Weighty Matters

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Jul 27

On Productivity

by Mary Stella

Whew, another active day but as I sit here, I am still coherent, so it’s a good time to blog.  Here’s what I accomplished on this fine Saturday, the first day of my weekend off.  I went to my 9 a.m. Tai Chi class for an hour, and then zipped over to Zumba Gold class.  Faster pace, for sure, for the next hour.  I don’t usually double up my exercise like that but I didn’t get to Zumba on Tuesday and I really want to get at least one class in each week.

After Zumba, I went over to the animal shelter.  I’m on the Board and am also a volunteer.  We’ve been working with a mastiff that has anxiety and stress issues.  He’s really a sweet dog, but because of his size he can be intimidating if he gets all jumpy, and if he growls or barks when he’s anxious, so the more positive interaction he gets, the better.  I actually worked with him a little on his leash manners too, enough that I felt confident that I could handle him on a short walk.  He did great.  I’m so proud of him.

After that I hit the supermarket, then came home and did some clearing out/clean up work in my shed.  I had some squares of pebble tile left over from my pool and bathroom that I offered to a friend, so that clearing out involved lifting.  Good work.  I followed that up with some time in the pool, mostly cleaning said tile.  Whew!

I did find some time to relax and read, which was great.  I also made boating plans with friends for tomorrow.  If all goes as planned, I’ll get to share about experiencing something else from my Promise List!

After dinner I remembered that I hadn’t walked the dogs today!  Even though they had plenty of yard time, running in and out with me as I did my tasks, there’s something about a good walk.  So, we set out for about 20 to 30 minutes.

This, my friends, was a physically active and productive day.  It’s all made possible by weight loss.

The weight loss has also helped my non-physical productivity.  While I’ve always been pretty efficient and also able to accomplish a lot of work, I’d noticed in the last few years before my surgery that my brain was draining sooner than I was accustomed.  I also found that around 3:00 or 3:30 p.m. I really wanted to nod off at my desk.  I believe now that the mid-afternoon snooze-desire was probably mostly due to the sleep hypopnea at night where I wasn’t getting the quality of sleep I needed in my 7 hours each night.  I have also come to believe that the sheer physical energy I expended just in walking or going up the stairs to my office or, hell, just moving at all in my large body wore me out.  No wonder I was tired mid-day!  No wonder  I often dozed off after dinner for a ten or twenty minute nap at home.

These days at work, I habitually have a sizeable to-do list.  I probably always had a sizeable list, but I seem to have made it even more sizeable.  It’s like the more that I get done, the more I think of to do, and the more I want to take on.  I don’t need to doze mid-afternoon.  I have more energy physically and mentally.  Being healthier has enabled me to raise the bar for myself.  I am now even more productive.

I truly love my job and believe in our mission.  My work contributes to our success and I want to do whatever I can.  So, this extra productivity also feeds my spirit.  This is definitely a terrific bonus to the weight loss.

General Musings NSVs

4 Comments »
Jul 26

The Sleepy Blogger

by Mary Stella

I honestly didn’t realize that I haven’t blogged since Tuesday.  I know I’ve had a busy week but, yeesh.  That’s bad.  The good news is that I’m really good.  The bad news is that I’m so sleepy that the topic I thought of earlier today has already floated out of my head.   In concentrating, I think it was something to do with being more productive since I lost weight.  How’s that for a contrast?

Yes, I’d like to blog about being more productive, but right now I’m too tired to be productive, let alone blog about it.  *snortle*  That feels ridiculous to me, too.

Please forgive me, but if I try to do the blog tonight, at some point it will devolve into gibberish and I’ll end up with poiuytrewq on my forehead.

Hope you’ve all had a terrific week and that you have fun plans for the weekend.

I promise to blog on productivity tomorrow or Sunday.  Cross my heart!

In the meantime, if you’re so inclined, talk amongst yourselves. 🙂

 

Uncategorized

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Jul 23

The Power of No

by Mary Stella

I don’t have any brilliant, in depth observations tonight.  Ha!  That makes it sound like I think I have brilliant, in depth observations on other nights.  Observations, maybe, but I don’t know where they’d rank on the brilliance scale.

