General Musings | Weighty Matters

Self-Doubt

by Mary Stella

I’m a little disappointed in my mindset over the last couple of days. For some reason, self-doubts are creeping in every once in a while.

Self-doubt and low confidence in my abilities used to be regular visitors. To be completely honest, they were ever-present — unwelcome squatters who staked out territory in my head and heart and were determined to get in my way. No matter what my aim, objective or task, I had to find a way to work around these interlopers and their barriers.

After my first foray into therapy and OA, I gradually succeeded in evicting the trespassers. In recent years, they’ve attempted to take up space again only on rare occasions. So the fact that they’re coming around a little more frequently these days is not only inconvenient, but also a little worrisome.

I have a lot on my plate – figuratively speaking. I’m super busy at work as well as with some extra-curricular responsibilities. When I’m already in a time crunch, the last thing that I need is to have to take more time to boot out an unwelcome guest like self-doubt.

That whole “super busy” state may have something to do with it. I feel a little overwhelmed. I’m going on vacation soon, which is great. I’m not going to be constantly connected to my email, phone and computer either. That’s also great and unusual for me. While I’m looking forward to “going off the grid”, it’s possible that it’s causing me a smidgeon of anxiety too.

There’s also a little chicken-or-the-egg conflict happening. I’ve been a bit sloppy with my food plan and also not exercising at my accustomed level. Those things could be opening the door to the reduced confidence and increased self-doubt, or they could be the result.

Whatever the case, I am not pleased. I do not want to let the negative feelings chip away at the strong foundation I’ve worked so hard to build over the last three years. Here’s one example. On my upcoming trip, I have another opportunity to go zip lining. If you were a blog reader here a couple of years ago, you may remember how zip lining in Hawaii was on my Promise List. I absolutely LOVED the experience and took it on, believing I could handle the challenge.

Right now, I’m reading the adventure description and feeling a little unsure. I’m questioning whether, physically, I’m up to the experience. Quite simply, that’s b.s. Of course I can. Just because I’ve been a little off in my fitness routine doesn’t mean that my strength has dissolved.

I can do this. Those pesky interlopers can only make me doubt my ability if I listen to them.

No matter what the challenge or goal, I have every tool. Right now I’m pulling out a mental hammer and posting the “No Trespassing” sign.

Self-doubt, move along. There’s no room for you here in my life.

General Musings

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Buying Clothes in “Normal” Stores

by Mary Stella

I’ve talked about shopping for clothes several times, but I’m experiencing some more new stuff. The whole experience of going into pretty much any store and finding clothes in my size is still not something to which I am accustomed. It isn’t natural behavior and, sometimes, I need to remind myself to take the plunge.

That happened in September when my friend and I were in Key West and passed a Chico’s store that was having a big end-of-summer sale. She suggested we go in. “Oh no,” I said. “I’ll never find anything.” My mind kept going to all of the Chico’s ads I’d seen on television with the very tall, slender models. My friend told me that the store had sizes that would go up to what I’m currently wearing — and she was right.

Several months ago I discovered that I can go into this local ladies sportswear store and find clothes in my size. I still figured that was an anomaly.

Yesterday I went to Key West to hang out with some friends. I’m leaving for a cruise soon and needed a few sporty tops and, hopefully, a pair of shorts or cropped length pants to round out my shipboard wardrobe. I thought I’d check out Chico’s. When I rounded the corner, another shop’s windows caught my eye — Fresh Produce. Honestly, my first thought was, “No way. Don’t even bother.” I took a deep breath and went as far as the sale racks that were close to the door.

Well, what do you know? They had clothes in a variety of sizes from XS to XXL. Some were numbered, but not in the regular number sizes, you know, 6, 8, 14, 18. I am not good at looking at a garment and assessing whether it will fit my body. My body shape and image are still distorted in my mind’s eye.

I asked a salesperson for help. She was cheerful and friendly when she informed me that it all depended on the garment. Two different saleswomen told me that they wear any of three different sizes from the store. Hmmm.

