I’ve made it more than 36 hours without weighing myself. Funny how that seems so hard when I’ve made the conscious choice not to get on a scale, as compared to being away for a week and not even thinking about getting weighed. This is turning into a great lesson. It came to me expressed so clearly when I was riding my bike after work. I need to keep repeating this to myself and reinforcing it in my mindset so that it truly sinks in.
It’s not about what I weigh; it’s about how I’m eating. Recovery comes from not compulsively overeating.
I’ve had two days of compliance with my food program. Keeping my focus on eating according to my plan and not grabbing things impulsively is so powerful. Just two days of abstinence lightens my spirit, mood and how I think. I treat myself better emotionally when I’m clean and clear of diseased eating behavior. I’m looking forward to doing it all over again tomorrow — one day at a time.
Moving on with a different topic focus, I have a fear that I need to face. Something’s come up at work where more of us from a variety of departments are needed to help with some observations Some of these observations are done from the vantage point of a temporary tower and one has to climb a ladder to get up into the tower.
The structure is sturdy. Really sturdy. It was built with every attention to detail, strength, stability and safety.
I am afraid to climb the ladder and go into the tower. It’s not that I don’t have the arm and leg strength for the climb. I’m not so fearful of heights that being in the tower itself scares me. Heck there’s another taller, bigger tower that I go up to on a regular basis. Oh really, I’ve zip lined! I want to go up in a hot air balloon. So this fear really isn’t about the height of the structure.
It’s the darned ladder and my mind throwing back to when I was so heavy that I could have broken one of those ladder rungs. Logically, I know this is not going to happen now. Heavier people than I go up and down that ladder without incident. This fear thing is best summed up as False Evidence Appearing Real. The old reality is lurking in my mind like a child’s “monster in the closet”.
I need to confront my diseased mindset; open the door to the closet, let in the light and expose that the monster isn’t real. In short, I need to go up that ladder into the tower and demonstrate to myself that I am not too fat. I won’t break the rungs. The structure will not crack and crumble under my weight.
It’s a little surprising that I’m experiencing this fear. I think it’s a continuation of me having lost a little confidence in myself because I’ve been sort of stalled and focused on the wrong aspects of my recovery. I’ve let the doubts and fears crowd out the “can do” rekindled spirit of adventure that I’ve been enjoying — the one that led me to do that zip line adventure and the dozens of other activities I’ve explored in the last few years.
It’s time to look the issue in the eye, then face everything and recover.
I won’t have the opportunity to tackle this tomorrow. I’m aiming for Thursday. Wish me luck. I’ll report back for sure!
Weighty Matters 