Weighty Matters

Jet lag sucks.  I’ve been home since Sunday night but I think my brain is still a time zone or two behind.  I read somewhere that it takes a day for each time zone.  By that reckoning, I have another couple of days.  Maybe three.  I can’t count.  The part of my brain that computes numbers is one of the areas still lagging.

I’ve been able to be productive at work but in the middle of the afternoon I want a nap more than I want to win the lottery.  (Disclaimer:  I don’t really care about winning the lottery at all.  If I did I might buy a ticket more than once a year.)  I came home at 5 and it would have been oh so easy to sack out in the recliner for a nap.  My sense of duty to Nat and Pyxi propelled me to take them for a walk instead.  I ate a light dinner, sat down and actually dozed for about 10 minutes, but I rallied in time to go to an evening Zumba class.

This all sounds reasonable and good, right?  Do not be deceived by the seeming reasonableness and logic.  My eating has actually been awful since I got home.  I start out okay but for some reason my body appears to think that I should feed it compulsively when I’m tired.  I’ve eaten food just because it was in my vicinity, even though the first bite revealed that it was tasteless with the texture of sticky cotton.  (Cheap store bought angel food cake someone left out at work.)  I’ve eaten when not hungry and without honestly savoring what I shoved into my mouth.  Then I wonder why I did it.  It’s like my mind can’t click on fast enough to block me from picking up food and eating it.

This is very, very weird.  I didn’t eat like this on the cruise when loads of actually delicious food was as close as an elevator ride away to the always-open buffet!

Hey, in all my cruise posts, I never mentioned that we actually took the stairs up and down more than half of the time!

But I digress.  Remember when I once talked about the concept of H.A.L.T. and not letting ourselves get too hungry, angry, lonely, or tired?  It seems that I’m fighting the last letter of that acronym.  The sleepiness is overcoming my guard and common sense.

This has to stop.  I’m carrying around about five pounds of water weight that I blame on eating too many carbs.  That messes with my head.

So, tonight I’m going to bed when I finish this post.  I’m hoping that this will help straighten out my sleep cycle.  Tomorrow, whether my energy and balance are restored or not, I’m sticking to my plan.  The choice is easy at the bottom line.  I will wake up and write down my food choices for the entire day — breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks.  Then, throughout the day, even if the red, green and yellow M&Ms personally wander into my office followed by an entire conga line of dancing raisins, and cavorting cupcakes, I will not eat anything that is not on that written down list.  Tough love and determination time, baby.  I got it.

If I can turn away from buffets of rich, calorie-laden food on a cruise because I wanted to zip line, I can stick to my plan for one day when on my home turf because I still have weight to lose and want to lose it.

I will not be defeated by my own tiredness.

One day tomorrow.  One day Friday.  One day at a time.

I’m home in the Florida Keys but my head feels like it’s somewhere in outer space.  Jet lag is horrible when you fly east across five time zones.  Thank goodness that I’d also taken today off from work.  I could not have focused.  That said, I rolled out of bed and went to a 9 a.m. Zumba class.  I’ve also worked today to gather my thoughts.

Honestly, after the successful zip lining adventure of last Thursday, I pretty much ate whatever the heck I wanted for a few days.  I didn’t overeat because, of course, quantity is limited, but I wasn’t careful with my carbs or sugar.   That stops now.   My goals for the cruise were to have fun, experience my adventures, and maintain my weight loss.  Check, check and check on those goals.

Now that I’m back in home port, my overall goal goes back to the top slot in my priority list.   This means careful adherence to my food plan – focused on protein, then veggies and fruit with minimal “empty” carbs.  I’m not worried about keeping up with my activity and exercise.  Even when I ate off plan I still stuck to strong activity effort.

My mindset is really positive right now.  I’m in a great place.  This is so far from my old patterns of successfully dieting for awhile and then falling off track and being unable to get my motivation and my ass back in gear.  I am absolutely confident that I will be back on the plan, steaming steadily toward my goal.

Maintaining motivation is a challenge for anyone.  For me, it used to click off like a switch and I experienced numerous, frustrating, often heartbreaking, times when I just couldn’t find a way to switch it back on.  I refuse to focus on those past failures now.  Instead, I’m revving myself with confidence, energy and determination.  I’m also holding onto the memories of all that I can do now, adventures I can experience because I’ve lost weight and built myself into a more fit person.

