Weighty Matters

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Processing Alternatives

A younger co-worker/friend of mine doesn’t have a car at the moment. Since she more or less lives on my way to or from work, I try to give her a ride as often as possible. We have great conversations during the drive. She follows a vegan food plan, often eats raw and seeks out foods that undergo the least amount of processing. I’m learning a lot from her.

No, I’m not giving up meat. I am way too much of a carnivore. My love of prime rib and lamb chops aside, as you know I am trying to eat healthy and make better choices as much as possible.

I regularly eat Greek yogurt. Usually, I buy the single serving containers of 0% fat yogurt with fruit. These are a good portion size for me at lunch and they’re easier to transport. However, I read a few articles recently that pointed out again that those fruited yogurts have more sugar. The articles recommended buying 0% yogurt and mixing in fresh fruit. I told B that I was doing that and she applauded, then she told me something really interesting that I hadn’t considered. She said that if I’m buying the fat free vanilla flavored yogurt, I’m still getting a more processed version with more sugar than I need. “You know, Mary, you can always buy the plain yogurt and add your own vanilla extract.”

Color me with my jaw dropped. I never considered that alternative. Doesn’t it sound sensible, easy and obvious? I still have some vanilla yogurt to finish up, but when it’s gone, I’m going to try her suggestion. Plain, 0% yogurt with vanilla extract and fresh fruit added should equal a perfect snack or light meal. If I find I need a little extra touch of sweetness, I am also trying some natural sweeteners that aren’t a colorful packet of chemicals.

Last weekend did I mention how I experimented with making a lower fat but still tasty bleu cheese salad dressing? Greek non-fat yogurt mixed with reduced-fat mayo, Worcestershire sauce, salt, pepper and, of course, bleu cheese. I even used reduced fat cheese. I was delighted with the delicious results.

I’ve long heard the suggestion that when cutting calories, read the labels on products and don’t use anything where sugar is higher than 6th place on the list of ingredients. I’ve noticed that sugar ranks near the top on a lot of products that say they’re “light” or fat free.

Next week I’m invited to dinner with a group of friends. One couple is cooking the main dish and dessert. I offered to bring salad. I’m planning a little mobile salad bar so that people can mix in whatever ingredients they’d like to add. I thought I’d start with a base of mixed greens and then offer the bleu cheese dressing. Since not everyone likes bleu cheese, I also have a delicious creamy Caesar recipe. I can also pack regular olive oil and balsamic vinegar.

The creamy Caesar has a mayonnaise base. Now, I could go with the reduced fat mayo again, but there’s more of it in this recipe than in the bleu. I’ve decided that I’m going to try to take this one step further. I’m going to attempt to make my own mayo. It will be a garlic aioli, to be exact. I’ve read several recipes and, frankly, this doesn’t look like a big challenge. I even found one that uses mostly olive oil which is a “better fat” oil. If I can produce an aioli that tastes good enough, then I can easily incorporate it into the Caesar dressing.

I’ve been trying to eat more vegetables each day, including a salad at either lunch or breakfast. I brought a salad for lunch every day this past week and I was very careful to measure out the amount of dressing that I brought with me, specifically so I wouldn’t negate the positive effort with an overload of dressing calories.

Peanut butter is one of my favorite foods. I like it as a snack and it’s a good protein source for me, particularly when I just need a snack to get me going before a bike ride, etc. The thing with peanut butter is that most of it is loaded with sugar and many brands also have big amounts of palm oil included.

Palm oil and palm kernel oil are present in countless upon countless products — from foodstuffs to cosmetics. It is increasingly more difficult to find products that don’t contain it in their list of ingredients. What is my objection to this oil? It’s so popular that it is a huge cash crop. The establishing of palm plantations to produce this oil is the major cause of deforestation of rainforest habitat in Indonesia and Malaysia. In turn, this impacts endangered species including the Asian elephant, tiger, Sumatran rhino and the Sumatran orangutan. I’m not going to turn this post into a giant soap box. However, even thought I’m only one person, if I can reduce my consumption of palm oil then I help reduce demand and maybe that, in some tiny way, helps those species. (Particularly if a lot of individual people do the same thing.)

