Weighty Matters

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Aug 26

Incredibly Unflattering Progress Photos

by Mary Stella

Changing the time when I workout from early morning to after work proved to be a good thing today. For one, I was happy to have an extra half an hour of sleep and still got in a 15 minute walk with Nat and Pyxi. I also got together with the three other co-workers that also practice Tai Chi. We did a set at work at lunchtime.

When I got home from work, I put on my workout clothes and started the DVD with today’s routine which concentrated on the upper body. When I finished, I put together a healthy and tasty meal, using those colored containers for my portions. (Spaghetti squash with crushed fire roasted tomatoes and skim-milk ricotta cheese. Delish!) After taking the dogs out for an evening walk, I settled into the recliner with a cup of hot tea and relaxed. As I hoped, I’ve had no desire to compulsively eat. I know my mindset has something to do with it, but that was greatly assisted by the fact that I’d spent 30 minutes sweating and exerting myself. When one has just done numerous circle crunches and then some crossing twisty crunches, one does not want to pig out and eliminate the benefits gained.

That move wasn’t actually called crossing twisty crunch, but I can’t remember what they were called. They involved lying on my back crunching so that my left elbow went toward my right leg, right elbow to left leg. You get the picture. I will admit that I couldn’t do the full version with required keeping one leg straight in the air with the other out in front, elevated a few inches off of the ground. Still, I worked those abs by trying to make my elbow meet my bent and lifted knee.

Feeling like I accomplished good things for myself while also feeling strong and committed, I decided to go ahead and take some “before” pictures, as urged by the program creator. I’ve taken “before” pictures before, but never while wearing only my workout bra and shorts, leaving upper arms and midriff exposed. Shooting them at arm’s length with my iPhone didn’t help. Warning. These are spectacularly unflattering photographs. I caution you that once viewed, some things cannot be unseen.

Remember — you were warned!

Is it my imagination or is there the beginnings of some ab delineation beneath the remaining flab?

Is it my imagination or is there the beginnings of some ab delineation beneath the remaining flab?

So why, I hear you ask, would I publicly post ick photos of myself? I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m comfortable sharing all of this stuff — good and bad — with you. It’s part of my process and my recovery.

When I look at the pictures, I realize they aren’t quite as horrible as I make them out to be. Yep, I’m showing some flab, some stretch marks, some baggy upper arms, but so what? Overall, my body shows a heck of a lot of improvement since this photo:

Me at pretty much my heaviest weight.

Me at pretty much my heaviest weight.

That photo was taken about nine months before my weight loss surgery when I weighed about 386 pounds.

All things considered and compared, I’ll look with pride and happiness at the pictures I took today – including the flaws — and celebrate what I’ve accomplished.

A few weeks from now, I’ll shoot another set of pictures and we can assess my progress together.

Body Matters My Progress

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Aug 23

The Fridge in Another House

by Mary Stella

As you know, I was all ramped up to start the new program. (21 Day Fix.) I went out Thursday night and stocked up on fresh veggies, fruit and healthy protein sources. In addition to eating the right balance and portions of food, I want to eat as clean and fresh/unprocessed as possible.

I woke up at 6 a.m. on Friday and did the scheduled 30-minute cardio workout. (I really like that in the group of exercisers, they have an older, less in shape woman who demonstrates how to modify some of the moves. I would hurt my knee if I tried to do frog jumping jacks.) I drank a healthy protein mixture for breakfast and then carefully portioned out my lunch and two snacks for the day. I already knew what I’d have for dinner too. Full of energy and enthusiasm, I drove off to work.

Three and a half hours later I got a call from the friend who is remodeling my rooms. My refrigerator wasn’t working. Crapola!, I thought and immediately called the repair folks who are, thankfully, located just a couple of blocks away. The service tech made it to the house before I could get there from work and was already back at the shop to see if they had a replacement fan motor. Unfortunately, they didn’t and had to order the park. It should be in on Monday, they said. That was a relief, but we also know that things in the Keys don’t always happen when they should.