I can remember that I’ve dropped enough weight and increased my upper body and leg strength enough to hike a volcanic crater, transverse suspension bridges and pull myself up ladders onto Zodiac boats and tree platforms.   I’ve already had great times and more are beckoning me in my future.  These are powerful thoughts to hold in my mind and heart.

I haven’t forgotten that I owe you pictures.  I got as far as downloading them from the camera to my computer but I need to play with the images and resize several so that I can upload them to the blog more easily.  For tonight, however, I’ll leave with you a couple from the crater and the zipline.  Enjoy!

We’ve hiked down and are now walking a mile or so across the lava bed to hike out!

Knowing I’m secured to the cables, I hung back over the platform’s edge for the photo.

Mahalo means Thank You. It’s said even more often than Aloha. I need someone to teach me You’re Welcome in Hawaiian. My reflex is to thank them back.

When we got to our stateroom yesterday afternoon we found the envelope holding all of our excursion tickets. In the front was a slip reminding us that Ziplining trips have strict weight limits and instructing us to fill in our names, heights, and weights. We have to turn in the slips tonight.

I guess that gives them time to verify that we meet the limits for the trip we chose. I have to tell you that I’m a little freaked out again.

I know that fully clothed I’m still less than the top weight but my mind has returned to the dreaded “what if”? I keep telling myself that I’m not overeating and I’m getting in my exercise.

We walked all around the ship last night, including up and down stairs. Today I snorkelled for at least 90 minutes. I’m sure I’ll be fine but can’t help wishing I’d lost an additional 10 pounds so it wouldn’t even be a tiny worry. I just have to put it out of my mind so that it doesn’t negatively impact the rest of the trip.

Today’s excursion from Maui was phenomenal. We went on a snorkel trip that included a lot of whale watching. Humpback whales were all around us and very active with breaching and pec slapping. Awesome!

The water is so clear! We snorkelled over corals that formed colorful seascapes with several species of beautiful fish. At least half a dozen green sea turtles also swam by.

Photo evidence will have to wait as all my pictures are either on my real camera or the underwater disposable. I promise to share after I get back.

We’re now showered and relaxing. In keeping with vacation mode I plan to nap before dinner. More whale watching tomorrow! Mahalo, Maui. It’s been a great day.

We arrived late Thursday after an uneventful but long direct flight from Newark to Honolulu. I don’t think I would have attempted so many hours in a plane when I was 386. I would have been miserable.

It was dark when we arrived so not much to see but we woke up to a beautiful Waikiki beach view. We heard chanting at 6 am and thought it might be some island custom. Turned out to be the Navy running beach drills.

We picked up our rental car and drove up to Diamondhead and several scenic points beyond. Saw the first whales blowing!

We are surrounded by beauty. It’s good to be here.

Tomorrow morning I get on the plane for the first part of my journey.  A trip to Jersey with an overnight stay to meet with my dear friend and traveling buddy, and then on Thursday we board the lane for Honolulu!

I have completely lost all perspective on my packing.  I made a list, checked it twice, and then checked things off as I put them in my suitcases.  I had my other list of non-clothes stuff like my snorkel and mask, dry bag, extra camera battery, camera battery charger, etc. etc. etc.  I have everything I need.  I think.  Like I said, I’ve lost all perspective as to whether I packed too many or too few clothes, or whether I have the right clothes for all of the different activities.

Now I’m holding onto the logical thought of, “So what?”  I either have it or I don’t.  If I do, great.  If I don’t, it’s not like I’m launching on a voyage and won’t see land for weeks.  I’m going to Hawaii.  There are stores.  Rumor has it the cruise ship even offers laundry service so if I need to get clothes washed, that can happen.  What a shocker!  Here’s the best part.  If I need to buy something, I’m now at a size where I’m not limited to Lane Bryant, The Avenue, Catherine’s or some other specialty store for plus-plus-plus-sized women.

There is such freedom in that reality.  I’m decided to not stress about it one more second.  I’m ready.  Honestly, I’d be in worse shape if I left my snorkel home.  Yes, I know there are plenty of snorkels to rent in Hawaii, but mine’s a dry snorkel and I love it!