Anyway, I’m delighted that I can easily find a reasonably priced organic peanut butter that not only doesn’t contain palm oil, but it doesn’t have any added sugar either. In fact, its only ingredient is peanuts! I shared that with B and she again applauded. Smart young woman that she is she also pointed out that, since I own a food processor, I could actually grind up peanuts and make my own peanut butter if I want. I don’t know if I’m ready to try that yet, but it could be on my horizon. In the meantime, I’m pleased with the alternative I’m buying.

In my quest to cut back on sugars contained in pre-mixed products and finding alternatives to some of the processed foods I would normally consume, I know that bottled salad dressings are one category of foodstuffs that I can replace with homemade concoctions. It is within my reach to make things that are big on flavor but lower in sugar and non-healthy oils/fats.

Since I know it’s possible, it only makes sense to try, don’t you think?

Are there any more natural, healthier, less-processed foods that you’ve tried and like?

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Life Reboot

A brilliant friend of mine did a continuing ed course for us at work yesterday. In it she told the story of what she does if something about her computer doesn’t work. Whether it’s a software, hardware, internet connection problem or whatever, the first thing she does is reboot her system. Have you tried that? It’s amazing how often it works.

That happens with my smart phone, too. Things slow down, response crawls. An app stalls. I turn off the phone completely for a minute, turn it back on and the problem frequently resolves.

So, the thought of rebooting has been on my mind.

Also on my mind was a dream I experienced last night. Someone I know in town with whom I’ve previously had a conversation about weight loss surgery appeared in my dream as a contestant on the Biggest Loser. I ran into him at a local restaurant with two of the trainers from the show and he told them about my surgery and progress. They invited me to sit down and we chatted some more. They asked me if I could give one piece of advice for anybody losing weight, what would it be. In my dream I said, “Whether someone takes off the weight after bariatric surgery or through the extreme workouts and eating restrictions on your show, everybody has to understand that this isn’t a “sometime thing” and problem solved. Long term success requires a complete life reboot.”

See how everything tied together in my brain?

I know I’ve talked about this before but it’s coming up for me again and it feels like I have a slightly different perspective. This usually means that it requires me to focus on it and reinforce it in my brain. I have said all along that the weight loss surgery is only a tool and the rest of the work is what really matters. Today after both the course and the dream, I need to revise or refine that idea. Actually, now that I’m pondering this in the writing process, I have something to own.

The weight loss surgery is a tool and it is not the reason for my success thus far. I’m the reason for my success. The diminished stomach capacity has provided incredible help by providing physical control that I was never able to adhere to before. I could always eat and eat and eat until the vertical sleeve gastrectomy changed all that. However, I’m the one who decided to have the surgery. I’m the one that makes the good choices about food. I’m the one who has committed to exercise and physical fitness. I’m the one who hit Alt + Ctl + Del on my old ways.

As egotistical as that makes me sound, I think it’s important for me to claim it. Own it and celebrate it, too. One day at a time, often one meal at a time, I have taken back my life from the eating disorder and all of my messed up ways of using massive amounts of food. Sometimes it’s good to step back from the one day at a time lessons in the 12 Step programs and gaze at the big picture. The global perspective then helps me put the individual choices into action.

In my dream I talked about success not being about the single meal or the day’s workout. It calls for us to reshape our lives and changing our entire lifestyle. This journey is not an accelerated, high intensity boot camp. It truly is a life reboot.

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Friends That Get Me

A long time ago I read a dialogue exchange in a book between two characters who were discussing whether one of them could truly understand a situation having never experienced it. The other character said something along the lines of, “You don’t have to know how to make a soufflé to appreciate eating one.”

I think of that response a lot when connecting, or at least trying to connect, with something a friend or family member is going through. My close friends are like family to me. One of the greatest gifts of these close, heart relationships is the empathy we share. That closeness and understanding that comes from truly getting each other. Even if we don’t have first hand experience with a particular situation, we can still understand what our friends experienced because we know each other and how things affect us. We don’t have to have been on the same trip to share the joy of the friend who did the traveling. We don’t need to have gone through the similar truly heartbreaking circumstance, to sincerely open up our hearts and compassion, our arms for hugs, our shoulders to cry on.