Tonight, I just want to share about a little game I played earlier this evening.  I ran up to KMart earlier to see if they had embroidery hoops.  I should have known better, but I remember to pick up a couple of other things that I need.

Anyway, in order to get to the sewing section, I had to walk through the aisles of food.  Food packaging is oh so colorful and eye catching — particularly those bright bags of M&Ms, cookies, and other sweets.   Tonight I was on a mission to find a hoop, so I wasn’t ambling up and down in browsing mode.  I walked with purpose at a decent pace.  For some reason while I walked past the shelves of food, I started chanting in my head.  “No, no, no, no” in time with my steps.

When I realized what I was doing, I laughed and made a game of it, putting particular emphasis on the “No” when I spied a particular favorite.  Left, right.  Left right.  “No, no, no, hell no, no, no, no.”

If I’d done this out loud, people would have thought me nuts.  I would have called me nuts.  Since I was the only one who knew, I actually had fun with it.  No matter how silly it might seem, the “No” refrain worked.  After all, I didn’t buy any of that food, did I?

My takeaway lesson from this is that the technique can be serious or silly, but if it works, that’s all that matters.  Tonight, it was all about the power of No.

General Musings

4 Comments »
Jul 21

Acknowledging the New Me

by Mary Stella

I wonder how long it will be before I never think of myself as an obese woman but automatically remember that I’m much thinner and healthier now.  It’s odd how I sometimes need to reset my thoughts.  Things pop up out of the blue.  Like today, for example.  I was getting ready to take the boat out for a ride.  It’s hard to describe but I keep it on a lift on the sea wall.  I lower the boat enough to sit on the side, swing my legs in and stand up.  Then I put it down the rest of the way.

Today I’d lowered it almost all of the rest of the way when I saw that I’d forgotten my water bottle.  My first thought was, “Damn.  Have to raise the boat.”  Two years ago, that’s what I would have done.  Today,  I looked at the gunwale, remembered that my body is thinner and stronger, that my knees are steadier, and that my balance is greatly improved.  All I had to do was step up on to the gunwale,  hold onto the metal of the console for extra safety and then step down onto the lift platform.   It really was that easy.

I was incredibly overweight for so long, that it’s not natural yet for me to remember that I’m different.  Sometimes I still hesitate before sitting in a resin chair.  I hold my breath at turnstiles.   I do a lot of mentally measuring spaces with my eyes before I walk through.   I suck in my breath and turn my back to the wall if someone wants to pass me in the hall, even if it’s a wide hall.  Old, formerly necessary, habits, die hard.

These and other “size compensation” behaviors could stress me out like they used to, but I’m trying to remember to follow up the old thoughts with new, improved ones.  Even if all I do is catch myself and remember, “Nope.  Don’t have to do that anymore” or tell myself to go ahead and sit in that resin chair because it’s not going to break beneath me, it turns the experience more positive.

When I do something and it’s easier in my new body, or I engage in an activity that demonstrates my improved agility and balance, I do my best to mark the moment in my head.  I believe the acknowledgement is important.  I need to recognize these experiences, both minor and major.  Each of those experiences becomes a brick in a better, stronger foundation.

I’m pretty sure that, as time goes on, I’ll see the flashback reaction to the old obese body less often.  I don’t know if eventually I won’t think that way at all, and maybe I shouldn’t want it to.  Maybe it’s good for me to remember how uncomfortable, awkward, limiting, and often painful that body was and how often it prevented me from participating fully in activities I wanted to do.  Then I can remember how I’m not limited in the same way today.  That is another way to acknowledge the new me.

 

 

 

Body Matters NSVs

3 Comments »
Jul 19

When Less is Plenty

by Mary Stella

Even after a year and a half, I’m still amazed that much smaller portions are more than enough.  In the world of an active compulsive overeater or binge eater, there is never enough food.  We want to eateateat, then eat some more.  If we aren’t eating, we’re thinking about what we ate or, more often, thinking about what we will eat next.  It can get obsessive.  Let me tell you, the constant food thoughts are exhausting.

