A month or so ago I talked about making a difficult decision to step away from an organization on whose Board I served. I didn’t fully understand how much stress I put on myself with that involvement until I no longer felt it after I resigned. (The friendship I was worried about has not gone completely south either. I think eventually we’ll be okay.)
About a week ago, I realized that I was in another situation that, while not stressing me out, was making me cranky. I had previously said to a group that I was interested in training as an instructor. Over time, I asked for a better idea of the path and process to achieving that and wasn’t given the information that I’d hoped for. It wasn’t the organization’s way. Then I saw some decisions made that puzzled me and, to be honest, hurt my ego. I thought I could process the emotions and thoughts and bring myself to a place where it didn’t bother me. I thought I could be patient. I was unsuccessful in both areas. With everything combined, it made me, like I said, cranky. I don’t like being cranky in my leisure activities. The emotions leached the enjoyment out of the activity and allowing that to happen just didn’t make sense.
Still, this was also not an easy decision. I am, at heart, a people-pleaser and it’s really difficult for me to make a change that’s better for me if I perceive that I’m going to disappoint someone else – particularly if the someone is a friend. Ultimately, I withdrew myself from consideration. My friend was disappointed but supportive. This was a welcome experience after the previous dust-up in the other situation. Overall, again, having made the decision I then felt relief and a reduction in stress and upset. I was happier and more relaxed in tonight’s class and that reinforced that I’d made the right decision. For me.
I don’t know why it’s so hard sometimes to choose actions and decisions that are right for me. Probably something to do with not wanting to be, or be perceived as, selfish. There’s a line to be determined between acting in a negatively selfish way and doing something that is necessary for my improved wellbeing. In my heart, I believe that I took actions that support my recovery. Regardless of how others may feel, I know I’m relieved and I’m sticking with them.
Weighty Matters 
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