I enjoyed Tai Chi Awareness Day today. Even though we only focused on the first 17 moves, I learned from the practice. I also enjoyed the camaraderie of the group where five from our location joined up with a dozen or so from the Upper Keys and eight folks who came to learn something about Tai Chi itself.
I rode up and back with two friends. On the way home, one asked me about my surgery. I honestly don’t mind talking about it if someone wants to know. If anything I might be prone to be too detailed but I think the motivation is to be as open and informative as possible.
This friend has a long time friend who is super obese. In the course of the conversation, I shared about my breaking point. I remember that I’d all but given up on myself, positive that I’d be dead or disabled by the time I reached 60. For those who don’t remember my writing about this before (and I have no idea in which of the previous 386 posts I shared it), I got smacked upside the head with an epiphany in the summer of 2011 when I couldn’t haul myself out of the water up the ladder of my boat. Right then and there, I knew I didn’t want to give up and became willing to go to any lengths to regain my health. Knowing myself as well as I did/do, I also knew that I couldn’t sustain a regular diet long enough to lose more than 200 pounds. So, I resolved to investigate weight loss surgery.
I had resisted taking that move for years. People who love me had suggested it. I certainly was aware that the procedures were available. The truth is that I could have had surgery years ago. But I didn’t. The obvious question is why not?
There are a number of excuses but no truly solid reasons. The overall culprits were fear and fear. Oh, and fear.
Yes, I said it three times because there wasn’t just one thing about having weight lost surgery that scared me. Yes, I was afraid of the surgery itself, but I think I was more afraid of the surgery taking away my security blanket. My eating disorder included the insidious feeling that I needed overeating in order to function. It’s like the food protected me and I wasn’t at all sure that I was brave enough to live life without it.
Looking back, I have so much more clarity. It’s difficult to sort out feelings and emotions about the drug of choice when one is operating in the middle of the disease. I clutched onto the old overeating habits, giving food so much focused, that I completely ignored all of the positive evidence that would have showed me that I no longer needed the crutch.
****** Some great realizations are coming up for me, right in the middle of the writing, as I process through this. The post is definitely going somewhere I didn’t expect but it’s really helpful.******
Here I sit, looking back, and knowing that I don’t need to overeat. Big amounts of food do not make me happy or make me effective at my job. Huge portions don’t help me cope with issues or make my heart smile for no reason. Eating unhealthy foods don’t make me feel great physically or emotionally. Overeating does not contribute to a successful life in any way — unless my goal was to actually make me unhealthy and unhappy, in which case, I beat the band on that one.
I have an excellent life. I didn’t get it because of eating, in fact, I’m lucky that my overeating disease didn’t totally trash it.
Life would have been a lot better if I’d figured this out beforehand. Sadly, I don’t know if I’d have “gotten it” before. I sure wouldn’t have believed it just because someone else told me it could be this way.
Now having had these realizations tonight, I need to figure out how to use them. When I’m faced with a compulsive urge to eat something not on my plan, or am tempted to take an extra portion, I have discussions, sometimes arguments with myself in which I tell myself over and over, “No, I don’t want that. It isn’t on my plan. I can’t eat that.” I wonder if I can learn to say, “No, I don’t need that” instead.
I don’t need to overeat anymore. I haven’t for a very long time, I just didn’t realize it. This alone is a major advancement. It’s going to take me awhile to get used to thinking and feeling this way.
Weighty Matters 
Epiphany
wow! awesome!
YAY! What wonderful realizations! And really, it’s all about “I don’t need to overeat anymore.” That simply takes my breath away! That’s really beautiful. How truly wonderful for you!