General Musings | Weighty Matters

Rule #1 – Don’t Be Lazy

by Mary Stella

I woke up a few minutes before 6:00 a.m. today, when it was still dark outside. My right knee, which is the trouble one, was extra stiff and sort of sore. I walked close to 14,000 steps yesterday and, as previously discovered, that’s pushing it for that knee. I didn’t want to take my morning walk and was thisclose to going back to bed for half an hour. Then I thought to myself, “Rule #1 on this fitness thing is ‘Don’t be lazy’.” Rule #2, in case you’re wondering is, “Remember Rule #1”.

I dressed in my workout clothes, laced on the sneaks, and took the dogs outside. I realized that the wind wasn’t blowing as much as it predicted on my phone app. So, happily for myself and my knee, I got on my bicycle instead and pedaled off for eight miles. Not being lazy, getting in a good ride, brightened me up and energized me. The activity also loosened up my knee so that I could take the dogs for their walk, without pain, when I got back.

While we walked on this lovely cool morning as streaks of pink and purple began to lighten the sky, I thought of what I’d have missed if I’d gone back to bed. It wasn’t even just about today, but about the overarching journey.

Don’t be lazy. If I make a choice for a good reason, that’s okay. Being lazy isn’t a good enough reason for me. In my twisted brain, it’s okay for me to have an overall lazy day, as long as I don’t totally trash my efforts. By the same token, if I’d been seriously hurt, it absolutely have been okay for me to take the day off and rest it. I guess I’ll say, too, that if riding my bike had not been an option, then it would not have been lazy for me to not take a long walk when my knee was stiff and sore. However, the bike ride was an option which would not hurt my knee, so going back to bed would have been the lazy choice.

Does that sound crazy or does it make sense?

Anyway, I’m going to hold on to “Don’t be lazy” as a “rule”, a mantra if you will. Now that I am so much more physically fit, my body isn’t the barricade to activity. So, my thought process can present the biggest challenge. If I listen. I don’t have to pay attention to it, now do I?

Body Matters General Musings

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Food Isn’t the Problem

by Mary Stella

I have a cold. I felt like crap all day, bad enough to stay home from work. I stayed home from work but didn’t refrain from working. Considering the sneezing, stuffy head, fuzzy brain and general tiredness, I was actually very productive and got a lot done. I was not, however, physically active. For the first time in months I have gone two days without reaching my minimum commitment of 10,000 steps. I feel sluggish. Even though I have more than enough reason to have not fulfilled my physical fitness goals the last two days, mentally I’m struggling with it. I’m sure that I’ll improve as soon as I get back on the step count, but it does me good to share this stuff. Thanks for listening.

While I was working from home today I had on the television. I sort of half listened during the Dr. Oz show, but in that hour I heard something that struck home. I’m sure I’ve heard it before, but it was excellent timing for me to hear it again today. The doctors were talking about the growing number of heroin addicts and the different prescription drugs that are hydrocodone related in different strengths, the addiction problems, etc. One doctor said that in the lives of addicts, the drugs are not the problem. The drugs are the solution. What a strong, important point. From my perspective, food and my way of previous diseased eating are not the problems. They are what I used to cope or bury the real issues. They’re the ways that I tried to solve my issues.

Sometimes it’s difficult to separate out these things. Even though a drug addict might know that he/she turned to drugs for an emotional reason doesn’t mean their bodies don’t physically become hooked. Same thing with me. I can get hooked on the behavior of stuffing my feelings with food or bingeing on certain foods because of their carb, fat or sugar content. So, I can’t ignore that, while food isn’t the root problem, it became a secondary problem at some point. So, until I “got clean”, I couldn’t clear my head and emotions enough to work on the motivating issues.

Some might think that getting clean is the hard part, but the real work begins after. That’s why it was so important for me to understand that the vertical sleeve gastrectomy — the bariatric surgery — would only be a tool to help me control my overeating behavior, which I’d not been able to sustain control over in the past for any significant amount of time. The hardest work is picking through the emotional and psychological issues that make me run to food. All of the time I need to remember that I cannot rely on food to be anything more than food. It needs to not be a problem or a solution.

The work is hard, but it’s important. It’s also possible as long as I keep at it.

