Weighty Matters

As discussed over the weekend, I’ve begun to write down my food for the day first thing in the morning.  By “write down” I mean that I type it into the Notes feature of my iPhone.  I did this yesterday and today and have followed the plan exactly as, well, planned.  It’s a wonderful thing to not deviate.  Even when I opened up a desk drawer and saw the emergency cheese cracker package in there, I didn’t grab them and open them up.  I stayed the course.

It’s amazing that some days can be a constant struggle to stay on track and other days are as easy as breathing.  All in favor of more easy days, please raise your hands.

After a few days of no struggling, I can honestly feel how much I was battling my compulsion in recent weeks.  To great degree it was like someone flicked the switch on my motivation and shut it down.  Now the switch has toggled back to the “On” position and I’m doing better once more.  I know this is not meant to be a sprint, but I don’t like thinking of it as a marathon either.  I want to embrace it as a daily journey and not a race of any length.

That’s an important mindset for me to continually cultivate and reinforce.  My effort doesn’t end when I hit goal weight, whatever weight that ends up to be.  Changing one’s life means transforming ourselves and then maintaining the transformation for the rest of that changed life.

In OA and other 12 Step Programs, we learn that we do this all one day at a time.   Success isn’t about tomorrow, or a week from now.  Two months from now don’t matter as much as right now, today.   For today, I am grateful to have regained my motivation and to have enjoyed several “easier” days.  I abstained from compulsive eating today.  Tomorrow when I wake up, I will commit to abstaining again.

I can do this.  I am rejuvenated.

It’s around 9 p.m. and I’ve effectively completed my second day of the three day detox-cleanse.  (www.doctoroz.com)  I’m finishing off with a last cup of hot green tea and soon will go in for the nightly epsom salt bath that is recommended as part of the program.   The process continues to be a whole lot easier than I expected.  I got up, blended the ingredients for the breakfast drink, and drank it slowly.  Then I went off to another Zumba class.  It’s the first time that I’ve done Zumba two days in a row.  This morning’s class was a “Gold” variety so it was a little less intense but still beneficial.

After my manicure appointment, I lingered over the remainder of yesterday’s lunch drink.  I think it’s deliberate that the mid-day drink has the most solid ingredients.  It really was a lot.  A few hours after lunch, for the “snack” drink, I mixed up a less-packed version of the mid-day recipe, mostly to use up the rest of the green apple before it turned brown.  I got some work done around the house, caught up on some class discussions, and then treated myself to a nap.

Naps can never be overrated.  Since I didn’t sleep later than usual, I consider being able to take a little “lie down” in the afternoon a wonderful treat on a day off from work.  When I woke up, I played with the dogs, then settled in to chat on the phone with a friend and savor the dinner drink.

This all sounds like my day revolved around my food intake, but honestly, it didn’t.  There’s a difference between devising and then executing the plan and constantly obsessing about food.  Trust me, I am a champion obsesser when it comes to food.  I know whereof I speak.  When I am at my best with abstinence, I don’t constantly think about food.  (By abstinence, I mean abstaining from compulsively eating or binge eating.  It doesn’t mean that I’m abstaining from food itself.)

Because I committed to doing this detox, the entire decision process was completed before my first day even began.  I’d read the plan, purchased everything I needed, and only had to execute when I woke up yesterday.  For each liquid meal, I simply had to pull out the right ingredients and follow the recipes, then consume the blended drink.   I didn’t need to figure out before each meal what I was going to have.  I already knew.   The only decision was whether to stick with the plan or not, and I’ve been strong in my commitment.

Those of us who have an eating disorder face a challenge that addicts with other drugs of choice do not.  I think I’ve said this before.  An alcoholic does not need liquor to survive.  Neither does someone hooked on drugs.  When they first get clean, they need to cope with breaking the physical addiction and, God knows, that’s a battle, but once it’s over their choice at any given time is: drink or don’t drink; dope, don’t dope.

Compulsive overeaters do not have that choice.  We have to eat food every day.  Several times a day, for most of us.  In OA, we used to call it letting the beast out of the cage.   Please understand that I’m not minimizing the struggles faced by any other addict.  One addiction isn’t worse or easier than the other.  It’s just different.  My choice with every meal isn’t eat or don’t eat.  It’s “I’m about to eat, but what and how?”

Over the course of a lifetime, some of the diets that I did the best on were the ones that greatly restricted my choices.  Take Optifast, for example, when I didn’t eat solid food.  I just drank the drink.  I did great for a period of time and lost a good chunk of weight — until I stopped and went back to eating actual food.  In college I was on liquid protein for several months.  Noxious, horrible tasting stuff that I knocked back like a shot of liquor.  When that is the only choice, it’s an easy choice to make — until the need to chew something becomes overpowering.

