Weighty Matters

I was talking with a friend on the phone today.  She’s in the middle of a divorce.  Another friend of ours was just asked for a divorce.  These are painful, difficult times for them.  All I can do is send up love, virtual hugs, and as much encouragement and positive energy as I can.

In the phone conversation my friend told me that her husband is acting harsh, saying mean and hurtful things.  I said to her, “After so many years of marriage, he knows where to aim.  He knows what to say to emotionally hurt you the most..”

Shortly after the phone call, I logged onto Facebook.  There’s an article making the rounds that gives women solid practical how to act and react if someone comes after you.  The gist of the advice was how not to look vulnerable.

Consequently, vulnerability is much on my mind today.  I’ve lived on my own for so long and I’m pretty practiced at how to protect myself, be aware of my surroundings, look like I’d be more trouble to attack than a potential mugger or rapist would want to deal with.  That’s pretty much all external.  Inside, I’m as vulnerable to being hurt as I ever was.  I’m a curious mix of toughness and sensitivity.  I can shrug off a lot of bull crap from people who don’t mean anything to me, but put me in conflict with a someone I care about and it will hit me hard.

When I’ve been in a relationship for a while, I do my best to be open-hearted, although I know that I guard myself to some extent.  Yet, even with that guardedness, when the relationships have ended, my heart has ached and I’ve cried over the loss.

Maybe it was being around so many good looking men in uniform this weekend, or just a logical progression as my body, weight, and emotional self-esteem about my own attractiveness and body improve, but I’ve been thinking a bit more about the possibility of dipping a toe back into the dating pool.   I’m not ready to walk to the end of the plank diving board, leap off in a beautiful swan dive and plunge in, but I’m considering.

I’m a bit apprehensive.  Part of me thinks, “You’re 55.  Why bother now?”  (Yep, I turn 55 tomorrow.)  Another part of me thinks, “You’re 55.  Why not now?”  Still another part of me thinks, “Is it time for a snack?”

It’s hard to willingly open up the vulnerable parts of ourselves, take a chance and risk getting hurt again.  Then again, faint heart never won anybody anything or anyone.

I don’t have to decide today.  I don’t need to rush to join an online dating service or start going out more often to see what options might be swimming in local waters.  I guess all I need to do, just for today, is be open to thinking about it.

It’s only January 2nd, but I am already having a great year.  My spirit is infused with an amazing optimism and enthusiasm.  Now that I was down and dispirited before, but there’s just something special about right now.

I was reminded of an 12 Step credo to live one day at a time.  This is so helpful when dealing with all of the normal, and not so normal, every day craziness of life.  No matter how calm, laid back, or even-keeled you might be, someday, some time, something’s going to happen that throws you off.  There have been times when I felt absolutely overwhelmed to the point that even thinking about needing to cope felt nearly impossible.  when that happened, remembering that I only had to deal one day at a time was a lifesaver.  I could tell myself that, just for today I needed to do x, y, or z.

I got into a mindset a while ago when I was really tired of my food plan.  I knew that I didn’t want to stop losing weight and switch to maintenance yet, but I had trouble getting over the tiredness, the boredom, the inner brat that didn’t want to do it any more, and so on.   While I don’t exactly know yet what to name as a goal weight, I know I’m not there yet.  I have a way to go so continuing to lose matters.  I geared myself up to be really rigorous about my food plan as soon as I got home from my holiday travels.  I was super-psyched to get home and see that I had successfully maintained my weight through the holiday eating.  I stuck to my commitment and have since lost three pounds!

I sort of have a number in mind for what I’d like to weigh when I go to Hawaii next month, but I’m not obsessing over it.  Instead, I wake up each morning and remind myself that I need to be rigorous about my food plan just for today.  Tomorrow isn’t under consideration.  Just today.   I can string together a whole bunch of great days — one day at a time.  Doing so keeps me on a steady, successful journey.

Got anything you’re obsessing about, worried over, freaking out about and wondering how you’ll handle it in the long run?  Try breaking it down to today.  What can you do today to address the situation?  What can you do differently, perhaps, that will make you feel better today.  You don’t need to worry how long we can keep it up, or if we can continue.  We only have to promise it to ourselves just for today.

I guess yesterday’s clothing purge began the “Out with the Old” portion of my end-of-year activities.  Tonight, I tried something new — a mamey sapote.  It’s a native Mexican fruit that I’d never  heard of until last month.  I heard of it for the first time last month and I’m glad I heard someone say that its delicious because I’d have passed right over it in a produce section.  The fruit is shaped like a small football with a bark-like outer skin.  Definitely not the most visually appealing food until you cut it open and see the dark salmon-colored flesh.  The texture is sort of like a very ripe avocado.  It tastes sweet and unlike any other fruit I can think of.

Not to go all Food Network chef on you, but the mouth feel of the mamey is luxurious and pairs well with the yummy taste.  I ate a few spoonfuls and then put the rest in a bowl for future enjoyment.  I then went on line to read about it, of course.  Turns out the mamey is high in Vitamins A and C, potassium and dietary fiber.  There are 20 mg of sugar in a cup.  Considering that I ate about 1/4 of a cup, that’s not bad at all!  I liked it so much, I think I’m going to try it in a smoothie tomorrow, too.

