Weighty Matters

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Traveling Lighter

I’m on vacation! Woot! (Alert: My house isn’t empty. I have people taking care of pets, plants, etc.)

Regardless of one’s weight, travel is often tiring. When you’re morbidly obese, it’s downright exhausting and there are extra aspects over which to stress. Simply hauling a suitcase out of the car and wheeling it to the ticket counter is a chore. In a big airport like Miami where the concourses are super long, getting to the gate feels like a death march.

If I was going anywhere for longer than a weekend, I could never pack light, even in the summer. Large size clothes weigh more. When I’d pack for a writers conference, I frequently needed two outfits per day. Good luck getting that in a single suitcase that weighed no more than 50 pounds. (40 pounds if traveling on Spirit.) Winter time? Forget staying under the weight limit with sweaters, heavier pants, and so on.

Then there’s the plane itself. Remember a few years ago when director/writer Kevin Smith was hassled on Southwest for his weight and they wanted him to purchase an extra seat? I lived in agonizing fear of that happening to me. I’ve also purposely never flown Southwest because I understood that I couldn’t select my seat ahead of time and couldn’t breathe over the possibility that I might get stuck in a middle seat. I started flying Spirit when I still lived in New Jersey because it flew direct from my home area of Atlantic City to South Florida. Then I started paying more for the privilege of flying in a Big Front Seat — larger seat with only two per row. A few years ago, if a flight was longer than two hours and Spirit wasn’t a possibility, I’d pay extra to fly first class all for my comfort and that of anyone who had to share my row.

Years ago I got over the humiliation of needing to ask for a seat belt extender. Correction. I stopped risking my safety by pretending I’d buckled my seat belt. Point to flight attendants for being discreet when they handed it over.

Let’s face it. Airplanes are not built to accommodate large passengers. The seats are too small. If I wasn’t in first class or a big front seat, I’d choose an aisle seat so I could contort myself over as far as possible and now mash the unfortunate person in the middle seat. I could never lower the tray table enough because of my stomach. Thank God I had a resilient bladder because I was downright scared to squeeze myself into the torture chamber known as an airplane restroom.

Since January, I’ve taken three trips that involved air travel. The first, in April, happened when I’d lost about 60 pounds. I still needed a seat belt extender, but I wasn’t worn out just getting my suitcase from place to place. For the two trips in May I flew Jet Blue and discovered that all seat belts are not created equal in length. I’d dropped around 75 pounds at that point, give or take a few. On one flight I didn’t need the extender, but I did on the other three.

Now I’ve lost 105 pounds. Tomorrow I’m taking a leap of faith, or at least a seat of faith. I’m not even going to ask for the extender when I first board. I’m going to remember that along with the weight, I’ve reduced my waist by around five inches. Surely the seat belts will fit. (Don’t call you Shirley?) I already know that I’m much, much, much more mobile so the entire experience is going to be significantly easier.

In luggage, body and spirit, I’m definitely traveling lighter!

Little extra spirit boost tonight. Since my flight leaves super early in the morning, I drove up to the mainland tonight. A short time after gnoshing something for dinner, I took advantage of the hotel’s fitness center. I did 20 minutes of brisk pedaling on the recumbent bike, followed by 20 minutes of quick walking on the treadmill. Thanks to my weight loss and attitude, I’m seriously sloughing off my slothfulness. Say that three times fast! 😉

Edited this a.m.: Had another thought as I went thru the TSA checkpoint. The poor person who has to look at all those full body scans now gets less of an eye full.

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Mirror Image

Several months ago I talked about having fat eyes and not being able to objectively look at myself and see my body in its actual reality.  While that’s been improving over the weeks, and I can see the weight loss in pictures and, obviously, feel it in my body, I still carry around a horrible body image in my head.  I’ve always been super critical of my own appearance and, when I was 386 pounds, I had a lot of justification for being critical.

This week, I experienced a huge, wonderful breakthrough.  I was at Zumba class in my tightish exercise shorts and a T-shirt, moving, leg-lifting, crunching and dancing for all I was worth.  Usually, I watch the instructor in front so that I properly (or as close to properly) follow the steps, and because it’s an ingrained habit of mine to avoid looking at myself in a mirror unless I absolutely, positively must.  During one of the songs I glanced at myself and nearly stopped in mid-butt wiggle.

“Oh my God, that’s me,” I thought.  “I look good!”   I glanced at the instructor to pick up the step change and then looked at myself again. Even to my non-objective eyes and horrible body image filter,  I no longer appear as a huge, lumpy, misshaped blob.  I have a waist.  While I’m not half the size I was six months ago, I’ve carved off a hell of a lot of my own mass and it shows.

Almost immediately, the old image issues attempted to rise up, but I purposely squashed them down.  Maybe it was the positive endorphins released by exercise, but I refused to pick at myself and look at the flaws.  Instead, I admired the smaller thighs, that waist indentation, and the ankles that no longer look like I have water balloons inserted under my skin.  I didn’t care that I have some swinging flab under my upper arms.  I was thrilled at the definition of bicep muscle.  Cellulite?  Schmellulite.  My legs and thighs might still be fat, but they’re powerful, by God, enough to keep me moving for 60 minutes of intense exercise.

