Weighty Matters

I went to see the movie Magic Mike over the weekend.  I’ll cop to being shallow enough to enjoy spending some time looking at sexy men with great physiques showing off their mostly naked bodies.

Anyway, I wasn’t expecting a movie with a deep, involved storyline, so I was pleasantly surprised that it had more depth than I expected.  I was having a pleasant enough time at the theater until somewhere in the middle.   One of the actors portraying male strippers is Joe Manganiello, who also places Alcide on True Blood, which is one of my favorite shows.   I’ve seen enough of his body on TB to know it’s a prime one.  He’s 6’5″, over 200 pounds, and clearly very strong.  In True Blood and in this movie, he’s done his fair share of hoisting women up in his arms.  In fact, in a recent TB episode, he not only hoisted Sookie so that her legs were wrapped around his waist, but he walked up a flight of stairs carrying her in that position.

In Magic Mike, after showing various dancers pick up, carry and otherwise demonstrate that they were obviously strong enough to tote slender women, the movie’s action showed a woman who was carrying a few extra pounds being escorted to the stage.

Two guys walked her up onto the stage to Manganiello’s character.     He picked her up.  She wrapped her legs around his waist.  He held her there with his hands under her butt and then he flinched like he’d strained his lower back.  He put her down and walked stiffly from the stage, not finishing his act.  That left the poor woman up on stage, looking around awkwardly and embarrassed in front of the crowd.

I’m not great at assessing someone else’s weight, but she was far from obese.  I’m pretty sure that she weighed less than 200 pounds.  Whatever the case, I’d bet real money that Joe Manganiello bench presses more than her weight on a regular basis.

This scene was completely unnecessary and totally manufactured to make people laugh — at the chubby woman.  Gotta tell you, perhaps I was the only woman in the audience who got pissed off by the scene, but not a single woman in that theater laughed.

This kind of thing is nothing new.  Maybe there aren’t a lot of “big hunk throws out back lifting chunky woman” scenes, but I’m sure we all remember numerous scenes throughout television shows and movies where people who were slightly, or a lot, overweight were fodder for ridicule.  They became the brunt of jokes.

Am I oversensitive to this topic?  I’m sure that I am, but that doesn’t change the facts.  Making fun of overweight people is mean.  It’s also unnecessary.  Surely any writer or filmmaker can dig deeper to create humor.  They don’t need to take cheap shots.

Different friends have given me much to think about this week.  Skye discussed how we tell the stories of our lives and how we view ourselves in those stories.  Tracey got me pondering about all the times I’ve lost weight in the past only to eventually backslide  and put it all — and more — back on.  I’m not sure if I set that pattern simply because I have a disease called compulsive overeating or whether I self-sabotage or have some other unclear reason.

I’m going to need to deeply ponder these things for a while.  I don’t have answers yet.  Why then, you might ask, did I title this post Clear Thinking?  That I  can answer.   When I’m deep in the disease of compulsive overeating and binging like crazy, it’s a struggle to think clearly about anything.  The food and the behavior muddle my mind.  They create so many negative feelings and thoughts, that navigating my way through the mental sludge to reach any clarity is nearly impossible.

Now that my head and heart aren’t confuzzled by overeating, I’m largely free of diseased thinking.  Sure, I occasionally slip back, but there’s a world of difference between then and now.   It’s like I polished up my thought process and can view things as they are, unaltered by the smears and cloudiness caused by overeating behavior.

It’s fabulous to be able to think clearly.  Clear thinking leads to greater awareness and, also, clear action.   I’m sure this is why I’ve been able to write so much here on the blog.

Hopefully, as I continue to make progress, I’ll be able to delve even deeper into my issues.  This will serve me well in the days, weeks, and months ahead.  Believe it or not, but getting thinner doesn’t eradicate every issue.  In fact, it will no doubt uncover ones that I haven’t needed to face in decades.  I’ll need clear thinking even more.

I owe the title of this blog to Skye.  She said it first in her comment on yesterday’s blog.   Making a choice is a power move.  I love this and the strength inherent in its simple truth.

When I think of the worst times of compulsive overeating and binging, I remember feeling completely out of control and helpless to stop.  I know that, at the heart of things, it was my choice to pick up food and shove it into my mouth, but it didn’t feel like it.  The disease seemed much more powerful.

The times that I successfully avoided over eating required conscious choice too, and those were the power moves.  At least, they were the moves when I felt powerful, versus overpowered by the compulsion.

