Weighty Matters

Sometimes I think I focus on the big picture so much that I overlook that it’s made up of lots of little things.  A huge weight loss is still achieved pound by pound.  Long term abstinence is achieved choice by choice, meal by meal, one day at a time.

There are even more specific little things that I haven’t attended to as well as I did when I first started out.  It’s helpful to go back and do a little analysis.   I told you that I’d gained some weight while away.  I was sort of shocked at the number of pounds although I knew that mathematically, it wasn’t possible for me to have actually gained that many.  (You need to consume 3600 calories more than you expend to gain a pound.  I’d have to drink multiple milkshakes in a day to consume 3600 calories at all, let along that many more than I burn.)  I figured that most of it was water weight.   I started retaining more water when I was away.  Last week, for the first time in a long time, I looked at my ankles and feet during a pedicure and they were decidedly puffy and swollen.  

Mind you, they weren’t as bloated as they used to be every single night.  Sometimes I swore it looking like someone had inserted water balloons beneath my skin.  When the pounds came off, so did a lot of that nightly bloat.  I wasn’t happy to see even a small percentage of it return.  At first I wrote it off to the travel, the change in weather temperature, routine, maybe more salt intake.  I figured the pounds would drop right off as soon as I got back.

When the pounds proved unusually stubborn, I took a closer look at everything, big and small.  I realized that I’m not drinking as much water and as is recommended each day.  In fact, I really wasn’t drinking much simple water at all unless I exercised.  I didn’t really work out while away and, due to crazy busy schedule on my return, I still didn’t get in as much exercise.  

Bingo.  Those simple, little things were probably the root.  I began to adjust.  I got to both Tai Chi classes.  Although I couldn’t make a Zumba hour, I resumed more walks with the dogs.  Over the weekend, I made sure to up my water intake by several ounces.

Sure enough, this morning, I saw the pounds reduce on the scale.   Today at work, I made sure to fill up my water glass a couple of times in addition to the green tea that I like to drink.  I didn’t get in as much extra as I did over the weekend, but it’s a start.  Tonight I walked the dogs after work, did some light weights for my arms, and then, just before I sat down to write this post, I did a set of Tai Chi on the porch.  Tomorrow I’m determined to get to Zumba class after work.  Oh how I’ve missed it!

Food plan.  Exercise.  Drink water.  These can produce big results even though, at the heart of it, they’re all little things on which to build success.

Think about the challenges or issues you’re struggling with right now.  Are there a few little things you can do or change that could help?

In today’s paper I read an article that said the American Medical Association declared obesity an illness.  Some obesity experts said this is long overdue.  Others, called in this article fat activists, denounced the move and are demanding that the AMA reverse the decision.

Here are a couple of quotes from both sides:

“It adds legitimacy to the problem, will help raise public awareness, and will get doctors engaged in treating the condition.” – Dr. Steve Smith, president-elect of The Obesity Society and scientific director for the Florida Hospital-Sanford Burnham Translational Research Institute for Metabolism and Diabetes.  (How’d you like to put all that on a business card?)

“It puts obesity on the same path as treatments for addictions to alcohol or tobacco, and mental health problems, such as depression.” — Joe Nadglowski, president of the Obesity Action Coalition.

“We don’t see ourselves as diseased. … To label a whole segment of society as diseased without any knowledge of their health is unacceptable.  It directly fuels discrimination.” — Peggy Howell, spokeswoman for the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance

“I’m appalled that the AMA chose to ignore science.” – Linda Bacon, nutritionist at University of California at Davis and author of Heath at Every Size.  The article further says that she notes that the definition of obesity (based on weight and height ration on the BMI chart)defines size not health.

I’ve been thinking about this article a lot today.  I believe I come down mostly on the side of the AMA.  Sort of.  I believe that compulsive overeating and binge-eating are diseases but that obesity is the symptom or the result.  I remember the first time I heard the idea that I had a disease.  It was a blessing.  Learning that, and then learning to internalize it so that I truly believed, helped release the shame that I’d carried all of my life.  It sowed the seeds for growing self-esteem and began to choke back the weeds of self-loathing and disgust.

I have to wonder if my insurance company’s policy on weight loss surgery would have been different if obesity had been declared a disease earlier.  Some insurance companies cover bariatric procedures, or cover some of them.  Mine didn’t.  Fortunately, I could access funds to pay for it out of pocket and that, along with other things, added up to a sizeable tax refund this year, TYVM.

Even after several readings, I’m not sure if I have enough information to fully grasp the entire viewpoint of the fat activists.  I really can’t wrap my brain around the position that labeling obesity as a disease fuels discrimination.  If anything, I think there’s the glimmer of hope that it could reduce the stigma.

