Day Two is over and I broke my abstinence. Right now I’ve defined my abstinence as eating only what I plan to consume and not giving into food impulses that lead me to compulsively eat.
I was doing okay until after lunch when a co-worker came into my office and told me that the company that designed our new website sent us cupcakes as thanks for continuing our association via a service contract. Since I do a lot with the website, she wanted to make sure I got one before they were all gone.
There was plenty of time and space between my office and the kitchen when I could have stopped myself. I could have smiled and said, “No thank you.” I absolutely did not have to get up from my chair and go into the kitchen, take the cupcakes out of the fridge, grab one and take it back to my office. Right up until the moments when I ate the damn thing I could have said no. But I didn’t.
Sounds pretty damned lame of me, doesn’t it? No, it’s okay for you to agree. It WAS lame. I’m stronger than the cupcake and the urges. That said, there are also way too many times when I just want to have the cupcake and not have it be a major issue.
Can you tell that I sometimes have issues about my issues? I resent my compulsive overeating disease. It pisses me off that I have it with all the accompanying negative emotional stuff and physical impacts that come with it. Part of me wants to go outside right now and scream into the night, “IT WAS ONLY A FREAKING CUPCAKE!!!”
Whew. Okay. Rant over. Now let’s look at the facts. I had a cupcake with icing. It wasn’t the biggest cupcake in the world. I looked at a bunch of different cupcake ratings online which ranged in calorie counts from 150 to 450. I’m going to rate this at a solid 280 calories with 16 grams of carbohydrates and 40 grams of sugar. (I’m pretty sure that I’m over estimating but I’d rather do that than underestimate.)
I logged everything into MyFitnessPal. Even with the cupcake putting me far over the daily sugar grams, I was so good with every other thing that I ate today that I’m still below my carb and fat allotment and good on my total calorie intake for the day. Between riding my bike and Tai Chi class, I also burned about 400 calories. Overall, it could have been a lot worse.
The real damage is to my emotions. I haven’t quite tipped over into sackcloth and ashes over the lapse. Mostly I’m ticked off at myself. In the comments of yesterday’s post, Cathy talked about my desire to be healthy being stronger than the food. I wish I could say that was the case all of the time. It was yesterday. Today, there were a few moments when I ignored the desire to be healthy. It happens. It sucks. I need to put it aside now and move on.
I’m happy that I didn’t let it trash the rest of my effort for the day and night. Hopefully this will help me set myself up for a successful day tomorrow. I will not let a single cupcake derail me permanently. That is all.
Weighty Matters 
Have you read this article? http://www.nytimes.com/2013/09/22/business/the-mental-strain-of-making-do-with-less.html?_r=0
I found that it gave me a lot to think (haha) about. I hate that worrying about what I’m eating can take over my thoughts. So much mental energy wasted on worrying about the treats that someone left in the break room. But I don’t know that I like the alternative (eating whatever and getting bigger and less healthy). Sometimes, I wish that I could just give up, eat whatever I want, and buy some bigger pants.
Don’t give that cupcake so much power over you! It was a momentary lapse, but all you can do is eat better tomorrow.
I agree with what Skye said.
I don’t think eating the cupcake is a negation of what you plan to do to get to your goal. Your goal, as I see it, is to be healthy about eating and not let thoughtless eating dictate your life and your health. It sounds like you made a conscious choice to have the cupcake. That’s very different than eating one just because it was there. And unless eating the treat was detrimental to your health, it was just a choice you made, not a sabotage of your game plan. Sometimes a cupcake is just a cupcake.
I don’t think depriving yourself of an occasional treat is necessary unless having a treat impacts your physical health. I really do think that balance is best for long term success. Unless you have a physical need to avoid a certain food, I would think you would be most successful if you factor in the occasional goody to avoid feeling deprived.
The whole idea of eating to live, not living to eat is to put eating in perspective and balance in the grand scheme of one’s life and it sounds like you’re being very successful in doing that. And I do believe that your desire to be healthy was strong yesterday. You ate one cupcake, not a half a dozen. That was a healthy choice.
Good. Because even though you have all the issues attendant on eating, it was just a cupcake. You tripped on the rug, but you didn’t fall on your face or even sprain your ankle. So even though it hits all those overeating emotional buttons, it was just a cupcake in reality and tomorrow you will do better. Just add an extra day of “abstinence” eating.
You are still stronger than your urges: you chose to eat the cupcake. You didn’t let eating it (and the associated guilt) ruin the rest of your day and you continued on to do healthy things. I’m proud of you for not letting a cupcake derail you.
Go forth and conquer! 🙂