I am fortunate to have at least one dear friend who also has an eating disorder. (Not that I’m happy that someone else has to battle food issues, but since she does, I’m super glad we’re friends. *waving at her as she reads this*) We’ve been friends a long time and our relationship is not only a friendship, it’s also a support system.

I have many more friends who don’t have eating disorders, nor any other addictive disease or behavior. Like those people who love a good soufflé without ever having tried to make one, they don’t need to share my disorder in order to relate to me. It’s enough that they know that I have one. They can and do still listen to what I say about it or what I share when I’m having some struggles.

Friends that get me mean the world. Having anyone in your life who truly knows you — your sterling traits and character defects alike — and accepts and loves you opens up incredible freedom of expression. When you know you’re not only going to be understood but also not judged, and that the other person is able and willing to bottom line things with you and tell you not what you want to hear, but also what you need to hear, you can safely go deep with your thoughts and feelings.

Earlier this evening, I was on the phone for more than an hour with a long time, dear, friend who is as close to being my younger sister as is possible without actually sharing DNA. We were overdue for a good catching up call and, boy, did we ever cover a lot of topics, circumstances, stories and everything else under the conversational sun. Some were deep, some were funny, some were just needing to be shared and heard. It was great. My heart smiled throughout and after.

This quality of friendship is precious. The relationships not only need to be cherished, they must be nurtured. They can’t exist if only one person gets it. There has to be equal openness, acceptance and understanding on both sides. Not every interaction will be perfectly balanced. Sometimes one friend will need more and that’s okay. It balances out over time. I only know that in order to receive this gift, I need to be in a place to give it back.

Gotta love having friends who get me.

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Excess Pounds Perspective

Sometimes my brain goes in odd directions. A friend/co-worker and I were talking about weight loss today. I mentioned that I’ve lost around 180 pounds. It struck me that I’d lost significantly more than this co-worker’s entire body weight.

That started my train of thought down a particular track. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) the average weight of adult women ages 20+ in the U.S. is 166.2 pounds. For men in the same age range in the U.S., the average weight is 195.5 pounds. So with 180 pound weight loss, I’ve lost more than an entire average sized woman and almost as much as an averaged sized man.

I’ve also lost more than an adult male English mastiff weighs. I can’t imagine trying to carry around a dog that size, yet I did.
There are dolphins where I work that weigh less than I did when I was my heaviest. I look at some of the youngsters who hit the scale at a little less than 200 pounds and think about them being the equivalent in pounds of the weight I’ve taken off.

This really gives me a different perspective about my excess pounds. I have an entirely new, deeper, more amazed respect for my body — bones, joints, muscles, organs, the whole darned thing and all of its systems. For years this body that was built for one person carried around enough weight for two large people. It’s a wonder that my heart didn’t explode from my chest or my knees collapse beneath me.

I feel like I should apologize to every cell of myself. I’m not going to beat myself up over it. That would be a waste and achieve nothing. All I can do is what I’m doing now. Keep losing weight and then maintain the loss. Continue to exercise to build strength and flexibility. Treat my body with respect, appreciation, and love.

This body deserves to be treated well. It’s earned the right!

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Love, Loss, and Hugs Remembered

My father died when I was 25. For the year or two prior to his death, I’d experienced a good weight loss. In fact, I lost about 100 pounds. It wasn’t too long after his death that I began to eat and eat and eat again. Yes, I eventually put back on all of the weight that I’d lost.

In the year before my mother was diagnosed, I’d been on another good losing effort. During the year of her illness, I began to gain back the weight. Wow, I clearly remember my sister-in-law trying to counsel me to not hurt myself that way. Obviously, I couldn’t stop myself. The pounds added up and then more piled on. The gaining trend continued for 13 years, broken occasionally by temporary diet successes, but eventually I grew to my heaviest weight ever. That’s where I was before my weight loss surgery in 2012.