After this realization, I could have gone another hour.  Hell, I could have flown.   I was so damned happy to see, really see, the positive changes in my body facing me from the mirror.    Even though I’d tallied up the inches and pounds that I’ve lost, the numbers alone couldn’t deliver this impact — the magic moment when I looked and really saw myself — and accepted my body for exactly what it is today, with all of its improvement.

The experience energized me and injected even more pep in my step for the remainder of the class.  There’s a popular song that’s pretty much a Zumba staple, at least they’ve played it in all of the classes I’ve taken.   I know it’s been around for awhile, but I never paid it much attention until I started going to Zumba.  Now it’s one of my favorites.  Given my big realization this week, it’s particularly appropriate.

In honor of clearing up my mirror image, I attempted to embed the video here.  I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, so I’ve included a link to the video on YouTube instead.  The original artists are LMFAO, but I love this version with the very sexy Ricky Martin and the cast of Glee.  Hope you enjoy it.  Hope you take a couple of moments to dance around and declare that you’re also sexy and you know it!

http://youtu.be/JcCtyMSuyHk

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Exercising My Options

I don’t mean to harp on this, but this one area of change in my life is so remarkable to me that every time I experience it, I marvel.

Not the pounds lost, although I’m certainly not making light of the amazing progress.   It’s the second time in my life that I’ve lost 100 pounds, but with a major difference.  This time, I’m not going to regain those pounds. Ever.

The change I’m talking about is my willingness to exercise.  I feel like this time I am really taking this change in habit to heart, internalizing it and making it an important part of my life.    This is new for me.

A few years ago, someone opened up a Curves in town.  I joined and enjoyed the routine for about a year.  At first I regularly went three days a week.  Gradually, that slipped to “three times a week unless something comes up and then I’ll go two times”.    Eventually, I only sporadically dropped in although I continued to pay the $40 monthly fee.  The enjoyment and anticipation with which I started didn’t last long.

I know it’s only been a couple of months, but my mindset and attitude really are different.  I’m so enjoying the fact that I can freely move without gasping for air or a myriad of aches and pains, that I eagerly look forward to exercise.  There are days and situations that I would normally have used as an excuse to skip the physical activity.  Now I find a way to do something — anything — even if I’m tired or get home late.

Tonight I was supposed to go to a meeting right after work and wouldn’t have gotten home until after 6:30.  By that time, I’d be hungry and not want to postpone eating until after a workout.  When I found out around 3:00 p.m. that the meeting was postponed, my first thought was, “Hey.  I can get home and do watercise!”  No lie.  It was my first happy thought!

As soon as I arrived home, I let out Nat and Pyxi and fed them.  Then I changed into a suit, grabbed my music and slipped into the pool.  I’ve pulled about two hours of up tempo songs into a Watercise playlist.  I set the timer on my iPhone for 45 minutes and got moving.   Through a couple of Springsteen songs, a Jon Bon Jovi duet, and Adele singing about rumors, I enjoyed my own energy and the movement of my body in the water.  Starting with a bouncy song by the Glee cast and seguing into I’m a Believer, I veered from jogging, squats and leg kicks into freestyle water dancing.

Anything resembling choreography was envisioned only in my head.  My dance steps were totally random, mixing the twist, the pony, a little hip hop, some hopping without the hip, and some moves I learned in Zumba.  My legs kicked, my arms waved above and below the water’s surface, my waist twisted.  I flexed and worked all of my muscles.

In mid-chorus of The Monkees, I realized that I was exercising other important muscles — the ones that work my smile.  I was having so much fun that I couldn’t stop myself from grinning and laughing.  It was great!

The happiness continued through the whole workout and beyond.  As I toweled off and changed out of my suit, I gleefully remembered that tomorrow’s Tuesday.  Zumba class!  I’m actually looking forward to it.  Trust me.  The fact that I’m looking forward to an intense, hour-long, sweat and thirst-creating exercise class is a very new, quite unfamiliar, development.

It’s an attitude that I intend to cultivate, develop and, hopefully, solidify in my psyche.

This is an important part of the process.  Leading a sedentary life accomplishes very little that’s actually good for a person.  Embracing the idea that I am now one who looks forward to, and creates opportunities to, exercise adds to my recovery and progress.  I’m not transferring my addiction; I’m trying to grow and improve.  So far, I’m succeeding.  Hopefully, I’ll still act this way six months from now.  That’s the goal, following by another six months after, then six months after that, and so on.

