Weighty Matters

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Mood and Food Connections

It’s been a crazy week.  Correction, it’s been a crazy couple of weeks — all work/industry related.  Lots of work, often unexpectedly, which took higher priority over the many projects already on my list of things that needed to be accomplished.  This all creates no small amount of related stress.  I’ve never been one who could just leave it all behind at the office when I leave.  Out of sight is definitely not out of mind.  I keep thinking about the circumstances, working on solutions or tactics, figuring on what needs to be done, what could be done better, what I can bring to the table in a positive way, how can I best serve.  All that kind of stuff goes on in my brain whether I’m at work actively devoting time to the situation or not.

Even some people who are not compulsive overeaters with eating disorders will stress-eat.  (Or stress drink, stress shop, stress whatever.)  Whether the behavior distracts from that which is creating the stress, or whether the food or other behavior is a form of self-medication, it is still not the healthiest coping mechanism in the world.  In my case, it can trigger repeated compulsive eating, even when I am no longer strongly in the throes of the stress incident/situation itself.  The long-term residual effects can be much more damaging than the temporary handful of chips or extra piece of chocolate.  Then the fact that I was compulsive creates further negative reactions because I get all kinds of pissed off at myself for not handling the situation without using food.

The mood-food connection is strong.  Sometimes I am stronger; sometimes I’m not.  In order to combat the increased stress and craziness of the last couple of weeks, I’ve tried to be good to myself whenever I can.  No, I’m not always eating right, but I’m trying to keep up with the two decent dog walks a day. (By the way, I finally ordered myself another Fitbit to replace the one I ruined by including it in the wash-dry cycle.  The replacement arrives by Tuesday so I’ll get back to logging my steps.  I find it’s very motivating to go for the minimum of 10K steps a day!)  I practice my Tai Chi which is not only good physical exercise, but good for easing stress.  I keep up with my daily readings and do my best to practice self-kindness and acceptance to replace beating myself up for imperfect actions.

This weekend, I’ve scheduled a facial which is so much more than taking care of my skin.  It’s very relaxing and good for my spirit.  I have a lot of chores around the house that need to be done, but I’m also going to take some time to go and paint pottery.  A little time in creative endeavors will also nourish my serenity and calmness.  I can focus on that and not on stressful things.  Keeping my fingers crossed for calm winds on Sunday so I can also take a boat ride.  It’s been too long since I splashed my boat and time on the water is one of the most relaxing things that I can do.

Food-wise, I have yummy fresh vegetables in the house from our organics delivery earlier this week.  I attempted to make a version of fried tomatoes last night.  The results weren’t great, but they weren’t totally inedible.  I also roasted some romanesco which is a very pretty cousin of broccoli and cauliflower.  I have fresh Brussels sprouts to cook in a favorite recipe too.  Eating nourishing, delicious food that aligns with my food plan reinforces good self-care.  The act of cooking said delicious food is relaxing.  I can connect mood and food in positive, not damaging ways.  Healthier all around.

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Update to the February 3rd Post about Facing a Fear:  I successfully faced my fear and climbed up the temporary tower.  My heart pounded the whole way and was still pounding when I stood up there the first time.  I was even more nervous about climbing down.  However, I did the return trip successfully as well.  So, I’m good to go and can participate in the activity.  I know that I’m not going to fall or break anything on the structure.  So, booyah to me!

 

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Reforming the Fitness Habit

I’ve heard from a lot of different sources that it takes 21 days of consistent repetition to form a new habit.  That might be, but then it takes days 22 to forever, to keep that habit going.  Among other things, I realized that I haven’t been as physically active as I was about six months ago.

No, I haven’t gone all sluggish and slothful, but I’m simply not quite as diligent.  If I’m going to ride my bike for several miles in the morning, I want it to be at least semi-light out, so I fell out of that routine when the days reached the point that it was still more dark at 6 a.m.  Then I was tired in the morning and didn’t bound out of bed with good energy.  I dawdled longer in my morning routine which then cut the amount of time I had for a walk with the pups.

After work It was easy for me to convince myself that I was sooo tired that the dogs and I could settle for a shorter walk than the nice half hour-45 minutes.  This kind of lazy thinking makes me the most upset.  Those shorter walks not only don’t do me as much good, but I’m shortchanging the dogs on the physical and mental stimulation that they need!

