Weighty Matters

I’ve spent most of the day thinking I had nothing to blog about today.  I’ve been going about my business, getting things done but not rushing around.  In between tasks, I’ve taken time to cuddle the dogs or watch competing cooks on a show.  About half an hour ago, I realized that I’m in a nice, even place emotionally.  I’m not upset about the fact that my weight number still hasn’t moved.  I’m not second-guessing myself and wondering if somehow I went off track with my food plan and that’s why I haven’t lost any pounds in over a week.  Somehow, I moved into a place of acceptance and my serenity returned.

Okay, maybe I shouldn’t say “Somehow”.  I actually attribute it to coming here and writing about the stress, the emotional junk, the ups and downs of the journey.  Putting it out here gets it out of my head.  It gives it a place to go so that I don’t carry it around.

There is also the added bonus that posting it to my blog means that wise people like you leave thoughtful comments and lovely support.

My head and heart are balanced today.  I posted in a comment earlier that I did the brisk at-home walking exercise and got all of the way through the one mile that had defeated me earlier this week.  That felt great!  Instead of beating myself up that it was “all” I could do, I’m celebrating that it’s more than I did a few days ago.  I’m looking forward to building on that until I can do the two-mile, then in their time, the three and four mile exercises.  However, by the time I get to three miles, I’ll be back to walking on the 7 Mile Bridge!

In another hour or so I’m going to join some classmates and do Tai Chi on the beach.  I revel in the way my body feels when I do the moves.  I love the way that the deep breaths infuse my cells.

All of this lifts my spirit.

Head, heart, body, spirit. . . Everything’s in great shape today and that sets me up to have another great day tomorrow!

Some cousins of mine are vacationing in the Keys this week and they’re coming over tomorrow for wine and conversation on my porch.   I might have a few sips of wine, but won’t go more than that small portion.  I’ve decided to make two of my favorite-to-make hors d’oeuvre items – mini buffalo chicken meatballs and mini-jalapeno souffles.  I looked at the recipes and realized that both will give me good protein without a lot of carbs or fat.  Plus, they are “small bites” so I can enjoy them with my company, fill my nutritional needs and not stuff myself.  By making and partaking, I won’t feel like I’m depriving myself and not having fun.  Bonus!

Hope you’re all having a great weekend.

Most of us spend much of our lives doing things for our families, friends, jobs, pets.  Often, we put ourselves last, or at least further down the priority list.  Either that or we focus on all the things we need to get done that fall in the category of personal responsibilities.   This weekend, I know that I need to get together information for my taxes.  I need to vacuum, dust, and do laundry.  There are still more boxes in the office that should be sorted so I can clear out even more space.  (Lately I’m thinking that if I clear enough space I could fit an elliptical machine in there for exercise.)

The To-Do list doesn’t go down in size unless I take care of those tasks.    However, I’m a big believer in scheduling “me” time and doing things for myself that I really enjoy.  This self-nurturing and self-care enhances our lives.  Me time restores and rejuvenates us and that is so important!

Today I gave myself to engage in plenty of Me time.  I started the day with Tai Chi class, which I really enjoy.  I had time after to come home, let out the dogs and read the local paper while rocking on the porch and enjoying the pretty sunshine and lovely water.   After that, I went off to have my hair colored and have my eyebrows shaped.  When my hair looks terrific, and it always does once my stylist works her magic, I feel the boost to my energy.  I like the silky swing of it and the soft texture when I finger comb the strands.  It makes me smile.

Honestly, spa and salon activities are a preferred source of Me time.  In addition to my hair appointments,  I get a manicure every other week, a pedicure once a month, and also go for a facial about every six weeks.    The pedicure chairs at the salon also massage you while the nail tech works on your feet.

I love the pampering. Even above and beyond the facts that these activities make my hands and feet look and feel terrific, and the facials help me keep my skin healthier, the fact that I’m being worked on in positive ways that feel great in the process enhances my overall spirit.  If my cells and muscles could sigh with happiness, you’d hear them and smile.

After I got home from the hair appointment today, I could have broken out the vacuum cleaner or the duster.  Instead, I picked up the book I’m reading and went out on the porch again with the pups.  Two neighbors were sitting out next door by the water and I joined them for a nice chat.  After an hour or so, I came in, read some more and even took a brief nap.  Total relaxation was the order of the day and I know I’ve responded quite favorably.