One of the keys to success is that I not get bored.  There will be plenty of times when I need to exercise inside my home.  (Still thinking of getting an elliptical machine when I clear out more floor space in the bedroom.  I made a dent this weekend.   If I do the same workout video day after day after day, the boredom will erode my enthusiasm and positive exercising attitude.  To avoid that, I’m stocking up on a variety of workout programs.  There’s Walk Away the Pounds Express plus a DVD with two programs on it, hosted by Valerie Bertinelli and her trainer.  The Wii Fit has numerous options.  Over the weekend I also ordered two Zumba Dance DVDs that will play on my Wii.   I have the pool outside, Zumba classes, and Tai Chi practices.  When the weather gets a little cooler this Fall, the dogs and I will resume walking the old Seven Mile Bridge some evenings.

Variety is key and right now I’m exercising all of my options!

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Clothes Encounters

For my writers group meeting yesterday, I chose to wear a cute batik-inspired purple dress.  I bought it many years ago and haven’t worn it in almost that long because it was too tight.  Now it fits me and looks lovely.  The buttons from the neck to the hem don’t gap or pull.  The waist is a little defined.  In it, I actually see the beginnings of a waist line again.  I can also see my collar bones starting to take shape which looked nice in the scoop neck.

I traded out my customer flip flops for a cute pair of wedge heeled shoes.  With every step, the absence of discomfort in my knee was evident.

While I love my casual lifestyle here in the Keys, now that I’ve lost a significant amount of weight, I’m remembering how much I enjoy “dressing up” sometimes.  Slipping into a cute dress and knowing that I look good in it is a definite NSV.  Oh, I’ve worn dresses even when I was my heaviest, but rarely had the mindset that I looked good.  Instead, the most I hoped for was that I looked okay and not like a two legged cow in a shapeless mumu.  I’ve always liked colors in my clothes, instead of relying only on basic black hoping to hide underneath. Now is no exception with bright turquoise, berry, purple and red garments hanging in the closet.

It feels good to put on smaller sized clothes, chosen with an eye to flatter rather than just to fit and cover up the flaws.   I’m doing what I can to make the most of it, too.  Before, all I really cared about with my oversized, flabby boobs was for them to be comfortable during the day.  I’ve lost enough weight that the good bras I bought last week are both comfortable and adequately supportive.  Seriously, the right bra can potentially improve one’s figure a great deal.  I saw it as soon as I tried one of those bras on underneath a shirt I was considering.  All last week, instead of reaching for the thin, most comfortable bra, I wore one of my new ones under my work T-shirts and smiled at the improvement.

Even in those T-shirts, I look better than I did.  The only problem right now is that I’m between sizes.  I can’t quite fit comfortably in a regular XL because of my boobs.  Depending on the shirt, the XXLs I have either fit just a little loosely or are hanging on me like outsized sacks.  Sometimes I even need to borrow a style twist from the teen set and knot the hem of the shirt so that it fits better and more neatly.   That will do for now, but I already have three shirts hanging in my closet in the next smaller size.  Every so often, I try one on and know that it won’t be long before I give up the larger ones all together.

Thinking of all this earlier today got me thinking about my measurements.  I haven’t redone them since early February and was curious to see how those numbers have also changed.  More than the weight loss affects my body shape and size.  The increased exercise has an impact too.  Eventually, I’ll also have to deal with pounds of sagging skin, but for right now, the reductions of inches are pretty cool and there isn’t a part of my body that hasn’t changed.

I’m pretty sure the numbers I’m about to share are pretty accurate.  It’s harder to measure yourself than it was when my friend helped back in early February, but I’m not going to be too picky.  Here goes:

  • Waist – down 5 inches.
  • Neck – down 2 inches
  • Bicep – down 2.75 inches
  • Forearm – down 2.5 inches
  • Chest – down 5 inches
  • Hips – down 8 inches
  • Thigh – down 6 inches
  • Calf – down 2.5 inches

No wonder I’m wearing significantly smaller sizes and clothes that were once snug are now baggy.  It will be interesting to see how many more inches melt off by the end of the year!

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Word of the Day – Wheeee!

Okay, that should be Wiiiii, as in the Wii Fit Plus.  I’ve had mine for a few years but tonight was the first time I’ve used it.

I didn’t know when I bought the Fit Plus stuff for my Wii system that the weight limit on the balance board was “only” 330 pounds.  The inability to use that component sort of took the fun out of the whole thing for me.  I like the Sport stuff with tennis and bowling, but playing too much wears out my arm and doesn’t actually provide aerobic or strength training.   Besides which, those games are more fun in competition with other players, unless you’re playing a 6 year old or 10 year old who will usually clean your clock.  (At least that’s what happened the very first time I played against my friend’s kids.  You’ve never really been humiliated until a 6 year old trash talks you when she wins.)

A few months ago when I’d lost some weight, I brought out the Wii Fit components again, hoping for some leeway, but the balance board would have none of it.  While its cute little image on the screen didn’t exactly say, “Get off of me, you cow!  You’re too heavy.  You’ll crush my delicate electronics.  Owwww!  Owwww!  Owwwww!” that’s how I felt when its subtle message flashed on the screen and exclaimed its weight limit.