Body Matters General Musings My Progress The Past is the Past

Not Skinny

by Mary Stella

Every once in a while someone tells me how skinny I’m getting, how skinny I look, or they call me “Skinny Minny”.

For the record, even when I get to goal weight, I will not be skinny. I could go 15 pounds below my goal weight and I still wouldn’t be skinny. It’s not my shape. I’m curvy and big boned. Understanding that I will never be skinny does not upset me in the least. The word, the description, does not call up a lovely image in my mind’s eye. It doesn’t sound flattering to me.

It makes me wonder why people have to assign a label to body descriptions?

The problem is that I can’t go up and ask people I know to stop using the term. Okay, I could but I’ve learned that co-workers and acquaintances don’t get it. My good friends understand. They offer encouragement. They reinforce that I’m looking great or tell me that they’re proud of me for my effort and exercise, but the people closest to me don’t hang a label on me. I appreciate that always, but even more so when I’ve heard the skinny thing.

The people who use it mean well. They are happy for me and want to be supportive. If I say anything to them, some of them get very offended, as if I don’t appreciate their support. I find that I need to not flinch and just smile and say thank you. So, that’s what I do, then I come here and ~~bitch about it~~ process what I’m feeling.

Thanks for listening. 🙂

Before I end, I wanted to share something. This morning I woke up and decided that I would decree today would be the great start to a terrific week. I invite everyone to join me in this attitude choice. Who’s in? Let’s put that energy out into the universe and see what we can manifest!

General Musings

Nourishing Recovery

by Mary Stella

Feeding my recovery is as important as feeding my body. It’s sometimes more difficult. Protein, veggies, fruit, fluids, the occasional carbs, good fats — that kind of nourishment I understand and everything is readily accessible. Figuring out the nourishment for my emotional and mental recovery is challenging because what I need changes and it isn’t something I can find at the supermarket.

I’m still focusing on the “success breeds success” idea. By acknowledging each positive step, every good day on my food plan, making my daily exercise goals, I positively reinforce myself for my own effort. It’s like a self-delivered pat on the back and “atta girl” instead of a head slap. This nourishes the mental aspect of my recovery. When I do it successfully, it helps me do it successfully again the next time.

I guess it’s the emotional aspects that are the most challenging to feed and reinforce. Maybe it’s more that they can be the most uncomfortable to examine and then develop new ways of feeling and reacting which leads to improved, healthier choices. Choosing an attitude of gratitude first thing in the morning helps. Feeling grateful sets me up in a good way and opens up my spirit. Owning my awesomeness might have sounded cutesy to some, but it’s serious stuff to me. As confident as I am in many areas of my life, I can backslide into esteem issues.

Recognizing the challenges and setting up a proactive mindset usually impacts my emotions. Thinking of things for which I’m grateful, leads to voicing those things and that creates the positive emotion. If I acknowledge an awesome thing about myself — whether it’s an ability, an attitude, an — and really own it, that makes it real and keeps my esteem and the way I feel about myself at a good, steady level.

Even choosing this as a topic matters. It reinforces the importance of tending my recovery, nourishing it with everything that it needs to grow and thrive. My recovery isn’t just important. It’s important. Without it, my life and health can disintegrate. I want to always remember this and keep putting the emphasis on it that it deserves and needs. That I need.

General Musings

Own Your Awesome

by Mary Stella

Years ago in OA, I learned that binge can be an acronym for B.elieving I.’m N.ot G.ood E.nough. That perfectly applied to me. I had lousy self-esteem and, as I’ve discussed here before, never really felt like anything I did or accomplished was good enough. Nothing was as good as it could have or should have been. I wasn’t smart enough or charming enough; my personality and persona weren’t attractive or nice or funny enough. I was obese so, naturally, I wasn’t pretty enough. The answer I never quite figured out was the comparison point, the yardstick against which I unceasingly measured myself and decided I was lacking.

It took me a long, long, freaking-long time to accept that I’m not just good enough, I am more than good enough. In fact, I am capable of being absolutely awesome.

Okay, I just fought a little battle with myself over that last sentence. I wondered whether I should delete it or leave it. Since you read it, you know which choice won — and that’s the whole point of this blog post.

