Weighty Matters

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Want What I Want – Sort Of

on July 18, 2014

One consistent, positive change I’ve made in my life is to prepare and take my food with me to work almost every day. I don’t rely on getting lunch when I’m there because I know that doing so increases the chance that I will eat something with too many fat calories and carbs. I will eat junk or deep fried meals all under the rationale of it being easy available at the food truck.

In the mornings while I drink my breakfast smoothie, I feel a certain amount of satisfaction as I plan, prepare and pack up my two snacks and lunch for the day. It’s like my internal voice proclaims, “Check me out. I’m a healthy woman healthily putting together my healthy foods. I’m all that and a snack bag of celery!”

It’s all well and good except that my taste buds and craving center are often contrary. A couple of days this week, I was all happy happy mixing up a bowl of fat free plain Greek yogurt with a touch of organic honey for sweetness and stirring in a few sliced strawberries for lunch. I knew it would taste delicious for lunch. Then, around 12:05 when I was hungry I was hit with wanting something completely different — like half an order of extra crispy fries or a grilled cheese sandwich. I was totally into the salty-savory-crunchy food. I refrained by perpetuating a little disgust as in calling up that inner voice again but writing the monologue along the lines of, “Knock it off. You have a perfectly tasty, healthy meal all ready and waiting in your lunch bag in the fridge. Just take it out and eat it.” I wasn’t mean to myself or call myself names. I just gave myself a little “what for”, then took out my yogurt and enjoyed it.

I swear sometimes it’s disease thinking trying to undermine or challenge my resolve and recovery. Maybe Hell called and needed more of the road paved and that’s why my good intentions sometimes get thwarted. When these things happen, I’m grateful for the little things that prevent my derailment. Or maybe I derail the derailment which puts me back on track?

Last night I was at my nail tech getting my mani-pedi. In between her shop and my house is a wonderful cupcake bakery. I ate dinner before going to the nail appointment. I had a snack at home all planned for later. However, as she was applying the second coat of polish to my fingernails, I was swamped with desire for a chocolate cupcake filled with chocolate ganache and topped with salted chocolate butter cream frosting.

Friends, I’m here to say that the only thing standing between me and complete, unplanned cupcake gorging was the wet polish. I was so close to making a left into that bakery parking lot but I thought about how there was no way I could complete the purchase, get back in the car and make it home to eat that tempting goody without ruining my manicure. The smudges and smears that I knew would happen would have stayed with me — as strong an evidence of my own transgression from my plan as a certain literary character’s scarlet A.

Look, I know that it’s perfectly fine for me to sometimes have a cupcake — just not then in those circumstances when I was almost lured from my path of recovery and pre-planning. I didn’t need the cupcake as much as I mentally wanted it. The trick was to not want to mess up my food plan more than I wanted to consume the dessert.

There’s the crux of the wanting dilemma. I need to put the long term goal first and want that more — much more — than I want the more immediate satisfaction of whatever I’m craving. I need to always remember what I want more so that I don’t listen when my mind tells me that I want what I want in the moment.

2 responses to “Want What I Want – Sort Of

  1. forestjane says:

    You don’t know me (which feels weird to me, because I’ve been following you for a LONG time and feel like I know you well, lol) BUT thanks to your positive example, I’ve begun the process of my own weight loss surgery. Keep up the good work, and remember, you ARE an inspiration.

    • Mary Stella says:

      Jane, I’m so glad that you’re making a choice that you feel is good for you. Thank you for coming by and sharing. Please keep in touch so we can support you too! Your kind words are appreciated. Good luck with your journey!

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