Whatever the case, I was going to have to deal without my full sized fridge through the weekend. Luckily, I have a dorm-sized fridge that I bought eight years ago when we first remodeled my kitchen. It could hold a few essentials. Adding to my luck is the fact that the house to my left is a vacation home. The family, friends of mine forever, is rarely here but they keep the electricity on. One call and I had permission to store my other things in their fridge and freezer.

While not having a working full-size fridge in the house would be inconvenient for a long stretch of time, I’ve discovered that it’s an asset when sticking to a balanced/portioned food plan. It’s hard to go back for seconds, or pick on something yummy when it isn’t in the same house. There are two doors, a side yard, and a porch between me and temptation.

I’d have to seriously lose my “stay on track” motivation and add in an overwhelming dose of “I want _____” to get up, put on shoes, grab the neighbor’s house key and walk all the way over there to eat compulsively.

I could be onto something with this whole “put the fridge in another house” technique for successful dieting.

What do you think?

Body Matters

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Aug 21

There’s Always Another New Day

by Mary Stella

Until the day we die, or maybe the day after, we always have a new day in which to restart our efforts and recommit to our goals. The only thing that drives an irreparable stake through the heart of our dreams is giving up.

I need to remember this.

Tomorrow I’m starting a new diet and fitness program. I’ll share the name, but only with the disclaimer that this is not a recommendation or endorsement. It’s called the 21 Day Fix. I’m not a big fan of the name. I’m not a lamp or a car to be fixed. I’m a person who needs some help and support to continue down my path to my weight loss and fitness goals. Even though the program is liberally advertised via infommercials on television, I heard about it via a country music artist named Jo Dee Messina who decided to do the program and started a challenge with her fans on her Facebook page. (You might remember that she was one of the artists on the Country Music Cruise that I went on last January.) Anyway, I heard about it on her page and then, in a strange synchronicity, saw the infommercial while channel surfing. I watched the show — is there anything that Montel Williams won’t hire on to help sell? — and that interested me enough to read more about the program on the web.

I like that the program includes a series of workouts that provide great variety in at-home exercise and each is only 30 minutes long. It also has a sensible eating plan that focuses on eating clean, quality foods in portion controlled balance. The portions and the balance are assisted by a series of colorful containers in different sizes.

Okay, enough about the program itself. Here’s what I find really interesting as I sit here tonight. My mindset and motivation are ramped up like I flicked a switch into the On position.

***** We interrupt this blog post for a commercial distraction. Have you seen the Kohl’s campaign for Find Your Yes? I just saw one filmed from the perspective of an elementary school kid trying to climb up a rope in gym class. It’s enough to give me heart palpitations and flashback to being the fat girl in gym class who couldn’t even pull herself up one foot off of the ground. Thank goodness the Kohl’s ad is a feel-good spot and the kid makes it all of the way up to ring the bell. *****

Now, back to my blog. So, I’ve been struggling for awhile and it all comes back to the mindset. I can do anything if I keep my head in the game and don’t mind-screw myself. I thought about this program for a while before ordering because I worried about whether I was falling into a diet mentality. I finally decided that I could benefit from the structure and the assistance of balance between proteins, carbs, fruits, veggies, and fats. For example, I noticed that it differentiates between fruits and veggies instead of combining them into a single category. It splits up different types of nuts and seeds.

I also like that it shows me how to treat myself a couple of times a week if I really want a glass of wine or a piece of chocolate. By following the instructions, I can substitute and not screw up the plan. It’s a food plan that I can live with and not feel like I’m on a restrictive diet. That is another asset for my mindset.

Earlier tonight, I went to the supermarket and purchased a variety of food items to fit the food plan. I’m going to put together my lunch and snack items before I go to bed so that I’m all prepared. My alarm is set for 6:00 a.m. so that I can do the 30 minute exercise routine before work.

All told, I’m excited about getting started tomorrow. I’m putting behind me the upset and negative thoughts I have about having gained some weight. I had a setback and now I’m setting it aside. Tomorrow is another new day.