Clearly, with my eating disorder food and overeating have been included in my coping mechanisms for grief. Instead of focusing on my parents as my greatest inspirations, my heroes, I only knew the great gaping wounds in my heart. I was in so much pain and used food to try to fill the holes so that I wouldn’t hurt anymore.

Mom’s been gone 15 years now and Dad 30. I still miss them every day. I cherish my memories of them and sometimes, I get very lucky and see one or both of them in my dreams. This happened last night. I don’t remember all of the details but I was back in our family home in New Jersey. I’d just woken up and Mom came into my room to talk. I can’t even remember what we talked about, but she said she needed a hug so I opened up my arms and held her.

I definitely can remember more than a few times that year she was so sick when we sat and hugged each other, drawing comfort and some serenity in the moment. Friends, this dream was so vivid that I could feel the hug again. Everything from the weight of her leaning to the wrap of her arms to the warmth. It was like an actual Mom hug, not a wispier, less-substantial dream version. So real that even after I woke up, I could still feel it.

Even though I knew it was, in reality, a dream, it strongly imprinted on me to the point that I was able to carry it with me through my day. I can’t really explain it. I’m considering it a form of muscle memory that was brought forward out of my subconscious by my dream state. I don’t want to question it too much either, but prefer instead to consider it a gift.

I have friends who believe in ghosts. Actually, I’m pretty sure that I’ve seen at least one in my life. Long story so I won’t go into it now. Some of the friends who believe in ghosts think that when a loved one appears to us in a dream it’s because their spirit is reaching out to contact us. I believe there is some sort of afterlife after our deaths, even if I can’t quite picture what it looks like in my mind. I prefer to believe that I will see my loved ones again. In the meantime, I’m so very glad that I saw and hugged Mom again in my dream.

As my journey goes on, even though I’m determined to make my goal and then learn to maintain my new lifestyle, weight and fitness level, sometimes my spirit gets a little weary. When I hit those periods, encouragement helps. So, whether last night’s dream was a visitation, or whether it was my own need calling up my Mom memory, I felt like I received her encouragement. In my dream, Mom acknowledged my strength and this helped me to remember my strength too.

It’s been another good day. I am grateful.

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Gold, Goaled & Golden Arches

Some days I’m strong on my food plan and exercise in spite of food thoughts and compulsion assailing me. Those are good days when I can hold onto my resilience and determination even when my disease urges me to eat on impulse. Really good days are ones when I don’t even feel the compulsion of my eating disorder but just go through the day eating as I planned and what I prepared. I’ve had a few really good days lately. I never take these for granted. They are infrequent and precious. It is a lot less stressful to not have to do battle with the disease, even for a day.

My mindset’s been good. I’ve held to my determination to not belittle or denigrate my own efforts. If a negative, or even a slightly-less-than-positive thought tries to creep into my consciousness, I cancel it. I’ve even said it out loud. Cancel! Silly as it sounds, it works.

I know as I’ve lost weight I’ve talked about getting into smaller size clothing or, especially in the beginning, taking clothes to a seamstress for alterations. I soon need to get some other belongings sized down. My jewelry has all become too big. A pinkie ring that at one time had to be cut off before wrist surgery is too big for me to wear. I’ve had it slip off my finger when I reached into my handbag for something. I tried wearing a ring guard for awhile but the guard annoyed me. So, the ring is off of my hand and in my jewelry box.

My other pinkie ring has also gotten too big but I’ve been able to move it over to the next finger and wear it there instead. For the time being, anyway. I noticed yesterday that it’s close to becoming too big to wear at all. I have another valuable ring that I still love to wear but it keeps sliding all over my ring finger. For now, when I wear it I slip it onto my index finger. It’s kind of a cool look, to be honest. I might just continue to do that.

My necklaces used to be the perfect length but now I’ve lost enough inches around my neck that they hit longer than I like. Thinking of all these things, I realize that sooner or later I need to go for gold alterations! I’m not complaining. This is an excellent problem to experience! Unlike clothes, gold can earn me money, particularly at the current price per ounce. When I finally take everything into a jeweler to be shortened or sized down, I’ll be able to sell back whatever is removed. At the very least it will pay for the work. Best case scenario, it will pay for the work and I’ll get a few bucks spending money. Like I said, not a bad problem!