So, it doesn’t matter that I was super enthusiastic and consistent for a few years with my devotion to exercise.  When you let yourself get out of the habit, it’s easy to keep sliding down and cutting back.

Not good.  Not good at all.  I’m adjusting my attitude on this again too.  It all starts with the mental dedication.  When the side of me that wants to be lazy comes up with excuses, the rest of me gives it a, “Shut up and put on your walking shoes” look.  The wind eased way down yesterday afternoon so I jumped on my bike for a 7 mile ride.

The dogs get two walks a day with one of them being longer.  Sometimes with my schedule, it might be a challenge to get those walks in but all three of us need them so I just need to be more creative with my scheduling.

One of the cool things about all this is that more exercise doesn’t make me more tired.  Being physical actually kindles more energy.  Since I increased my activity the week that I was away on the cruise, I’ve felt better with more pep in my step.

Because my mindset has been a bit screwed up, I probably don’t have full objectivity about this whole thing.  Honestly, I’m sure that I haven’t gotten as lazy as I think.  The fall back behavior for me when I’m not doing all that I think I should is to then turn around and blame myself, deciding that I’m doing even worse.  Hellish diseased thinking, that!

Whatever the case, I like being back on an acceptable course.  It’s better for me all around.

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Face Everything And Recover

I’ve made it more than 36 hours without weighing myself.  Funny how that seems so hard when I’ve made the conscious choice not to get on a scale, as compared to being away for a week and not even thinking about getting weighed.  This is turning into a great lesson.  It came to me expressed so clearly when I was riding my bike after work.  I need to keep repeating this to myself and reinforcing it in my mindset so that it truly sinks in.

It’s not about what I weigh; it’s about how I’m eating.  Recovery comes from not compulsively overeating.

I’ve had two days of compliance with my food program.  Keeping my focus on eating according to my plan and not grabbing things impulsively is so powerful. Just two days of abstinence lightens my spirit, mood and how I think.  I treat myself better emotionally when I’m clean and clear of diseased eating behavior.  I’m looking forward to doing it all over again tomorrow — one day at a time.

Moving on with a different topic focus, I have a fear that I need to face.  Something’s come up at work where more of us from a variety of departments are needed to help with some observations  Some of these observations are done from the vantage point of a temporary tower and one has to climb a ladder to get up into the tower.

The structure is sturdy.  Really sturdy.  It was built with every attention to detail, strength, stability and safety.

I am afraid to climb the ladder and go into the tower.  It’s not that I don’t have the arm and leg strength for the climb.  I’m not so fearful of heights that being in the tower itself scares me.  Heck there’s another taller, bigger tower that I go up to on a regular basis.  Oh really, I’ve zip lined!  I want to go up in a hot air balloon.  So this fear really isn’t about the height of the structure.

It’s the darned ladder and my mind throwing back to when I was so heavy that I could have broken one of those ladder rungs.  Logically, I know this is not going to happen now.  Heavier people than I go up and down that ladder without incident.  This fear thing is best summed up as False Evidence Appearing Real.  The old reality is lurking in my mind like a child’s “monster in the closet”.

I need to confront my diseased mindset; open the door to the closet, let in the light and expose that the monster isn’t real.  In short, I need to go up that ladder into the tower and demonstrate to myself that I am not too fat.  I won’t break the rungs.  The structure will not crack and crumble under my weight.

It’s a little surprising that I’m experiencing this fear.  I think it’s a continuation of me having lost a little confidence in myself because I’ve been sort of stalled and focused on the wrong aspects of my recovery.  I’ve let the doubts and fears crowd out the “can do” rekindled spirit of adventure that I’ve been enjoying — the one that led me to do that zip line adventure and the dozens of other activities I’ve explored in the last few years.

It’s time to look the issue in the eye, then face everything and recover.

I won’t have the opportunity to tackle this tomorrow.  I’m aiming for Thursday.  Wish me luck.  I’ll report back for sure!

