Weighty Matters

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It’s Fitting.

I’ve mentioned before that being extremely overweight causes one to be hyperaware of size and surroundings.  For years, I didn’t sit in a chair without first mentally assessing whether it would bear my weight.  In restaurants or large conference halls where tables and chairs are often close together, I’d worry that there wouldn’t be enough room for me to walk between tables without bumping into people or having to ask someone to pull themselves closer to their own tables.

I could list a dozen other examples.  Let me tell you, this constant state of hyperawareness of my size created a lot of stress and tension.

I’m still a larger woman, but I’m a lot less large than I used to be.  I wish I’d lost as much of the hyperawareness, but it’s still present.  However, I’m retraining myself one circumstance at a time.   Whenever I encounter a situation where my body fits better, I take the time to really acknowledge that it’s happened.  I note how it feels.  Doing this not only reduces fear and tension, it also creates smiles and happiness.

When I first went out on my boat, I’d already lost a good chunk of weight.  I could definitely feel the difference just in swinging my leg over the gunwhale.  Then I sat in my captain’s seat and looked at how much more space existed between my stomach and the steering wheel.

The other night while sat at the bar (on a high stool that I was able to much more easily boost myself up on) with my friends, the rest of the restaurant filled up.  When we turned to leave, I had a moment of sharp concern that there wouldn’t be enough room in between the different parties for me to navigate gracefully through the room.  I paused and studied the open space, then had to deliberately remind myself that I am physically smaller than I was months ago.  Maybe at my largest weight I would have had difficulty.   Now, even if some of the spaces were a little tight, they weren’t too tight for me to glide through.

Earlier this evening I drove to a local restaurant to meet friends.  Most of the parking spaces in the lot were already filled except for one between a small sedan and a larger truck.  I figured out that if I pulled in slowly and adjusted, I could fit my SUV in that space, but I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to then open my car door wide enough to exit without having to squeeeeeeeze out.  Six months ago, it would have been a very tight fit and I don’t think I would have succeeded.  Tonight it was still a tight fit, but my body didn’t rub against any part of my car as I got out.  I walked out smiling.

Each one of these examples stands as an NSV.  They also help me rewire my thought patterns.  Each time I fit into or through a smaller space, or sit in a different chair and know that it’s strong enough to hold me, I make a little more progress retraining my perception of my own size.  That, my friends, is truly fitting.

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The Numbers Game

I feel like my weight loss is a little stalled.  Okay, if I’m being honest I haven’t stalled but the rapid rate of pounds dropping has slowed down a little over the last 10 days.

Oh how quickly we grow accustomed to losing three to five pounds a week so losing “only” two pounds feels like a stall.  I’m telling myself to not be ridiculous.  Two pounds are still two pounds and as long as I’m sticking to my food plan and exercising, the weight will continue to come off smoothly and steadily.

The rational adult side of me knows this and is satisfied.  The childish side of me that sometimes comes out to whine says, “But I want to lose fasssterrr!”   That child is tired of thinking, “I’ve lost almost 95 pounds.”   Yes, I admit it.  I wanted to lose 100 pounds at the six month mark.   It was  a secret, seemingly impossible, goal that I set in my head.  If I count by number of weeks, then a week from today will be 24 weeks since my surgery.  Divide that by the average of four weeks to a month and next week counts as 6 months.  I don’t think that I’m going to lose seven pounds in the next seven days.

If I go by the actual calendar date, I can calculate it differently.  I had the surgery on January 25th.  So, perhaps I should really make July 25th the six month mark instead.   I’m positive I can lose the full 100 pounds by then.   If the mathematic month manipulation brings me positive reinforcement, why not?  That’s my decision and I’m sticking to it!

It’s probably not a good idea to focus so strongly on the numbers and I swear that I’m not completely obsessing.  My mood and spirit do not generally fluctuate depending on what I see on the scale.  I know that I’m doing the work and progress will be made.   The most important thing is for me to remember that every day is another step down the road on the journey.  One day at a time I need to stay on track and I’ll get there.

Holy wow.  Look what I’ve done just since January!  That’s what I need to remember when the whiny side makes an appearance.  It should be enough to shut her up.