Back in the early 1980s when I lost 100 pounds, I ate real food, but only protein and a half cup of vegetables a day.  I ate so much broiled chicken and turkey that year, it’s amazing that I didn’t cluck or gobble like human poultry.

Okay, I’m digressing.  Sorry.  Back to today and my point.  Doing this detox reintroduced me to the serenity that comes when I don’t have to obsess about my food choices.   My brain has not been under attack by a gagillion thoughts of food.  I’m not beset by cravings for things that I can’t have for these three days.  I can be around foods that aren’t on my plan and ignore them.  I’m not warding off a barrage of “want want want”.

This is so much easier on my mind and emotions.  I’m relaxed and at ease, and I know this is how it must feel most days to people who don’t have eating disorders.  The contrast is staggering.  I realize that for the last couple of months, I’ve been back into obsession mode.  No wonder I’ve had trouble.  When I think so much and so often about food, it wears down my resolve and makes me susceptible to the cravings.  Then, nearly unconsciously, I’m working in a few carbs here, a little extra serving there.

Since I can’t always live on a liquid diet of blended fruits and veggies and, honestly, don’t want to, I really thought about this.  I’ve been good over the last 9 or 10 months about having the foods I can eat readily available.  I make lists for the grocery store.  I take my lunch to work.  These are all good, effective tools.

I started thinking about the years when I first went to OA.  I didn’t “diet” per se, but I followed a food plan.   Every morning, I wrote down what I would eat that day.  I physically created the plan and committed to it that morning.  As long as I followed the plan, I could count myself as having been “abstinent” that day.  I believe that made the difference.  By writing down the plan in the morning, I determined my choices.  From that point on, I didn’t have to think about different foods.  I only had to execute the plan.  Without consciously dieting or eliminating specific foods, by following that practice one day at a time, I lost 50 pounds.

I haven’t been doing that step.  I’ve logged foods into My Fitness Plan after eating so that I could track calories, protein, carbs, etc.  However, that’s not the same thing and doesn’t have the same effectiveness.

Allow me a moment for a eureka, “a ha” moment.   I’m going back to thinking about my progress in terms of abstinence.  I get to count yesterday and today because I have the printed plan from Dr. Oz in front of me and have been following it.  That represents having it written down.  So, I have now been abstinent for two days.  I will follow the plan again tomorrow.  Starting Sunday, before I eat or drink anything, I will write down my food plan for the day.  Although I will have a wider variety of foods from which to choose, I will plan each food choice and not deviate.

This works for me.  Even with more variety, the choice becomes “be abstinent or not”.  Believe me, that’s easier than, “what food when”.   That guards against my own compulsion and relieves me of obsession.  This paves the way for serenity.  With serenity comes greater success.

In a short while I’ll pull out the ingredients to make up the “dinner” drink on the detox cleanse plan.  For those of you who haven’t seen the Dr. Oz thing, there are three different drinks consumed each of the three days.  All have combinations of fruit and vegetables along with other ingredients like coconut water, coconut oil, almond butter, almond milk and flax seed.  Not all of the ingredients are in each drink.  The recipes vary.

The morning drink was pretty and good.  The lunch drink was very green and, holy wow, a lot!  Even spreading it out with sips over an hour I couldn’t finish it all.  My stomach just won’t handle the volume, despite it being liquid.  Four stalks of celery, half a green apple, a cucumber, a cup of pineapple and some kale — even liquified, that’s too much.  I finally gave up and put the rest of it into the fridge for tomorrow.  Tonight I’m going to reevaluate the ingredients and see if I want to do slightly less than the amount called for.  I might even leave out the quarter of an avocado since avocado is not among my favorite foods.

So, for today, I’ve had two cups of green tea and two healthy, generous smoothies.   I could have had three at this point since we’re allowed an afternoon snack smoothie but, honestly, I wasn’t hungry.  I’m sure that I’ll be satisfied with the dinner drink.  Calorie wise I’ll hit around 900 for the day and, unlike the way that I usually eat, I’ll be higher in carbs and sugar because of the fruit, and lower on my protein.

In no way would I plan to follow this for any more than three days.  I need more protein.  However, it is a detox cleanse so that plant matter has a job to do.

I went to Zumba class this morning, which means that I’ll pretty much be at a net of 0 or negative calories for the day too.   I probably should have consulted the doctor before deciding to try this but, again, three days aren’t going to kill me and if it ultimately does my system good and resets my metabolism, so much the better.