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Scale Separation Anxiety

Holy cow.  I weighed myself one final time this morning because, for all of my brave talk yesterday, I wanted, needed to know my number before I embarked on giving up the scale and not focusing on the number.  Oh sure, if I’d been really strong I wouldn’t have gotten on the scale this morning, but I caved.  I’m glad that I did because I received the reassurance that I did not gain weight on my cruise.  So, Booyah for me on that point.

After I saw the number, I got off of the scale and nudged it under the dresser.  There it will remain.  I am determined that I am not going to weigh every day, or even once a week.  I think I should go for 30 days of abstinent living and not weigh myself for a month.

Can I tell you that the thought of going that long tenses me up?  I haven’t even gone a regular 24 hours without weighing myself and I’m already feeling some separation anxiety.

This is ridiculous.  Clearly I am even more obsessed with my weight number than I realized — and I thought I’d realized that I am pretty damn obsessed.  Friends, let me tell you.  Feeling this stress and tension drives home the point that I really need to take this action and break my scale number addiction.  In appropriate doses, the scale number can be a healthy measure of progress.  What I’m doing, this fixation, is not healthy.  So, changing the behavior is, I think, a step in the right direction.  I am even more determined to focus my attention and effort on eating in an abstinent manner — making it my daily goal to be abstinent for the day, each day, one day at a time.

Abstaining from compulsive overeating is the essence of my recovery.  Losing excess weight is the happy extra benefit.  (Hah — can I be my own friend with bennies?  Bad joke.  Sorry.)

Okay.  Here we go.  I’m going to make a commitment.  I honestly don’t know if I can hold out for a whole month, so I’m going to shoot for a shorter commitment but still one that’s a significant amount of time to count.  I will not weigh myself again until Monday, February 16th.  Two weeks.  I can do this.  Instead of obsessing over my weight number, I will concentrate on my abstinence and recovery.  Every day.  One day at a time.

By the way, I had a great abstinent day today.  I don’t want to let my scale issues cloud the acknowledgment that today was a good food day.

Tomorrow, I wake up and do it again.

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Goal-Setting Revamp

When I dieted, I lived and died by the numbers.  Okay, that’s overly dramatic because, hey, I never actually died, but it’s not an exaggeration to say that I fixated on the scale number as the sole measure for my success.  (I originally typed that as soul measure which, in its own way, is also accurate.)

It wasn’t enough for me to say that I wanted to lose X number of pounds.  Oh no, I had to say things like, “I want to lose three-four pounds a week” or “Must lose 20 pounds before such and such date”.  I was ruled by this practice.  It has taken me a lonnnngg time to realize that not only am I setting myself up for unreasonable expectations because I always determine high numbers for the measure, but also in so doing, I was creating huge stress for myself.

Anytime I obsess over any aspect of my program and progress, I stress myself out.  It all becomes an exercise of wondering and worrying what my weight will be any time I get on the scale.  Then, if I didn’t hit what I projected, or didn’t think I would hit the week’s goal, I’d add negative feelings of disappointment, disillusionment, despair, self-loathing and other things to my stress.

Then, in true compulsive overeater/food addict form, I’d want to eat huge amounts of not-good-for-me foods to try to squelch those horrible feelings.

When I first started learning more about my compulsive eating disorder and joined OA, I learned to focus less on the numbers.  Instead the goal was to just follow my program one day at a time.  I worked on developing self-honesty as to whether I’d been abstinent of compulsive eating.  I didn’t set weekly or monthly goals for the number of pounds I wanted to lose.

I began to learn how to foster self-esteem in ways that were not connected to my weight and body size.  I wasn’t obsessed with numbers but with taking good care of myself through healthy, non-diseased eating.

I’m thinking about this a lot today.  I still haven’t gotten on the scale since returning from the cruise.  At first, this started because of pure avoidance.  If I gained weight while on vacation I did not want to know because I didn’t want to feel lousy about myself.  Now, a week later, this has shown me how, once more, I’ve become such a slave to the numbers as the measure of whether I’m in recovery.

That’s not the way to do this for me.  The measure of recovery and healthy eating is the process.  Am I following my program, maintaining my defined abstinence from compulsive overeating, making healthy choices?  Those are the things that matter.  If I’m not paying attention to those things but monkeying around, I could still end up with a good number on the scale – but it would be a false indication of the consistency of my abstinence and recovery.