I’ve had a really great two weeks with my food and exercise.  For this I was rewarded by good, steady weight loss after the long stall.  Today, even though I’d brought my lunch to work, around 11 o’clock I developed a true desire to eat something different than the 0% fat blueberry Greek yogurt.  I got a deep craving for a really good cheeseburger.  Fortunately, my boss and a friend were also in the mood to walk to the restaurant next door.  Bonus, my boss was willing to plate share.

The burgers are big at this restaurant.  We know that from long experience.  They also add a healthy serving of good fries.  In the past, I easily plowed my way through the entire basket of food.  These days, even if I could manage to force all of it in my stomach, it wouldn’t stay down long.  Honestly, I have no desire to eat that much food any more.

When the basket was served, my boss told me to go ahead and cut in, and then remove whatever portion I wanted.  I cut off a third of the cheeseburger patty, leaving behind the bun.  Four or five French fries were more than enough.  I also claimed the pickle spear and left her the tomato slice.

This meal amounted to the smallest fraction of what I used to eat before, but it was the right portion for me.  The three of us had a fun time chatting while we ate.  When we were finished, I was absolutely satisfied and didn’t crave one more bite.  Less was definitely plenty.

What a great, welcome change.  It’s good to remember that I can go out, enjoy delicious food while socializing, and not have to gorge myself in order to be happy.

 

General Musings The Past is the Past

6 Comments »
Jul 18

The Skinny on Skin

by Mary Stella

Before I launch into the post, I wanted to say that I’ve tried to reply to the comments Skye and Anonymous left on the last post Terminology.  WordPress has not cooperated.   So, Anonymous, thank you for the different perspective on use of the word “thick” and that it might not be meant in a derogatory fashion.  Skye, it’s good for us all to remember that thin people can be picked on or insulted too with different terminology.  Thank you!

So, this could be a TMI type of post.  My skin sag is really noticeable in some parts of my body — upper arms and my thighs to be exact.  Sure, I see it in my stomach region, but most of the time I can cover up that area.   I’m sure my butt cheeks are probably sagging, too, but that problem is behind me.  😉  Out of sight, out of mind, you know?

Living here in the land of warmth, 10 1/2 months of the year I wear shorts and capri length pants.  I purposely stay away from short shorts so, thankfully, I’m probably the person most aware of the epidermal bagginess.  My arms are more difficult to conceal, particularly in Ladies tops.  I’m okay in a unisex T-shirt but I’ve discovered that the sleeves of Ladies garments are definitely shorter.  I’ve started to look for things with 3/4 length sleeves to cover the problem.

I don’t even know if other people truly notice.  It’s enough that I now do.  Without stressing myself out too much, I am always aware of the areas and want to camouflage them.  Don’t get me wrong.  I’m not complaining, or at least not much.  All in all, saggy skin because of tremendous weight loss is a great problem to endure.

I know eventually I will have reconstructive surgery.  This always brings up sort of a macabre thought of the serial killer in Silence of the Lambs who wants to harvest skin from size 14 young women so he can make himself a skin suit.   Anybody who wants my excess can have it — providing, of course, that they don’t try to slice it off of me themselves but leave it up to a skilled surgeon in a sterile operating room while I’m under anesthesia.

Sooner or later I’m going to research the actual procedure or procedures.   Think anybody’s put one up on YouTube yet?  Come to think of it, I only want to know the results and not the cut by stitch, cut by stitch  process to tighten and remove the sagging bags.  I’ve heard that I can donate the skin to help burn victims.  Need to check out whether that’s true.  I’d do it in a heartbeat.  After all, i don’t need it anymore, so if it can aid someone else, so much the better.

What I really want to know is how soon I can undergo the operation(s).   I’ve heard that I need to wait for a full year after I reach goal weight.  (Okay, at this point I honestly do need to indulge in a slight whine.  A whole year?)  I read somewhere else that a surgeon won’t do it until I’ve been at goal weight at least three months.  That’s a little less whine-inducing timeline.)

I get why I’ll have to wait for at least some number of months.  I’m sure that medical staff will want me to demonstrate that I can keep off the weight that I’ve lost or at least give me some time to stabilize in maintenance.  I suppose the best thing for me to do is not obsess over it at this point but accept that I won’t hit goal weight one day and be able to schedule surgery for the next.