Here’s the key thing that I realized this afternoon when I was savoring that green smoothie.   I wasn’t obsessing about these drinks and being limited to them for the entire day.  I wasn’t hungry and I didn’t experience cravings.  I didn’t sip smoothies and fantasize about grilled rib eye or crisp, perfectly salted french fries.  I didn’t dream of turkey, stuffing, mashed rutabagas, gravy and pumpkin pie with whipped cream.

When I realized that I wasn’t obsessing, I immediately wondered, “Why the hell not?”   I am pretty motivated to follow my food plan and move ever closer to my weight loss goals.  However, on a daily basis I experience either physical, mental or emotional cravings for foods that are definitely not on the plan.  That happens on days when I have more choices.  If I bring yogurt to work for lunch, invariably I wish for something crunchy, crisp and savory.  If I prepare that perfectly seasoned, grilled piece of rib eye for dinner, I can’t help but think that a baked potato would go great with it right then.

So why was today different?  I’m not done pondering, but here are some possibilities.  I geared up for this detox.  It was a big switch from normal routine.  I got it in my head last week that I wanted to do it, even talked about it with a friend, and planned it out.   It’s kind of like last January, two weeks before my weight loss surgery, when I had to go on the “full liquid” diet.

What’s similar about the two events?  The only things I can think of are that they’re both liquid plans for set amount of time.

Maybe this is why the recent weeks of my “normal” food plan have been more challenging.  I’ve been following that plan for several months now and whether it’s boredom or something else, I don’t wake up every day with the same “Let’s do it” attitude.  This is disturbing since I still have a good chunk of weight to lose.  Now is not the time to slow my progress.  I know that, eventually, I’ll transition to a maintenance plan where more carbs are included but, until then, I need to be vigilant.

Further pondering reminds me that it’s also normal for the super fast pace of weight loss to slow a little as the body grows more accustomed to the routine, so I shouldn’t beat myself up about this.  Goal-motivated people need rewards and if the returns have diminished a little on my effort, it’s harder to maintain the super motivation.

Here’s my happy realization for the day.  I can still do it.  Clearly if I’d lost all drive and desire, I wouldn’t have gotten through today.  I’d have grabbed a cracker or piece of cheese or something.   So, I’ve learned something important that reassures me because, honestly, I was getting a little worried.

Maybe in addition to cleansing my body, these three days will also clean my head.  If I can gear up for a three day liquid smoothie detox, I can gear up again for a protein-loaded/miniscule-carb food plan.   When I’m back to eating meals and not drinking them, I’m going to remember that I absolutely can resist cravings and stick to the plan.  The motivation switch has not toggled to “Off” in a locked position.

I had another follow up appointment with my surgeon today.  Overall, it’s hard not to consider the visit a downer.

Disclaimer:  Even though I’ve come a long way and made a lot of progress resolving the negative impact of diseased thinking, sometimes the thoughts still rally.  I need to process this out here on the blog.

Anyway, in the last month and a half, the rate of my weight loss has slowed.  I’m still losing, but not as rapidly as before.  My body is changing for the better, as evidenced by the amount of inches I’ve lost and the increased muscle tone.   I’m wearing sizes smaller than I’ve worn in nearly 30 years.  My BMI has dropped more than 12 points.

Even the doctor told me that I’m doing a fantastic job. . . but the weight loss has slowed.  I like the doctor.  He’s warm, open and honest.  He doesn’t scold but he does tell it like it is.  I’ve done great so far but I still have a big chunk of pounds to go and it’s going to get harder as time goes on.  The first year of losing after surgery is easier than the second.

We went over my food plan and what I’ve been eating.  I still focus on protein first.   Yes, I’ve added in some small amounts of carbohydrates here and there, but I honestly am not gorging out on bread, potatoes, rice, crackers and other empty carbs.  I don’t go out and drink wine every night.  Once every few weeks, maybe, and even then only a glass if that much.

I thought I was doing really well.  Goodness knows, I’m eating less food than ever before and what I eat is healthier.   Apparently I can do better.  According to the doctor, I could be rigorously careful about my food intake, have a single glass of wine, and slow whatever progress I’d made for the week.

While waiting for the doctor, I picked up a magazine in the waiting room.  An article for bariatric surgery patients by a nutritionist talked about the honeymoon period.  I guess my particular honeymoon is over.  Not that anything about the process has been easy, but it’s time for me to accept that it’s going to be harder than it was for the first seven or eight months.

So, here’s the plan.  Keep accentuating the positive parts of what I’m doing.  Eat quality protein and make that the priority of every meal and snack.  Remind myself that the small amounts of carbs that I occasionally eat need to be even smaller and less frequent than occasional.  Continue exercising.  (My doctor was honestly impressed about the different things I’m doing — Zumba, Tai Chi, bridge walks, etc.)