So, I put the equipment away and went about the business of losing weight and gradually adding in more activity and exercise.

Today I got up at still dark o’clock to drive the 2:45 hours to Ft. Lauderdale for a romance writers group meeting.  (The awesome Tami Hoag was the guest speaker!)  After lunch, I turned around and drove home.  I was exhausted  and needed a little chill out time after I played with and fed the dogs.  After about an hour, I started to fidget.  I’d last exercised Thursday when I did aerobics and dancing in the pool.  Tonight storms are threatening, so it wasn’t safe for me to go into the water or go for a walk.  I debated between my DVDs for Walk Away the Pounds Express or Valerie Bertinelli’s exercise routine.

Suddenly, the Wii whatziwhoosit that holds the disks caught my eye.  Hmmm.  I am well under the maximum weight limit so there really was no reason not to finally give it a shot.  Have any of you tried this system?   Once you input your height and age, you stand on the board and it weighs you, gives you your body mass index, and checks your balance.  This gives you a starting point.  You can then put in an initial goal.  I entered that I want to lose another 20 pounds in three months.  Actually I want to lose 20 pounds in two months, but the system “tactfully” informed me that experts recommend a more gradual weight loss.  I decided to conform to the machine for now, knowing that I can change my goal as I go along or just impress it with my more advanced progress.

With that taken care of, I set up my Mii (The little computer image that represents me.) and progressed to training mode.  I thought for my first foray into Wii fitness, I’d try the aerobic offerings.   First up, hula hooping.  For this, one stands on the balance board and circles the hips while watching one’s Mii hula hooping on the television.  I can’t spin a hula hoop around for love nor money in real life.  I don’t seen to get the motion right, but my little Mii looked like a pro.  The faster I moved my hips around, the higher the hoop spun on my her body.

Periodically, two other Miis who don’t look like me, throw another hula hoop which I’m supposed to help my Mii pick up by leaning and reaching.  Let’s just say that I need a little more practice coordinating that maneuver and leave it at that, okay?  I’ll get better, but without a pre-pubescent child around to demonstrate, I have to engage in a little trial and error.  At least my Mii doesn’t look at the worse for wear from getting virtually bonked in the head on the screen.

I did the hula hooping exercise several times and each time I managed to spin more times!  Improvement — yay!  The system keeps count of the number of minutes.  Each exercise has a “Mets” ranking.  Your weight times the Mets times minutes gives you an approximate number of calories burned.  Don’t worry about doing math while working out.  The system tracks that for you too.

After the hula hooping, I checked out the step exercises.  The balance board is your step and you follow the rhythm set by a stage full of Miis.  After following the routine of the basic step exercise — up, down, up, down, side side etc etc — and sometimes screwing up, I watched the system tally my performance.  Cheeky little bugger told me how many times I was perfect, how often I was “merely” Ok and how frequently I missed the steps.  Pffffft.  I did that for a few times until I at least got through the routine with no misses.  I can work on moving more “Oks” into the Perfect category and boosting my score.  Finally, I checked out the free step.  Allegedly you can do this for ten minutes while watching something else on TV and listening to the rhythm kept for you by the Wii system.  I have to figure that out with my configuration of Wii to television, etc.

When finished, I was up to 25 minutes of exercise and had worked up a sweat.  My heart beat had increased and I knew that I actually was getting some cardio benefit from hula hooping and stepping.  Aiming for 30 minutes, I checked out the Basic Run exercise.  I do not run.  I haven’t even tried to run in . . . oh hell, I don’t even remember how many years.  Since I wasn’t going to run any risk of someone other than my dogs seeing me, I figured I’d give it a shot for the two minute exercise.

For this exercise you run through what looks like a rural town or a big park.  You’re supposed to keep an even pace of running in place while on the television your Mii is eating up road as she runs around following another Mii.  The objective is to not pass the lead Mii.  If you speed up too much the system reminds you to slow down.  If you slow down too much it might tell you to shift ass and pick up your pace, but I don’t know for sure.  I never dropped my pace slow enough to incur a warning.

I actually surprised myself by jogging in place for the full two minutes.  I’m not ready to test myself with a ten minute run, but I was ridiculously pleased that I succeeded for that short amount of time.

To finish out my half hour I returned to the hula hoop, circling my hips like a champ while still getting bonked in the head by those extra hoops.  Oh well, it’s not like the system deducted points for lack of style.

When all was said and done, I felt pretty darned pleased with myself.  I would have high-fived myself, that is to say my Mii, but slapping a television screen just doesn’t bring the same satisfaction.  I’ll just have to be happy with being able to work out this way at all, knowing that I’ve added another tool to my exercise tool kit.  I have more things to investigate with my Wii — like the strength training or Yoga.  I’m also going to go online and see if there are some extra activities that I can add.

This system has some great benefits.  It provides a nice variety to keep me from getting bored and I can do it inside regardless of what the weather’s doing outside!

