Weighty Matters

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Mar 6

Things I Love Right Now

by Mary Stella

I have a guilty pleasure. I like to occasionally buy a little soap opera magazine. The only soap I watch is General Hospital and I’ve done so for decades. The DVR records it daily and I watch when I get home at night. I like reading about the show, the actors, the storylines, what’s coming up, etc. One of these magazines has a feature where the editors/writers name the Five Things They’re Loving Right Now about a certain show. They also name the one thing they could do without.

In the spirit of this feature, I started pondering about five things I love right now about my journey, my progress, myself. Yes, I’ll also pick the thing I could do without. Here we go, in no particular order:

Whenever I’m going on a trip, whether for a weekend or longer period, I love that I automatically pack exercise clothes, walking sneaks, and my iPod. These items are now as necessary as any other wardrobe item or my cosmetics and toiletries.

I love the I’m increasingly more open and willing to choose healthier alternatives in my food. No more turning up my nose at natural, organic peanut butter (I purposely buy without added sugar.) or fat free plain Greek yogurt. Sure, let me use spaghetti squash instead of pasta under my red sauce for an Italian food fix. I’m sampling a greater variety of less processed foods, too. A friend shared something she heard from a television or celebrity doctor — she can’t remember which one. He recommended that one strong step to eating healthier is to avoid food items that are advertised on television. Sure, as with anything there are some exceptions – like quality Greek yogurt — but think about what products you see most often in commercials.

I love that I no longer take over-the-counter pain relievers every day any more. My left knee will never be 100% but it doesn’t throb or ache at the end of every day. My whole body doesn’t hurt after a full day at work. At my heaviest, I took the equivalent of prescription-strength non-aspirin pain relievers every day, sometimes a few times a day. Now I don’t even think I take them once a month.

This one might be a little shallow, but forgive me, okay? I love that I’m no longer the heaviest person I know, the heaviest person at work, the heaviest person I see most days. When you’ve lived most of your life as the most overweight person present in any situation, it wears on the self-esteem. Having that weight off of me, literally and figuratively, lightens my spirit.

I absolutely love that I can both see and feel definition in my muscles. Sometimes I have to move around a bit for the definition to be obvious because of some remaining flab or saggy skin, but my muscles are toned! I not only feel stronger, I feel powerful. Booyah!

There are more things, of course, but these are the ones that most strike me today. Now for the thing I could do without. That would be how reactive my body is to carbs. We started this week with me annoyed because I ate a few carbs and my body decided to hold onto four faux pounds of water weight. I stayed with my plan and flushed them away, then lost an additional half pound so far. This makes me happy, but the fact that it was necessary still ticks me off.

So, my friends, what are five things about yourselves or your lives that you love? It’s okay to share the thing you could do without, too.

Body Matters General Musings NSVs The Past is the Past

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Mar 5

Instead of Eating

by Mary Stella

Compulsively eating or binge eating were my go-to behaviors when stressed/upset/angry/sad/fearful/pick-an-emotion for so long. Developing another strategy and coming up with different coping behaviors is an on-going effort. There are always better choices, but making those choices when I’m in the midst of the emotional reaction or situation is always a big time challenge.

The fact is that I really don’t “need” those old behaviors in order to cope. Binge eating or chowing down on chocolate or some other sweet doesn’t really make it easier to cope. A candy bar never solved a problem.

I need to remind myself of that every time I’m tempted to relapse into disease behavior because of an upsetting situation. The candy bar, handful of cookies, half pint of ice cream or whatever won’t solve the problem. Thinking that they’ll help me cope is a convenient, comfortable lie. Not only will they not make me feel better, eating them in that compulsive manner usually makes me feel worse.

Today I had tons more stress over some things at work than is normal. I can’t tell you how many times I remembered that there were still plenty of cookies, brownies and pastries in the kitchen and heard my brain say, “You need one. Go get it.”

