Weighty Matters

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It’s Fitting.

on July 12, 2012

I’ve mentioned before that being extremely overweight causes one to be hyperaware of size and surroundings.  For years, I didn’t sit in a chair without first mentally assessing whether it would bear my weight.  In restaurants or large conference halls where tables and chairs are often close together, I’d worry that there wouldn’t be enough room for me to walk between tables without bumping into people or having to ask someone to pull themselves closer to their own tables.

I could list a dozen other examples.  Let me tell you, this constant state of hyperawareness of my size created a lot of stress and tension.

I’m still a larger woman, but I’m a lot less large than I used to be.  I wish I’d lost as much of the hyperawareness, but it’s still present.  However, I’m retraining myself one circumstance at a time.   Whenever I encounter a situation where my body fits better, I take the time to really acknowledge that it’s happened.  I note how it feels.  Doing this not only reduces fear and tension, it also creates smiles and happiness.

When I first went out on my boat, I’d already lost a good chunk of weight.  I could definitely feel the difference just in swinging my leg over the gunwhale.  Then I sat in my captain’s seat and looked at how much more space existed between my stomach and the steering wheel.

The other night while sat at the bar (on a high stool that I was able to much more easily boost myself up on) with my friends, the rest of the restaurant filled up.  When we turned to leave, I had a moment of sharp concern that there wouldn’t be enough room in between the different parties for me to navigate gracefully through the room.  I paused and studied the open space, then had to deliberately remind myself that I am physically smaller than I was months ago.  Maybe at my largest weight I would have had difficulty.   Now, even if some of the spaces were a little tight, they weren’t too tight for me to glide through.

Earlier this evening I drove to a local restaurant to meet friends.  Most of the parking spaces in the lot were already filled except for one between a small sedan and a larger truck.  I figured out that if I pulled in slowly and adjusted, I could fit my SUV in that space, but I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to then open my car door wide enough to exit without having to squeeeeeeeze out.  Six months ago, it would have been a very tight fit and I don’t think I would have succeeded.  Tonight it was still a tight fit, but my body didn’t rub against any part of my car as I got out.  I walked out smiling.

Each one of these examples stands as an NSV.  They also help me rewire my thought patterns.  Each time I fit into or through a smaller space, or sit in a different chair and know that it’s strong enough to hold me, I make a little more progress retraining my perception of my own size.  That, my friends, is truly fitting.

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3 responses to “It’s Fitting.

  1. Skye says:

    Yay! And good for you for being aware enough to consciously notice these things and tuck them into your active awareness. You are doing such wonderful work!

  2. June says:

    Wonderful!

  3. Hope says:

    Yay!

    I accidentally whack my belly on lots of things these days. Whoops. :p

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