I was talking to my sister-in-law earlier today and told her that these two pounds were being stubborn.  She reminded me to just keep walking.  Right now, walking is not the most pleasant activity in Florida.  While, ironically, it isn’t as hot here as it is in most of the rest of the country, I don’t love it with the sun baking down on me.  I am, however, committed to just keep moving.  I’m exercising in the pool multiple evenings a week.  I’m faithful to my Tai Chi.  I haven’t been back to Zumba, but next week I am determined to try one of the regular classes to see if I can keep up.  Today I tried a new workout program that I heard about from my friend Beth.  (Hi, B!)  It stars Valerie Bertinelli and her personal trainer.  I popped in the DVD and picked the 20 minute beginner program.  If you’re looking for a program led by friendly, non-intimidating people that actually does deliver some cardio and strength training, this is a good place to start.  There were a couple of floor exercises that I couldn’t quite manage all of the way, but when the program was over, I could feel the positive effects.  I’d also worked up a sweat and boosted my heart rate.

I’m going to supplement my other efforts with this program for a while and then step up to their 40 minute workout.  I also realized mid-way through that I can use several of the exercises in the pool which will increase the effects of that effort.

Is anyone else a Finding Nemo fan?  In it Dory the blue tang (voiced by Ellen DeGeneres) reminds herself to just keep swimming.  Just keep swimming.  When it comes to my journey, playing the numbers game, and continuing to exercise, I’m taking Dory as inspiration and will just keep moving.  Just keep moving.

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Medical Necessities

A dear friend has started the process to have weight loss surgery.  She’s chosen a surgeon and attended his seminar about different options, then met with his surgical coordinator.  Now she needs to schedule the many appointments with different specialists and have a number of examinations and tests.  These are all medically necessary to give an accurate picture of her overall health and clear her for the surgery.

About this time last year I first went to a weight loss seminar and then to the consultation with the surgeon.  Before I left that appointment, they gave me a letter for my primary care physician which listed all of those many tests.  I already knew by then that my health insurance plan wouldn’t cover the actual surgery, but when I looked at the required procedures, I crossed my fingers and hoped that they would at least be covered.  Thankfully, they were, probably because there wasn’t a single test that a doctor wouldn’t reasonably prescribe for someone who is super obese.

Over the next few months I was scanned, scoped, poked, prodded, tested, examined and asked the same questions about my personal and family health history over and over and over again.  In case you’re wondering, by the time the pre-surgical procedures were complete, I’d had:

  • Extensive blood tests — twice
  • A cardiologist exam, EKG, chest x-ray and echocardiogram
  • Pulmonology study and two overnight sleep tests
  • Upper and lower G.I. endoscopy
  • Psychiatric evaluation

Many bariatric patients also have to undergo a nuclear stress test.  I’d had two of them five years prior and neither time was fun.  When the cardiologist told he he didn’t see the need, I almost hugged him in the office and did a happy dance on the way out.

I share all this because, honestly, a lot of people don’t realize how involved the journey is before you even have the surgery.  I also know that most of us would skip as many of these tests as we could if the doctors and hospital would let us get away with it.  I sure would have and that would not have been in my best interest.  In fact, it would have been an enormous risk.  Not that risking my health was anything new to me.  Look how long I’d been obese, than morbidly obese, then beyond that — all the time knowing, but shutting out of my mind, that I was risking early death from heart attack, stroke, cancer or numerous other conditions.

Then we can factor in that many extremely overweight people avoid going to the doctor even for regular check ups.  I was better about that in recent years, but there were stretches of time before when I neglected to have even the most important, routine examinations.  I metaphorically buried my head in the sand and ignored common sense and rational thought.  Over the years, I hated going in for checkups or anything else, pretty much because I didn’t want to face the scale and the doctor and hear the lecture I knew I deserved.  Because of this, God only knows how long I had high blood pressure and Type II diabetes before I was actually diagnosed and put on medication a few years ago.  I’ve probably suffered sleep hypopnia for several years, too, but never got tested until last fall.