So, I learned that there is no standard for XS or M or even XXL. An XXL in this store could be the equivalent of an L in another. Heck, it wasn’t even that close a comparison — an XXL in one shirt could be similar in size to an L in the one next to it on the sales rack.

There truly was no way to guess and I found that I had to get over a couple of hangups about the size on the tag.

I thought of that Anne Lamott Anti-Diet post a week or so ago where she says that there are enough things affecting her self-esteem without her jeans and clothes having an opinion. I vowed to not negatively judge myself over the size on the tag. XL didn’t mean that I’d swelled up and gained weight. It meant that the particular garment was designed and cut smaller than other styles.

The only things that mattered were: Did the clothing catch my eye? Did it fit when I put them on? Did I like the way that I looked in them when I wore them? Did I like it – period?

Once I put the sizes out of my mind, my shopping stress level dropped and I had a really nice time picking out a few great things. When I left, I was not only pleased with my purchases, but I was also very happy that I’d confronted my apprehension about even going into a so-called “normal” clothing store.

Body Matters General Musings My Progress NSVs

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Changing Lifestyle

by Mary Stella

The process of changing a lifestyle is more important than reaching a goal or measuring a performance. – Theodore Isaac Rubin

This quote was part of my daily reading the other day. It really summed up what I continue to struggle with in my recovery. I know that my recovery is all about changing my lifestyle from unhealthy and sedentary to healthy with physical fitness and activity. Yet, all too often I still measure my success in whether I strictly adhered to a rigorous protocol of food choices and what the number says on the scale.

These issues battle for control in my head all of the time. The one that is winning on any given day all too often determines how I feel about myself. When I focus too much on my weight by number or whether, goodness sake, I actually treated myself to some pasta at dinner or a single cupcake for dessert, I send myself right back into the diseased thinking of “You failed. You ruined today.”

When I focus on how much I’ve achieved with my overall lifestyle change; when I embrace that I am SO much healthier in the way that I eat, the food choices I make, the physical activities that I enjoy doing, the adventures that I explore; I feel so much better emotionally, mentally and spiritually too.

I need to cultivate positive reinforcement for my lifestyle change. I need to notice when I have a good, balanced day. I also need to be mindful about how I talk to myself or quiz myself. Did I choose the things I ate with care, or did I eat mindlessly, driven by compulsion? Was I in balance in the actual food choices – healthy, fresh, natural most of the time and not so much fatty, low-quality, over-processed foods? If I ate anything compulsively, or over-indulged at some point in less healthier food choices, I shouldn’t go on to castigate myself. Nothing is served by mentally berating myself. I can look at the day objectively and treat myself with love, understanding, and a re-commitment.

Was I physically active? I don’t need to march a 5K every day, but some part of my day needs to include some sort of activity — walks with the dogs, Tai Chi, a workout DVD, a bike ride.

Consistent commitment to the healthier choices strengthens the foundation of my improved lifestyle far more than obsessing on the scale numbers or the size on the tags of my clothes. Do I feel good, strong, and energetic? Am I peaceful and happy in my heart? Those are the things that matter.

Body Matters General Musings My Progress

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The Birthday Cake Whine

by Mary Stella

It’s my birthday today. I have felt the love of family and friends – those of blood, those of choice, long time, newish, work family – they have all surrounded me with good wishes in person, on Facebook, via text message or phone calls. Truly lovely and amazing to have so many wonderful people care to wish me happiness on this day.

I am honestly humbled and grateful and feel so blessed.

Why then did I title this post the Birthday Cake Whine? Well, because I guess I’m not a perfect human being and am capable of having a few cranky feelings amid the joy. I thought about not writing this post, but then ignoring my feelings because I’m castigating myself for being bitchy felt inauthentic and not in keeping with the spirit and intent of this blog. So here goes.

Nobody got me a birthday cake at the office. We usually do this and then people from other departments come over to sing and share. For whatever reason, this didn’t happen today. It didn’t happen the last couple of years. I think sometimes someone just doesn’t think of it, however, other times I know that it’s been discussed and decided that I probably didn’t want a cake because I was either trying to lose weight or was eating healthier or maybe shouldn’t eat cake or some other reason unbeknownst to me.