Also important is to not beat myself up about the current slow down.  It is what it is, or should that be it was what it was?

I know that I could keep going the way that I’m going but, to be honest, I want the weight to come off quicker.  Maybe that’s greedy, but I’m on a roll.  I want to get to goal sooner rather than later.  That’s my plan.  That’s my choice.

Rereading what I just wrote, I feel better than I did when I left my doctor’s appointment.  Call it a gut check, but it was important for me to go over everything in my mind and, pardon the pun, weigh the different factors.   This falls under the heading of something I learned in OA — this is a program that demands rigorous honesty.  If I don’t clearly look at everything and honestly assess my choices and behavior, I’m not going to be successful in the long run.

This isn’t just about what happened today or last week or over the last nine months.  This is about the rest of my life.  One day at a time, that’s going to go on for quite a while.  I want it to be the best that it can be.

On the drive home from Miami, I was listening to the all Springsteen station, E Street Radio, on Sirius/XM.  The evening host invited listeners to call in and share their favorite lyrics from Bruce songs.  I could play that game all day.  For my own entertainment I called the number, retrying several times.  Suddenly, instead of a busy signal, the phone actually rang.  A production assistant answered, asked me my name and where I was calling from and what song I wanted to talk about.  He then asked me to hold.  It’s a good thing that I have unlimited minutes because I was on hold for about 40 minutes.  This gave me a lot of time to listen to good music and think about the lyrics I would talk about when the host finally came on the line.

My all-time favorite Bruce song is Thunder Road.  It’s the song that made me a Springsteen fan back in 1975 when I was 17.  The lines I focused on are, “So you’re scared and you’re thinking that maybe we ain’t that young any more.  Show a little faith, there’s magic in the night.”  I realized that when I was 17, that song and those lines were an invitation.  They urged me to gather my courage and jump into the adventure of life.

Today, I’m closing in on 55.  The song that was once an invitation is now a reminder to continue to be brave and jump into the adventure of life.  Maybe I’m not that young any more but I can, and should, still live my life to its fullest.

That’s my plan.  That’s my choice.

We’re doing corporate initiative days at work.  We have an excellent coach — a woman who has worked for the United Nations, mediated disputes between warring religious factions — seriously, she’s brilliant.  Today’s workshop provided tools for time and stress management.  In it she touched on some cognitive behavior therapy tools.  I know some of you are really familiar with CBT.  I have only a slight nodding acquaintance with it, but I can tell you that today I found it really interesting.

We talked about Trigger Thoughts and how those thoughts spark feelings which lead to actions/behaviors and so on.   Some of our Trigger Thoughts are about others, but often we focus on ourselves.  For an example, when I’m really busy I might think, “I just can’t take on one more thing.  I can’t handle it.”  That thought might trigger a stressed out feeling as I get anxious about what I’m supposed to do or should be doing or the thing that I don’t feel I can handle, etc.”  The tool the coach suggested us to develop is to create a Replacement Thought instead.  Then, even if we have to repeat the replacement thought over and over again, we can create, or trigger, a different feeling to lead to a more positive action.

I spent time today thinking about this process and how I might apply it to my recovery.  Sometimes I still get the old “believing I’m not good enough” (B.I.N.G.E.) thoughts although, thankfully, they are fewer and much farther apart than ever before in my life.   Old, diseased thoughts lead to me feeling down and negative and those feelings can trigger the desire to inappropriately eat.   I think it’s a good idea for me to develop strong replacement thoughts for BINGE thinking.  Instead of believing that I’m deficient or don’t measure up, I can use the replacement thought of, “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and, doggone it, people like me.”  (Pardon the gratuitous Stuart Smalley reference.)

Seriously, this is good stuff, replacing negative thoughts and attitudes with positive, can do, spirit.  My attitude can either propel me to win whatever challenge or situation I face, or it can stop me dead before I’m even out of the starting gate.

This doesn’t mean it’s all easy.   If I don’t move fast, I can rip right through the emotions and eat before I have time to put on my own brakes.  I think it’s extremely important to spot the Trigger thought and quickly replace it before I let it root in my emotions. That’s how I give myself a fighting chance.

The coach reminded us that we need to practice new tools at least 21 times for them to really sink into our repetoire.  This is my goal for the next month:  Identify and be aware of Trigger thoughts and how they kick off negative emotions.  Replace the Trigger thoughts with ones that are positive.  When all is said and done, don’t eat because of thoughts and feelings.