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Sizing Things Up

I didn’t post yesterday because it was a full day with travel, doctors appointments and then fun with friends.  I also absorbed lots of info and have been musing over different things which will almost certainly show up in future blog posts.  🙂

The first appointment yesterday was at the pulmonologist’s office.  I promise not to veer off into a rant, but I hope the doctor’s office staff, i.e. the young woman behind the reception desk, learned this simple lesson in customer/patient service.  When the office makes a mistake in scheduling a patient’s appointment, do not be snotty to the patient.  Instead, do your best to be cooperative and helpful and again, not snotty.

Ok.  Moving on.  The doctor was somewhat amazed at my progress.  We talked things over for a bit and came to the mutual decision not to repeat the sleep study quite yet.  As much as I would love to get off of the CPAP machine, I agreed not to rush things.  By waiting a few more months I can lose additional weight which increases the chances of my sleep hypopnia resolving.  The doctor says there is a 70 to 80% chance that this will happen, but that leaves 20 to 30% chance of it not.  Rather than do the test now, get less than optimum results, and then have to repeat it another time anyway, we’re going to wait until the end of November.  That way I at least get the repeat in on this calendar year when my deductible is already satisfied.

From that appointment I proceeded to my surgeon’s office.   The surgeon and P.A. are used to seeing quick results in patients who have weight loss surgery.  While they were not amazed, they were still very pleased and enthusiastic, and they congratulated me on working so hard.  I chatted for a while with the P.A. and see where I need to make some adjustments.  I’ve been veering over into a few more carbs than I should eat.  I know I can be more vigilant on that score.  Honestly, they really were excited about the dedicated effort I’m giving toward exercising.

*******Alert of Possible TMI********

I spoke with both the P.A. and the surgeon about the way that my system stalls.  We talked about solutions.  I didn’t know that it’s possible for one’s body to develop a dependency or a resistance to laxatives.  Did you?  Anyway, they suggested using Benefiber or a similar product three times a day — mixed in my protein shake or in soup or even water.  I can also use Miralax.  I need to make sure that I consistently drink at least 60 ounces of water and/or low sugar juice a day too.  The hydration is important for a number of reasons — keeping my system regular and flushing my kidneys since I’m still ingesting 6o to 80 grams of protein a day.

All in all it was a good check up, albeit with the cautious reminder to keep doing what I’m doing because, even though I’ve made great progress, I still have a long way to go.

A short time after the second doctor’s appointment, I met up with a group of friends for a delicious dinner at a favorite restaurant.  Everything served is made from fresh ingredients and cooked to bring out the flavors while maintaining lower calories and fat.  The meal was delicious and the company great fun.  A good night all around.

Today I planned to shop.  I have reached the point where I can’t avoid buying some new clothes.  Seriously.  I was down to about four tops that I could wear outside of work.  Remember when I shopped my closets and found garments that had been too tight on me for years?  Even most of those clothes are now too big.  I’m not complaining.  It’s a great problem!

I’ve also reached the stage where my bras don’t fit.  For a while now I’ve been hooking them on the tightest row and they still gap.

I should point out that shopping is not my favorite activity.  I know plenty of people who view it as recreation and who love to spend entire days in malls browsing, going in and out of stores.   I’m not one of those people, but I geared up and got going.

Lane Bryant advertises that they’ll professionally measure you for bras, so I went there first.  No surprise that I’m down two sizes in my bra band size, but not in the cup.  The nice young woman gave me some suggestions on what styles might best suit and I took it from there.  Let me tell you, it’s true what many say.  The right size and style of bra can not only change your body silhouette, it can change your freaking life!  I picked out four and each one fit and made me look terrific.  What a difference!  As a bonus, today LB had a buy one, get the second for half price.  I got four bras for the price of three.

There were good sales going on all over the store.  Plus, every year around this time, Florida designates a week where clothes, electronics, and some other things can be purchased without paying sales tax.  It’s supposed to help families better afford everything students need to go back to school, but adults can also benefit.  Let’s just say that I took advantage of the sales to stock up on smaller-sized panties, cute tops and a purple sundress.  I can’t tell you how great it felt to realize that sizes I used to be too big to fit into are now larger than I need!  Everything I purchased is smaller than I’ve been able to wear in years.

The staff really went out of their way to be helpful.  One asked if I’d received any coupons in the mail.  (I might have but didn’t remember.)  “Do you have Internet access with your phone?” she asked. “Google Lane Bryant coupons.  We have some now that give you $25 off of every $75 you spend. ”  Bonus!  While I did not go crazy with my shopping, let’s say that I qualified for truly spectacular savings.

After an hour or so in LB, I went on my way to a much bigger mall in search of some new makeup and cross-trainer sneakers for Zumba.  A couple of young women who are friends met me there and we wandered for a few hours.  Yes, hours.  After stops in Bath & Body Works for delicious smelling concotions to add to my bath water, and then Sephora for make up, we made our way to JC Penney.  Their mother, who is also a friend, has worked for years for JCP so the girls are very familiar with the store.