So now I feel bad if people didn’t get cake because they thought they were doing what I’d want.

Here’s the thing. This taps into my little girl feelings of wanting to be normal — just like everybody else — but feeling different because of my weight struggles and eating disorder. I feel like somebody else is making the decision about what I should or shouldn’t eat. I don’t actually know if that’s what went on, but I hate even thinking that it might have.

Look, to be as objective and honest as possible, a lot of people weren’t there today. The ones that were in the office were incredibly busy — myself included. I’m happy that even some of them were able to join us for lunch and they got me an adorable, fun card, too. So, I need to step off the self-pity bus and not be so whiny over a dessert.

Besides, it’s not like I didn’t have cake. I stopped at the cupcake bakery on the way home, got my variety variety — a salted chocolate cupcake — and ate it for dinner. Remember when I talked about being abstinent in the behavior of not eating compulsively? This wasn’t a compulsive purchase and consumption. In anticipation that the office might once again skip the birthday cake ceremony with me, I decided this morning that a cupcake at dinner would be included and planned for in the day’s food choices. So, I did not eat that cupcake compulsively. Booyah for me!

I’ll be over this feeling sorry for myself in a little bit. In fact, I’m going to go back and reread all of the wonderful, loving, enthusiastic birthday wishes and once more be truly appreciative and grateful.

Maybe someone else controlled whether I had a birthday cake at the office, but I control whether to connect my feelings to the dessert.

General Musings

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Food Attitude

by Mary Stella

My life, my recovery and my health would all be a whole lot easier to maintain if I always wanted to eat fresh, healthy, good-for-me food. That might be my biggest obvious understatement of the new year.

I’m not sure what sent my mind on that thought path tonight. I’m not having bad days. I’m eating to plan and I’m eating healthy, nicely prepared foods. This might be a good place to point out that the two don’t always, necessarily, go together. I can be abstinent in my behavior – eating only what’s planned, when I planned to eat it — and yet incorporate crappier food items in my plan. However, things are just so much better when I also pick quality foods.

Like today, for example. At breakfast, I enjoyed 0% Greek yogurt mixed with some sliced strawberries and a little honey. I made a salad of chopped kale with shredded broccoli, a sprinkle of feta and a mix of olive oil and balsamic vinegar. Last night, I made a lentil soup and threw in more kale. All very tasty for lunch today. Tonight I grilled some skirt steak and ate it with a small garnet sweet potato and some steamed green beans. It was a delicious dinner.

Physically, I am completely satisfied, emotionally I’m happy for the healthy choices. However, there’s a part of me that craves something fried and sweet. If someone walked in with a hot-from the fryer doughnut that had been rolled in cinnamon sugar, they’d be lucky to retain their hands after I swiftly grabbed away the treat.

This is not to say that I have to go for the rest of my life without every having greasy, sugary or otherwise fatty food. Everything in moderation is part of a balanced lifestyle, at least in my opinion. I just wish I wasn’t so often tempted by those things.

Whenever I see someone say that they don’t care for chocolate, they don’t eat sweets, they don’t have a taste for carbs/fried foods/pick something else that is more calorie laden and fill in the blank, I think, “Are they for real?”

Then there are the people who truly can just take a dab, a small spoonful, a single forkful, a slight taste of something. They get the flavor, savor, swallow, and are satisfied. I would love that food attitude. Instead, I got the, “One bite is never enough” characteristic. I’m the, “Try that bite and you could trigger an all night binge” girl.

I’m not whining about the situation. (Or at least not terribly much.) It is what it is. I’m just indulging in a little wishful thinking before going to bed after another good food/eating day.

Body Matters General Musings

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Obsessing Less About Food

by Mary Stella

Compulsive overeaters spend a lot of time thinking about food. We can obsess over what we eat, what we might eat, what we have eaten, when we’ll eat again and what. What we should eat, what we shouldn’t have eaten.