Body Matters My Progress The Past is the Past

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Aug 11

Today’s the Day

by Mary Stella

Today’s the day I get back on track. It’s just before 8 a.m. and I’ve already made a good start. Instead of going back to sleep when my clock radio went off at 6, I rolled out of bed, put on my walking shoes and took the dogs out for a 30 minute power walk. I just had my protein smoothie and packed a healthy lunch with the appropriate snacks for lunch.

I feel strong and powerful emotionally, just in taking these few positive steps.

Honestly, I permitted myself to wallow for a few days and, in the wallowing, also ate a bunch of stuff that wasn’t good for me but tasted good. Now, I could continue to do that, but I also see how quickly my body puts on weight when I do and that isn’t acceptable. I’d also stayed off of the scale for a while, not wanting to face the physical reality. I got on this morning. Sure enough. According to the scale, I’ve gained 8 pounds. I know this is mostly water weight or bloat, but it’s a good reminder that I’m only a few missteps away from totally backsliding. Also not acceptable.

I am absolutely happy with the progress I’ve made over the last 2 1/2 years and I cherish that happiness. It will take me a while longer to untangle my messed up mindset but I am very, very clear on this point. I have transformed my life and will protect that transformation. Even if I never get to goal weight, I still want to maintain the good health that I’ve achieved thus far. (Yes, I know I’ll eventually get to goal weight, but I still need to reinforce the joy and happiness of the “now”, so it doesn’t go unappreciated in the effort for the future.

I’m sorry if I’m repeating myself and this all sounds like stuff I’ve said before, but I need to repeat it for myself. Heck, I need to pound it into my brain so it stays up front and doesn’t get clouded or buried by the other stuff that sometimes goes on in my diseased thinking.

Right now, I’m taking back my recovery. Today’s the day.

Body Matters General Musings My Progress

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Aug 8

Messed Up Mindset

by Mary Stella

For some reason, this blog is not fully cooperating with me. I’ve been unable to do posts or comments. Hopefully I have it straightened out.

In a comment to my “Funk” post from earlier in the week, Pink Pelican shared her experience which is similar to what I’m going through right now. Pink, thank you. Far from discouraging me, it gives me hope and validates what I’ve been thinking. I need to focus on my head, on my messed-up mindset right now.

To recap, what’s happened is that my stalled physical weight loss progress is drastically effecting my emotions and my mental process about my journey. This is a dangerous state for me. I’m an emotional eater. I have an eating disorder. When my emotions and head go off track, my compulsive eating behavior likely follows.

Right now, even though I am 180ish pounds lighter than I was a few years ago and living a life where I eat healthier foods and am physically active, I’ve lost the positive energy that I rode for so long on this amazing, joyful journey. I’m mired in the diseased mindset. I am nearly as down on myself about my body and lack of progress, the self-sabotage and everything else as I was when I was in the worst state of my eating disorder disease at 386 pounds. This is a dangerous, defeating, unhealthy place to be. I need to stop before I eat myself back into obesity.

Usually, I plan on how I’m going to control my eating. Oddly enough, that’s often easier than fixing the mindset. However, it’s the head that needs my focus right now. This doesn’t mean I’m flagrantly going out and eating whatever I want. Instead, it’s a call to myself for greater balance. In OA, we called recovery a three legged stool — physical, mental and emotional. If too much emphasis is put on one leg to the detriment of others, the seat isn’t balanced. It will tip and drop my ass on the ground.

The first two years of my post-surgery journey were alll physical progress. The speed of weight loss, the physical improvements in my overall body as well as my fitness level produced an incredible joy and euphoria. I worked on issues about my eating disorder here on the blog and have made a lot of progress in the area of understanding why and how I’ve used food as a drug and crutch in the past. That’s all good and I can build on it.