In the course of writing out this blog and working through my thoughts, I’ve decided that I’m going to shove my scale under the dresser for the foreseeable future and go back to solely focusing on my daily behavior.   Look, if I do this one day at a time and build up long abstinence, I will lose weight.  That’s a given.  However,  can let it happen in a relaxed, stress-free, natural time frame, sans the obsession on the scale number.The commitment to abstinence is the single most important tool.   I need it to continue long term recovery.

I feel it’s important to point out that what is necessary for me is not automatically what is necessary for anyone else.  Not every person who is overweight has an eating disorder.  One size does not fit all when it comes to weight loss and healthier living.  I support every individual discovering what works and is appropriate for them and salute them as they follow their own path.

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Achieving Re-Entry

Whenever I leave the Keys for vacation and then return, I feel like I’m splashing back into my regular life from another planet.  No matter where I go or what I’m doing, trips away take me out of the customary routine.  The amount of time required to readjust is determined by how long I was away, where I went, and what I was doing.

It’s been particularly challenging for me this week, no doubt in part because I was so far away and on a cruise ship and then, when I returned, I brought home a cold.  So, I’ve been sick and more tired than usual.  I started doing the liquid detox and then realized that I had to go back off of the rock out of town all day on Wednesday to a regional forum.  That was a long day.  A good one, but it also threw me out of my routine.

One other strong reminder for me is that it’s easier to stay on the wagon than to climb back on it when you’ve fallen off.  So, I’m a little out of sorts this week and am relying on not letting the little I can do keep me from doing the little I can do.  I’m definitely eating better than I did while away, which is good.  I’m not perfect, but I’m better, and that’s an improvement.  I’ve been busy as all get out with work which impacts my available time.  While the dogs and I haven’t gotten out for long treks, we are at least getting in daily shorter walks.  Again — the little I can do is getting done.

I’m giving myself this week to get my act together.  The cold is waning.   I have a few things planned for this weekend but nothing stressful that will wear me out.   I’m getting used to my own routine again and that just feels better all around.

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Home from the Cruise

Thank you all for the good wishes about my trip.  I had an amazing fun time.  I love country music and every day featured multiple concerts, interview sessions and other activities.  Plus, I met numerous nice people from all over the country – many of whom I will remain in touch with going forward.

We visited three ports plus the cruise line’s private island.  I was active in all four places.  I also walked all over the ship, seemingly all of the time, every day.  I also frequently took the steps, climbing four or five decks.  For fun, I took part in three or four hour-long line dance lessons and then a couple of times went up for the nightly dancing again.

Full disclosure time:  I ate well every day, but I did not eat right.  By right, I mean that my good intentions apparently stayed in port when I sailed away.  I definitely ate too many carbs and too much sugar.  I’m not going to lie or pretty it up.  I won’t claim that I didn’t mean to do it.  I got on board surrounded by all of that delicious food and I ate it.  Conscious choice.

So all of the activity was intended to be not only for fun, but also to partially compensate for the increased caloric intake.

I am absolutely terrified to get on the scale.  So, I’m not going to right away.  Now that I’m home, starting tomorrow I’m going to do a three day liquid diet with protein drinks and fresh fruit & veggie smoothies.  Because I know that I get a crunch-texture craving when I do this, I also have some celery sticks and crisp apples.  Those will be the only deviations.

This is a real test of recovery for me.  It is one thing to deviate so drastically from my food plan.  It is another thing all together to pull my act together and get back on track.

Emotionally, deviating from the plan did not affect me.  I wasn’t consumed with guilt.  It didn’t make me feel fat and ugly.  A couple of my daily readings reminded me not to let those negative feelings and emotions overtake me and ruin my fun.  Instead, I enjoyed myself.  I was social all of the time.  I took part in snorkeling excursions, and a bike and kayak ride.

I wore a beautiful gown for costume night and joined the parade across the stage.  I was even mildly flirted with by a charming Texas gentleman who asked me to dance and assured me I’d do fine even though I’d A) never danced the Texas two-step and B) was dressed in a full gown and hoop skirt.  I’m delighted to say that I didn’t stumble, trample his toes, or tangle us up in a satin heap of material.  I was actually on the graceful side and I do not have a lot of experience dancing in a couples’ dance.  So, booyah for me!