Honestly, the food thoughts go on and on and on.

When I am doing well on program and leading my life abstaining from compulsive overeating, I notice that I am spend a whole lot less time obsessing over food and eating. For me, this is one of the hallmarks of serenity in recovery.

I like planning out my meals, preparing and then not thinking about them until it’s time to eat. When I’m doing well on program, I can live days at a time like this. I do it one day at a time, but those days add up. When I’m not doing well, I wear myself out emotionally and mentally.

Ever since Christmas, I’ve had a strong of really good days which is why I am feeling the serenity of not thinking about food, or a least why I’m aware of being serene. There’s a marked contrast so it’s truly obvious.

A series of recovery days also free me from other negative feelings like guilt, frustration, sadness, self-directed anger and other messy stuff.

Positiveness, serenity, and hope are better. Much better.

I feel more connected to my recovery than I have for a while. I do not believe this is a coincidence since, for the first time in years, I am doing daily readings first thing in the morning and giving more time to quiet contemplation and other tools. This practice helps me align myself for the day. I’d forgotten how much it helps and plan to keep building on it as the days go on.

General Musings

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Happy New Year!

by Mary Stella

I’ve discussed before that I don’t make resolutions for the new year. I’m keeping on with that tradition. I want the rest of my life to be the best, healthiest, most purposeful experience that I can achieve. I’m resolute in that commitment.

The internet is abuzz with great quotes and inspirational messages, illustrated with great pictures. I like the one I’ve seen several times that’s attributed to Brad Paisley. It says that “Tomorrow is the first blank page of a 365 page book. Write a good one.”

I also saw a quote that my assistant put on a great photo of three of our dolphins. It says, “Year’s end is neither an end nor a beginning, but a going on with all the wisdom that experience can instill in us.” (Hal Borland)

The idea of “a going on” resonated with me, particularly as I embrace my life experiences and pray for wisdom. Something that’s both great timing and great coincidence later occurred for me with that quote. I was going through drawer in the guest bedroom a couple of hours ago and found my old book of daily OA readings called, appropriately For Today.

I used to pick up this book every morning before I got out of bed and read the day’s page. As soon as I saw the book in the drawer, it felt like I’d reconnected with an old friend. I decided that I would begin this practice again. I peeked to get a preview of what I’d read tomorrow and what do you think I saw as the quote at the top of the page? Yep, the Hal Borland quote. Very cool.

So for the rest of today, tomorrow, and every day, I will be going on, hopefully with wisdom, experience, serenity, and all good things that will serve me well and help me serve in return.

I want my life book for 2015 to be a great one.

General Musings

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Self-Care Training

by Mary Stella

I wish I naturally, automatically practiced good self-care. Oh, sure, I do it sometimes and probably more often than I did before, but I don’t automatically treat myself well often enough. Very often, I have to remind myself. It’s strange because gentle support and encouragement are second nature to me when I’m offering them to a friend or family member.

Thinking it over, I do better with bigger gestures to myself, sort of like self-care rewards, but the day to day little positive reinforcements come harder. For some many years I abused myself with my overeating and then compounded the horrible self-treatment with the negative, rotten things I thought about myself and that I said to myself.

I need to retrain myself in this area. I keep going back to the Anne Lamott post on the anti-diet. In it she talks about paying attention to what makes us feel good, one meal at a time. I’ve really been focusing on that the last couple of days. I strive to stay present in the moment as I prepare my food and then while I eat the meals. I remind myself over and over again that it is important for me to do what is good for me and to do what makes me happy.

Paying attention, I find, is key. There are so many distractions in our lives. External distractions are challenging enough, but the negative tapes that sometimes still play in my head are even worse. It’s the negative thoughts that take me away from my mindfulness so that I can inhale a few cookies before I realize what I’m doing. So, I’ve ramped up the self-attention when I’m around the food. Attention leads to mindfulness and so on.

