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Last Year at this Time (Post 250)

on December 29, 2012

Hi, Friends!

As of today we’ve been together for 250 posts.  Thank you!  The first official post went up on February 8th, two weeks after my weight loss surgery.  In that post, among other things, I said this about the decision to blog my post-surgery journey to wellness:

Some people might wonder why, and I’d be one of them, but for several weeks creating this blog and writing about my journey and experiences seemed like the right thing to do for myself.    If you and others get something from it, so much the better.  My intention is to be as honest as I can about every topic I post — brutally honest as necessary.  If there’s one thing I’ve learned in a lifetime of obesity, my ability to deny and lie to myself and others about my weight and body issues is limitless.  I’ve come to believe that “rigorous” honest is the real path to survival.

Nearly 11 months and 249 posts later, I still believe that rigorous honest is the way for me to continue my recovery.  It’s brought me this far, that’s for sure.

The calendar year of 2012 ends in a couple of days.  Millions of people are thinking about their resolutions for 2013.  Many millions more probaby aren’t.  I’ve never been a fan of listing New Year’s resolutions, but I do like setting goals.  I’m organizing some of them in my mind and will share them on the 31st.   In a little more than a week, I’ll celebrate my 55th birthday which is somewhat of a mini-milestone.  A few weeks after that will mark the one year anniversary of my undergoing my vertical sleeve gastrectomy — what some people refer to as their surgiversary.

With all of these things coming up, I guess it’s no surprise that I’m feeling a little reflective.  I’m thinking a lot about where I was emotionally, physically, and mentally a year ago.

This time last year I was eager, but also nervous.  I had so much hope but at the same time was afraid to invest so much of my heart in that hope.

This time last year I was also more than a little stressed out because I still had to complete a few evaluations, follow up appointments and tests to get the final clearance for the surgery.  I knew that I’d get cleared, but the timing and trying to get a couple of doctors to dot the last i and cross the last t on my clearances took some work.

This time last year I was the heaviest that I’d been in more than 20 years.  Even though I’d worked on dropping weight since August, I let the nerves and stress get to me.  How’s that for either irony or proof positive of just how lousy this compulsive eating disease can be to a person?  I knew that I wasn’t having “food funerals” or saying goodbye to eating as I knew it, but I was back into old, unhealthy eating behaviors.   I was feeling fear that I wouldn’t, couldn’t share with anyone because I was ashamed.

On January 11th, I was scheduled to stop eating and start the full liquid diet for two weeks before the operation.  Last year at this time, I was terrified that I would start and not be able to stick to the plan.

Oddly enough, I never once thought that I’d change my mind about the surgery and back out at the last minute.  I was simply afraid that my disease would take over and I’d end up sabotaging myself.

Thankfully, that didn’t happen.  I won’t say that two weeks of only liquids were easy, but I never once deviated from the program.  With each day under my belt, I felt stronger and more secure in my ability.  Even the week before my surgery when a good friend revealed to me that she was afraid I’d die in the operation and wanted me to just keep losing weight on liquids, I was confident that I’d be okay and had to move forward.

Last year, as 2011 drew to its close, I focused my attention on 2012 and determined to go to any lengths to rescue and restore myself to good health.   Today, as we wind down to the end of 2012, I’d say that I’ve been doing a pretty good job of meeting that goal.  It’s been such an amazing journey so far and I know that there is so much more “newness” still to experience.  I can’t wait to see what happens in 2013.  I know I’ll be sharing it all here on Weighty Matters.


3 responses to “Last Year at this Time (Post 250)

  1. Hope says:

    You kicked 2012 in the butt! Here’s to doing the same to 2013!

  2. Wow, Mary! 250 posts. Awesome. Thanks for being a “beacon” for me. And thanks for your honesty. And most of all, thanks for being my dear, dear friend. And Happy Birthday on both accounts, the biological birthday and the surgiversity.

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