I’m coming up on a year from when I made the decision to pursue weight loss surgery.  That decision came after a couple of years of doing nothing proactive to help my health.  Again, somewhere along the way I chose to do nothing.  This all leads me to believe that there are passive choices and active choices.

I prefer the active.  Those are the ones that feel like they restore positive power to me and get or keep me moving in the right direction.   Passive acts, letting things roll over me while I live in an unhealthy state of mind, body and spirit, suck away power and light.

Today, I lived within the power of my ability to make positive choices.  I chose to plan my meals and then chose to consume them as planned.  I chose to change into a bathing suit and work out in the pool after work.  I chose to eat a healthy snack instead of something that would fill me with empty calories of no real nutritional value.

We have a great corporate coach at work.  She says that every single day we can make a conscious choice about our attitude and approach to our lives.  She suggest we make that choice before our feet hit the floor.  Somedays, it’s hard to reach for the great attitude, particularly if you’re in the midst of challenging times on any level.  On those days, even if we aren’t feeling it, I think it’s acceptable to “fake it until we make it”.  We can act as if the day is going to shine like a perfectly cut, polished diamond.  We can make that choice.

Making a choice is a power move.  Thanks for that, Skye!

Tonight I feel pretty damn powerful.

Yesterday I took my own advice and really celebrated my own happiness.  For me, this took the form of doing things that I enjoy.  It greatly pleased me to go to Tai Chi class in the morning and then spend an hour filling my planters with flowers.  I totally love that bright teacup design.  I can’t wait for the second planter to arrive.

After planting yesterday, I jumped into the pool for some exercise and also pool cleaning.  My little pool makes me happy.  I love being able to go in to exercise or relax whenever I want.  After that activity, I showered and headed down to Key West (about an hour away) for a little shopping.   You know those folks who find it recreational and fun to browse in malls for hours on end?  I’m not one of them.  I really have to be in the mood and have specific goals.  Yesterday,  I wanted to visit Pier One in search of a small table for the porch.   I also wanted to shop a store that had a good selection of sneakers/walking shoes.

The last couple of times that I’ve purchased sneakers online, I haven’t been happy.  I wear a 10 EE and even when the manufacturer specifies that they do wide-widths, the womens’ styles end up crowding my toes.  It is very difficult to walk any distance or do any extended activity if your toenails hurt!  There isn’t much difference in style between the footwear made for men or women, so I thought it was a good idea to visit an actual store and try on different pairs before buying.  The salesperson was very helpful, although he really wanted me to at least try the electric day-glo yellow walking shoes.  He finally accepted that I wasn’t, in his words, “feeling them” and brought me a few other styles.  I walked around the store in each pair before finally settling.  Mission accomplished!

Traveling on to Pier One in the next shopping plaza down the road, I spotted a charming, colorful, sort of funky woven table with a large woven daisy in the center.  The decorating scheme for my porch has swiftly become eclectic.  Nothing matches in style or color, but somehow it’s all going to work — from the eggplant finish of the plantation-style chair and ottoman to the white Adirondack style rocker to the (once it finally arrives) off-white wicker loveseat with the midnight blue cushions.  All of these, remember, sit on a porch recently painted deep blue in contrast to the lavender of the house itself with the bright white columns and railing.   If all of the elements together don’t qualify for a layout feature in Outdoor Living Designs Magazine, I don’t care.  The pieces are comfortable and they make me happy.

While in Pier One, I wandered around just for fun.  They really stock a lot of whimsical items.   A set of china measuring cups caught my eye.  I don’t need them for cooking, but I immediately thought that they would make great, small cups for me to eat from.  I can measure my portion and serve myself in the same piece!  Next to them on the shelf sat an adorable deep purple-blue berry colander.  When I buy berries, I don’t immediately wash the entire container.  I rinse what I want as I’m ready to eat them, so having a smaller colander, rather than always pulling out one of my bigger ones is a perfect idea.  Did I absolutely need this thing?  No, but between the cuteness, color and potential functionality it made me smile, so I bought that too.

Just look at these things.  Who could resist?

A little while ago, I spooned low fat yogurt into the 1/3 cup measure and sliced up the berries for a snack.   I know it would have tasted just as good in a plain white ramekin, but my overall pleasure was increased because it looked so darn pretty in the little flower bowl.