In addition, I also tell myself, often, that I’m treating myself well and I’m worth it. I’m choosing to eat healthy and not go off of my plan into compulsive eating because I’m taking care of myself. And I’m worth it. I looked at the beautiful, fresh, crisp salad that I put together for dinner (fresh, chopped kale, shredded broccoli, carrots, red cabbage, diced sweet onion, a little feta, some walnuts) and acknowledged that making it was a way to treat myself well. So was the way that I ate it with some roast chicken — slowly, savoring the tastes, appreciating everything about the experience.

A corporate coach tells us that it takes 21 days to adopt a new behavior. I hope that I can continue building on this self-training for the next three weeks, do it consistently, and continue to really develop a daily naturalness in self-care.

General Musings My Progress

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Thinking Back

by Mary Stella

One of our fellow blog readers is having weight loss surgery tomorrow. She posted about it in comments here on my Things I Can Do Better post a few posts back, so I’m not speaking out of turn or blowing her anonymity. ForestJane, I wish I’d gotten your email address! If you happen to read this tonight before your surgery, please know that I’m thinking of you and sending you giant-sized good vibes and positive energy. Please, when you can, check in and let us know that all went well, okay?

Three years ago at this time, I was a little shy of four weeks pre-surgery. I had two weeks to go before starting the two week, full liquid diet before the surgery. Many, in fact I think most, bariatric surgeons require this regimen of their patients. Going full liquid helps to shrink the size of our livers which are somewhat inflated by our lousy eating habits. If I understood it correctly, a smaller liver is easier to maneuver out of the way when the doctor’s in there working on reducing the size of the stomach.

Starting that regimen is a big step. For me it was a strong show of my commitment to move forward and it also signaled my unofficial countdown to the day that would ultimately change not only my stomach, but also my life forever. Those two weeks were interesting, scary, exhilarating, and challenging all at the same time. Scary because I was so afraid that I’d screw up, let my eating disorder get the best of me, and go binge on chocolate cupcakes or something else, thus f*&%ing up my master plan. Exhilarating because as each day passed with my successful adherence to the guidelines, weight dropped off. I think I lost nearly 20 pounds in two weeks which made me feel great. I was on my way! Challenging because, hey, when you usually eat whatever, whenever, and how much, suddenly restricting to protein shakes and cream soups isn’t easy. I have to admit that the fear was a great gut check. I so badly wanted to do the surgery that if I even thought for a milisecond about sneaking a teeny piece of chocolate, the fear said, “No! You’ll ruin everything!!!”

Interesting were the reactions that I received from a couple of friends and co-workers. From the time that I’d begun to share my decision to have wls with them, they were supportive. Team Mary all of the way, they declared, and they helped me accommodate everything it took with all of the required tests, examinations, follow up doctor appointments and other practical matters. They willingly talked to me about the journey whenever and however I needed.

What I didn’t know was that some of them were stifling fear for me. Although they very much wanted me to lose weight and get healthy, they were also frightened that I would not survive the surgery.

I have to say that, although I know that every surgery carries risk, it never once occurred to me while I planned this that I could die on the operating table or die from complications after. I should say it never once occurred to me until the day that I happily proclaimed to a co-worker that I’d already lost 15 pounds on the liquids and she reacted by crying and asking me why I couldn’t just continue to do this until I lost all of the weight. She was so afraid for me, she exclaimed.

The intensity of her fear stunned me in that instant. I had no idea. If memory serves, I sat their slack-jawed for a moment and then answered her with the truth from my heart. “If I could lose the weight I need to lose without having the surgery, I would have done it before now,” I answered. “I’ve tried and always failed. This is my last chance.”

Flash forward, of course, to the happy ending. I survived the surgery and ever since. When I came back to work I found out in a roundabout way that the fear expressed to me that day had been shared and discussed by others. I have to say they did a great job of concealing it from me. I’m glad because it only would have resulted in me feeling really horrible that I was the source of such anxiety.

Thinking back to where I was three years ago right now, I’m so happy that I focused on my hope and determination and did not let fear – my own or others’ – rule the day.

