Weighty Matters

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As Sick as Our Secrets

on April 5, 2012

We’re only as sick as our secrets.  That’s something else I learned at OA. The idea is that if we air out these things, chase them out into the light of day, we can break their power over us and head toward healing.  Every once in a while I second guess myself about being as open about things as I’ve been on this blog.  A couple of friends have, in a caring way, asked if I really ought to talk about everything that I share.

When the doubts come, I remind myself that I’m only as sick as my secrets.  If there were OA meetings anywhere near where I live, I’d go and discuss all these things in the rooms.  I’d probably still blog them, but I know for a fact I’d talk.  However, there aren’t any meetings. so this blog is my room.

If the process didn’t feel good, if I didn’t honestly believe that I benefit and grow healthier by sharing, I wouldn’t do it.  Sharing relieves me of more of the shame, every single time.  The secrets diminish in enormity and power.  I become stronger.  This blog is good self-care.

Thank you for being the witnesses that listen to my sharing.  I’m happy that you’re here, even all of you quiet ones who read and don’t comment.  It’s okay.  You’ll speak up if you need or want to.  That’s totally your choice.  Just know that even if you never type a comment, you’re welcome here.

Moving on. 🙂

I had another NSV today.  For the first time, when I looked in the mirror, I saw the weight loss in my face.  I was so surprised that I stopped rubbing in cleanser and stared.  I touched the promise of a cheekbone that I spotted lurking beneath my skin and smiled.

Other than watching the number reduce on my scale and feeling clothes get steadily bigger, I haven’t seen the weight loss — except in my hands and fingers.  This morning was a revelation.  It felt great.  I also know that every morning and every night I’ll look at myself — my growing thinner self — and feel the positive reinforcement of all the effort.   My own image will serve as a terrific reminder that I’m making positive progress.

Love it!


5 responses to “As Sick as Our Secrets

  1. londonmabel says:

    The things I hold back on in my blog are (a) work related, or (b) husband stuff–respecting his privacy. But you seem to have a very supportive work place, so you don’t have to worry about that. And no husbando (unless I missed it!) … yet.

  2. Judie says:

    Congrats on being able to see the weight loss!!

    My mom was an alcoholic and it was the big ‘secret’ that was a burden. My dad took me aside one time and told me it didn’t have to be a secret. After that it was like a weight was lifted from me.

    The support and love that others are willing to give back when we are willing to share is totally amazing. Just knowing that we are not alone in our struggles, for me, helps the most.

  3. pinkpelican says:

    I think we share what we need to share. Each person has different boundaries … different standards for what is acceptable to share, different comfort zone lines, different places where we can push the edges of those comfort zones.

    I talk a lot about my progress & my failings on my facebook page & my blog. For me, part of it is accountability. If I put it up there, then my friends, family, supporters will help keep me on the straight & narrow, just through innocent questions. If I don’t talk about it, it’s easier to sneak an extra snack, because only I know about that. It’s easier to slack on the exercise. it’s easier to make excuses. If I’ve put it out there, I know others are cheering me on, so I have a responsibility not just to myself but to try to live up to their (reasonable!) expectations.

    [as a side note — I did this for myself, for my health, for a long life with family & friends, & admittedly to salve at least a degree of my vanity. Mostly I answer to myself, but I know that my having a decaying quality of life & an early death would also cause pain & sorrow to friends & family, so there IS a responsibility to others in my life. They don’t get to dictate to me, but their support, their love, and their care has been a gift to me and I owe them, as well as myself, my best efforts in this journey. It is for that reason that my accountability to them helps me so much.]

    I have a friend who is starting the process. She tells me part of the reason is seeing my posts, but that she is far too private to ever share like I do … that some of what I share makes her uncomfortable, but she still values it. I’m humbled that anything I posted could help others, but I don’t expect her to do what I do. We each find out own way on this journey.

    I’ve found your comments to be incredibly enlightening. It really highlights that every single person has unique reasons for undergoing this journey; each person has their own demons to battle. I applaud your courage in sharing what you can share, what you feel you need to share. I’m sure there are some things you keep private; despite all my openness, there are a few lines I will not cross, & that’s in part because they involve other people, & those experiences are not solely mine to discuss.

    And huge congratulations on your breakthrough in seeing a visible difference in your face. It is SO incredible when that starts to happen! Yay for you!!!!

  4. nandragonflybetty says:

    Mary, I read this every day–you’re my weight loss inspiration–even though I don’t comment very frequently. Your journey is amazing…you are amazing! Thanks for sharing.

  5. Liz Flaherty says:

    I’m so happy for you. I’ve been following your journey and have done a couple of high-five-YES!!! moves with you. This is a very nice moment.

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