Then again, maybe not.  Honestly, if someone’s going to make fat jokes or scorn someone who is overweight, I don’t think it matters to them in the least whether it’s a disease.  If anything, I’m most interested in how the official declaration could be a catalyst for positive change.  I’m not sure about the one comment about legitimizing the problem.  Really now, does anyone in this day and age think that obesity isn’t a legitimate problem?

Is that the point the women who were interviewed for the article are trying to make?  That obesity isn’t necessarily a health problem?  I find that really hard to believe so I’m chalking it up to the thought that they undoubtedly said a lot more in the interviews than made it into the article.

I know that right now, I’m the healthiest that I’ve probably been in my entire adult life.  According to my BMI, I’m still obese.  However, with the cardio and strengthening workouts, I’m physically in pretty good shape.  Inherent in that “pretty good shape” is the additional, unwritten phrase, “for a woman my size”.  My eating habits are much healthier, too, and not only because I eat far less.  I make better choices with less fat, more fiber, less sugar, and quality proteins.

I’m leading my healthiest life at this size.  I think that’s a good goal.  However, I don’t think that it’s in my best interests, or the interests of my long term health, to remain this size.

In the end, it doesn’t matter all that much to me whether obesity is officially a disease.  Since I’ve long believed that my eating disorder was a disease that contributed to my becoming so overweight, someone else’s declaration doesn’t affect me either way.

So what do you think?  Where do you fall on this debate?  Let’s discuss.

At work some of us use an expression that says at the end of the day we like to fix more than you break.  That can have a number of interpretations from the literal to the symbolic.  Overall, if I feel like I accomplished more than I didn’t, made progress over backsliding or standing still, and had more of a positive impact than not, I can end my day feeling like I fixed more than I broke.

I’ve had a boatload of stuff going on this week at work.  I think I’ve mentioned the old vaudeville act that I used to see on the Ed Sullivan Show when I was a kid back in the 60s where a guy ran up and down a line of thin, weaving poles on which spun plates.  The goal, of course, was to keep the plates spinning so that they wouldn’t fall off of the poles and crash on the floor.  During his act the tempo of the music sped up and he ran faster and spun more frenetically while the audience held their breaths and gasped when a plate slowed down and wobbled, about to fall.

I wasn’t quite whirling around at that pace with that much stress, but I had numerous projects that I needed to see completed before the end of the week and they required a lot of attention (i.e. spinning) to get them to that completion.  One of those projects involves me becoming proficient on the content management system of our new website.  I’m already faster and more efficient than I was at the beginning of the week.  In a month it will be second nature, but right now, it’s a lot more work.   It’s a fun plate to spin, but wears me out.  I meant to post on this topic last night, but honestly, I was so tired of staring at a computer screen and typing away at a keyboard, that I simply couldn’t force myself to write any more.

I’ve been focusing on my food plan, logging what I eat and what exercise I do into MyFitnessPal.  Every night that I stay true to that practice, I feel like I’m fixing more of my health than I’m breaking.  The last three days have gone well eating-wise.  Unfortunately, I’m still retaining a leaky boatload of fluid so I’m not seeing great weight loss.  I’m holding onto my calm about it because I know that as long as I stay on the plan, eventually the scale will start moving again in the right direction.

I also realized that I haven’t done as much exercise in the last week.  I let the hectic schedule get in my way, except for Tai Chi class on Wednesday night.  One of my dogs was hurting early in the week – a possible pinched nerve – so I didn’t get them out for walks the way I normally would.  (Even hurting, Nat would have hated if I left him at home and only walked his sister.  I couldn’t stand up to the sad look I perceived in his brown spaniel eyes.)  Another schedule conflict kept me from Zumba.  Too many plates spinning, so the physical activity crashed to a point.

I have Tai Chi class again tomorrow and then the rest of the weekend without commitments.  Natty isn’t stiff and hurting any more, so we can all get out for walks.  There aren’t weekend Zumba classes at times that don’t conflict with Tai Chi, but I have plenty of options to, ahem, exercise for working out at home, including jogging and other stuff in the pool.  I will get back on track, which is another way to fix more than I break.

The point to all this is that I realize that I can’t be all things to all people — even to myself.  I can’t always do it all every single day.  It would be great if I always kept all plates spinning at full force in perfect unison.  The fact is that all of the plates matter, but sometimes one or more of them might be a little off kilter and need more immediate attention than others.  It’s okay.  As long as at the end of the day I fix more than I break, life is good.

Do you ever realize something that should have been obvious?  So obvious that you want to roll your eyes at yourself?