The worst experience of getting lectured by a doctor happened in 2007 when I had acute gall bladder problems.  Suffering great discomfort, I finally went to see the doctor.  After asking a few questions and examining me for five minutes, he concluded it was my gall bladder and wrote orders for further diagnostic tests I could have the next morning.  He was positive I’d need surgery and arranged everything so that I could have it after the tests.  He then launched into a lengthy scold of why I absolutely had to have weight loss surgery.  I was literally lying in pain on his examination table while he went on and on and on.  I just nodded and told him I’d think about it, but right then I was only thinking about getting through the night.

The following morning I went into the hospital where a scan confirmed that a sizeable gall stone had blocked a duct.  An hour later I was in surgery.  The following day when the doctor came in to write my discharge orders, he took the time to lecture me again about weight loss surgery.  In fact, he came thisclose to telling me I was stupid to put it off.

Looking back, I realize that, even though he’d done the surgery laparascopically with less invasion, I could have died just from the anasthesia because we really didn’t have a clear picture of my overall health.

So last fall, when I got the list of what I’d need to do before I would be cleared for the bariatric procedure, I didn’t really complain.  I’d come to see the medical necessity of learning everything we could about my condition inside and out.   When all was said and done, I was pretty happy with the results.  Hypertension, sleep hypopnia and high blood sugar aren’t great, but hot damn, the results could have been so much worse.

It is so much better and healthier to not blind ourselves to our own reality.  Not investigating whether problems exist does not mean they won’t develop.  It’s enough of a risk to be overweight without ratcheting up that risk level by ignoring life-threatening problems.  I’d urge anyone who is obese, whether or not they’re contemplating weight loss surgery, to bite the bullet and go to the doctor.  Get an in depth assessment of your condition.  Find out if there’s something bad going on in your body and treat it.  Not matter what happens after, you’ll be better off in those moments.

By the way, now that I’m almost six months post-surgery, conditions are improving.  I haven’t taken Metformin since the surgery but my blood sugar has dropped around 50 points.  My blood pressure is consistently lower than it was even though the medication is the same.  I won’t be surprisd if the doctor has me try going off one of the two pills to see how I do.  I feel like my heart is strong, my breathing improved, and my body stronger than I ever guessed.  Best of all, it’s only going to continue to get better from here!

 

 

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If Only . . .

Raise your hand if you’ve ever been overweight and heard, “You have such a pretty face.  If only you weren’t overweight.”

Raise your hand if you’ve ever been on the receiving end of any statement that ended with, “…. if only you weren’t overweight.”

Raise both hands if the “if only” part was ever conveyed silently, with a rueful headshake and an implied “tsk tsk”.

I bet if I could see through the screen there would be a fair number of hands raised.

I’ve heard it or seen it implied numerous times over my life.  I cannot remember a time that it didn’t make me cringe and feel absolutely horrible about myself.  It must still bother me on some level or I wouldn’t blog about it now.  Honestly, I don’t know what triggered this topic.  I swear I haven’t heard this lately.  Maybe it’s just that I look at my changing self and have no concept of myself in terms of pretty or cute or attractive or . . . not.  I don’t have a frame of reference.  I simply do not know.

To be honest, if someone compliments me on facial beauty, deep in my heart  don’t believe them.  Even the most sincere person doesn’t penetrate the filter.  It’s like I’m always listening for, expecting, or automatically filling in the “if only”.

A few months ago, a man I know socially in town called me.  He learned from his wife and mutual friends that I’d had weight loss surgery and wanted to offer me support and encouragement.  “You’re in the club now,” he told me.  He had wls a few years ago and he had lots of great advice and suggestions.  He then said, “You were always pretty, but you’re going to be a knockout now.”

I was gracious and thanked him, but that didn’t stop the little voice inside that tells me, “Nope.  Don’t believe it.”