I need to own my awesome. Everybody does, but this blog is about me. For now anyway. I’ll get to the rest of you in a minute. 🙂

Today I was able to finish the project that’s been driving me nuts and causing me stress for the last couple of weeks. This was outside my normal job responsibilities but our president asked me to take it on for our national organization because it needed to be done and done well. She asked me to do the project because she knows I’m awesome and would get it done. For a lot of those decades that I believed I wasn’t good enough, there were many people in my life who thought differently. They believed in me, loved me, thought the absolute best of me but I could never internalize that into self-belief and good self-esteem.

These days, I promise, I’m not turning into some egotistical blowhard but I think that it’s healthy to understand our own awesomeness. In fact, I think it’s absolutely necessary. If we don’t acknowledge, accept, internalize, celebrate and own our awesomeness, we damage ourselves. For whatever reason that I developed the crappy self-esteem in the first place, I spent years not doing anything effective to counter it. At some point I had to take responsibility for allowing the mindset to continue. I’m going to own that too, but it’s old water under an ancient bridge, so I’m not going to beat myself up over it either. I am, however, refusing to let it dam up the flow of my recovery.

I think it will help my continued recovery if I make the time to acknowledge my good qualities. I need to remind myself of all the positive things about me so that I don’t ever fall into that believing I’m not good enough state again. If I own my awesomeness, I don’t need to overeat in order to suppress the bad feelings because, hey, I won’t feel so bad anymore.

Okay, you know that I don’t urge you all to comment, although I am always thrilled when someone does. I know that you’re here reading, even if you lurk. However, I’m going to take part in a little exercise and I would absolutely love it if you all would participate with me. Let’s all own our awesomeness and list some examples.

I’ll go first. I rock my job. I’m a loyal friend. I demonstrate caring even to strangers at the store or on the street. I’m not afraid to try new experiences. I look for ways to positively reinforce and empower other people.

Those are five ways that I’m awesome. What are five ways that you can claim? Come on now, please share them with us so that we can all celebrate together.

Own your awesomeness!

General Musings

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Blowing Past Limitations

by Mary Stella

Okay, you know that I’m a big fan of entertainment reality shows like The Voice and Dancing with the Stars. Not only am I entertained, I am frequently inspired. Never more so than tonight’s season premier of DWTS.

One of the dancing “amateurs” is Amy Purdy. She was terrific with pro partner Derek Hough. Sharp, snappy, quick footed, graceful, energetic. Really great. Amy Purdy is a double amputee and wears prosthetics below her knees on both legs. She’s a bronze medal winning snowboarder who competed in the 2014 Paralympics while also training for DWTS.

She’s my new hero. Here is a beautiful young woman who doesn’t believe in limitations. I’d venture a guess that if someone told her she couldn’t do something because of her physical challenges, she’d laugh in their face and then show them that they’re wrong. She doesn’t have any disabilities. She’s missing her legs below her knees but under no stretch of the definition is she disabled.

Then there is comedian/actor/game show host Drew Carey. When he first became famous, or at least when I first heard of him, on his television show, he was 80 or so pounds overweight. He was diagnosed with Type II diabetes and he had to have an angioplasty procedure to open a clogged artery. In 2010, he committed to losing weight, cut out carbohydrates, did 45 minutes of cardio most days each week and ended up losing 80 pounds. When he appeared on tonight’s DWTS, he looked terrific. He talked about how, now that he’s lighter and fitter, he enjoys finding out what he can do in his body. He’s thoroughly enjoying the new freedom he’s experiencing, including the greater ease of movement. Ohhh, boy, do I ever relate!

So in one night, I witnessed the stories of a woman who refused to let anyone define her in terms of limitations and a man who experienced limitations and did something about it.

Color me inspired. This helps me remember that the only roadblocks in my way are the ones that I either manifest or that I permit to remain in my way. I, too, can blow past them as I continue on my recovery journey. That’s just what I’m going to do.

Body Matters General Musings The Past is the Past

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Feeling Financially Grateful

by Mary Stella

I’m watched the Chopped – Tournament of Stars tonight. Singer Carnie Wilson was one of the episode’s contestants. She’s part of the trio Wilson Phillips, although in recent years, I’ve seen her more frequently on a variety of celebrity reality shows. She’s also pretty famous for having gastric bypass surgery several years ago. (According to her tonight, 14 years ago.)