However, there are still aspects to the disease thinking that I haven’t resolved and now my stool is badly tilted. What’s coming up for me the most right now is the old B.I.N.G.E. thinking of Believing I’m Not Good Enough. More to the point, it’s believing that the amazing progress and revolutionary recovery I’ve already achieved isn’t good enough. I still in my heart of hearts find myself lacking. I get down on myself and concentrate too much on how far I still have to go.

No, I’m not satisfied. I don’t want to stop losing weight. However, somehow I also have to be okay with myself wherever I am in my progress. If I never did lose another pound, I would still be incredibly more healthy than I’ve ever been.

So, how do I accomplish this? I’m starting with cancelling stinking thinking. When I get down on myself for no progress or for messing up or even for eating a frigging half slice of bread, I need to be aware of the thought and then banish it or counteract it. It is unacceptable for me to be so self-critical and not accept myself.

At the same time, I need to get back to recognizing and appreciating all of the good that I have done and continue to do for myself. It isn’t enough for me to just go out and ride my bike six miles. I need to celebrate that activity in the moment and really make it rich. I will acknowledge and take joy in all that I am now able to do. Whether it’s riding the bike, walking with greater ease and less pain, the balance, strength and flexibility of Tai Chi, or the easy glide of snorkeling I will take note, immerse in the experience and feel the joy.

Negativity out – joy in. Easy formula. It’s almost like happiness is another muscle. I need to work on my reps and build the strength of my own heart and head to engender the recovery.

Body Matters General Musings

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Aug 5

Still Working on that Funk

by Mary Stella

I have not been overwhelmingly successful in taking back my joy yet. I have good segments of time when I’m able to shake off the “I can’t lose weight no matter what I do” funk, but not enough segments, or long enough chunks of time, to sustain me. I miss the feeling that I enjoyed where every day I jumped out of bed excited about my progress, leaping into my physical activity and relishing the new ease and strength of my body. My spirit and my physical self still feel heavy, weighted down.

That said, perhaps I’m making some progress. I’ve determined that I do better in the daytime than I do at night. When I’m home after dinner I am often beset by the urge to eat even after my meal. Not only do I want to eat more, but I seem to want to eat inappropriate foods. It’s like any of the negative feelings coalesce in the evening until I’m sad and frustrated. Then, when I end up eating more than I should or eating something that I shouldn’t, I get even more blue.

Sounds pitiful, doesn’t it? Actually, realizing the timing gives me some hope. I’m by nature a fixer. Admittedly, I’m often better at fixing someone else’s situation, or a work situation, than I am at fixing myself, but identifying a specific time of day gives me something more concrete on which to focus. I can develop a strategy so that I don’t eat compulsively after dinner but stick to my plan.

This might sound silly, but I even set a reminder in my phone calendar for 8 p.m. tonight that says No More Eating. Since when I compulsively eat, I do it without much thought, or without being able to interrupt the action before I’ve done the damage, I thought a reminder might help me be more mindful. We’ll see.

It’s a process. As long as I keep working on it, I’m not giving up.

Body Matters General Musings

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Jul 29

Battling Discouragement

by Mary Stella

Friends, pardon me while I spew. I am as close to complete discouragement as I have been since this entire weight loss journey started, pretty much three years ago. Yes, it’s almost three years since I made the decision to investigate weight loss surgery.

It doesn’t matter what I do, how careful I am to adhere to my food plan, or how much exercise I do, my weight loss is stuck. Mired like my feet are encased in concrete blocks, sucked into a thick, swampy goo. I don’t know what else I can do, or what I can do differently. I. Just. Don’t. Know.

I’m so close, so very close to getting to One-derland. I can see it right there on the horizon. Shiny, sparkly, tantalizing and all I have to do is run to the border and get there. I feel a little like Dorothy, running toward Oz, and then getting knocked out by the poppy fields.

Maybe there is such a thing as a set point and my body decided that 211 is it. Maybe I’m doing something wrong with my food plan and eating but can’t figure it out. My body doesn’t react the way that it used to.

I’m confused, frustrated, annoyed, wistful and so discouraged. I either want to cry or eat, or maybe just say screw it. Stop trying to lose any more and simply work on maintaining the fabulous weight loss I’ve already achieved.

