Weighty Matters

For those of you who are also overweight and/or compulsive overeaters or binge eaters, have you ever looked at a more slender person’s plate of food and wondered how they aren’t starving?  How about when someone says, “This delicious chocolate is so rich, just one piece satisfies me.”

There are a lot of people who frequently say, “I couldn’t eat another bite” and actually mean it.    The eating habits of thin people were always a mystery to me.  Eating half a sandwich.  Not finishing their fries.  Putting most of their meals in “to go” boxes.  I honestly could not figure out why I always seemed to be hungrier than most of the people around me.

I still don’t have an answer on that one and remain unsure whether it was actual physical hunger or head hunger or hunger sparked by my emotions.  However, I’m sure eating now like all of those thinner people I envied over the decades.   I met friends for lunch yesterday and ordered a small salad with brisket on the side.  I ate a few small pieces of the meat and a few forkfuls of salad.  I accepted a single onion ring from a friend’s order.  That was it.  I was absolutely satisfied without going overboard.  I asked for a box so I could pack up the rest and went on enjoying the time we were spending together.

While I was away at RT, my friends/roommates and I chose to go down for breakfast one day.  One roomie offered to split an omelet with me.  (She is slender with a gorgeous figure.)  When the dish was served, I was good with a quarter of the fluffy, delicious omelet, two small forkfuls of crispy hash browns, and half a slice of toast.    In the past, I could have polished off the entire three egg sausage and cheese omelet, the whole order of hash browns and two full slices of buttered toast.  That morning, the portions I ate were all delicious and just enough.

Before I transitioned to eating solid foods again post-surgery, I was really concerned that I would feel deprived even when my stomach was full.  I wondered whether I would grow to resent my new drastically reduced-size stomach and regret taking this step and having the surgery.  I’m learning, thankfully, that I can handle it.  I can be satisfied with smaller portions.  I can sample that elegant, rich dessert and then push away the plate.  A single cookie, over a full handful, is a delectable treat that I can savor and not be pissed off that there isn’t room for more.

Sometimes when I serve myself dinner, I initially put too much on my plate or in my bowl but I pay attention to my body and stop when I’ve had enough.  There’s no desire to clean my plate, no matter how delicious the meal.

It’s been a long time coming and it took major surgery, but I’m learning.  More than learning the mechanics of eating like a thin person, I’m also learning how to like the change.

It’s time for a reality self-check.  I’ve been doing great, even to the point where most of my food choices are automatic and stress-free.  I feel terrific. My check-ups at my doctors are excellent.  I am consistently happy and excited about every day ahead of me in my future.

I realized today, however, that I do still need to remind myself of certain realities.   Even with a miniscule stomach post-surgery, I still have an eating disorder.  I am still a compulsive overeater.  There is no cure for this disorder.  Just like there’s no real cure for alcoholism or drug addiction, I will always be a compulsive overeater.  All of my hard work on my mind and emotions, the drastic step of cutting out most of my stomach — these things are tools to help me recover from the behavior of compulsive overeating.

I cannot fool myself into thinking I’m cured and will never eat compulsively again.  That mindset will lead me into trouble and relapse.  The sleeve gastrectomy might be my most effective tool ever, but it isn’t a fix.  I still need to prep, plan and guard against inappropriate use of food.

What lead to this post today?  Simple.  I went to the health food store to get additional vitamins and another container of the protein powder I like.  I browsed the aisles of organic, natural, healthy food and happened upon the chocolate selection.

I love chocolate.

I can have chocolate, but like every other food, only in very small portions.   “No problem,” I told myself.  I can buy this entire bar and only eat a single square.  Nothing to it!”

I was right.  I could eat a single square, savoring the lovely chocolate flavor as it melted in my mouth.  A single square — what restraint.

It lasted about ten minutes and then I went back for my next single square and, several minutes later, my third.  In short, I compulsively returned to my chocolate bar and ate two more servings than planned.  Luckily, I successfully put on the brakes before I polished off the entire bar and made myself sick.

Yes.  I am still a compulsive overeater and always will be.  That is a truth that needs to always be self-evident.

So, what could I have done differently?  What can I do so that I don’t repeat this behavior but still give myself permission to enjoy the occasional small piece of chocolate?  First thing, the chocolate bar gets stored in the fridge.  It was just too easy today to reach into my desk drawer and gobble down another square.  It is more difficult to be compulsive when I have to get up out of my chair, leave my office and walk to the building’s kitchen, reach in, open the bar and break off another piece.  Secondly, I can limit my purchases to a single piece and not buy the bigger bar in the first place.   So, there you go.  Two possible strategies I can employ.  I feel better for having worked through this and I am definitely not beating myself up about the extra chocolate.  Progress not perfection and I already feel back on track.

When I look back on the day, I embrace the experience as a valuable reminder and good lesson.  Above all, I’m grateful for the clarity with which I examined my behavior and processed it.  That’s a huge improvement and I really am better and healthier as a result.