I don’t need one, or six. That’s the truth. What I needed, and worked for, was to not compound the upset by binging out on sweets. I drank water and hot tea. I got up and took a walk. I focused on the tasks at hand. I vented a little. In short, I did whatever else I could instead of acting out by eating. At the end of the day, I was still stressed by the situations and workload, but I definitely felt better about it all than I would have if I’d eaten junk.

The long and short of it all is that there are countless other things to do instead of eat. Remembering this before I eat, is the key. It goes back to being mindful and making the most appropriate choices to foster my recovery.

General Musings

6 Comments »
Mar 4

Fighting Back – Day Two

by Mary Stella

Thanks to the no-junk-carbs, healthy foods, lots of fluids approach yesterday, I’ve flushed two pounds of the evil water weight out of my body. Two more to go and I’ll be back on track.

In the midst of this I had the “Oh Yeah”, mental head smack, “D’oh!” moment. I really am supposed to eat like this all of the time while I’m still on the reducing phase of my weight loss journey. It’s not like I’ve been awful, playing fast and loose with my food plan, but clearly I have not been as “rigorously honest” with the effort as I thought. In retrospect, I will cop to what I know realize was some form of denial.

I wasn’t bingeing. I wasn’t completely immersed in compulsive eating. I was probably eating more like I will as a “normal” person. Eating well-balanced, healthy meals, indulging with a few treats here and there, but not going crazy to the point where I kept gaining pound after pound after pound.

The thing is that I’m not yet in the phase where this is the way that I should be eating. I still have weight to lose, so I was stalling my own effort. There is a LOT of great news in this realization. Just the fact that I actually can eat like a so-called “normal” person is encouraging. I’ve never been able to do that for a sustained period of time. ***I hate the term “normal person” or “normal eating” but, unfortunately, I can’t think of better, more appropriate terms right now to convey what I mean.*** I’ve now been on this journey for more than two years and, overall, I’m doing great! This gives me enormous encouragement that when it’s time for me to transition to maintenance and the future lifestyle of eating, I’m going to continue to be successful.

This eliminates an enormous fear. Deep in my heart, I’ve been almost afraid to believe that I will not gain back all of my weight. I’ve been terrified that I will revert to the old pattern, the way that I did every single other time I dieted. I am now cautiously learning to have faith and believe that I truly am converting to a person who will sustain life time recovery. These are not just “for now” changes. I’m in it to win it for the rest of my life.

For now, however, I need to maintain the rigorous honesty of my “losing” food plan. I’m fighting back against the lure of carbs and too much sugar. It’s day two of this week’s fight, and I’m committed to success. Tomorrow morning, I will wake up and commit again. Recovery is achieved by successfully living a series of “One Day at a Time” efforts.

I feel lighter today, not just in body, but also in spirit. I was growing weary of the losing effort. Today I am newly inspired.

Body Matters General Musings My Progress

3 Comments »
Mar 3

Battling Temptation

by Mary Stella

Doesn’t it figure? I’m primed, ready, and prepped to flush the effects of the evil carbs from my system, and the kitchen at work is absolutely loaded with sandwiches, pastries and cookies. I mean loaded. There are three bakery trays of sweets on the counter and the fridge is packed to overload with other stuff. I could barely find room for my lunch tote.

I really did prepare too. I have a small smoothie blender at work and a matching one at home, I put all of the ingredients for a delicious, healthy lunch-time smoothie into the blender cup and brought it with me. I also packed two small apples, for good soluble fiber and, just in case I need a little extra protein, a hard boiled egg. I am ready to battle the water-retention bulge that I suffered this weekend.

The leftover food in the kitchen makes that room the equivalent of an unsupervised, open bar for an alcoholic. I jumped on here to declare my determination not to give into the temptation to veer from my plan. I will not sneak in a cop a cookie. I will not decide that the smoothie didn’t satisfy my hunger and grab a bite of sandwich. I will go into the kitchen for three reasons and three reasons only:

To get ice from the freezer for my water glass.
To retrieve my lunch tote when it’s time for my snacks or lunch.
To use the copy machine.

