Weighty Matters

Just another WordPress.com site

Want What I Want – Sort Of

One consistent, positive change I’ve made in my life is to prepare and take my food with me to work almost every day. I don’t rely on getting lunch when I’m there because I know that doing so increases the chance that I will eat something with too many fat calories and carbs. I will eat junk or deep fried meals all under the rationale of it being easy available at the food truck.

In the mornings while I drink my breakfast smoothie, I feel a certain amount of satisfaction as I plan, prepare and pack up my two snacks and lunch for the day. It’s like my internal voice proclaims, “Check me out. I’m a healthy woman healthily putting together my healthy foods. I’m all that and a snack bag of celery!”

It’s all well and good except that my taste buds and craving center are often contrary. A couple of days this week, I was all happy happy mixing up a bowl of fat free plain Greek yogurt with a touch of organic honey for sweetness and stirring in a few sliced strawberries for lunch. I knew it would taste delicious for lunch. Then, around 12:05 when I was hungry I was hit with wanting something completely different — like half an order of extra crispy fries or a grilled cheese sandwich. I was totally into the salty-savory-crunchy food. I refrained by perpetuating a little disgust as in calling up that inner voice again but writing the monologue along the lines of, “Knock it off. You have a perfectly tasty, healthy meal all ready and waiting in your lunch bag in the fridge. Just take it out and eat it.” I wasn’t mean to myself or call myself names. I just gave myself a little “what for”, then took out my yogurt and enjoyed it.

I swear sometimes it’s disease thinking trying to undermine or challenge my resolve and recovery. Maybe Hell called and needed more of the road paved and that’s why my good intentions sometimes get thwarted. When these things happen, I’m grateful for the little things that prevent my derailment. Or maybe I derail the derailment which puts me back on track?

Last night I was at my nail tech getting my mani-pedi. In between her shop and my house is a wonderful cupcake bakery. I ate dinner before going to the nail appointment. I had a snack at home all planned for later. However, as she was applying the second coat of polish to my fingernails, I was swamped with desire for a chocolate cupcake filled with chocolate ganache and topped with salted chocolate butter cream frosting.

Friends, I’m here to say that the only thing standing between me and complete, unplanned cupcake gorging was the wet polish. I was so close to making a left into that bakery parking lot but I thought about how there was no way I could complete the purchase, get back in the car and make it home to eat that tempting goody without ruining my manicure. The smudges and smears that I knew would happen would have stayed with me — as strong an evidence of my own transgression from my plan as a certain literary character’s scarlet A.

Look, I know that it’s perfectly fine for me to sometimes have a cupcake — just not then in those circumstances when I was almost lured from my path of recovery and pre-planning. I didn’t need the cupcake as much as I mentally wanted it. The trick was to not want to mess up my food plan more than I wanted to consume the dessert.

There’s the crux of the wanting dilemma. I need to put the long term goal first and want that more — much more — than I want the more immediate satisfaction of whatever I’m craving. I need to always remember what I want more so that I don’t listen when my mind tells me that I want what I want in the moment.


A “Hey Baby” Look

Friday night was the annual fundraising performance at our local community theater. I made plans to meet a friend for appetizers and a drink beforehand. I ran home from work to shower, do my hair and dress up for the evening. Dressing up is a relative phrase in the Keys. On that evening it meant a cute, casual dress, kitten heels instead of flip flops, more makeup than I usually wear, etc.

I parked the car and walked toward the restaurant. I passed by a couple of stores that were still open A couple of men stood at the curb. As I approached, one said hello and gave me a definite, “Hey, baby, how you doing?” look and said hello.

It’s been years since I got a look like that from a man, but a woman doesn’t forget. I have to tell you, it put a little extra pep in my step. I smiled, said hello back, and kept walking, pretty sure that he was checking me out even though I could no longer see him.

I don’t know if I’m ready to start following up on expressions of interest. I still have some issues about my body, particularly how it looks now with sagging skin. At the same time, I really can appreciate that I’m gaining a nice figure, with, dare I say it, sexy curves. That there are men who might, from time to time, give me that appreciative, interested look and throw out a little flirtation feels great. Booyah!