I believe I’ve mentioned here before that I have not shopped for clothes for myself in a regular department store in the last few decades.  It’s been at least 20 years, possibly 25.  No lie.   My friends guided me to the Woman’s Department, which was huge.   I will admit to feeling a bit intimidated by the different sections  with rack after rack of clothing.  Friends, maybe I was already tired from the shopping that I’d done before, but I got a little overwhelmed.  Before it got to be too much for me to handle, I managed to find two cute tops and try them on.  Standing at the cash register, I was truly proud that I’ve lost enough weight to shop in a department store.  By this time next year, it will probably no longer be a novelty and I won’t be confined to the Woman’s Department.  Woot!

The only non-successful part of the outing was my footwear search.  Unfortunately, the stores stocked mostly running shoes.  I wanted cross trainers that have a smooth circle on the sole that enables you to smoothly pivot and turn.  So, I’m back to searching online.  All things considered, this was not a big deal and everything else was just so terrific.

By this time, after around four to five hours, I was exhausted.  I wish I’d worn a pedometer because we walked a lot.  By the time I said goodbye to my friends and got to my car, I ached in the small of my back and my right, weaker knee.  On my way back to the hotel, I made a quick trip into Whole Foods to select something yummy from their prepared food “bars” for dinner.   When I returned to my room, I could easily have curled up on the bed for a quick nap.  Instead, I pulled on my bathing suit and headed down to the swimming pool.

Yes, as if walking all around a big mall for a few hours wasn’t enough exercise, I wanted some more.  I swam 20 lengths of the full size pool which worked out some of the aches.  A ten minute soak in the hot tub eased the rest.

As I type this out, I’m freshly showered, pleasantly tired in mind and body, and really, really happy.  Sizing everything up, I’m delighted with the way my size is going down, not only in my physique but in the clothes that cover me.  I’m pleased with my attitude about exercise and my daily recommitment to eat healthy.

It’s been a great weekend for me and I plan to build on this experience for continued success in the future.

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Between Want and Hunger

In her comment on yesterday’s post, Pink Pelican talked about differentiating between wanting food and actual hunger.   Wow, does that ring a bell.  It was always hard for me because my head would tell me that I not only wanted food, I needed it.  Cravings created by emotions felt as physically real as the pangs in my stomach that occured if I’d gone hours without eating.

Even when I was semi-successfully dieting, it didn’t matter how logically I reasoned with myself.  Intellectually, I knew that I didn’t really need chocolate, but the extreme mental desire overrode all logic and intellect.  Then the disease would take over and tell me, yes, you’re right you need it, go get it.

It’s weird and different for me now, but there are still struggles sometimes.   I don’t feel physical hunger the way that I used to.  The pangs only happen if I’ve gone too long without eating something.  I’m pretty vigilant about eating on schedule.  I know that if I don’t eat my planned-for snacks in between meals I won’t hit my protein target for the day.

You’d think this all would make it easier and it does, to some extent.  I’m not often physically hungry so I don’t constantly want moremoremore food.  The restricted stomach size keeps in check on my portions.  The battle remains in my head — the mental want.  If someone puts out a box of pastries or plate of cookies, it honestly doesn’t matter if I’m physically hungry.  My eyes see the food and my head wants it.  If I successfully control the immediate compulsion to reach for the available food and eat it, I often still have to engage in a mental debate.    It’s like shoring up my own defenses against the disease of compulsive overeating.

It’s crazy how powerful the “want” can be; how loudly it can speak.  I swear sometimes it translates into physical symptoms.  I’ll feel it in my stomach.  When that happens I try to remind myself that it’s false hunger.

If I’ve been very very good about my food plan, I may consciously permit myself to have a taste of a treat  That means a single cookie instead of a handful.  A bite sized piece of chocolate and not a full bar.  A quarter slice of cake if we’re all celebrating someone’s birthday and so on.  Not every day of course, but sometimes.

I do not, however, eat the treat unless I know it’s something that I truly enjoy.  Some of you might be thinking, “Of course you wouldn’t.  Who would eat something they didn’t honestly like?”

In the midst of an eating disorder, I would.  I don’t love raspberries or raspberry jam, etc.  In the old days, however, if the only pastries around were some sweet confection with raspberry filling, I’d go for it — even if it meant eating the pastry part and leaving the fruity stuff.

If only I could cultivate that attitude with seafood — eating something I don’t really like. 🙂

Earlier this week I was able to completely ignore guava pastries and raspberry turnovers, even though they sat in the kitchen at work alll day.  Honestly, that’s a significant improvement.  Remember, we’re talking about me. As a kid I once ate a pie crust out of my aunt’s freezer because I was so driven by the compulsive need and there was nothing else to be had.