Yeah, I had one of those moments today.  As you know, I’m analyzing and reevaluating my food plan.  With that process, it’s necessary to also employ rigorous honesty and take a hard look at how I’m following the guidelines.  I thought about what I was doing a few months ago when the weight loss was still proceeding at a good, steady rate and tried to honestly assess whether I was being as vigilant.

It hit me that one of the things I did every day was log my food into MyFitnessPal.com on my phone.  I entered every meal and snack and then added what exercise I accomplished.  During the day, I checked the summaries to view not only the total calories, but also the nutritional content of the food I consumed every day — carbs, sugars, proteins, and so on.

I don’t know when I stopped tracking my food with careful attention, but it’s been a few months.  I fell off gradually, skipping a day here and there, then a couple, then maybe a weekend.  Finally I just didn’t do it at all.

Honestly, I couldn’t tell you why I’d stop using something that proved to be a useful and helpful tool.  I know that I have always loathed food tracking, but in the beginning I didn’t let that keep me from the practice.  I can’t even really explain why I loathe the practice.  In the grand scheme of things, it seems sort of silly.

Nobody ever said that people with eating disorders are always champs at embracing the behaviors that work.

So, now that I’ve had the “Well, Duh” moment, and done my eye roll, I know that this is one thing that I can resume in my efforts.  Before sitting down to write this post, I entered today’s foods and exercise.  Looking at the day’s numbers, I’ve had a good, strong day.

Tomorrow, good, bad, or in between, I’ll track my food and exercise again.  Instead of guessing or believing I’m doing okay with my plan, I’ll have the data in front of me to tell me for sure.

One of the most difficult things for me to do is ask for help.  My ability to be sufficient and strong, to shoulder issues and tote them along, to handle things or get them done developed over the years but it started when I was fairly young.  My image of myself is someone who helps others.  I think of myself as dependable, able to function well in a crisis, whether it’s mine or someone else’s.  I like being someone on whom others can rely.

Asking for help doesn’t come easily to me.  Even though I’ve learned that needing help is not a sign of weakness, I’m still mostly reluctant to ask.   I’m not sure why because the times that I do, don’t diminish my strength.  I get the help, appreciate it, reciprocate whenever I can and go on.

Receiving help generally makes us stronger.  It shores us up like support beams on a building.  There’s no reason to be embarrassed or dismayed when we need a boost.  It’s okay.  Just like we’re present for family and friends when they need something, the people in our lives are ready to give to us when we need them.

I’m not sure why I embarked on this topic tonight.  It’s most likely because, after my posts last week, a dear friend who is also on this weight loss journey connected me with an online support group.  I realized that I’m not ashamed to admit that I need more support than I’ve been seeking.   If we had OA meetings locally, I’d go, but we don’t.  You all are incredibly supportive here, and that has been incredibly helpful over the last many months.  I wouldn’t replace that for anything.  I just need even more.  So, I’ve asked and I am receiving.

Instead of feeling weaker, I feel stronger for having put this out into the universe.  I know that I’ll be able to build on it from here.

Thank you all for your support.  It helps a lot.  It’s important for me to come here and write honestly about what’s going on and what I’m experiencing.  I appreciate that you all listen and provide positive feedback and insight without trying to fix me.  Again, this all helps.

So today was better with my food.  I am abstinent.

Abstinence in food addictions and eating disorders is a bit different from drug addiction and alcoholism.  I can’t avoid eating all together.  My abstinence means getting through without slipping into compulsive eating behavior.  It means I commit to eating to my food plan without taking that spur of the moment, unplanned addition.   Back in 1991, when I first went to a therapist who talked with me about having an eating disorder of compulsive overeating and binge eating, I didn’t have a clue how to establish abstinence.  The thought was horribly overwhelming.

She was also maintaining abstinence from an eating disorder and broke it down for me easily at first.  We didn’t focus on quantity of food but on the timing and control of the behavior.  For example, she said that if I woke up in the morning and committed to four slices of pizza and a quart of soda for dinner, for now that was okay.  If I woke up in the morning and committed to a single slice of pizza and water and stuck to that, then I was being abstinent.  If, however, I continued to eat and consumed four slices, I wasn’t.  For the first couple of months, I concentrated on that technique.  I committed to three meals and three snacks a day — including quantity without judging the actual amounts or volume — with the food choices planned and written down first thing in the morning.   Doing this really helped clear my head.  Might not have been great for my arteries, but it cleared my head.  With a clearer head, I could delve with greater success into the deeper issues.

Anyway, this morning, I planned out my foods for the day, packed two snacks and my lunch and went off to work.  When I got home, I cooked the dinner that I planned and ate it consciously.  A short time ago I had my last snack of the day.  I didn’t deviate.  As soon as I post this, I’m going to quit while I’m ahead and go to bed.