I’m tired of the strict effort. I’m fed up with thinking that if I have a small slice of bread, a spoonful of potato or a quarter cup of rice that I’ll derail my progress. I just want to eat like a “normal” person with a great variety of foods in appropriate portions for my stomach and maintenance.

This totally messes with my head and my emotions. The one thing that I refuse to do is backslide into weight gain. In all that I’m experiencing internally right now, that’s the solid foundation to which I can hold. It’s a positive. Maybe I’m not losing, but at least I’m not gaining.

I can only hope that I’ll feel differently tomorrow. That I’ll wake up with renewed faith that if I continue to do what I’m supposed to do, the weight will again begin to decrease. Right now, I’m a little short on that kind of faith. I am, however, holding on to that maintenance determination. No matter what else happens, that is essential to my health and recovery.

Thanks for listening. Anybody have any suggestions or words of encouragement?

Body Matters General Musings

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Jul 25

No Progress Frustration

by Mary Stella

It’s Day 6 of my 31 Day Challenge and Day 6 of the healthy cleanse. I have really and honestly been vigorous in following the program. Each day, I’ve drunk (drank?) the cleanse liquid. I’ve had protein shakes for breakfast and lunch. At night I’ve eaten chicken with mixed greens and a veggie. My snacks have been healthy – veggies, fruit, nuts sometimes. I’ve had a couple of small pieces of dark chocolate over the six days.

As suggested to me, I haven’t eaten red meat. The only dairy products were small splashes, and I do mean small, of half and half in my morning tea. I haven’t had any potatoes, rice, bread — not even as much as a single cracker or chip.

You would think with such rigorous adherence to program, I’d have seen some great results. In terms of the scale — I’ve fluctuated up and down in a one-to-two-pound range. Internally, my system remains sluggish. I’m frustrated as hell.

If I didn’t mentally feel so encouraged by my abstinence from compulsive eating, I’d be downright pissed off. Tonight, I’m craving the positive reinforcement of weight loss for my solid effort. Instead, I have to reinforce myself by continuing to focus on the fact that I was in recovery all week and stuck to my plan. In lieu of progress and satisfaction, I need to remind myself that if I keep doing what I’m doing, the weight loss will come. Go on faith, so to speak, while I wait for the results to happen in fact.

I understand that at age 56, my metabolism is slower than it was when I was younger. I also completely get why the weight melted off so rapidly in the first year after my weight loss surgery and then gradually slowed. I just didn’t expect it to slow so much that it feels like the equivalent of rush hour on the busiest highway in America when a traffic accident has closed down two of the four open lanes.

Right now, my mind is the biggest risk. Overcoming the “I was so good this week and nothing. Oh screw it” mentality takes effort. I’m engaged in some mental “white-knuckling”, struggling somewhat to keep my mind and thoughts clean, healthy, and focused on the ultimate goal.

I’ve read up on yo-yo dieting, or more properly called weight cycling. Studies in post-menopausal women have shown that years of yo-yoing don’t mean that you’re doomed. Given the right formula of calories and nutrition, I absolutely will lose weight.

All things considered, while frustration isn’t fun, it beats the emotions I’ll experience if I give into any emotional eating. If I do that, I’ll be angry, disappointed in myself, and sad — all heaped on top of the frustration. Instead, I need to “keep on keeping on”. One of these mornings, I will wake up and see progress.

Body Matters General Musings My Progress

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Jul 23

A Magic Motivational Switch

by Mary Stella

Over the decades, I frequently wished for a magic switch that I could flip on at will and trigger constant motivation to lose weight, exercise, live a healthier life. Any time I started out great guns on a new diet and did well, I felt like I’d flipped the switch. Unfortunately, it always eventually felt like the switch had gone down into the “Off” position and killed my motivation. I’d give up the positive efforts, regain the weight, etc. etc. etc. Soooo many times of ups and downs, losses and gains. Is it any wonder that my metabolism is probably a bit screwy?

