Weighty Matters

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Additional Realizations

on July 13, 2012

It’s been a great week where I’m aware of myself in good, not negative ways. I had a social function to attend earlier this evening. A few weeks ago when doing one of my closet purges, I found a dress that I loved years ago. I haven’t worn it in more years than I can remember because it was so tight that the line of buttons down the front gapped open and the material stretched across my boobs like someone wrapping an Egyptian mummy. The fabric is a deep purple batik which, given that I live in the Keys, is always in style. It totally didn’t matter that the dress is 10 years old. It was still in style. Anyway, when I found it in the closet, I looked at the size tag and figured I might as well try it on.

It not only fit, it looked great I looked great in it! It has a scoop neckline and, for the first time I noticed that my collar bones are beginning to show! I was so excited to wear this dress tonight that I didn’t even mind that I needed to iron it first. (Ironing is not a household chore that I adore.) To go with the dress, I pulled out a pair of shoes with a wedge heel. A dress and shoes that aren’t flip-flops? That practically constituted semi-formal wear for me.

Off I went to the function where I’d do a fair amount of networking. I knew I’d see people I already know but expected there to be several whom I’d never met. I’m usually comfortable at these kinds of things, but even though I’m good at walking up to strangers, introducing myself and making conversation, in the past I always had to gag the ugly voice in my head first.

That voice used to harangue me about being the biggest person in the room. It used to whisper that the other people who watched me arrive were all thinking, “Good God, that woman is huge! How does someone let themselves get that big?” The voice lectured me about what I chose to eat at these things too, and told me that everyone was watching to see how much food I put on my plate.

Let me tell you, it’s amazing that I ever went anywhere with that voice bitching at me in my own psyche. Somehow I learned to do what I wanted or needed to in spite of the voice.

Tonight, it was so much fun to stroll from the car, smoothly and gracefully, feeling really good about my progress. I walked into the room confident that I projected all the positive vibes glowing inside.

Obviously I wasn’t the smallest attendee in the room, but I wasn’t the only person with some size. It didn’t matter. I didn’t feel judged or unduly assessed and I sure as hell didn’t judge myself. I just let myself enjoy the function, network as I needed, and have a good, relaxed time.

On this evening, I only heard nice things — from the people around me and from my own psyche. It’s good to know that I can change not only my body — my physical frame — but also my internal framework. I’m not only seeing the changes, I’m internalizing them. That’s a great realization for me to celebrate.

Progress update: I broke through the stall. As of this morning I have lost 96 pounds! Four more pounds to reach the 100 pound mark. At that point, I’ll get another photo taken to post. Woot!

6 responses to “Additional Realizations

  1. Hope says:

    Congrats Mary! You rock!

  2. Mary Stella says:

    Thanks, Everyone!

  3. Mary says:

    Don’t you love closet shopping? Sounds like a terrific evening. The internal changes make all the difference. Looking forward to the 100 lb celebratory picture.


  4. Skye says:

    Really awesome on both your physical changes and your mental and emotional changes. You’re doing so great!

  5. lunarmom says:

    Congratulations! On ALL of this. The numbers are good, but the attitude is better. Well done!

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