This isn’t a plea for those of you who know me or who have seen my photo to tell me I am.  It’s more of an exercise in embracing my features and body no matter where I am.   I’m really working hard on overcoming the “fat eyes” syndrome I wrote about a few months ago.   I don’t look at my face and think, “Smokin’ hot, baby.”  *snort*  As if I would.  Instead I study it and try to honestly note the progress.  Cheekbones are a little more evident and a jawline is beginning to emerge.  I’m not as puffy and I think I’ve lost at least one chin.   I look at my arms and legs and can see that the muscle definition shows now that more of the flab is gone.

I have more trouble seeing marked changes in my torso and butt.  Although there is less overall mass, they’re still so huge.  The photos help.  So do the smaller clothes.

In the long run, I don’t know whether it matters if I am pretty and can accept myself as such.  It does matter, however, that I recognize and truly accept the improvements in my body.  Skewed perception and fat eyes don’t do anything positive toward supporting my recovery.  Sooner or later, there isn’t going to be a need for anyone to add “if only you weren’t overweight” in thought or spoken sentence.   So, when someone offers a compliment akin to, “You have such a pretty face”, I’d like to be able to accept the words without flinching internally.  I’d like to believe them.

 

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Tai Chi

Before I get to my topic, I want to do a shout out to a very dear, long time friend with whom I’ve recently reconnected.  *waving toward Oklahoma!*  She’s about to embark on her own journey toward weight loss surgery.  We spent a long time in a great “catch-up” phone call.  I’m still smiling.  It’s been too long!  You’re going to do great, girlfriend!

On to the blog post.

This morning I had Tai Chi class.  I’ve now been going since February.  Except for the times when I’ve been away, I’ve been a faithful student, making classes twice a week.  We’ve completed the beginning course where we learn the “set” with 108 moves in sequence.  Some of the moves are repeated throughout the set, but it’s still going to be a while before I can do the entire set on my own and not lose track.  Thankfully we have an instructor and, usually, a more experienced student to follow along with so we don’t get lost.

For those not familiar with Tai Chi, it’s a “soft” martial art.  You’ve probably seen television ads that show groups of mostly older people doing graceful movements in synchrony.  That’s Tai Chi.  There are several different styles, but many of the basics are the same.  It’s good for improving balance, flexibility, mobility and leg strength.  I find that it also reduces stress and improves breathing.

This is the second time I’ve studied Tai Chi.  I first got into it back in 1995 or 1996, studying a different form.  I was diligent for about five years and then fell away when I moved down to Florida.  I do better with some class structure and then bridge that back to practicing the art at home.

I’d seen it advertised here in the Florida Keys some years ago but the classes were about an hour from my home, so I never enrolled.  This winter, I saw that the same society was holding an open house and classes closer to where I live.  I’d only recently had the weight loss surgery so I missed the open house, but a friend posted on Facebook that she’d signed up.  I asked her to find out if they would let me start a few classes late.  They would, so I started going a couple of weeks later.

For someone who has been largely sedentary and out of shape, Tai Chi is a great way to start moving again.  The movements are done fairly slowly with low impact and your ability increases over time with practice.   It isn’t a race, that’s for certain, and nobody expects perfection.  The prevailing attitude in Tai Chi is that you might learn the set in a few months, but you spend a lifetime refining the moves.

Even when I first studied many years ago, I wasn’t in great shape.  I wasn’t at my top weight, but I was still really heavy, but I could still do the moves.  Same thing this go-round but with every week that passes I see improvement.  I don’t need to take frequent breaks.  My leg strength is increasing which makes the weight shifts or empty steps easier to accomplish.  I can stretch more and do certain turns or kicks with greater flexibility and balance.

At the end of the hour long class, my body feels relaxed and loose.  My brain is in a nice relaxed state too.  There’s a reason this is often referred to as meditation in motion.  It’s very difficult for your thoughts to race around when you’re focused on doing the set.  The internal energy — the chi — flowing through me  just makes me feel terrific all over.

I first heard of Tai Chi so many years ago that I can’t remember the year, but it was in a book by Sidney Sheldon.  I’ll have to research the title, but the main female character was wrongly imprisoned.  To save her sanity and work her body while she’s in a small cell, she continues to practice her Tai Chi.  The moves have beautiful and interesting names.  I think the names caught my imagination in the beginning.  White Stork Spreads Wings.  Carry Tiger to the Mountain.  Grasp Bird’s Tail.  Go Back to Ward Off Monkeys.   Fair Lady Works Shuttles.