After I finished shopping, I met up with a friend who lives in Key West.  We then picked up another friend who’d just flown in.  My friend Em has heard me speak about wanting to find restaurants that serve small portions of really flavorful food.  She suggested we go to dinner at a place in town that serves a Tapas-style menu.  My friends, this experience was so terrific, I now fervently wish someone would open a similar place in my town.  The menu offerings were amazing!  Three or four soups and several salads, which the server said were large so one was usually shared by a party.  Then they had at least 15 cold tapas offerings including an exotic cheese platter, hummus plate, different veggies and many other things.  The hot tapas selection was even greater.  I didn’t count the choices, but there were at least 20, maybe 25, representing many different cuisines.

Everything sounded absolutely delicious and it took awhile for me to narrow it down.  I finally decided on two, knowing that I wouldn’t finish them, but craving the opportunity to try a variety.  For my first plate, I chose dates stuffed with goat cheese, wrapped in proscuitto.  Pardon me while I sound like a Food Network chef, but the crisp saltiness of the proscuitto paired with the chewy sweetness of the date and the creamy tang of the melting goat cheese combined for a small, flavorful bite of joy.  There were six on the plate, of which I ate three.  For my second choice, I opted for herb crusted beef tenderloin with a topping of melted bleu cheese.  Picture a small round filet mignon sliced crosswise into thirds  and you’ll have an idea of the portion size.  It was a tender, perfect medium-rare serving with delicate herbs and just enough bleu cheese for extra flavor depth.  I savored the three bites that I ate after the three dates.  I had a bite of my friend’s croquetta and was full.   The only thing better than that tapas meal was knowing that I could take home the rest of the meat and dates to enjoy a second time!

My friends and I chatted, laughed and thoroughly savored our meal.  It was such an enjoyable evening.  I found myself smiling about it for most of my ride home.

After a leisurely morning sitting on the porch with a cup of tea, the Sunday newspaper and my dogs, I ventured out to do my food shopping for the next few days.  I’m trying a recipe in the slow cooker with chicken breasts, low cal honey barbeque sauce and fresh pineapple.   I’ve noticed that if I eat chicken, it has to be really, really moist or I have problems.  My friend told me about this dish and swears that the chicken is fall-apart tender, so we’ll see.   On my way to the supermarket, I stopped by Home Depot for two bright planters for my gardenia bush and my small Meyer Lemon tree.  Yes, more color for the porch! I finished repotting a short time ago.

It’s the middle of the afternoon and I’ve completed the things I really wanted to do on my Sunday.  The Phillies are playing the Braves and TBS is carrying the game, so I have a chance to see my Phils in action.  (They’re having a horrible year, but I still love being able to watch a game.)  I’m going to pick up my sequinning, settle into the recliner and watch the rest of the game.   It will be one more way to make myself happy on what has, so far, been a really terrific weekend.

I went to a massage therapist/intuitive healer yesterday.  I clench my jaw and grind my teeth at night and am supposed to wear a night guard.  I usually don’t mind it except that for the last several months I’ve had to use the CPAP machine at night.  Even though the mask for that is relatively small, wearing the mask and the night guard bothers me.  So, I stopped wearing the guard which isn’t good for my  mouth and teeth.  *le sigh*

Hopefully when the pulmonologist sees how much weight I’ve lost at my followup appointment in August he’ll schedule another sleep study and we’ll find out that I no longer need the CPAP.  (Maybe I’m getting my hopes up too soon but it’s possible!)  Until then, I need to do something about the clenched jaw.  The dental hygenist suggested I see a massage therapist, so I did.  The woman is amazing.  Before she does any work, she does hands on reading of energy, muscles, etc.  She then proceeded to work on my head, neck and mouth for an hour.  I could feel tight muscles loosen up and go soft.  She also suggested that I stick my tongue between my teeth and lips when I go to sleep and see if that prevents my jaw from clamping down.

During the treatment she asked me what I obsess over before I go to sleep that results in the tension.   Most nights I don’t.  Unlike some rougher times in my life, I don’t have chronic, ever lingering anxiety.  I get tense over some situations.  If something upsetting or annoying happened during the day I might still focus on that with repetitive thought or replay conversations in my mind.  The massage therapist and I both observed how quickly we go to what might be wrong and look for the negative.

I observed that it would be great if we more often obsessed over what’s right.   I’ve been obsessing over this idea ever since. 🙂

I have a happy life.  I recognize and appreciate this every day and don’t go around waiting for the sky to fall or something else to happen to mess up things and take away my happiness.  However, today I’m musing over whether I should stop acting like happiness is commonplace  and do more to celebrate its presence in my life.

Over on Reinventing Fabulous, Sundays are usually given to sharing things that made us happy during the week.  That’s a good start because the exercise helps us connect to those moments or events.