I remember a few years ago, she’d gained all of the weight back that she’d previously lost with the wls and went back for another procedure. She had a lap band added to help her lose weight again. I remember at the time thinking that must have been a horrible experience for her — to have fought so hard to lose weight, had success, and then backslid to the point where she needed another procedure.

That is something that I never, ever want to experience. However, she’s a really good example for the rest of us. It can and does happen. We are really never free of the food issues and if, for whatever reason, we no longer manage to stay in recovery, we can gain it all back. I’m glad that she’s still in the fight and hasn’t given up on herself.

The stars on this Chopped tournament are all playing for charities they’ve chosen. When asked Carnie said that she’s playing for the Weight Loss Surgery Foundation of America, an organization that raises money to fund grants for people who need bariatric operations but they either don’t have insurance, or their insurance won’t cover the procedure and they don’t have enough money to self-pay. www.wlsfa.org

*Dragging out my soap box, stepping up* I know that I have a personal viewpoint in this debate, but I firmly and unequivocally believe that every health insurance plan should offer coverage for bariatric surgery. I believe the operation saves lives and, ultimately, saves money for those same insurance companies because it leads to healthier lifestyles in the patients. *Stepping off of the soap box*

I have a decent health insurance plan, but mine didn’t cover the weight loss surgery. When I found that out, I was both bummed and disappointed. Then, the reality of my particular circumstance took over and I was overwhelming grateful. I had enough money in investments that I could pay for the operation out of pocket. The hospital also had a self-pay plan that was less expensive.

Thankfully, all of the tests and evaluations that are required prior to the surgery were typical of diagnostics that a doctor would order to determine conditions in an obese patient. I blew through my high deductible pretty quickly and every other procedure was then fully covered by my insurance.

For me, finances did not enter into the decision as to whether I could move forward with the operation that would finally help me successfully battle my super obesity. That is not the case for everyone. I personally know someone who thinks about having the surgery but he doesn’t have the right insurance plan or the savings. Just yesterday, someone else I know came up to me and asked if she could talk to me about my surgery. She recently went to an orientation/workshop to find out more. Her insurance plan will cover bariatric procedures if she qualifies under certain conditions such as her BMI or the presence of a co-morbidity for more than two years. She wants the surgery and is crossing her fingers that she’ll qualify.

Looking back, I am even more grateful today than I was at the outset of the journey when I first began investigating the procedure. I cannot imagine if my greatest chance for recovery, for regaining my health, for saving my life wasn’t possible because I didn’t have the money.

After the show tonight ended, I went online to look at this Weight Loss Surgery Foundation of America. They’re a 501 (C)(3) charitable organization so my donation was tax deductible. They seem to be legitimate and have awarded several grants to people for the bariatric surgery itself and some for the reconstructive surgery afterward. Carnie Wilson is now one of their ambassadors. They’re having a fund raising event in Florida in April, but unfortunately I have another commitment that weekend or I would go to check them out in person.

The WLSFA does not seem to be a giant organization but appear to be growing up from grassroots. I’m grateful that they exist so that others who need help can get it.

**** Edited to Add ****
When I woke up this morning, I’d received an email from one of the WLSFA founders, Antonia, to thank me for my donation. She also wanted to make me aware of the Tampa event in case I could attend. Nice gestures on both counts! We chatted a little via email and she clarified something that I did not have right, based on my research. Antonia told me that Carnie Wilson did not gain back all of the weight that she lost after her first wls and that she has maintained a 100 pound weight loss for 14 years — even after two kids. Good for her!

Antonia also told me more about her organization. They are indeed grass roots and have funded 11 surgeries so far with two more scheduled to be funded in April. She then said that they are 100% volunteer driven with no paid staff. I work for a nonprofit organization and serve on the Board of Directors of two others. Accomplishing all they’ve done on a totally volunteer basis is impressive indeed. Thanks for the additional info, Antonia!

General Musings

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Food Judgment

by Mary Stella

I have a hang up about people judging my food — what and how much I might put on my plate and choose to eat. Even if people don’t notice and couldn’t care less, I imagine that they do and, in judging my food are also judging me.

No, I’m not just paranoid. In the past, people did indeed judge what I was eating. Not everyone, probably, but enough that I noticed. Still others actually verbalized their judgments. One instance stands out in my memory. Mom and I were having dinner with another family member at our house who’d brought a home baked pie with her for dessert. After we finished eating the main dish, the family member offered each of us a slice of pie. She specifically asked me if I wanted a piece. It was good pie and I said yes, please.