I have to say that I am more successful with my debates these days than ever before.  I’ll make bargains with myself.  For example, if I’m driving home from work, past numerous stores, and craving Ben & Jerry’s or something else, I tell myself to go home, take care of the dogs and get to Zumba.  After Zumba, if I still want the ice cream I can have one small individual serving and not buy a whole pint.  Honestly, after the workout, all I really want is to get home and have my regular dinner.  I could care less about going to a store and tracking down the little ice cream treat.

That’s progress.   Realizing that I can savor a small treat or a sample of something instead of chowing down on a full sized portion is somewhat miraculous.

When I was 16, I started smoking cigarettes.  When I was 28, I made up my mind to quit.  I went through a smoking cessation program offered by a local hospital.  It was intense but it worked.  I rarely had the desire to smoke ever again.  When I did, I remembered one important fact.  They taught me that there is a timeline to the craving for a cigarette.  I carried a card in my wallet for years that read, “The urge to smoke will pass whether or not I have a cigarette.”  The card was right.  If I made it past the most intense part of the craving, it would ease almost immediately.

I wish I could define that same kind of timeline for food.  Maybe eventually I will.  It’s a very real possibility that my body hasn’t yet learned the lesson and that the mental craving will hit a peak, but if I don’t give in, then ease off on its own.  I don’t know.

For now, I just need to keep on doing what I’m doing — making bargains with myself, just saying no to the compulsion, permitting treats on my terms with completely awareness of the choice and not when driven by disease.

I hope that, with practice, I’ll get even better at not crossing the line between wanting something and honestly being hungry.

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The Swimming Gizmo

I mentioned in yesterday’s post that I bought this swimmy gizmo to use in my pool.  I have a small pool, just barely 14 feet in length which means that I can swim about two and a half strokes end to end.  It’s not meant for swimming laps.  It’s about four and a half feet deep, which gives me enough water to jog and do aerobics.

When I planned the pool, I kept telling the company that I wanted jets at one end that would kick up a constant current that I could swim against.  The guy told me he knew what I was talking about and, yes, my pool would have them.  Well, his understanding didn’t jibe with my expectations.  The jets at the end circulate the water when the pump is going but they don’t generate enough power for me to swim against.  I spoke to him about it a few times after the pool was first finished, but we never progressed.  I could force the issue but, instead, I found other ways to make the most out of the exercise opportunity the pool provides.

I love pulling on my suit and heading out to watercise.  Even way before weight loss surgery, I enjoyed going to aquacise classes.  Unfortunately, they aren’t offered early enough in the morning for me to go to class, shower, change and get to work on time, so putting in the pool at home was a luxury that I justified.  I have a playlist of upbeat songs on my iPod Nano.  I set it up with the outdoor speakers, set a timer on my phone and start moving.  I jog, dance, do lunges and squats and, in general, push my self to keep moving for 45 minutes or so.

The pool and my yard are private enough that I don’t worry about someone seeing me and this frees me to move and dance at will.  When I was at my heaviest and had difficulty simply walking without losing my breath, I could still work out in the pool and achieve some cardio benefit — without messing up my weak left knee.  The pool kept me from being completely sedentary.

Now that I’ve lost weight, I’d like to do more actual swimming, or at least more than three strokes end to end.  (Yes, I know that I live on a harbor with lots and lots of water.  Sadly, I won’t swim in it due to the large number of boats moored in it.  I can never be quite confident that those boats are following the proper pump out procedures, meaning that they actually have their tanks pumped out by the special boat.)  A week or so ago, I was researching equipment to increase the effectiveness of my aqua cise.  I found water dumbbells to work my arms and things to strap around my ankles for more resistance.  Then I stumbled upon a swimming gizmo.  Basically, it’s a long tether with ankle straps on each end.  In theory, you put it around a railing or fence, strap it to your nakles and swim, knowing that the tether will keep you in place.

If you’re in the mood to be kinky, the gizmo could double for water bondage.  (50 Shades of H20?)

In theory, the design is a good idea.  In execution, there are challenges.   I wrapped the tether around the bottom of the railing, strapped the ends to my ankles and swam out.  I don’t know if the angle’s off from the railing to the water’s surface, or if I’m still carrying too much weight, but I constantly felt like my chest and head wanted to sink lower than my legs.  I could not get a smooth series of strokes going no matter how I tried.   I flailed around for a few minutes and then rolled over onto my back.  That worked a little better, but it wasn’t great.

After about ten minutes, I decided to switch to the ankle “weights” and dumbbells.  I did a bunch of different maneuvers, treading water while working my core, legs and arms for almost thirty minutes.   This proved to be much more effective exercise, judging from my heart rate and the feelings in my muscles.  When my timer went off, I knew that I’d worked.

After I finished my session, I studied the tether gizmo for awhile.  I’m not sure what else I could do to make it work better.   It wasn’t very expensive, so if I don’t figure out anything it won’t be the worst thing that happens.  At least I gave it a shot.  For someone who’s spent much of her life actively avoiding exercise, trying anything new is progress.