Unfortunately, I also don’t think that all of the problems will be address in a single procedure.  That sort of stinks.  Despite the possible elevated pain, I’d rather do as much as possible under one anesthesia experience.

Okay, I am beginning to obsess.  This isn’t good.  Instead, I’m going to do some constructive thinking and planning.  I’ll seek out reliable information.  I have a follow up with my surgeon in a couple of weeks, I’ll just ask.  If it truly is a year’s wait, then I’ll rely on the Serenity Prayer to accept what I can’t change.  That’s much more sensible than creating upset and drama, right?

 

 

 

Body Matters

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Jul 15

Terminology

by Mary Stella

I’m a little fixated on terminology.  A few posts ago, I got hung up on the word “normal”.  A couple of days ago, I read an article where someone, I can’t remember who at the moment, referred to a woman who isn’t pencil-thin as “thick”.

Soooo, is that some new, 2013 term for women?  If so, oh hell, even if it isn’t and it was a one-time thing, it sucks.  Thick?  Really?

For the record, it is only ever acceptable to use thick to describe one part of me — my hair.  Not my thighs.  Not my waist.  Not either cheek of my ass.

It used to be if you referred to someone as “thick”, you meant “thick-headed” as in stupid and stubborn.  If I say I’m being thick today, it means that my brain is not firing all synapses and I feel mentally cloudy — like a thick fog has seeped into my mind.

My reaction with the word thick in relation to body shape or weight tells me there’s more going on here.  Maybe it comes from a childhood of being called unflattering and downright cruel things because I was overweight.   Tubbo, lard, Crisco, fatso.  None of them bring about the warm fuzzies.  I think I mentioned before that a classmate in high school used to yell out, “Thar she blows” whenever he saw me on campus, even if I was yards away.  I think he might have particularly enjoyed it when I was yards away, probably because he got to yell it louder to call more peoples’ attention to his oh-so-witty name-calling.

I won’t get into why some people think it’s okay to insult people because of their body size.  Maybe those people don’t spend much time pondering whether anything they do is okay.  Perhaps they just don’t care.

Right now, I’m trying to think of complimentary words to describe women who might not wear a single digit dress size.

No, I don’t have anything against women who wear sizes 0, 2, 4, 6 or 8, although I reserve the right to wonder how there can be a size 0.  Doesn’t the zero sort of negate the reality of there being a size?  But I digress.

Back to the terminology?  No matter what I eventually weigh, I’m always going to be curvy.  Curvy doesn’t offend me.  Neither does voluptuous.  My mother introduced me to the word zaftig, which can be defined as full-bodied, well-proportioned, shapely, alluring plump/curvaceous/buxom.  I like zaftig.  It’s sort of exotic.

It’s also so much better than thick.

Do you have any words that buzz you — either positively or negatively?  How would you like to be described?  How would you describe yourself?

 

Body Matters

3 Comments »
Jul 14

Unexpected Realizations

by Mary Stella

I enjoyed Tai Chi Awareness Day today.  Even though we only focused on the first 17 moves, I learned from the practice.  I also enjoyed the camaraderie of the group where five from our location joined up with a dozen or so from the Upper Keys and eight folks who came to learn something about Tai Chi itself.

I rode up and back with two friends.  On the way home, one asked me about my surgery.  I honestly don’t mind talking about it if someone wants to know.  If anything I might be prone to be too detailed but I think the motivation is to be as open and informative as possible.

This friend has a long time friend who is super obese.  In the course of the conversation, I shared about my breaking point.  I remember that I’d all but given up on myself, positive that I’d be dead or disabled by the time I reached 60.  For those who don’t remember my writing about this before (and I have no idea in which of the previous 386 posts I shared it), I got smacked upside the head with an epiphany in the summer of 2011 when I couldn’t haul myself out of the water up the ladder of my boat.  Right then and there, I knew I didn’t want to give up and became willing to go to any lengths to regain my health.  Knowing myself as well as I did/do, I also knew that I couldn’t sustain a regular diet long enough to lose more than 200 pounds.  So, I resolved to investigate weight loss surgery.