Honestly, aren’t they great and descriptive?  Now picture yourself gracefully moving through those beautiful moves with intention in every gesture and step.  It’s a powerful exercise all flowing from within.

When you’re as out of shape as I was before renewing my studies, being able to do any part of Tai Chi is greatly encouraging in and of itself.  Over the weeks, feeling myself improve and my body respond with more energy and greater ease of movement, generates even more positive reactions.

Being so overweight for so long, I’d lost connection with my own physical ability.  Most of the time I felt awkward and clumsy.  Now, thanks to Tai Chi, I feel much more graceful and stronger.   There’s an authentic feeling of power and that just makes me feel that much more terrific.

This time I’m determined to continue as a practitioner of Tai Chi.  I’m reaping the benefits of the art and these are making a wonderful, positive difference in my life.

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NSV and Some Random Observations

I experienced a big (for me) Non Scale Victory (NSV) today.  Here comes another one of those confessions that I’ve never shared with anyone before.  🙂  Ten years ago when I started working for my current employer, I was issued a foul-weather jacket.  My boss had ordered it in a larger size, which was great.  Unfortunately, I was still larger.  Although I could put it on, I was never able to make the sides meet in the middle so that I could zip it up.  I never said anything, nor did I ask if I could exchange it for a larger size.  I was too embarrassed.

Today, for the first time in over ten years, I put on the jacket and zipped it up.  It fits!  I was so proud and happy over this one small thing, that I had to wear the jacket to visit a couple of friends and share the news.  I must have seemed like a little kid who received a particularly joyful gift.  Overall it was a great feeling and I still smile tonight when I think about it.

I had to lift and carry some moderately heavy boxes today and yesterday.  While I was toting one, I noticed that I can actually see a somewhat defined bicep muscle in my upper arm.  Granted, I have some batwings of flab underneath but, hot damn, I’m showing some muscles.  Same thing with my calves.  Honestly, the muscles have been there all along.  I’ve been physically strong for yeras.  Many people don’t think about it, but we who are overweight have to be strong just to get around.  Carrying all of those excess pounds builds muscles beneath the fat.

I didn’t feel that strong before, weighted down so much.  Now, with over 90 of those excess pounds gone (Bye, bye and good riddance!), I feel downright powerful.  Booyah!

When I lie down and the remaining fat redistributes, if I press in certain places, I can actually feel my ribcage.  It will be several more months before I can feel those ribs consistently without the fat redistribution, but locating them now with my fingertips reminds me of the improvements still to come.  That’s just glorious, as far as I’m concerned.

I know that even when I’ve lost all of the weight that I want to and achieve the as-yet-decided goal, there will be some things with which I’ll need help.  Even as I increase my exercise, I know that all of the workouts in the world won’t remove all of the flab.  My skin isn’t sagging yet, but it will before I’m done losing weight.  I’m okay with that and absolutely plan to have cosmetic procedures to surgically take away what can be healthily removed.  Although I have significantly less pain in my right knee and more mobility, I’m not confident that I’ll be able to restore it to 100% shape.  I can’t say at this time whether knee replacement is in my future.  I’ll have to see how far I can improve that joint, or how much I can assist it by building up its surrounding muscles.  If it doesn’t measure up all the way to my left knee but doesn’t hamper me or cause me constant pain, I’m sure I’ll be okay without surgery.

A year ago I was bemoaning my condition and living overwhelmed by the knowledge that I was steadily and surely disabling myself with my super obesity.  Today I’m celebrating positive changes and looking forward to continued efforts to lose weight, grow stronger and improve my body.

One day at a time I’m renovating myself with wonderful results.

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Self-Imaginings

I’m not 100% sure where I want to go with this topic, so if I ramble around a little, please forgive.  My thought process isn’t always linear.