So, it’s New Year’s Eve, counting down the end of 2012, unless you live on the other side of the International Dateline, in which case you’re already in 2013.  I had a couple of invitations to go out to open houses and parties but I opted for a quiet night at home with the dogs.   I might still be awake at midnight for the big ball drop.  (A good friend works for Waterford Crystal.  They make the ball for Times Square every year.  I found out tonight that most of the crystals used each year are salvaged and reused, but new ones are always added.)

I stopped making resolutions several years ago, mostly because I always seemed to set myself up for failure.  Like a self-fulfilling prophecy, I’d flunk out on the resolutions I’d made and end up feeling lousy.  That’s no way to live a happy, productive life.   This year, I’m trying something new.  I’ve written down some suggestions and things that I’d like to work on in the days ahead.  Instead of sharply defining these things, I’ve made them more broad-based.  So, you won’t see me say that I’m going to walk two miles every day or that I’m going to drink 80 ounces of fluids each day.  I’m not pledging to lose 20 pounds before I go to Hawaii.

I don’t have an extensive list to begin 2013.  Like my Promise List, I prefer to check-in with myself on a regular basis and adjust as needed.   Here’s what I did come up with for starters.

I intend to practice my Tai Chi, including the foundation moves, at home more often than I’ve been doing.

I’m going to drink more fluids each day than I have been.

I’m going to continue exercising the way that I have been, stepping up as I get more fit.  I need to get in more work on my arms and butt, too.

As much as I hate keeping a food log, I’m going to write down my food at some point every day.  (This is one of the rare, specific “every day” plans.)  Ideally, I’ll write my food plan first thing in the morning.  If the day’s circumstances mean I can’t do that, or if I deviate, I will faithfully enter the details in My Fitness Plan.

I’m going to tackle The Room of Hopeless Clutter, step by step, and finally clear it.  The rest of my house is nice and tidy.  This room is in horrible shape.  Here.  Look for yourself.   

Seriously horrible, isn’t it?  I wasn’t kidding.  Those boxes against the window hold new copies of my two books.  When my publisher put them out of print, they offered me as many copies as I wanted for a very low price, plus shipping.  I bought many, thinking I’d eventually sell them at conferences and conventions.  This was before the e-pub explosion.  Now I figure these will never sell.  I should probably recycle most of the boxes.  That will probably happen this year.

I wish I could figure out how to get all of the text below the photos but WordPress isn’t cooperating at the moment.

On to more suggestions on what I’d like to aim for in 2013.

I want to work with my dogs more than I did this last year.  In improving myself, I didn’t focus on them as much as I should.  Thankfully, they’re reaping some benefit from my increased walking.  That’s something that will definitely continue.  I’m not saying it’s their favorite activity, but it’s good for all of us.  I get bored walking by myself, even with music.

Other suggestions include experiencing more of the things that are on my Promise List, continuing to practice good self-care with medical appointments, skin care, wearing sun block, and treating myself to things I enjoy like facials and therapeutic massages.

Then there’s a category for “Things I Might Like to Try But Am Not Definitely Committing to at This Time”.  Let’s put Pilates and Spinning Class in that category.

The list suddenly seems long, but it really isn’t when I look at the big picture.  Basically, in 2013 I’m going to do the same thing that I did in 2012.  Every day I’m going to live my life like it matters, like I matter, because I do.    Life is good and, no matter what, I’m going to keep it that way.

I’m sitting here a couple of days after Christmas at my brother and sister-in-law’s house.  A gentle snow is falling.  I have a hot cup of tea beside me.  After I write this blog I’ll pack up my stuff and drive over to friends a couple of hours away.  I’ve had a great visit with family and friends so far.  I’m so lucky to live in a loving family.   Even though I live in Florida and only see them a few times a year, when we’re together it’s great.

Food and overeating have not been issues.  I’ve eaten a variety of really delicious food without pigging out.  I’ve had a few too many sweets and carbs than I would normally consume but feel like I’ve balanced them out with exercise.  I was in a hotel one day and hit the treadmill for a half an hour.  On Christmas Eve my older nephew and I walked for almost two miles.  Yesterday, I did Zumba.  All in all, I’m pleased with my handling of my first major holiday with my new lifestyle.

Yesterday I had lunch with a good friend, one I haven’t seen in several years.  She had weight loss surgery two months ago so that is something else that we have in common.  She also understands OA and program so there are many concepts, approaches and thoughts that we share in our approach to recovery.

One of the things we touched on in our conversation was hope.  She’s early in her journey and doing terrific with her weight loss.  (You go, my friend!)  I remember before surgery and even two months after, there were things that I dreamed would happen with weight loss but that I barely could bring myself to hope I’d see.  Now, many of those things are common in my life.  There are more ahead but I’m no longer afraid to hope.  I believe, I know, that I can achieve them as I continue to lose weight and recover.

The rejuvenation of hope has been a phenomenal gift over the last year.  I remember when I was so down and low before making the decision to have surgery.  I had let myself get beaten down by my own disease and my overeating.  As heavy as I was in body, I was heavier in spirit.  Now I am so much lighter in body and soul.

I shared this with my friend because she is still a little in the cautious stage — wanting to hope and believe but still a little afraid to let herself.  I understand this mindset.  When one lives so long in one place emotionally and physically, shedding the fear is incredibly hard.  Taking a leap of faith isn’t easy.  It gets easier with each small step of improvement but it doesn’t happen overnight.

For today, as my holiday week begins to wind down, I’m celebrating the hope that has nested in my heart, perched in my soul.  I continue to look ahead to all that I dream of and know I will achieve as my journey continues.

“Hope” is the thing with feathers –

That perches in the soul –