Today, as a reminder to myself, to Jane, to all of you who are going after what you need and want, and to all of you who might need a little boost in that direction, I’d like to share a little inspirational photo and message:

(Photo borrowed from Dolphin Research Center’s Facebook page. Click here to check it out.

Body Matters General Musings The Past is the Past

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Home From the Holidays

by Mary Stella

I arrived back home in the Florida Keys about an hour ago at 8 p.m. after a full day of travel from Pennsylvania which was prefaced by a crappy night’s sleep. Although that trip was smooth with no delays, I am exhausted. For the life of me, I do not know how I handled traveling when I was 386 pounds. The sheer effort of slogging between parking garages, terminals and concourses is enough to make anyone want to collapse for a nap on their luggage or, better yet, crib a ride on one of those rented luggage carts.

Complaining aside, I loved spending time with my family and friends. I always try to drive around and see as many people as possible, yet even with my best effort and planning, I never managed to see everyone.

My weird ailment on Friday eased up on Saturday in that I no longer needed to throw up every few hours. I continue to have some lingering discomfort in other, shall we say “tuneful”, ways but I’m sure that too will pass. (Hah, what a horrible, unintended pun. *snicker*) I don’t have much appetite, which is not a bad thing as, prior to my illness, I was eating too much of too many things that I don’t normally consume — or at least don’t normally consume in meals so close together. This eating pattern very likely contributed to the gastric issues.

This leads me to looking ahead. As you all know, because I keep talking about it, I’m recommitting to my recovery plan. For the longest time, I’ve been thinking about this in terms of finally, finally, finally, losing the remaining pounds that I want to shed. The third year anniversary of my weight loss surgery is approaching. While I cannot lose the weight by that date, I truly am determined.

However, in recent days, my approach to achieving the ultimate goal has shifted. That is because the ultimate goal itself has changed. I owe it all to Anne Lamott. If you have not seen this post, about what she refers to as the Anti-Diet, I urge you to read it. It provided an “aha” moment, the likes of which I have not experienced in quite some time. If you aren’t on Facebook, don’t worry. She must have her profile set to public. You can read it without signing in to FB.

So many things she says in her post hugged my heart. This anti-diet idea is about treating ourselves with love, gentle acceptance, more love, and self-care. It’s about doing for ourselves what we would do for others; preparing and serving ourselves food in meals that we would offer an honored, loved guest. It’s also about not letting our clothes and how we fit in them define our self-esteem.

If you were coming to my house for dinner, I would not feed you unhealthy crap. I would take the time to select fine quality, fresh ingredients and cook you a delicious, balanced, nutritious meal that you would, hopefully, love.

Sitting across from you at the table, I would eat the same tasty, healthy meal, savoring each bite instead of mindlessly shoveling it into my mouth.

Food is not love. Eating nutritious, balanced meals in a healthy manner is, however, a way to practice good self-care, to treat myself with love, respect, honor and kindness. By keeping this in mind with my food choices, I will support my recovery in a number of ways. With the commitment to my physical exercise for health and good eating, I know that, ultimately, weight will come off. However, the bar for health will be in the way that I treat myself, not the numbers on the scale or the way my clothes fit.

Before I left the mainland on the drive home this afternoon, I stopped at a well-known produce stand. I bought fresh fruits and veggies that delighted me with their quality and bright colors. Kale, romaine, green beans, spaghetti squash, pineapple, Florida strawberries and a mamey sapote. In deference to my slightly shaky system, I augmented this freshness with some soups from the supermarket. The intention is to eat lighter than usual over the next several days to see how my body reacts.

Most of all, now that I’m once more home from the holidays, I’m going to commit to not dieting, but to nourishing myself – body, heart and soul.

Body Matters General Musings The Past is the Past

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Self-Doubt

Buying Clothes in “Normal” Stores

Changing Lifestyle

The Birthday Cake Whine

Food Attitude

Obsessing Less About Food

Happy New Year!

Self-Care Training

Thinking Back

Home From the Holidays

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