 

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You Don’t Know Until You Try

I didn’t have Tai Chi class this morning so I made plans to try a regular Zumba class at 9 a.m.  You might remember that on Memorial Day I went to Zumba Gold, which is supposed to be a little less intense and geared to the over 50 crowd.   Six weeks ago, I was delighted that I managed to keep up with the quick pace and maintain the movement for the full hour.  I’d hoped that the place I went to would soon add some ZG classes in the evenings so that I could go a couple of times a week.

That hasn’t been able to happen yet.  I’ve been feeling the need to step up my exercise routine.  Yes, I’ve been as diligent as possible with my water exercises, as well as doing my in-home DVDs.  However, I still feel like I haven’t progressed as far as I should with the exercise part of my recovery plan.  I decided to check out the regular intensity Zumba.   After all, what was the worst that could happen?  I flail around in back out of synch but keep moving?  Well, I guess that the worse that could happen is that I pass out and die, but why be negative?

I suited up in comfy shorts and picked a Bruce Springsteen t-shirt to wear for inspiration.  I figure if the Boss can rock out a full concert for three hours at age 62, I could last an hour mixing dancing and exercise.  I slipped on my new sneakers, grabbed a bottle a water and headed out.

They had a full turn out this morning.   Several women I know arrived for the class and warmly welcomed me.  Pretty much all of them gave me the same advice.  “Even if you mess up the steps, just keep moving.  Just keep moving.”

That’s what I did.  Through mambos and traveling steps, squats, lunges, kicks and all of the rest, I just kept moving.  To my complete surprise, I actually kept up with the class through all of the songs. Did I do every step and move perfectly?  Oh heck no, but I kept moving with a high level of energy.   I boosted my heart rate and worked up a sweat with the best of them.

By the time the hour was over, my body knew it had worked.  I felt terrific!  I’ve already decided to go again on Tuesday after work for another class.   Looking at their schedule, I know I can make a class on Tuesdays and alternate Thursdays.   This schedule will go a long way toward advancing my overall exercise commitment.   The cardio routine will do great things for my heart.  Burning off calories is an added benefit.

I could have waited to see if they scheduled an evening Gold class.  I could have delayed until I’ve lost even more weight.  I’m glad that I went in with the attitude that I’d give it a shot and see what happened.  This was far more positive than letting fear of failure keep me stuck.   Successfully working out in a regular Zumba class provided a terrific boost and I’d never have known I could do it, had I not tried!

 

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Additional Realizations

It’s been a great week where I’m aware of myself in good, not negative ways. I had a social function to attend earlier this evening. A few weeks ago when doing one of my closet purges, I found a dress that I loved years ago. I haven’t worn it in more years than I can remember because it was so tight that the line of buttons down the front gapped open and the material stretched across my boobs like someone wrapping an Egyptian mummy. The fabric is a deep purple batik which, given that I live in the Keys, is always in style. It totally didn’t matter that the dress is 10 years old. It was still in style. Anyway, when I found it in the closet, I looked at the size tag and figured I might as well try it on.

It not only fit, it looked great I looked great in it! It has a scoop neckline and, for the first time I noticed that my collar bones are beginning to show! I was so excited to wear this dress tonight that I didn’t even mind that I needed to iron it first. (Ironing is not a household chore that I adore.) To go with the dress, I pulled out a pair of shoes with a wedge heel. A dress and shoes that aren’t flip-flops? That practically constituted semi-formal wear for me.

Off I went to the function where I’d do a fair amount of networking. I knew I’d see people I already know but expected there to be several whom I’d never met. I’m usually comfortable at these kinds of things, but even though I’m good at walking up to strangers, introducing myself and making conversation, in the past I always had to gag the ugly voice in my head first.

That voice used to harangue me about being the biggest person in the room. It used to whisper that the other people who watched me arrive were all thinking, “Good God, that woman is huge! How does someone let themselves get that big?” The voice lectured me about what I chose to eat at these things too, and told me that everyone was watching to see how much food I put on my plate.

Let me tell you, it’s amazing that I ever went anywhere with that voice bitching at me in my own psyche. Somehow I learned to do what I wanted or needed to in spite of the voice.

Tonight, it was so much fun to stroll from the car, smoothly and gracefully, feeling really good about my progress. I walked into the room confident that I projected all the positive vibes glowing inside.

Obviously I wasn’t the smallest attendee in the room, but I wasn’t the only person with some size. It didn’t matter. I didn’t feel judged or unduly assessed and I sure as hell didn’t judge myself. I just let myself enjoy the function, network as I needed, and have a good, relaxed time.

On this evening, I only heard nice things — from the people around me and from my own psyche. It’s good to know that I can change not only my body — my physical frame — but also my internal framework. I’m not only seeing the changes, I’m internalizing them. That’s a great realization for me to celebrate.

Progress update: I broke through the stall. As of this morning I have lost 96 pounds! Four more pounds to reach the 100 pound mark. At that point, I’ll get another photo taken to post. Woot!

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