I can be successful today. I will be successful today.

I’ll let you know tonight how I did. In the meantime, some positive energy from my blog buddies will help. Thank you!

Body Matters My Progress

6 Comments »
Mar 2

I (h)Ate Carbs

by Mary Stella

I’m pretty annoyed this morning. I did great with my 5K walk yesterday, as I posted here. I continued to be active during the day, including walking the dogs before going out to a Chinese New Year dinner celebration with my Tai Chi group. I’ve been so good with my food too.

What happened when I got on the scale this morning? According to the number, I gained two pounds since yesterday. Intellectually, I know this is not mathematically possible. I did not eat 7200 more calories than I expended in a 24 hour period. (3600 calories to a pound X two pounds, etc.) Honestly, I don’t think I can fit 7200 calories in my body in a day. I would have to drink almost nine large chocolate milkshakes from a certain fast food restaurant in order to accomplish that feat of overload.

So what happened? I ate some carbs. Through the course of an extremely active day, I had a small cookie when the race was over, half a biscuit at lunch, a small scoop of rice at dinner, and another cookie at dinner. I just looked up the approximate carb counts of those foods and then added more just to be on the safe side. I can’t make the carb count go higher than 87 grams.

According to the Institute of Health, adult women should consume 45 to 65 percent of their daily calories from carbohydrates. This means women following 1,200-calorie weight loss diets need about 135 to 195 grams of carbs each day. If I’m topping out at 1000 calories a day, I can drop that range to about 113 to 165 grams of carbs a day. I know that needs to include “good” carbs too, like from fruit, veggies and healthy grains.

So, when I analyze my sum total of food for the day, taking into account that I did ingest around 87 grams of “junk” carbs, I still did not drastically overdo on a day when I was super active. (close to 17,000 steps by days end on the FitBit.)

Clearly junk carbs really are the enemy. Apparently, my body is super reactive to them, too. The only logical explanation for the two pounds-in-a-day weight gain is that I’m retaining water. I don’t feel or look bloated or puffy, but I can’t come up with any other reason.

Can you tell that I’m more than a little pissed off today? It doesn’t matter that I know it’s temporary weight. It messes with my head. I become resentful as all get out and ugly, diseased, “You f*&#ked up your plan again” thoughts invade my mind.

Here’s how I’m countering the crappy mind chatter. My knee was a little stiff this morning, but I rolled out of bed, dressed, and took an 11 mile bike ride. I came home and ate the rest of yesterday’s frittata, which I shared with Nat and Pyxi. I then decided that I need to fight fluid with fluid. So, for the next day or so, I’m going to really push liquids. I’ll refrain from carbs, except what comes in fruit or veggies, go with protein shakes or smoothies for breakfast and lunch, and really focus on getting in more water. I’m going to do my darnedest to flush out my system and get my body back on track.

Body Matters My Progress

5 Comments »
Mar 1

My First 5K

by Mary Stella

I love the community in which I live. We do a lot of events to raise money for various organizations throughout the year and they always seem to be well attended and also supported by the businesses in the area. It’s not like we’re a huge metropolis either. We have maybe 8500 full time residents and the “full time” part is questionable. I think there are a fair number of people who claim their home here is their full time residence but they actually spend a chunk of their time elsewhere. Whatever the case, we collectively turn out to support the area events.

Today was the Sombrero Beach Run to benefit KAIR. This organization runs a food bank for low income people and also a homeless shelter and kitchen to supply meals to homeless folks. Every dollar raised is a big help. When I saw friends sharing about the Beach Run on their Facebook page, the announcements captured my attention and I decided to sign up. Not only do I like to support KAIR, but I also liked the message I was sending to myself. I can do a 5K walk! Two years ago, even though I was post-surgery and losing weight, I still wasn’t in good enough shape to walk so far. I sure couldn’t have done it prior to my weight loss surgery. Now, today? A whole different story!