Right now, I feel like my switch is on. It isn’t that these products I’m using for the cleanse and protein shakes have magical ingredients that trigger my success. I know it’s all about my attitude, coupled with my willingness and determination. I’m on Day Four of my 31 Day Challenge and I feel great. Physically I haven’t seen massive internal system changes or results from the cleanse (How’s that for tactful, non-graphic information.) although I’m down a couple of pounds since Sunday. The positive feelings are mental and emotional. I feel strong in my effort. I’m not white-knuckling the recovery which means that each day I’m finding it relatively easy to stay on track with the food plan. I’m not eating compulsively. I’m saying no to carbs like bread, potatoes, chips, and the like. I’m exercising. All of the last few days have transpired exactly as they should. This is how I achieved success for many, many, many months.

I am hopeful that this will continue. Actually, I’m determined to make it so. Thirty-one days of this will result in strong weight loss and great health build. I know this for a fact. The challenge is for me to keep the switch on and not be tempted to flip it off when I hit an emotional challenge. There’s no magic involved. It all comes down to me making the positive choices – every time a choice is presented.

Body Matters General Musings My Progress

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Jul 21

Day Two of the Challenge – An Amendment

by Mary Stella

I’ve had a great two days. The supplements I’m taking taste good. I successfully handled the plan during a work day. I always worry about whether I can adapt while I’m at work so when I actually do it, I’m relieved. It helped that I have a little single serving smoothie blender at the office that a friend gave me for my birthday. This makes it easy for me to mix up a protein shake at lunch.

Everyone in my office is supportive of my efforts, so I never feel strange about doing something like breaking out a blender. Oh sure, if it was 5 o’clock and I was blending margaritas nobody would look twice at any office :-), but I know that not all work environments are friendly and supportive. I feel lucky.

I’ve made one adjustment to my challenge. I redid my chart for the donyus. When I shared my original chart, that called for me working up to 200 donyus by Day 31, my instructor didn’t quite ask, “Are you crazy?” but I sensed some concern that I might not have considered this plan as much as I should. After thinking about it some more, and remembered the interesting creaking noises that sometimes come from my right knee, I surmised that super high numbers of donyus might do me more harm than good. So, tonight I scaled down the 31 Days of Donyus plan to one that will work me up to 70 per day. I believe this is doable in a non-harmful way, particularly because around the 45-50 mark, I’ll break the daily goal into two sets – one each in the morning and evening.

Having an overall challenge plan in place helped with my thinking and attitude today. For example, I stopped into another department’s office to check on something for a moment. One co-worker always brings in a small tub of home baked chocolate chip cookies. Seeing that tub on the counter, I could hear the big blue Muppet in my head saying, “Coookieee!” I automatically approached thinking one cookie wouldn’t hurt, but I stopped myself with a mental, “Remember the Challenge”, turned around and left the office. Mary-1 / Chocolate Chip Cookies-0. Booyah!

The dogs and I walked this morning and again this evening. I wasn’t hungry when I got home from the post-work/early-evening dog walk, so I hopped on my bike and did a quick five mile ride.

I know I sound all fired up and confident right now. I need to remember that it’s only been two days. At the same time, it’s good to remember and reinforce myself for two days of adhering to the challenge plan which, in program terms, means two days of abstinence from compulsive eating. Every time that I stay on track brings benefits that are physical, of course, but also mental and emotional. I feel good that I’m taking positive action. Positive action breeds more positive action. I need to string some days and weeks together and keep moving forward.

Over the weekend I was going through some old bags and papers and found a notepad on which I’d scribbled a quote that someone else used in a presentation I attended. I found it at the right time because it is serving as a well-timed, great reminder as I progress through the early days and shore up my foundations. The quote is:

Obstacles are the frightful things that appear when you take your eyes off of the goal – Henry Ford

I know he was most likely talking cars and, definitely, not about diets. Doesn’t matter. I’ll take my inspirational reminders where I find ’em.

Body Matters General Musings My Progress

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