I also got the dogs out for good walks in the morning and evening and did a quick set of Tai Chi with friends at lunchtime.  The abstinence and exercise have my head in a much better place.  It’s only been one day, but one day at a time is all we shoot for.  We can build a strong, long, healthy recovery by stringing together one day after another after another.

I won’t say it was an easy day.  Amid the general load of work projects I addressed, I received an update on the friend who was recently diagnosed with cancer.  The news is far worse than we hoped; so bad, in fact, that they aren’t proceeding with the biopsy or chemo.  They’re arranging for hospice.  Clearly, the disease is so far advanced that it’s inoperable and untreatable.

I’m heartsick.  But, I didn’t eat over it.  That’s important.  Jamming food into my mouth really won’t ease the sadness or upset.  It will only do me harm.  That is true of every issue, problem or challenge we encounter.  Overeating doesn’t help.  It only makes things worse.

Remaining abstinent and staying in recovery instead of relapse are what I need to remain strong and deal with this and everything else.

Here’s to another better day tomorrow.

I started to call this ups and downs but switched to ons and offs because it more fits the old “being on the wagon or falling off the wagon” phrasing often associated with alcoholism and addiction.

I fell off the wagon in a big way this weekend.  Can’t explain why but I experienced intense, persistent cravings for chocolate, salty-crunchy, and fat.  Yesterday in the late afternoon, I caved.  This is sort of monumental because I didn’t just take a bite of something.  In order to obtain the chocolate, I actually had to go as far as changing clothes and driving to the supermarket.  The salty-crunchy and fat I had in the house in the form of a remaining bag of microwave popcorn, butter and bacon.  No, I didn’t eat those three things together.  The eating was spread out over several hours and into today.  Obviously, I can’t constantly eat.  My stomach doesn’t hold a lot and if I put in too much, it comes back up.

The extended period of time is particularly bothersome.  This wasn’t one compulsive moment.  Even if the quantities don’t come anywhere near what I used to be able to consume, the behavior is a classic binge.  Wanted became needed became planned became executed and it all culminated in the behavior continuing until about an hour ago.

I wish to hell I knew why I didn’t just fall off the wagon but leapt off in a binging cannon ball.  I’m sifting through the last couple of days, searching for a trigger.  I honestly thought I was in good shape heading into the weekend.  I had supplies in stock for my decided food choices and an exercise plan.  Saturday morning started off great.  I got the dogs out for a walk first thing in the morning, which was a treat because it had been raining a lot since I returned from my business trip.  I went off for a good Tai Chi class and then that Zumba class I’d promised myself.  The day was breezy but sunny and warm, so when I got home after Zumba, I went into the pool to clean out the leaves and sand from the recent stormy weather.

A good shower, planned for lunch, and then I went off to a presentation by an organization that finds and trains shelter dogs to be companions for military veterans who are dealing with PTSD or traumatic brain injury.   When I got home I was enjoying relaxing time with my pups and a good book.   Then the cravings started and I soon became obsessed with eating.

I started working with my anti-compulsion tools but I didn’t use them well enough.  My brain clicked off and that was that.

Woke up this morning filled with remorse and general anger at myself but began to eat off plan almost right away.  It was like I had to eat up all of the binge food.  Really, it would have been so much better had I walked it out of the house and thrown it into the trash outdoors, then run water over it so it would be too gross to eat.

On a brighter note, I walked Nat and Pyxi and then went to the animal shelter and walked a couple of those dogs too.  Came home and swam, jogged and otherwise exercised in the pool.

Overall, I feel like crap mentally and emotionally.  I thought about not blogging about it, so that I could hide the binge from the family and friends who read my posts.  Then I decided that avoiding and hiding the issue smacks of not being authentic.  I’m ashamed and embarrassed and have kicked into the old thinking of feeling like I’m disappointing other people.  However, concealing my weekend relapse from others is a form of denial.  Denial is dangerous.  It aids the disease behavior.  So, here I am, calling it what it is… a relapse into compulsive overeating.  The amount doesn’t matter.  It’s the behavior that’s key.

In the grand scheme of things, figuring out why it happened isn’t the priority.  It would be nice, of course, and could possibly help me avoid a similar trigger in the future.  However, recovery and abstinence from behavior comes from resisting the urge to eat off plan regardless of the trigger.  (There also might not actually have been a specific trigger for this occurrence.)

What matters most is what happens now  Is the binge over?  Can I resist the next compulsive urge?  The answers are I think so and I hope so.

Tomorrow is a new day, a new opportunity to take care of myself.  A day to travel on the wagon.  A day to not give into the cravings and compulsion.

I can do this.  I have to.

Thanks for listening.