Over on the Reinventing Fabulous blog, Krissie was imagining people as flowers and thought I’d be a sunflower.  The image has me smiling.  Earlier today I was musing over self-acceptance and how much improvement I’ve already seen in myself in this area.  I don’t mean the improvements in my physical shape although, for sure, that’s happened!  I also see that I’m much more accepting of myself than I used to be and I’m learning to be kinder to myself in my thoughts and opinions.

Being lighter in body is one thing.  Lighter in spirit is an added, wonderful benefit.

When I was a kid, my friends and I used to play act.  We’d take roles in our favorite television shows when we played after school, inventing grand adventures and being heroines.  We were brave, strong, resourceful — all of which are qualities that I wanted to have when I grew up.  There have been times in my life when I believed that I have those traits.  There have also been many more times when I didn’t think that I measured up the way I’d always imagined, and hoped, that I would.

The times when I was positive or negative on my own scale of self-acceptance largely correlated with where my weight hit on the scale.  Back in the 90s, I started learning how to build and maintain my own confidence and strength, regardless of what I weighed.  I was able to separate the issues so that my sense of self-worth was not tied to how things were going with food, diets, or excess pounds.  That was a gift beyond measure and developing it got me through some really painful events.  I believe it’s also the reason that I’ve held my dream job for over 10 years and grown in the position, taking on tasks and aspects that I would never have imagined myself doing when I was drowning at the bottom of my emotional barrel.

Lately, I’ve been going back to my early habits of imagining myself in a different role.  for the first time in many years, I’ve begun to really picture myself as a woman who is a healthy weight.  For the record, I have absolutely no idea what I will come to believe is a healthy weight.  People sometimes ask me about a goal but there’s no number in my head.  I think I’ll know it when I get there; when I see it for myself and in my image in the mirror.  Please remember that I haven’t been at a healthy weight in decades, so it’s understandable that I haven’t figured it out yet.  However, with every day of improved mobility, better fitting clothes in smaller sizes, easier breathing, and increased energy, I believe more strongly that I am definitely going to get there.  I can picture it in my mind, shape-wise, even if I don’t know the number of pounds.

This is a good exercise for me, to imagine myself thinner and healthier.  It isn’t an unattainable yearning.  These are very real, very healthy self-imaginings.

A famous Mahatma Ghandi quote says, “You must be the change you wish to see in the world.”  I realize that I must embrace, and imagine, the change I wish to see in myself.

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Milestone! (Updated with Photos)

I didn’t set many milestones for myself along this weight loss journey. I knew going in that it was going to be a long process and I would have to take my hits of happy along the way on a regular basis. Still, there were some markers in my mind and I’ve reached one today.

Before I share it, I need to backtrack a little because some of the celebration about this milestone also involves releasing another area of shame. All along while I’ve shared the number of pounds I’ve lost and been open that I wasn’t just morbidly obese for super obese, I do not believe I ever brought myself to say exactly how much I weighed before the surgery. The number was so huge that I flinched to think about it and it still makes me clench a little inside. So, today I get rid of that shame too. The last time that I got on my scale at home before driving to Miami a day before my surgery I weighed 386 pounds. Whew. I can feel some emotional lightening just in typing that number. I’m not hiding it anymore.

Now to the milestone. Today when I stepped on the scale, I weighed 299 pounds. I’ve lost 87 pounds which is, pardon the pun, huge. Even moreso, this is the first time that my weight has started with a two, not a three, for decades. I honestly do not remember when I last weighed less than 300 pounds. My sister-in-law says I was in the 170s when she and my brother married in 1982. I honestly don’t remember being that low. I’d lost a bit over 100 pounds prior to that happy day but I’d started that particular diet when I was 303.

Anyway, I know I’ve been over the 300 pound mark for at least 20 years, maybe 25. A sobering thought, as I enjoy my older nephew’s visit, is that I’m the thinnest I’ve been in his entire life.

299. That still means that I’m obese, but holy wow! I’m out of the 300s and that’s a tremendous achievement. I’m going to celebrate, not by eating, but by simply enjoying the beautiful day. I think I’ll also ask my nephew to take a picture. It’s been a while since I posted a comparison shot and this smilestone is an appropriate day for one. (I just made up a word — smilestone, as in milestones that make us happy!)