Tonight I’m continuing to chill at home.  I might go to a late movie in town . . . or I might extend my relaxation and also go to bed early.  Whatever seems the most appealing is the activity I’ll choose.  After all, today is all about me!

How do you give yourself me time?  Do you treat yourself regularly or are you overdue?

I was always a volume eater.  More food was always better, even though it was never really enough to satisfy whatever hole I needed to fill.  The thing is that I was usually careful not to eat a lot in front of people.  At an early age I learned to be a sneak eater.  I could open the bread drawer in the kitchen, remove and eat something and never tip off the family members sitting in the next room.  At the table I might practice good portion control, but out of sight of others, there was little limit to what I would eat.

Obviously I didn’t have to worry about other people seeing me once I lived on my own.  I remember times several years ago when I would go to a drive-through fast food restaurant and order two sodas so the people would think I was ordering for more than one person.  While on the telephone with a pizza restaurant, I’d even pretend to be consulting someone else in my house on the order, saying away from the phone, “Hey, do you want (fill in the blank) too?  Ok.”  I remember well the shame I felt over these behaviors.  I was positive that I was the only person in the entire world that resorted to them when obtaining the excessive amount of food I craved.  When I think of those days and the long list of food that I could consume during a major binge, I’m appalled and amazed.

Shortly after joining OA in the early 90s, I read a book written by another compulsive overeater in recovery.  She shared that she’d done the same things!  I wasn’t terminally unique at all.  That was a freeing moment and a great help to me while I struggled with all of the emotions and turmoil boiling up at the time.  I was maintaining abstinence from the behavior of compulsive overeating.  Without the food to anesthetize my emotions, they boiled up a lot.  🙂  Working toward freeing myself the shame, accepting that compulsive overeating and binge eating are disorders and that I wasn’t just a greedy pig with no self-control (Yes, that’s how I thought of myself.) really helped me deal with the negative feelings and lousy self-esteem.

Over time, I learned to resolve the self-abuse I inflicted in the names I called myself and foster greater self-respect.  My emotional recovery progressed.  I had some good long periods of abstinence from the actual food behaviors, too.  Unfortunately, however, I never quite conquered them enough to successfully banish them from my realm.  There have been many times when I had no emotional turmoil or crises or drama and stress and yet still binged.

Flash forward to recent years and where I am right now.  For the last ten years I’ve had a great life with a job that I love and that I’m damn good at.  My confidence in my abilities, my respect for myself as a person worthy of love and care is healthy and strong.  Emotionally I’m in a great space.  But I was still super obese and could not seem to put together a consistent effort long enough to lose weight.  So, after considering all options I chose weight loss surgery.

Now, consuming great volumes of food is not possible.  That behavior crutch was removed along with 70% of my stomach capacity.  Quantity is out, quality is in.  It’s a huge shift.  I wondered if I would feel deprived and resentful over no longer being able to eat what I wanted, when and in whatever amount I craved.  So far I don’t.  I’m more focused on appreciating every bite of what I can consume.

For those of you who have not experienced weight loss surgery, I thought you might be interested in knowing what a typical day of food is like for me right now.  Remember that I’m still on pureed and soft foods.  This will change as time goes on and I’m able to gradually add in solids.  Here are my menus for the last couple of days.

Yesterday:  Breakfast – 1 1/2 servings of Solgar whey protein powder in 10 ounces of skim milk; Mid-morning snack:  Reduced fat cheddar cheese stick; Lunch: 5.3 oz nonfat Greek yogurt with strawberry; Afternoon snack; two slices of thin sliced deli turkey; Dinner: 3/4 cup of Hearty Barley Vegetable soup; After Tai Chi snack: 1 1/2 TBLs soft brie cheese on low fat crackers.  Sugar free popsicle.

With the exception of the popsicle, every thing on that food list was chosen for the protein count and the flavor.   I savored the tang and sweet of the yogurt, the saltiness of the turkey, the rich flavor and colors in the soup, the creaminess of the brie.

Face it — that’s not a lot of food so what I do eat every day damn well better taste great to me.  It still amazes me that I eat so little.  I don’t experience much physical hunger, although sometimes my head still tries to trick me into thinking I want more or different than I should eat.

For the first time in my life, I don’t have a bottomless well that I’m trying unsuccessfully to fill.  I have everything I need.  I’ve traded a life obsessed with quantity for one where I can appreciate the quality and be completely satisfied.