The Olympic Ice Dancing finals are on television tonight while I write this post. I already know the outcome so I’m not experiencing anxiety-by-proxy for the athletes. I can relax and enjoy the performances and programs without fretting that some team will fall or make other heart-wrenching errors. I don’t know about the other sports, but it seems like most of the figure skaters start when they’re kids. I marvel that this dogged determination to pursue sports excellence not only begins so young but also stays with them for so many years.

I had multiple dream jobs in mind by the time I was 11. I can’t imagine sticking with one of them for most of my life. These skaters set their goals early and committed their lives to achieving them, no matter what. Hours upon hours upon days, weeks, months and years of practice, hard work, sacrifice of other activities all to become the best that they can possibly be.

It’s inspiring. If they can commit their entire lives to their gold goal, surely I can stay committed to achieving my goal weight and then maintaining for the rest of my life.

Finally, as my day of gold and goaled thoughts comes to an end, I need to say that I groan every time a commercial for McDonald’s comes on during the Olympics broadcast. As you can imagine, this means I groan a lot. I don’t mean to be hypocritical because, Lord knows, I used to be a regular customer of the golden arches drive through. In my worst days of overeating, I’d go through the drive-thru and order two sodas, hoping the staff member would assume I was ordering food for two people. With the exception of a yogurt and fruit parfait that I had last month, I haven’t eaten from McD’s in more than a year. My stomach can’t handle it and foods that I once loved hold no appeal anymore.

That said, for some reason, I find it distasteful to see the ad that has athletes playfully biting the medals as if to judge the quality of the metal and then see people biting into chicken nuggets. They look for all the world as if they think the questionable chicken is the gold standard for edible food. Eat fast food or don’t, it’s a personal choice, but let’s not fool ourselves that the food items on the menu are healthy and good for us. The majority aren’t.

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Cheer Every Effort

The other day in a conversation with a friend I heard myself say, “I only rode my bike for seven miles last night.” My friend gaped at me and I heard my words as if with someone else’s ears. I looked at her and said, “I need to change the way I think and talk about my exercise.”

She vehemently agreed. Really. I only rode my bike for seven miles?? Only? On the one hand, it’s funny that I would think any physical exercise is less than, that I would diminish any effort. Two years ago I could barely walk up stairs and had to help myself by pulling up on railings. The slightest walk had me breathing hard. I hadn’t ridden a bicycle in more than 15 years. On the other hand, it’s not funny at all that I introduce negativity into any of my thoughts about my effort. By the way, that evening that I rode seven miles capped a day that started with 45 minutes of brisk walking. I was hardly slacking on my physical fitness routine!

I’ve been thinking about it ever since. Negativity breeds negativity. I can’t afford to let that mind set or energy develop. If it grows, and takes hold, it could easily mess with my emotions. When my emotions get messed up, I reach for food.

So I’ve committed to framing the messages that I give myself in positive terms and removing the diminishing qualifiers. There will be no more “only did this much” nonsense. I will cheer every effort, every exercise session. Whether I reach 10,000 steps, 15,000 or more, I will declare, “Booyah!” and celebrate.

For the record, I’ve been super active this weekend. My apologies to all of you suffering the series of snowstorms, but the weather’s beautiful in the Florida Keys. A little cool by our standards but sunny with light winds. Yesterday the dogs and I did two miles/45 minutes of a nice walk along the beach road. Later in the day I added a six mile bike ride just because it was so nice in the late afternoon.

A couple of weeks ago, I signed up to participate in a 5K walk/run to raise money for the organization that provides services and a food bank for people in need and oversees a homeless shelter and meal program. I’m not competing to win anything, but I don’t want to be last in my age group. I’ve declared myself “in training” for that walk. Pyxi was limping last night and this morning and she appears to have strained a muscle in our walk yesterday so I needed to keep things easy on her today. The dogs got a shorter walk and then I headed out for the Seven Mile Bridge and walked about 3.25 miles.