Even though all of the musical artists mingle around the ship and are open to people approaching them for photos and autographs, I am so reluctant to go up and ask.  Seriously, I’m such a nerd about it.  However, I will help out a friend on ship if they need someone to be their photographer while they get a photo taken.  Honestly, doing that paved the way for me to also get into a few pictures.  Not once, I’m proud to say, did I think any bad thoughts of myself or my body as in, “I hate asking these people to put an arm around my fat self.”

Seriously, years ago, that thought would absolutely have prevented me from asking.  Oh hell, when it came to pictures, I was always eager to stand in back of a group instead of actually letting my body be seen.  So, I am also proud that I was even willing to pose – and that I’m willing to share the photos here.  Enjoy!

Like I said, I had a great time and am now excited to get back on track and down to business!

I felt beautiful in this gown and loved that so many people complimented me and the dress.

I felt beautiful in this gown and loved that so many people complimented me and the dress.

After we took this photo, he played with my hair and complimented my curls.  I didn't feel too much like a cougar. :-)

Singer/songwriter Darryl Worley and me. After we took this photo, he played with my hair and complimented my curls. I didn’t feel too much like a cougar. 🙂

 

Singer-songwriter Wade Hayes and me on costume night.  He is a super nice guy and complimented me on my outfit.

Singer-songwriter Wade Hayes and me on costume night. He is a super nice guy and complimented me on my outfit.

I've been a big fan of Larry Gatlin and the Gatlin Brothers for more than 20 years.  I was thrilled to get a photo with him - particularly since I didn't last year.  He was so nice about it!

I’ve been a big fan of Larry Gatlin and the Gatlin Brothers for more than 20 years. I was thrilled to get a photo with him – particularly since I didn’t last year. He was so nice about it!

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Sleep is Not Over-Rated

Lately I keep seeing reports about the important role that getting enough sleep plays in weight loss and overall health.  I’ve noticed that I am long past the days when I could function on five hours of sleep.  Oh, how I remember the days of my 20s when I’d work all day and then go out about 9:30 p.m. and party until 2 or 3 a.m. before crashing into bed for a few hours of shut eye.  The alarm clock would go off at 8  a.m. and off I’d go to work again.

Those days are so far gone that I can’t imagine keeping that kind of sleep-deprived routine on a regular basis.  I also remember even in my 30s that I’d regularly stay up until 12:30 or 1 am playing on my computer.

These days, I’m lucky if I make it to 11 p.m. on a work night and when I do, there’s probably been some point in the evening when I dozed off for 20 minutes on the couch.

It has become increasingly apparent to me that I need to pay attention to my body and brain and respond to my own sleep cycles.  If I’m tired at 10 p.m., I go to bed.  On the weekends, if I don’t have to get up at 6:30 a.m., I do my best to sleep or at least rest for a little longer before rolling out to start the day.  Getting enough quality sleep is not a luxury.  It’s necessary for me to function at my best.

When I’m too tired, I am less mentally alert and, therefore, less prepared to stay on track with my recovery.  I am far more likely to make crappy decisions about my food, eating, and exercise choices when I’m tired.  There’s more to the sleep and weight loss connection.  Apparently, when our bodies are tired, our metabolisms don’t function as efficiently.  My metabolism is challenged enough with my age, my post-menopausal state, and my years of yo-yo dieting.  If getting enough sleep can help, I’m all for it.

Speaking of which, it’s 11 o’clock and I can actually feel my brain starting to shut down.  That’s more than enough of a clue to tell me it’s time that I logged off for the night and went to bed.

Sweet dreams and good sleep, everyone!

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Buying Clothes in “Normal” Stores

I’ve talked about shopping for clothes several times, but I’m experiencing some more new stuff.  The whole experience of going into pretty much any store and finding clothes in my size is still not something to which I am accustomed.  It isn’t natural behavior and, sometimes, I need to remind myself to take the plunge.

That happened in September when my friend and I were in Key West and passed a Chico’s store that was having a big end-of-summer sale.  She suggested we go in.  “Oh no,” I said.  “I’ll never find anything.”  My mind kept going to all of the Chico’s ads I’d seen on television with the very tall, slender models.  My friend told me that the store had sizes that would go up to what I’m currently wearing — and she was right.