I’ve already shared about the different adventures we’ve planned to try.  I promise that I will take as many pictures as possible, but in the interest of full disclosure, I don’t know how often I’ll post while I’m away.  I’m taking my travel computer, but Internet rates onboard ship are exorbitant.  I hate not checking in for the whole time that I’m gone.  It feels like I’ll leave behind some of my accountability and I refuse to do that.  This blog and our community matter to my recovery and it’s important that I not let my attention to recovery lapse while I’m off on my vacation.  Although it’s not easy to do long blogs on the tiny touch screen keyboard of my iPhone, at least I will be able to post.  I promise to do so, even if the posts aren’t overly long.  I’ll make sure to also take some pictures with the phone so that I can include them from the road.

I also promise to write full reports when I get back.  Until then, I’ll be here as often as I can!

Aloha, friends.  Talk to you soon.

I leave for vacation mid-week.  I’m in the final countdown and doing my preliminary packing today.  It’s natural that my many of my thoughts revolve around the upcoming trip.

You all have read me proclaiming how one of the excursions we’ve planned is a ziplining adventure.   Ziplining has been on my Promise List for a long, long time.  I promised myself that if I lost enough weight to make the weight limit, I would definitely do it in Hawaii.  I was thrilled when we started looking into different options and found that the weight limit was 250 pounds.  I Whoot!  I could do it.  (There are a few ziplining options that have a higher weight limit but they don’t look nearly as adventurous or fun as our top choice.)

This morning, I first woke up around 5:30 a.m.  Normally I can go back to sleep, but today vacation obsession took over and I couldn’t quiet my mind.  I thought about preparing for my nutritional needs while on the cruise.  I have a new can of protein powder and a shaker cup.  In the morning I can run up to the buffet and get skim milk to have a protein drink for breakfast.  Some days I’ll have eggs or yoghurt, but I really want to resist the temptation of a bagel here, some pancakes there, plus bacon or sausage every day.  I also need to pick up some Laughing Cow cheese wedges that don’t need to be refrigerated.  That way I always have an easy-to-eat snack when needed.

So, I was feeling pretty good about my planning when my mind wandered over to ziplining.  I was 243.6 on the scale yesterday morning.  At first that made me really happy and then I thought, “But that’s my morning weight.  My naked morning weight!”  I began to add up pounds in my head.  We always weigh less in the morning, I figure about a pound and a half less.  So, if we’re going ziplining mid-day, that could put me at almost 245.  Add in more pounds for clothes, including jeans, and sneakers.  Suddenly my cushion didn’t feel so cushiony anymore.

My goofy anxiety thinking began to worry about the scale.  Yes, they weigh you at the zipline company.  This is actually a good precaution.   Nobody wants the line to break when they’re 65-80 feet above ground.  What if their scale and my scale aren’t in synch?  Hell, I sometimes have to weigh myself three times in the morning because the number can veer five pounds depending on where I place my feet.  I should probably buy a different scale.

Needless to say, there was no way that my brain was going to calm enough for me to go back to sleep.  I started planning alternatives in my head.  Wear my lightest long pants — workout pants intead of jeans.  Throw in a pair of close-toed Crocs and put those on that day instead of sneaks.  Starve myself and ramp up the exercise to lose more weight before ziplining day!

Goofy anxiety thinking in the early morning does not equal logical, reasonable thought.  Finally, I sat up and told myself to knock it off.  I did some slow, deep breathing and approached this rationally.  When I last weighed myself at night, dressed, I was still less than 250 pounds.  I’ve lost additional weight since then, more than enough to compensate for sneakers.  I will probably lose a couple more pounds before we zipline, since that excursion is 10 days from now and I’m not planning to make vacation an overeating food fest.  I’m going to enjoy my meals without overeating and keep up my activity level.

I will be fine.

Anxiety-fueled, diseased thinking isn’t fun, but I’m trying to look at today’s episode as a good learning experience.  Just like I need to be vigilant about old food compulsions, I also need to guard against “stinking thinking”.  It accomplishes nothing positive and takes me out of my serenity.  I’m happy that I was able to process everything and come out on the side of rational reality.  Hopefully I’ll be able to build on this example and be even more effective the next time I wake up and start thinking from a place of goofy anxiety.