Next milestone: Hitting the century mark of losing 100 pounds. It’s not far off at all!

***************

Something messed up and the old version reappeared, so I’m updating with photos again.

At or close to my highest weight.    

This is a pre-surgery picture from last year.                     This picture was taken today.  I have no idea why I pointed my feet in one direction but turned my body the other way.  LOL

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Moving

No, not leaving the Keys.  I’m talking about my increased movement.  I’m not walking marathons, but on a daily basis, I can see how much more willing I am to walk at all.  Even short distances had become an effort months ago but already my body has changed enough that I can do more.

Even though I’ve mentioned it all before, it’s worth repeating.  Besides seeing the weight loss in the mirror and in my clothes, feeling it in my body with the increased mobility is a self-reinforcing boost.  It builds on itself because the more that I move, the more I feel the changes, the more I want to move.

The more I move, the better I feel each time.  I need to focus on this and build up more consistency.  I can still lapse into mental laziness, meaning that my mind tells me I’m too tired after work so I just want to sit down and rest for a minute.  I need to call bullshit on myself.  😀

So, goals for this week are to walk or swimercize more days.  We also had a break from Tai Chi, but I’ll return to that on Wednesday and Saturday.

What do you do to motivate yourself to exercise more frequently?  How well does it work?

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Hormoans

I misspelled hormones on purpose because, just to warn you, I’m going to whine a little in this post.  🙂

I’m over 54 years old and have been what my doctor calls perimenopausal for a couple of years.  I am so ready to be done with getting my period.  Seriously.  If they had a pill I could take right now, I would.  I decided years ago that it’s like the Mafia.  Just when you think you’re done, you get pulled back in.

I’d been on a pattern.  Two months, no period, then get it one month.  Skip two months.  Get it.  There have also been changes in the intensity and the duration each time — definitely different from the “like clockwork” schedule and details I experienced ever month.

The doctor told me that I cannot consider myself menopausal until I’ve gone without my period for an entire twelve months.  Last year, I went six months without it and was on the verge of doing the happy dance of joy.  I was positive that I was on my way to a period-free life.  Then, last October, with only the slightest of warning signs – BAM – the period returned with a vengence.  I was away at a conference, pretty much unprepared.  Ugh.  Ugh.  Ugh.  Since then, I’ve been completely irregular.  I never know from month to month now whether or not I can expect my period to start or when during a month.

In the old, pre-peri-menopausal days, I didn’t even need to keep a calendar.  That’s how regular my cycle ran.  If, for some reason, it was tempted to slip my mind, I got certain signs.  Ten days before the start of my period, without fail, I’d get hit with intense cravings for chocolate.  On that day, I wanted chocolate like I wanted air to breathe into my lungs.  When I started going irregular, I couldn’t rely on chocolate cravings as an indicator because I was also so into food and overeating that I craved everything all of the time.

Since the surgery, I’ve been pretty much craving free, which led me to believe that when they removed the part of the stomach that secretes most of the hunger hormone, that took care of the cravings too.

Apparently I was wrong.  All day long, I’ve been thinking about and wanting chocolate in any and all forms.  It’s horrible.  Sadly, someone brought in brownies to work today and I caved and had a small square.  I don’t even particularly like these brownies, but chocolate is chocolate.  FYI, I have a recipe for home made brownies that produces the absolute best you’ve ever had, so I have a pretty high standard when it comes to these treats.  On an ordinary, non-hormone-induced day, I wouldn’t even have been tempted.

Ever since this afternoon, I’ve been successful at battling off the urge to run to the store and purchase something – anything – to feed the chocobeast begging for relief in my belly.  As soon as I finish this post, I’m going to have one of my sugar-free ices instead, banking that the lemony tartness will negate the lusting for chocolate.

I have to say that I’m just a little bit annoyed with my own body and hormones.  I know this isn’t logical, but it doesn’t matter.  It’s bad enough to have to fight the cravings today.  I’m pre-aggravated that ten days from now I’ll have to deal with my period, too.  Then to add insult to injury, I need to start fresh on my 12-count again.

Grrrrrr.

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