I went out to the kitchen to bring in coffee and tea. I plainly heard the family member say, “I can’t believe Mary’s going to eat dessert.”

Is it any wonder that I was such an accomplished sneak eater? I developed that ability at a very early age. It didn’t matter if people were right in the next room, I could open the refrigerator, a cabinet, or a squeaky drawer, open a package, and eat with nobody else hearing me.

But I digress.

During every diet I’ve ever been on, I know I ran into times when people monitored what I was eating or just looked to see if I was on track. I think when I wasn’t on diets, people probably looked at my plates. Maybe they wanted to understand how much food it took for a woman to get to my size. I don’t know, but trust me, no matter how subtle they might have tried to be, I was hypersensitive to it, so I picked up on the glances or outright looks. I also automatically assumed that they were critiquing my food choices, or my amounts. Whatever the case, these were not positive experiences. As a result, I rarely ate openly in front of other people. I took what I believed to be a “normal” amount of “proper” food and consumed it at the table and then pigged out when I was alone.

Ever since I had my weight loss surgery, I’ve noticed that I still wonder whether people are watching my food. I imagine that now they’re curious about how much I can physically eat and that they’re also assessing whether I’m eating what I “should” or eating stuff that I “shouldn’t”. If I’m out at a gathering and there are sweets, I assume that people will think I’m being bad if I take a cookie.

I’m much better off at work around my friends and people who know me well. They understand that, sometimes, a person just needs to have a small piece of chocolate. Nobody scolds me or smacks my hand. Nobody gives me disapproving looks. It’s safe.

Honestly, the whole question of whether people around me continue to make judgments about my food and eating could be an entirely false issue. I likely stress myself out about this without reading. Maybe my fear of being judged breaks down into False Evidence Appearing Real. At this point, I don’t know, but I realize that it’s better to live with less stress.

So, I need to be aware of my thought process and call myself on it. When it comes right down to it, my choices are my choices and it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks, does or says. Probably what I need to work on is to stop categorizing food choices as bad or good, inappropriate, or appropriate, etc. It’s like I’m the one that starts the judgment process and then anticipate that everyone else will do the same.

No matter what I choose to eat, I need to make it okay. My choices are my choices.

General Musings My Progress

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Road Tripping

by Mary Stella

I took a road trip this weekend. I love baseball and spring training is underway. A lot of pro teams, including my Phillies, train on the west coast of Florida. Every year I’ve thought about going but never have.

This year I found a date, bought a ticket, and made the plan. The drive takes about 6 hours but with nice weather and good tunes, I didn’t mind.

Even long drives are more physically comfortable with my weight loss. I can sit with greater ease for longer periods of time. At my heaviest I think the sheer weight of so many extra pounds wore on my body internally. I know that my legs would sometimes tingle so somewhere inside the circulation was impacted. The small of my back would begin to ache.

Not so these days. I still make sure to stop once or twice and walk around a little. Overall I’m simply more comfortable than ever before.

I was good with my food in the trip, too, and didn’t indulge in crap. Got a chuckle at dinner. I stopped in a burger and brew restaurant. The burger was excellent and I ignored the roll. The servers had tee shirts on that read, “I’d be a vegetarian if bacon cheeseburgers grew on trees.” Yes, I’m a carnivorous omnivore. I laughed.

When I got to the hotel I decided that my body would thank me if I exercised after the drive. I changed into work out clothes and went to the fitness room for treadmill time.

I know it’s weird but I watched Diners, Drive Ins and Dives while I walked. Nothing like walking to burn calories while watching people eat loaded plates of delicious, if not always healthy food. 🙂

I persevered for an energetic 45 minutes and felt pretty pleased with myself for putting out the effort.

This morning I slept a little late for me and then turned on the tv. The morning news was airing a live shot of friends and former coworkers of mine who are sea lion trainers. Even though I knew this, I didn’t connect that we’d sort of be close to each other.

My baseball game wasn’t until 1 so I asked at the desk how long it would take for me to get to their park. It turned out to be closer than I thought so off I went to surprise them.