The overall event had several competitions: 10K Run; 5K Run; 15K Challenge for runners who wanted to do both races; and the 5K Walk. A friend who has done the race before assured me there would be plenty of walkers so I didn’t feel strange about signing up for the least challenging competition.

For me, this wouldn’t be a competition at all, really. I wasn’t walking to win. All I wanted to do was walk, complete the 5K in less than an hour, and not come in last. Yesterday, a friend texted me that she was going to sign up too, so I’d even have a walking partner.

Last night, I went to the beach to pick up my number, t-shirt, and goody bag. Can I just tell you that I felt absurdly pleased to be so official? I had to think and plan my food for race day. I opted to eat a protein-rich breakfast and got up early enough to make a frittata with sautéed spinach and shallots mixed in and a slice of very crisp bacon. (My dogs love when I make bacon because I always make a slice for them too.) After eating, I had plenty of time to let the meal settle before putting on my socks and walking sneakers. I pinned my number on my shirt, grabbed my water bottle and headed out.

The weather could not have been more perfect! Apologies to those of you enduring endless snow storms and frigid temps. Down here this morning it was in the low-mid 70s with bright sunshine and a cool breeze off the ocean.

The 10K race started at 8 a.m., more than an hour before the 5K, so there were lots of folks milling around while a D.J. played dance music. A couple of people I know and I danced on the beach to the Electric Slide, the Cuban Shuffle and the Cha Cha Slide. Why not? I considered it a warm up routine. What fun to be part of this crowd of people! I knew so many of the folks who were either working the food tents or getting ready to hit the course. The area businesses did a great job. There were platters of cut-up bananas, bagels with cream cheese and various pastries if anyone wanted carbohydrate energy. Other volunteers were grilling hot dogs and sausages and wrapping them in aluminum foil to distribute after the races.

Finally, 9:15 approached and we gathered at the starting line to depart en masse. We were off! My friend and I chatted the whole way and also applauded runners who passed us coming back as they completed the 10K run, and then the 5K. Volunteers and residents along the route cheered and applauded us as we passed and handed out cups of water if we didn’t have any to drink. The energy from everyone was glorious. I was having a blast!

On the way back, I noticed that we’d lagged a little. I think we got distracted by our own gabbing. I urged my friend on and suggested that we should finish strong, so we picked up our own pace. Thanks to that, as we neared the finish line, I saw that we were, indeed, going to finish ahead of the one hour mark. 57:45 to be exact. Best of all, we were far from the last walkers to cross the line! All goals met and I was all smiles. We asked some volunteers to snap this photo as a keepsake.

After finishing my first "official" 5K walk.

After finishing my first “official” 5K walk.

When I think back to my life pre-surgery and how walking any distance physically challenged me, I can’t help but feel big time happy and not a little proud of where I am today. I don’t need to be the first to cross the line in my age class to feel like a winner. Just getting out and doing it at all feels like a win. Having fun and enjoying the effort? Bonus!

I’m going to keep my eyes open for additional 5K walks for other fundraising events. I know that I can beat the time we set today. Like I said, we were gabbing and not paying attention to our pace. That’s just a personal challenge that will make it even more fun. In the meantime, I’m just going to enjoy the glow from entering and completing my first official 5K event!

Body Matters My Progress NSVs

3 Comments »
Feb 28

Misplaced Guilt

by Mary Stella

I got up at 6 a.m. today but it was raining so I didn’t go out for a walk or bike ride. I also didn’t put in one of my home exercise DVDs. Instead, I prepared and packed lunch for work, turned on my DVR recording of last night’s Scandal (OMG!), and ate breakfast. By the way, that whole mixing of some vanilla extract and honey into plain non-fat yogurt turned out great!