After doing some stuff around the house, I realized that it was again a beautiful afternoon, so I rolled out on my bike for 10 miles.

I find that I dearly love these outdoor exercise sessions. I don’t want to lose these feelings so the more that I do things that I enjoy, the more my enjoyment grows. No “only” about it.

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Springsteen Saturday

I’ve raved written here before about my decades long love and admiration for Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band. No, it isn’t love as in I-was-the-person-he-should-have-married-crazy-stalker-fan love. It’s entirely because since I was 17 years old, Bruce’s songs have inspired, encouraged, resonated and deeply touched my emotions.

The last time I saw him and the band in concert was September 2012 up home in New Jersey. It feels like shortly after, he launched an International tour that’s gone on forever. We, i.e. his U.S. fans, have waited ever since for him to book more dates here at home. Our hopes rose when he recently released a new album, High Hopes.

We have been rewarded. Earlier this week he announced U.S. dates. To my utter joy one of those dates is a night in South Florida. The tickets went on sale this morning at 10 a.m. I pre-cautioned my Tai Chi instructor that I’d need to leave class early. My computer was booted up and I was sitting at Ticketmaster.com, refreshing the concert date page by 9:59 a.m. so that I wouldn’t miss out. Who’s going to see Springsteen? *points to self* This woman! Booyah!

I’ve probably said before that my favorite Bruce song is Thunder Road. (The fact that the protagonist in the song sings to a woman named Mary is purely coincidental.) In the song, the man urges Mary to go out with him, to believe in him, to show a little faith, that there is magic in the night. He can’t promise to be her hero but he is determined to win in the game of life.

When I was 17, that song was an invitation to pursue my dreams, to reach out for them with both hands and an open heart. To not be afraid but to leap and believe that the net would appear.

Now that I’m 56, Thunder Road still resonates but now it’s a reminder that I still have dreams and goals. I have promises to fulfill to myself. I am still in the process of living my best life.

One of the many things that always impressed me about Springsteen’s music and message was the fact that even when a song was filled with swagger, his characters weren’t pie-eyed optimists. They didn’t expect life to hand them their dreams but at heart they believed they could earn the dreams they wanted. By contrast, when his songs dealt with characters in despair, their pain was that much more cutting.

There are many themes, many characters and many stories — uplifting and positive or dark and sad. For me, the message I listen to the most is the one that reinforces earning my dreams and goals. I have to pay my way to reach them. In terms of my continued weight loss and recovery this means dedicating time, energy, spirit, and physical effort. That’s the payment recovery demands and I’m willing to pay. After all, I got high hopes.

Give me help, give me strength
Give a soul a night of fearless sleep
Give me love, give me peace
Don’t you know these days you pay for everything
Got high hopes
I got high hopes
I got high hopes
I got high hopes

– Bruce Springsteen

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Unfocused and Unproductive

Ever since Wednesday, I’ve had problems focusing on tasks. I appear to either get distracted by outside forces or manage to distract myself. As a result, I feel unproductive in all areas of my life.

I loathe not being productive. It drives me crazy. I am an efficient, get-it-done person. This doesn’t mean that I can’t kick back and relax. I don’t need to be accomplishing tasks every second, minute and hour of every day. Au contraire, I can spend hours on a warm day lolling on my porch and reading a good book.

So what’s the difference? Why is it roiling me up and emotionally affecting me now? Simple. It’s because I’m not making the conscious choice to relax and let the world spin around without me. I feel like it’s somehow out of my control. That’s the danger zone. When I feel like some area of my life is not within my control, I generally see an increase in my eating impulses. It’s like when one thing’s off kilter, it drives the rest of my life out of balance, too. Or, when one thing’s off kilter, I feel like my life is out of balance which stresses me out and triggers the desire to eat.

Crazy stuff, huh? Conversely, I can have a dozen projects going at once, be in charge of keeping them moving and in balance, and that won’t stress me out in the least. When I set the projects in motion, I’m golden. Now, if someone else has put the plates on the wobbly poles and then made it my responsibility to keep them spinning, that’s different. Again — it’s the balance between what is mine to control and what isn’t.