I had resisted taking that move for years.   People who love me had suggested it.  I certainly was aware that the procedures were available.  The truth is that I could have had surgery years ago.  But I didn’t.  The obvious question is why not?

There are a number of excuses but no truly solid reasons.   The overall culprits were fear and fear.  Oh, and fear.

Yes, I said it three times because there wasn’t just one thing about having weight lost surgery that scared me.  Yes, I was afraid of the surgery itself, but I think I was more afraid of the surgery taking away my security blanket.  My eating disorder included the insidious feeling that I needed overeating in order to function.  It’s like the food protected me and I wasn’t at all sure that I was brave enough to live life without it.

Looking back, I have so much more clarity.  It’s difficult to sort out feelings and emotions about the drug of choice when one is operating in the middle of the disease.  I clutched onto the old overeating habits, giving food so much focused, that I completely ignored all of the positive evidence that would have showed me that I no longer needed the crutch.

****** Some great realizations are coming up for me, right in the middle of the writing, as I process through this.  The post is definitely going somewhere I didn’t expect but it’s really helpful.******

Here I sit, looking back, and knowing that I don’t need to overeat.  Big amounts of food do not make me happy or make me effective at my job.  Huge portions don’t help me cope with issues or make my heart smile for no reason.  Eating unhealthy foods don’t make me feel great physically or emotionally.  Overeating does not contribute to a successful life in any way — unless my goal was to actually make me unhealthy and unhappy, in which case, I beat the band on that one.

I have an excellent life.  I didn’t get it because of eating, in fact, I’m lucky that my overeating disease didn’t totally trash it.

Life would have been a lot better if I’d figured this out beforehand.  Sadly, I don’t know if I’d have “gotten it” before.  I sure wouldn’t have believed it just because someone else told me it could be this way.

Now having had these realizations tonight, I need to figure out how to use them.  When I’m faced with a compulsive urge to eat something not on my plan, or am tempted to take an extra portion, I have discussions, sometimes arguments with myself in which I tell myself over and over, “No, I don’t want that.  It isn’t on my plan.  I can’t eat that.”  I wonder if I can learn to say, “No, I don’t need that” instead.

I don’t need to overeat anymore.  I haven’t for a very long time, I just didn’t realize it.  This alone is a major advancement.  It’s going to take me awhile to get used to thinking and feeling this way.

General Musings

3 Comments »
Jul 13

A “Me” Kind of Saturday

by Mary Stella

Our branch is holding a Tai Chi Awareness Day tomorrow so I’ll be doing Tai Chi moves off and on for three hours.  Since I had a board meeting Tuesday night that prevented me from going to Zumba class and then did a Tai Chi class on Wednesday evening, I decided to skip class today and do Zumba.   Did you follow all that?  🙂

Prior to Zumba, I did some Tai Chi moves at home and then went full out for the hour with our dance moves.  According to My Fitness Pal, I burn more than 900 calories in an hour of Zumba.  That’s a hell of a lot, but it feels great.  My crunches are getting better too and, goodness knows, we do a lot of them in this class.  This particular instructor is Brazilian.  I have never seen someone able to move their abs and hips with such speed and flexibility.   She’s amazing.

After class I did a few errands and then came home to clean the pool.  Surprisingly, this involves some extra upper body work.  Later on in the afternoon, I took the dogs for a nice walk.

Is it any wonder that I’m physically tired tonight?  But, to borrow from James Brown, “I feel good!  Huh!”

I’ve had a great week program-wise.  Good adherence to my food plan.  Good attention to exercise.  Good weight loss.   I plan to build on this week by following it up with another great week, and another one after that and so on.  I feel like I was slogging along at a lower speed but this week shifted into a higher gear.   I’m really focused on reaching my goal, sooner rather than later.  Every good day put me one step closer.

The wind blew up today so I couldn’t get out on the boat.  Instead, after I cleaned up from the pool, I hopped in the car, dropped the top and headed for Key West to do a little shopping.  I only intended to hit the arts/crafts/fabric store but figured as long as I was down there, I should at least stop into one of the clothing/house stuff stores.