I feel really guilty that I didn’t exercise. I know this is misplaced guilt and just another great example of how diseased thinking can strike. I exercise for at least an hour a day, usually seven days a week. That’s even more than the usually recommended amount. Even when the number on the scale is slow, the inches coming off and the reshaping of my body are evident because of the exercise. Bottom line: I have no reason to feel guilty because I skipped a day of exercise.

Particularly when I haven’t skipped an entire day. I could make it up tonight after work — or not. It’s okay. The only person who disagrees isn’t even a person — it’s my subconscious or some part of my brain that likes to make me feel bad or feel like I’m letting myself down or doing something wrong to screw up my recovery.

Right now, I’m going to declare that I will not listen to that part of my psyche. I will not spend another minute feeling this misplaced guilt. I will not compound it by also eating off of my food plan. I will remain in recovery today.

I needed to get that out. Thanks.

By the way, have I mentioned that tomorrow I’m doing a 5K walk race? I’m not in it for competition. The whole event benefits a local service organization that runs a food bank and homeless shelter. I wanted to support the organization. Not only will tomorrow give me a chance to do that, but it will put me squarely back on the exercise wagon.

Body Matters General Musings

3 Comments »
Feb 26

Being Here Now

by Mary Stella

I’m thinking a lot about the importance of being present in each moment. This is often quite difficult to remember, or easy to remember but difficult to practice. It’s even harder to be present in the moment and only experience that moment for what it is. Cause whatever the moment is, that’s what it is — and it ain’t what it ain’t.

Deep, huh?

We tend to bring a lot of stuff with us into every situation, interaction, conversation and experience. Sometimes we are the sum total of everything that’s gone on before so we don’t look at present moments with a clear, unaffected view. Instead, we filter them through all the other stuff.

While I think that it’s good to build on good foundations, we need to discern when we’re standing on solid ground and when we’re letting poor past experiences or apprehension about the future “what could happen” adulterate the moment.

So how does all this “be here, be present” musing connect to my eating disorder or my recovery? I’m trying to be mindful of my triggers and my habits. Just because I might have eaten inappropriately as a result of a situation before doesn’t mean that I have to repeat the behavior when I run into that situation again. I need to stay in the moment and deal from the strength of the recovery that I’ve built to date. When I’m anticipating a situation or a circumstance, I don’t need to react in old patterns of behavior if those patterns don’t serve a positive purpose.

Just because I’ve eaten compulsively, or overeaten before, for whatever reason, doesn’t mean I’m a slave to continuing in disease. I have new, healthier methods of dealing with whatever issue occurs.

Right now, this moment, is not what happened yesterday or last week, or when I was a kid. A bad experience in the past does not mean that the same will happen for sure in the future so I don’t need to fear that it will. I only need to take care of whatever is going on right now. It deserves the best of my attention with an open mind and open heart. Staying present means that the situation or person gets quality interaction from me, which is what they deserve. It’s what I deserve, too.

I have a favorite William Blake poem that intertwines with tonight’s musings. I love it so much that I did a counted cross stitch representation of it many years ago and it still hangs on one of my walls. It reminds me that everything comes down to the simple, the present moment, the being here now.

BlakeCrossstitch

This helps me to remember that no matter how enormous, intimidating, or overwhelming something might be, it really is no more than that grain of sand, the single wildflower, the palm of my hand, or a single hour.

It certainly doesn’t have to warrant diseased eating. That’s for sure.

General Musings

4 Comments »
Feb 24

Here’s to Taking Care of Ourselves

by Mary Stella

Okay, I’m going to wave a banner, lead a cheer and completely urge everybody reading this to find one great thing that you can do for yourself this week. Pick something that you completely enjoy and that falls in the category of Good Self Care. Then go and do it.

I did some of that tonight by going for a massage. The massage therapist I use is A-Ma-Zing! She pays attention to energy in my body, where it’s blocked, what’s tightened, what needs to release, etc. A session with her is so much more than a head-to-toe rub down. She can tell if an issue is rooted in muscle, tendons or nerves.

