m not physically hungry.  Compulsion is not logical.  It’s also a split second reaction as in:  See food, grab and eat it.

There are also times when I get cravings for a variety of reasons — boredom, stress, tiredness or any emotion.  Honestly, the cravings aren’t always stimulated by emotions.  I might smell something really good cooking or my taste buds or I might merely be in the mood for something crunchy or salty, sweet or savory.  I’m human.  Today, I would have loved nothing better at lunch time than extra crispy, greasy, salted french fries.  Thank goodness nobody walked by with a plate of them or I might have ambushed them from my office.  I could have walked down to the lunch truck and ordered some, even a half portion.  Thankfully, I successfully talked myself out of doing so.

I am at my best when I’m able to mentally fight the compulsion and put on the brakes between “Want” and “EAT NOW”.   If I have enough time, I frequently can just say no, stick to my planned food or find an appropriate alternate choice that won’t throw me off for the day.  It’s the split second need to interrupt the eating behavior before the wrong food can be taken and swallowed that presents the biggest challenges.  I give myself mental pep talks in the morning and frequently remind myself during the day to “Just say no”.  Might sound silly, but it helps.

Most days I bring whatever I’m going to eat for lunch with me to work in the morning.  I realized this week that I should consider giving myself options to help battle cravings and compulsion.  For example, today I grabbed a blueberry Greek yogurt from the fridge to eat for lunch.  By the time noon rolled around I was in the midst of the french fry desire.  Blueberry yogurt is neither crunchy nor salty.  This did not make me happy.  Fortunately, I remembered that I had some rare roast beef in the fridge at the office that I hadn’t eaten yesterday.  Still not crunchy nor particularly salty, but it provided a non-sweet flavor with more chewing and texture.  I ate that instead of the yogurt and was more emotionally satisfied.  Honestly, any food in a four ounce quantity will physically satisfy my hunger.  The issues are 90% mental.

So, I just said no to french fries and other crunchy/salty/greasy choices for the day.  I have leftover meat sauce with some whole grain spaghetti ready to heat up for dinner.  If I can get through to dinner without some other inappropriate cravings, I should be all right.

If I’m tempted, I’ll channel Nancy Reagan and Just. Say. No.

We get a reminder in OA to HALT which means to not let ourselves get too hungry, angry, lonely or tired.  Reaching our limit on any of those conditions weakens our resolve.  I’m tacking on the S at the end for Stressed because that’s how it’s been for me the last two days.  It’s ironic that I’m experiencing such an overload of work-related stress this week considering last week we all had sessions with our coach on managing our time and stress.  I learned a lot and quickly implemented some of the new tools into the way my department works.   These are excellent tips for organizing the day’s tasks.  They don’t completely shield us from stress-inducing situations, but at least we have a new vocabulary to talk about them.

The coach suggested that every morning before answering email or listening to voice mail, we organize our known tasks for the day and assign them a priority — A, B, C.  A items must get done.  B items should get done but can hold to the next day.  C items are lowest on the priority totem pole.  We can also look at things in different quadrants.  Quadrant One holds the things that are both urgent and important.  Other quadrants are either important but not urgent, urgent but not important or neither urgent nor important.

So, what caused me stress?  A combination of things.  I had some A list items that live in Quadrant One that I struggled to complete because I needed the time of other co-workers and they were busy with their own A list Q1 things.  Fact of life but stressful just the same.  I had someone at the last minute dump a Q1 that they’d been assigned on me and I wasn’t quick enough to say, “Hey, I have enough A things right now.”

We all have to be flexible.  Stuff happens.  We’re fluid.  New things arise.  That’s life and I’m okay with it, except when it feels like they’re all piling on me at once.  This morning when I made up my initial list at 8:45, I had four totally accomplishable A list items.  By 9:15, that list had suddenly grown to seven items!  Add in that one person I’d been trying to sit down with to settle one of those Q1 items kept getting pulled away or interrupted by someone else and my frustration level increased.  It is also entirely possible that I’m hormonal today.  Hormonal fluctuations are more difficult to track with perimenopause.

Anyway, before noon I felt so overwhelmed and stressed out with frustration, interrupted productivity, unexpected situations, etc. that I had to go into my office, shut the door, and have a short, mini-meltdown, complete with tears.  Twice.  Before noon!  This is above and beyond my usual mental/emotional state.  I operate on a pretty even keel most of the time and can roll with the situations.   Not today.

Remember H.A.L.T.S. and how those conditions weaken our resolve?  Let me tell you, by 2:00 p.m. I would have traded a toe for a freaking chocolate bar.  Luckily a friend keeps an emergency stash of mini-bars.  I weighed the options:  Continue to suffer with weepiness or self-medicate with a miniature piece of chocolate.  Friends, sometimes the chocolate really is the way to go.  At least I thought about it thoroughly intead of rushing into her office, yanking open her drawer and grabbing with both hands.  I took one, slowly unwrapped it, and savored every chocolate-y bite.

I’m not saying it’s the candy, but my day really did get better eventually.   I accomplished all seven of the A list items and handled a few miscellaneous Bs too.  I just took a break with a cup of tea and will handle one more small project before putting a halt to my work day.  I’m going to take good care of myself in non-food related ways for the remainder of the day.  Zumba Class after work, reading for class, and a good soak in the tub before bed ought to relieve the remainder of my stress.

Thankfully, days like today don’t last forever!