None of this actually makes good sense to me. You’d think that if I had an area out of my control, I’d work harder to keep other areas in line and functioning according to plan. As I ponder this whole thing, I wonder if I have a knee jerk reaction, decide that lack of perfection is an unbearable character flaw, and then punish myself by compulsively eating.

This is really messed up thinking. Then again, nobody claimed that those of us with disorders are the last bastions of rational thought at all times. Nor do I pretend that rational thought and rational behavior go hand in hand anyway.

So for right now, today, I’m trying to mitigate the damage. I’m telling myself that it’s okay for me to once in a while be unfocused and unproductive. Okay, I can’t accept that completely. Unfocused and not-quite-as-productive-as-I-usually-am will have to do. My life is not going to crash and burn. The sky will not fall. All is and will be well. I’ll get to that “being well” part sooner if I resist the urge to let my eating disorder pile on the pressure. I really don’t have to inappropriately eat over the whole thing.

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A Little Nostalgic

First off, today’s been better. I was able to release the stress and, overall, have a much better day. Two friends and I had lunch together at work. Sounds simple, but sometimes our schedules are all over the place and we can’t synch up long enough to sit down and eat at the same time. I’m glad that it worked out today.

Throughout the afternoon I was thinking about how fortunate I am to have really good friends. When I got home and opened my mailbox, I took out a letter with a return address that immediately made me think even more about friendship. The letter was from a woman whom I call Aunt Lucy even though we aren’t related. She was my mother’s best friend. They went to nursing school together. They served as Army nurse cadets on a reservation on the West Coast when they were 20. They were in each other’s weddings. Over the decades and many, many miles apart, they never lost touch.

Back in 1995, my brother, sister-in-law and I planned a surprise party for Mom’s 70th birthday. Even though Aunt Lucy and Uncle Jake lived in California and we were in New Jersey, we sent them an invitation. The night we received a positive R.S.V.P., I almost cried I was so happy. I knew this would be the most fantastic present for Mom. Three years later, when Mom was so ill, it broke my heart to call Aunt Lucy and tell her the sad news that her lifelong friend’s condition was terminal. They came East to see her and also to visit Lucy’s sister in Virginia.

In the years since Mom’s passing, we haven’t seen each other, but we’ve always exchanged Christmas cards. Actually, Aunt Lucy always penned a holiday letter for all of their friends. I loved reading them over the years when I was growing up and continued to love the tradition as an adult. This year, she didn’t get it done for Christmas, so she turned it into a Valentine’s Day card, dotted with colorful little hearts. Two typewritten pages caught everyone up on her activities. Jake passed away a couple of years ago but Lucy remains active at her retirement community and in her church. Her sons, daughters, and many grandchildren are spread out all over the country but it sounds like she travels at least a few times a year to see them here and there. I hope that when I’m 88 or 89, I’m half as active and able. I sure as heck hope that I’m sharp enough mentally to write a two page letter!

As always, she included a handwritten note at the end of her typed all-purpose letter. She mentioned my weight loss and my precious dogs — having seen the photos on my holiday card. She spoke of Mom and asked after my brother and his family, my aunts and theirs. She said that she’d love to hear more about us.

Before she signed up with her love, she said how much I look like my Mom and that she thinks it’s wonderful.

This whole letter just filled up my heart with emotion and love. I know how much Aunt Lucy and her friendship meant to my mother for more than 50 years. After walking the dogs and eating dinner, I sat down and wrote back a long letter to her, giving her more news about me and my family. In her handwritten message to me, she’d said how good it was to get my card and know that I still remember her. I wanted her to know that I not only remember her, but that she also has a very special place in my heart.

The letter is sealed, addressed, stamped and ready to go. Now I’m feeling quite nostalgic. I’m thinking about the years of friendship she and Mom shared. I’m also thinking about the friends in my life that I’ve known for ten, twenty, thirty, forty, even fifty years.

I feel so blessed right now tonight. If I’m still alive in 30 plus years and still in touch with any of them, imagine how blessed I’ll feel then!

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