In other stuff, I haven’t quite hit 10,000 steps yet on any given day, but I know that I did the equivalent and more so yesterday. At the end of the day, my FitBit step count was at 8876 but I also did an 8 mile bike ride! Definitely a good fitness day. Today the wind is blowing more than 20 mph with gusts to 23. This pretty much kills any long bike rides. I can muscle through with winds up to 15, but it’s hard to do that for more than a couple of miles. I’m trying to compensate and took the dogs for a longer walk this morning. I have several things to do around the house today, and plan to work in some additional fitness somehow — even if it’s the two mile in-home walking DVD along with practicing Tai Chi. I’ll plan on another long walk with the dogs this evening. (They don’t do as well in the bright sunshine on their furry bodies.)

This week I really need to prep my mind to stay on track. In a fit of terminal helpfulness, I volunteered to bake six dozen cupcakes this week for a fundraising event next weekend. I honestly don’t know why I put myself in this position. Although I have baked my brownies for different things, I usually can get through that without too much damage to myself. Baking over a couple of nights is going to challenge my willpower. I’ll make sure to not do it until right after I’ve eaten dinner so that my stomach capacity is full. At least I’m not making the frosting. That would definitely trip me up. It’s much more tempting than raw cupcake batter. I won’t eat the baked cupcakes themselves since they’re intended for a specific purpose. Once more into the breach!


Done in by a Cupcake

Day Two is over and I broke my abstinence. Right now I’ve defined my abstinence as eating only what I plan to consume and not giving into food impulses that lead me to compulsively eat.

I was doing okay until after lunch when a co-worker came into my office and told me that the company that designed our new website sent us cupcakes as thanks for continuing our association via a service contract. Since I do a lot with the website, she wanted to make sure I got one before they were all gone.

There was plenty of time and space between my office and the kitchen when I could have stopped myself. I could have smiled and said, “No thank you.” I absolutely did not have to get up from my chair and go into the kitchen, take the cupcakes out of the fridge, grab one and take it back to my office. Right up until the moments when I ate the damn thing I could have said no. But I didn’t.

Sounds pretty damned lame of me, doesn’t it? No, it’s okay for you to agree. It WAS lame. I’m stronger than the cupcake and the urges. That said, there are also way too many times when I just want to have the cupcake and not have it be a major issue.

Can you tell that I sometimes have issues about my issues? I resent my compulsive overeating disease. It pisses me off that I have it with all the accompanying negative emotional stuff and physical impacts that come with it. Part of me wants to go outside right now and scream into the night, “IT WAS ONLY A FREAKING CUPCAKE!!!”

Whew. Okay. Rant over. Now let’s look at the facts. I had a cupcake with icing. It wasn’t the biggest cupcake in the world. I looked at a bunch of different cupcake ratings online which ranged in calorie counts from 150 to 450. I’m going to rate this at a solid 280 calories with 16 grams of carbohydrates and 40 grams of sugar. (I’m pretty sure that I’m over estimating but I’d rather do that than underestimate.)

I logged everything into MyFitnessPal. Even with the cupcake putting me far over the daily sugar grams, I was so good with every other thing that I ate today that I’m still below my carb and fat allotment and good on my total calorie intake for the day. Between riding my bike and Tai Chi class, I also burned about 400 calories. Overall, it could have been a lot worse.

The real damage is to my emotions. I haven’t quite tipped over into sackcloth and ashes over the lapse. Mostly I’m ticked off at myself. In the comments of yesterday’s post, Cathy talked about my desire to be healthy being stronger than the food. I wish I could say that was the case all of the time. It was yesterday. Today, there were a few moments when I ignored the desire to be healthy. It happens. It sucks. I need to put it aside now and move on.

I’m happy that I didn’t let it trash the rest of my effort for the day and night. Hopefully this will help me set myself up for a successful day tomorrow. I will not let a single cupcake derail me permanently. That is all.