I’ve never shopped at this particular store before, but it might become one of my new best friends.  Decent quality clothes at really great sale prices.  Since I plan to lose 60 more pounds in the next five to six months, I’m going to start shedding garments at a more rapid pace again.  Being able to get a pair of shorts for 9.99 is a bargain.  Finding the casual dresses that are great for the Keys and not paying more than $16.99 a dress is amazing.  I selected an armful of garments, tried them on and was on my way to the register when my eyes beamed in on another dress in a size 16.  Not a 16/18 – just a 16.  It’s a Calvin Klein with contemporary, fake-wrap styling in turquoise, purple and black – one of my favorite combinations.  It was so reasonable and so eye-catching that I didn’t even bother trying it on.  I figured if it didn’t fit me now, it would in another month.  I couldn’t resist.

I got it home and it fits.  It’s a little clingy and really will look better in another month, but if push came to shove and I put on a Spanx slip underneath it, I could totally pull it off right now.  Booyah!

I need to be careful about things like sleeves right now.  As toned as I’ve gotten my biceps, there’s serious sag going on beneath my arms.  No amount of working out is going to get rid of that, unfortunately.  It will have to wait until surgery.  Another reason I like this dress is that it has 3/4 sleeves.  The other dresses were all sleeveless, but light knit shrugs help camouflage the arm swing.  Thank goodness for alternatives.

All in all, it’s been a good “Me” day, focusing on my needs, wants and enjoyments.   I think it’s important for each of us to have these kinds of days.  We spend a lot of time putting our energy into other things, responsibilities, and people.  Putting as much time into ourselves helps us accomplish good healthy things.   I don’t consider it selfish as much as I feel that it’s necessary.

I might not get a chance to do it again for awhile, so I’m going to enjoy the few remaining hours in the day and keep it going.

General Musings

2 Comments »
Jul 11

On Being Normal

by Mary Stella

As I was mindlessly playing Bejeweled Blitz a few minutes ago, I realized that I was procrastinating on writing this post.  I’ve had something bugging around in my brain and I wasn’t sure what to think about it or how to put it into words.  I was going to log offline, shut down the computer and go to bed, but I had a sneaking suspicion that the thoughts would follow me and make it more difficult for me to sleep.  I decided to come here and just write, trusting that the words and ideas would come if I opened up the door.

In OA. in group we used to regularly talk about use of the word normal, how because of our size we frequently felt abnormal.  Let’s face it.  To many others in the world, we who are overweight aren’t normal — not in their eyes.  Much of society has images in their minds and we don’t fit that image.  To temper the negativity associated with the term, some of us often used the phrase that, “Normal is just a setting on the washing machine” to kind of temper the negativity.

It’s hard not to feel like a freak when you’re more than 200 pounds overweight.  I imagine it’s difficult to not feel somewhat freakish no matter who much overweight you might be, so trust me I’m not discounting someone else’s experience.  Right now I can only relate from my own reality.   It really sucked, to be honest.  That constant feeling of being and looking so different; of standing out in a crowd for a wrong reason.   Knowing or anticipating how others viewed us made issues of self-acceptance that much more challenging.  I yearned to be considered “normal”.

I don’t know what it means to have a “normal” body.  God knows there are conflicting ideas of that in our world.  You can’t trust magazines where images of beautiful, already slender models and other celebrities are airbrushed away from reality.

I avoid using the word normal whenever possible.  I speak of my goal in that term.  I don’t want to be a “normal” weight.  Honestly, I have no idea what that means.  I want to be a healthy weight.  That I understand and it’s all I really care about.

Although I am still overweight, I’m not super obese.  I’m closer to what many people would describe as “normal” body size.  Here’s where my own insights need to be strong because, bottom lining it, I don’t need to focus on the perceptions of others.   It only matters how I feel about myself, my body, my appearance.

I feel so much better about myself at this weight.  Even though I still have a good chunk to lose, I don’t feel like a freak any more.  Physically and emotionally, I’m all around healthier.   That matters more to me than fitting some preconceived notion – either my own or that of others – about being “normal”.

Body Matters

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