Several months ago I discovered that I can go into this local ladies sportswear store and find clothes in my size.  I still figured that was an anomaly.

Yesterday I went to Key West to hang out with some friends.  I’m leaving for a cruise soon and needed a few sporty tops and, hopefully, a pair of shorts or cropped length pants to round out my shipboard wardrobe.  I thought I’d check out Chico’s.  When I rounded the corner, another shop’s windows caught my eye — Fresh Produce.  Honestly, my first thought was, “No way.  Don’t even bother.”  I took a deep breath and went as far as the sale racks that were close to the door.

Well, what do you know?  They had clothes in a variety of sizes from XS to XXL.  Some were numbered, but not in the regular number sizes, you know, 6, 8, 14, 18.   I am not good at looking at a garment and assessing whether it will fit my body.  My body shape and image are still distorted in my mind’s eye.

I asked a salesperson for help.  She was cheerful and friendly when she informed me that it all depended on the garment.  Two different saleswomen told me that they wear any of three different sizes from the store.  Hmmm.

So, I learned that there is no standard for XS or M or even XXL.  An XXL in this store could be the equivalent of an L in another.  Heck, it wasn’t even that close a comparison — an XXL in one shirt could be similar in size to an L in the one next to it on the sales rack.

There truly was no way to guess and I found that I had to get over a couple of hangups about the size on the tag.

I thought of that Anne Lamott Anti-Diet post a week or so ago where she says that there are enough things affecting her self-esteem without her jeans and clothes having an opinion.  I vowed to not negatively judge myself over the size on the tag.  XL didn’t mean that I’d swelled up and gained weight.  It meant that the particular garment was designed and cut smaller than other styles.

The only things that mattered were: Did the clothing catch my eye?  Did it fit when I put them on?  Did I like the way that I looked in them when I wore them?  Did I like it – period?

Once I put the sizes out of my mind, my shopping stress level dropped and I had a really nice time picking out a few great things.  When I left, I was not only pleased with my purchases, but I was also very happy that I’d confronted my apprehension about even going into a so-called “normal” clothing store.

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Changing Lifestyle

The process of changing a lifestyle is more important than reaching a goal or measuring a performance. – Theodore Isaac Rubin

This quote was part of my daily reading the other day.  It really summed up what I continue to struggle with  in my recovery.  I know that my recovery is all about changing my lifestyle from unhealthy and sedentary to healthy with physical fitness and activity.  Yet, all too often I still measure my success in whether I strictly adhered to a rigorous protocol of food choices and what the number says on the scale.

These issues battle for control in my head all of the time.  The one that is winning on any given day all too often determines how I feel about myself.  When I focus too much on my weight by number or whether, goodness sake, I actually treated myself to some pasta at dinner or a single cupcake for dessert, I send myself right back into the diseased thinking of “You failed.  You ruined today.”

When I focus on how much I’ve achieved with my overall lifestyle change; when I embrace that I am SO much healthier in the way that I eat, the food choices I make, the physical activities that I enjoy doing, the adventures that I explore; I feel so much better emotionally, mentally and spiritually too.

I need to cultivate positive reinforcement for my lifestyle change.  I need to notice when I have a good, balanced day.  I also need to be mindful about how I talk to myself or quiz myself.   Did I choose the things I ate with care, or did I eat mindlessly, driven by compulsion?  Was I in balance in the actual food choices – healthy, fresh, natural most of the time and not so much fatty, low-quality, over-processed foods?  If I ate anything compulsively, or over-indulged at some point in less healthier food choices, I shouldn’t go on to castigate myself.  Nothing is served by mentally berating myself.  I can look at the day objectively and treat myself with love, understanding, and a re-commitment.

Was I physically active?  I don’t need to march a 5K every day, but some part of my day needs to include some sort of activity — walks with the dogs, Tai Chi, a workout DVD, a bike ride.

Consistent commitment to the healthier choices strengthens the foundation of my improved lifestyle far more than obsessing on the scale numbers or the size on the tags of my clothes.  Do I feel good, strong, and energetic?  Am I peaceful and happy in my heart?  Those are the things that matter.

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