Happiness should not be taken for granted.    I’ve come to believe that it deserves to be nurtured.  Just like dwelling in negativity can breed more of the same, happiness begets more happiness.  I’m going to make it a point to celebrate good things

Today I’m going to experiment with obsessing over what’s right and celebrate my happy life.  It’s already a good day.  I enjoyed Tai Chi class this morning.  The rain clouds have passed and I have several plants in the car ready to be arranged in planters.  I ordered an quirky, adorable planter that’s shaped like a brightly colored teacup.  (I have another teacup planter also on order but it hasn’t arrived yet.)  Just the planter makes me smile and I can’t wait to see it with the flowering plants I bought a short time ago.  I have another planter for the pool deck and a flowering shrub that I’m going to plant beneath some palm trees.  I love flowers!  Right now I have a small arrangement of peachy-pink roses on the table in front of me.  Once I finish planting, I’ll have brightly colored flowers inside and out.  That’s a hit of happy I’ll enjoy day after day.  When I’m done I’ll take pictures and share my happiness here.  That will be another form of celebration.

Enjoy your day, everyone.   Look for what’s right and spend some time obsessing over it.  Celebrate what makes you happy!

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Edited to add pictures.  I wish I’d found a whiskey barrel planter that was a bit taller, but this is still fine.  It will also be easier to move in case of a storm event later this season.  I totally love my funky tea cup planter.  Another one that’s patterned like a French postcard is due today or Monday.  I go outside, look at them and smile.

. . . that I’m really hard on myself sometimes.   I’m sort of a sporadic perfectionist.  Marti, who comments here sometimes, and I have known each other about 50 years.  She has said that I’m a type-A personality.  I don’t normally cite Wikipedia as a valid source, but this appears to be a pretty accurate description of Type A:  “. . .ambitious, rigidly organized, highly status conscious, can be sensitive, care for other people, are truthful, impatient, always try to help others, take on more than they can handle, want other people to get to the point, proactive, and obsessed with time management. People with Type A personalities are often high-achieving “workaholics” who multi-task, push themselves with deadlines, and hate both delays and ambivalence.”

Type B people are supposedly the “. . . perfect contrast to those with Type A personalities. People with Type B personalities are generally apathetic, patient, relaxed, easy-going, no sense of time schedule, having poor organization skills, and at times lacking an overriding sense of urgency.

Based on this I’m more A- / B+.  I can be very laid back and procrastinate with the best or worst of them.  I’m organized in my own fashion when it comes to tasks and projects, but my office overfloweth with piles of unfiled papers.  Status conscious?  Not so much.  Low resistance for dithering — absolutely.  Apathetic?  Rarely. High achiever — at least in the workforce.  And so on and so on.

I do know that I have more patience with someone else’s screw ups than I do with my own.  It’s like it’s okay for someone else to be human and make mistakes, but I don’t tolerate it so much in myself.  I’ve written before about my less than stellar performance in college, but when I graduated and went to work I was super responsible, productive and driven to be the best copywriter that radio station had ever hired.

Even before that, when I was a teenager and we had some issues at home with ill grandparents, my mom developing alcoholism, and other stuff, I had the reputation as a champion coper.  No matter what, I could handle it.

I’m proud of the job that I do and always, always, always want to do it to the best of my ability — and I consider my ability to be pretty high up the scale.

So it puzzles me how I could not drive myself to achieve a healthy weight for most of my life.    I wonder if, deep in my subconscious, overeating became my outlet.  Perhaps when I was a teenager, instead of always being proud that I could cope so well, my folks should have stopped and said, “But is it fair to ask her to cope with so much?”

On top of the Type-Aish overachieving stuff, remember that I also battled horrid body image and low self-esteem.  I think to some extent, I used overeating and being fat as a way to invalidate myself.   It occurs to me that the self-esteem issue made it a challenge to accept my strengths, creative abilities, and successes.  The same time that I was working so hard to measure up, inside a fearful side of me worked to demonstrate that I never would manage the task.

Thinking too highly or too little of ourselves isn’t healthy.  Balance and objectivity about our qualities — both positive and negative — keeps us on an even keel.  It’s good to take responsibility in appropriate measures, but harmful to beat ourselves up over less than optimal results or situations.  I’m not saying that we should be egotistical and arrogant, but at some point in our lives we should own that which is fabulous about ourselves.

Several years ago, I was introduced to a quote by Marianne Williamson.  (At the time, it was attributed to Nelson Mandela.)  It reads:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

It occurs to me that I need to study on this some more and find that balance.   It’s okay to be imperfect.  It’s perfectly okay to not beat ourselves up over it.