Thanks to the work she did on me this evening, I have immeasurably better range of motion in my left shoulder than I’ve enjoyed in weeks. I can’t tell you how much time she spent on the nerves and muscles in my right leg but the flexibility is incredible. That’s my weaker, more arthritic knee and it feels ten years younger tonight. I also am not experiencing the phantom ache I’ve felt in that leg every evening for the last week or so.

Yes, caring for self is a wonderful, positive thing.

Now, some might argue that everything I do is caring for myself. Eating healthier, exercising, working on my eating disorder and food issues — the whole kit and caboodle. That’s a valid argument. However, I will argue that it is incredibly important to also add extras. The additional things we do for ourselves might be physically, emotionally or mentally good for us, but they’re also treats which boosts the emotional benefits. These acts of self-care are great positive reinforcement.

Bi-weekly manicures and a monthly pedicure are self-care for me, but I’ve come to think of them as essential and routine. I guess coloring the gray in my hair falls into this category, too. I’ve always considered massages and facials as “extras”. I’m starting to think that I should schedule them more on a regular, routine basis, too. Ooh, now here’s a slightly indulgent dilemma. If the extra self-care treats are turned in regular occurrences, do I then need to find myself new extras with which to treat myself? Hmmm. I’m sure I can figure out a few ways. 😉

What are a few ways that you can practice self-care this week? Take a bath, find some alone time to read, get a massage, a facial, your nails done? What can you do to reward yourself for just being you?

Body Matters General Musings NSVs

2 Comments »
Feb 23

Better to Light a Candle

by Mary Stella

It’s better to light a candle than curse the darkness. I first heard a variation of that proverb when I was in grade school. A great book came out in 1970 called Light a Single Candle about a teenage girl who goes blind.

I’ve always interpreted the saying as a way to cope when life, or a situation, attempts to overwhelm me. Rather than sit and complain or fret about how huge the problem appears, I try to break it down into smaller areas. It might be too big for me to fix or change all at once, but I can find those smaller areas where I can accomplish single changes and begin my progress on a solution.

Yes, having weight loss surgery was one huge change to one humongous problem. Preparing for it was almost overwhelming with the myriad of different doctors I had to see, the tests that needed to be scheduled and experienced, the follow ups, the evaluations, the planning, etc. It could easily have overwhelmed me but I approached it all one appointment at a time.

When I get super busier-than-usual-busy at work and I wonder how in the hell I’ll get everything done, I make a list. Every project on the list can be successfully accomplished, one at a time. Sometimes each project needs to be broken into a series and schedule of tasks — all single candles in their own right.

I find that the “light a candle” proverb meshes well with the Serenity Prayer. If I’m having a stressful day, I think about what I can change or do and what I can’t. Which candle can I ignite to burn brightly and make the darkness — or the stress, or the workload, or whatever — less oppressive?

Right now, I evaluating my food plan. Things are going pretty well and I want to stay on this roll. Sometimes, my mind gets a little overwhelmed with all of the elements that create my successful recovery. So, I’m breaking them down into smaller pieces to keep going with what works. These little candles become more manageable goals.

This week, there are two actions that I want to make sure I continue with in terms of my food. They contribute positive success to the overall goal of not eating compulsively and staying within my calorie and nutrition plan. One is to continue incorporating more vegetables than I have been eating. (I realized that most of my daily fruit and vegetable servings tended to be fruit and not veggies. More sugar was creeping in than I needed. Now I feel like I have it in better balance.) The other thing is to continue preparing my work meals (mid-morning snack, lunch, mid-afternoon snack) the night before. I started doing so last week and it really helped! I plan better when I’m not rushed as I tend to be in the morning.

These are my two candles for the week. More veggies/less fruit; Advance preparation. These actions are clearly not overwhelming. They are easy to manage and the results are great.

So, anybody else have a lot going on that might be less overwhelming if broken down into single candles? Feel free to share!

General Musings

3 Comments »
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