Friends, it isn’t everyday you get to log your first 5000 steps in a day walking around a zoo! What fun. It was also great to see my friends doing well with their new venture.

After that I took off for the game. Beautiful afternoon for baseball, made even better by a win by my team.

Whenever I leave the Keys I do a little shopping. There are simply too few stores in the Keys for some of the things I prefer so going off the rock is an opportunity not to be wasted. I found a great mall with every store I’d hoped to find. In between Sephora, Soma, Crocs and Bath and Body Works I also took time for dinner before calling it quits.

When I got back to my hotel I felt like I’d enjoyed a full, fun and active day. However, I didn’t feel like I’d adequately exercised. Sure I’d topped 11,000 steps but my body didn’t feel worked. I figured it wouldn’t hurt to visit the treadmill again. Now, after 30 minutes, I am happier about my day’s fitness effort.

I’m chilling in a chair while I type this on my phone. Tomorrow, I head back home. I’m going to leave early enough to stop at the beautiful, long Skyway bridge. I’ve never gone there except to drive over it but I know there are walking/fishing expanses. Might as well take advantage of it for my morning walk, don’t you agree?

I’m going to try to upload a few pictures. Hopefully it will work from the phone.

Hope you’re all having a great weekend!

General Musings My Progress

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Things I Love Right Now

by Mary Stella

I have a guilty pleasure. I like to occasionally buy a little soap opera magazine. The only soap I watch is General Hospital and I’ve done so for decades. The DVR records it daily and I watch when I get home at night. I like reading about the show, the actors, the storylines, what’s coming up, etc. One of these magazines has a feature where the editors/writers name the Five Things They’re Loving Right Now about a certain show. They also name the one thing they could do without.

In the spirit of this feature, I started pondering about five things I love right now about my journey, my progress, myself. Yes, I’ll also pick the thing I could do without. Here we go, in no particular order:

Whenever I’m going on a trip, whether for a weekend or longer period, I love that I automatically pack exercise clothes, walking sneaks, and my iPod. These items are now as necessary as any other wardrobe item or my cosmetics and toiletries.

I love the I’m increasingly more open and willing to choose healthier alternatives in my food. No more turning up my nose at natural, organic peanut butter (I purposely buy without added sugar.) or fat free plain Greek yogurt. Sure, let me use spaghetti squash instead of pasta under my red sauce for an Italian food fix. I’m sampling a greater variety of less processed foods, too. A friend shared something she heard from a television or celebrity doctor — she can’t remember which one. He recommended that one strong step to eating healthier is to avoid food items that are advertised on television. Sure, as with anything there are some exceptions – like quality Greek yogurt — but think about what products you see most often in commercials.

I love that I no longer take over-the-counter pain relievers every day any more. My left knee will never be 100% but it doesn’t throb or ache at the end of every day. My whole body doesn’t hurt after a full day at work. At my heaviest, I took the equivalent of prescription-strength non-aspirin pain relievers every day, sometimes a few times a day. Now I don’t even think I take them once a month.

This one might be a little shallow, but forgive me, okay? I love that I’m no longer the heaviest person I know, the heaviest person at work, the heaviest person I see most days. When you’ve lived most of your life as the most overweight person present in any situation, it wears on the self-esteem. Having that weight off of me, literally and figuratively, lightens my spirit.

I absolutely love that I can both see and feel definition in my muscles. Sometimes I have to move around a bit for the definition to be obvious because of some remaining flab or saggy skin, but my muscles are toned! I not only feel stronger, I feel powerful. Booyah!

There are more things, of course, but these are the ones that most strike me today. Now for the thing I could do without. That would be how reactive my body is to carbs. We started this week with me annoyed because I ate a few carbs and my body decided to hold onto four faux pounds of water weight. I stayed with my plan and flushed them away, then lost an additional half pound so far. This makes me happy, but the fact that it was necessary still ticks me off.

So, my friends, what are five things about yourselves or your lives that you love? It’s okay to share the thing you could do without, too.

Body Matters General Musings NSVs The Past is the Past

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Weighty Matters

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Rule #1 – Don’t Be Lazy

Food Isn’t the Problem

Not Skinny

Nourishing Recovery

Own Your Awesome

Blowing Past Limitations

Feeling Financially Grateful

Food Judgment

Road Tripping

Things I Love Right Now

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