Weighty Matters

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Dec 1

Downsizing

by Mary Stella

What a whirlwind week.  As you know from my posts, I flew up to New Jersey mid-week and then flew back to Florida 24 hours later.  I was there for a family event and I’m so glad that I went.  I also realized yet again how much easier travel is now that I’ve lost 130 pounds and am physically more fit.  As tired as I was on Thursday after my trip, I can only imagine that I would have been even more exhausted if I’d forced myself to do it with all of that excess weight.

Since I was going to be in New Jersey at the end of November, I knew I also faced different weather/climate than what I’m used to.  I blogged last week that while prepping for this trip I found out that I’d lost weight in my feet!  Well, I’ve also gone down at least another size in my clothes.  Sort of.  Depending on the cut of the garment, I can now wear one of three sizes, but the smallest of those sizes simply amazes me.  I zipped up a pair of pants smaller than I’ve worn since the early 80s!  That’s such a charge!  When I had on the pants and a sweater, also a size smaller than I’m used to, the overall effect was pretty darned slimming.

When I look in the mirror, even if I turn sideways, I don’t flinch at my reflection any more.  Yes, I still have a long way to go, but I really appreciate where I am right now today.   On Wednesday, I had on black slacks and a black sweater.  When my brother and sister-in-law first saw me, they both exclaimed how great I look.  Emotionally, I’ve reached the point where I can smile and share in the joy.

J & P last saw me in August.  My two aunts haven’t seen me since last Christmas, before my surgery.  So, the change is truly radical for them.  I guess, truthfully, it’s radical for all of us.  130 pound weight loss means I’ve lost the equivalent of my sister-in-law.  I’ve downsized by a person!  I met up with a friend that hasn’t seen me since April.  When she saw me, her expression and eyes filled with wonder.  Even though she reads this blog (Hi, B!), seen pictures, and we’ve talked about my progress, I guess seeing me in person is different.

Since I’m going back up for a week at the holidays, I knew that a quick trip to a clothing store was in order so that I could pick up a couple of sweaters for the colder weather.  These are easier for me to get in Jersey than Florida, for obvious reasons.  For about 15 years, Catherine’s has been my favorite store for clothes shopping.  Even at my heaviest, I could always find a good variety of quality garments.   There aren’t any Catherines stores in South Florida, but when I travel to other areas, I check the online store locator and seek them out.  I shop at the one near my home area of Jersey nearly every time I go back for a visit, so it was an easy stop for me, even on a short clock.

I selected an armful of possibilities and headed to the dressing room.  After trying them all on, with the exception of one sweater and the cropped jeans I snagged from the clearance rack, I had to put each of the garments back on the racks.  They were all too big!  Even though I’d selected smaller sizes than I used to wear, I had to go down still another size from the one I was wearing just a couple of months ago!   Double woot!

I found a couple of sweaters that will supplement other things I have, so I definitely can make it through the holiday week up home.  I also found a couple of lighter tops that I think will be great for my trip to Hawaii in February.   Yes, that trip is two months off and I’ll have lost additional weight, but these tops are the kind that have some stretchiness.  I’m betting that the stretchiness means I’ll be able to wear them even when I’m smaller.   Most of the time this is easier to do with tops than pants, as I learned when I went through the TSA security checkpoint at the small airport.

I went through the body scanner, expecting that the officers would pretty much wave me on.  Imagine my surprise when they told me they’d have to get a female officer and take me to the office for a full body pat-down.  I asked why and was told, get this, “The scanner showed some anomalies in the groin area.”

Huh?  I had nothing in my pockets, no belt, no smuggled contraband concealed inside the waistband.  Needless to say, I had no clue what could be causing these “anomalies”.  The female TSA officer that had to pat me down was very nice and professional, but it still isn’t the most comfortable experience.  When all was said and done and I was declared free of weapons, hazardous materials, and explosive residue, I asked her what could have caused the “anomalies”.  She told me that sometimes loose clothes bunch up and can cause the problems.

Friends, my weight loss was the root of the situation.  Even though I’d only bought these jeans in September, they’re already bigger than I need.  No more risk of groin anomalies for me!  This garment is definitely going into the “donate” pile.

I’m in the middle of another clothing purge.  Everything that still remains in my closet from my life before weight loss surgery, is coming off the hangers and going into the big bag.  This time, I’m also pulling out any shoes, trying them on, and then gathering up the ones that are too big.   There’s no need, and no room, for these things in my life anymore.  I’ve downsized in more ways than one!

There’s something else that I hope to remove from my life soon.  The CPAP machine.  Last year one of the many pre-wls evaluations I experienced was a sleep test.  I don’t have sleep apnea, in that my breathing stops when I sleep.  I was diagnosed with a sleep hypopnea and, periodically, my air flow reduces and the amount of oxygen I breathe in drops.  The CPAP machine corrects this, but I hate wearing the mask when I go to bed and dealing with the air flow tube.  I know I should wear it every night but I refuse to travel with the unit.   When I met with the pulmonologist for a follow up over the summer, he suggested we wait a few more months before redoing the sleep test.  I agreed as long as I could do it before the end of the year.  (My health insurance deductible has already been met for this year and this test is covered at 100%.)

So, last night I drove up to the sleep center for the test.  This involves getting hooked up to a dozen or more electrodes/leads on the head, face, chest, abdomen and legs.  Then you stretch out on the bed and attempt to get a normal night’s sleep — or as normal as you can when you’re wired like a science experiment and know that technicians are constantly monitoring your read outs and listening to you on the intercom.  They woke me up by 6 a.m. today to unhook me so I could get back home here in the Keys for my 9 a.m. Tai Chi practice.  Now I wait until the 14th to meet with the doctor and, hopefully, hear that the weight loss has improved the condition enough that I don’t need to use the machine anymore.  Wish me luck!

I ran into the supermarket to pick up a few groceries for the weekend.  While I was in the produce section, a woman I know from around town walked by.  I said hello to her and she turned back, blankly looking at me as if I was a stranger.  She didn’t recognize me at first because of my weight loss.  That’s the first time it’s happened to me.  I wonder if I can expect to experience this more often as I continue to downsize.

Body Matters My Progress

4 Comments »
Nov 21

Cleansing Breaths

by Mary Stella

I’m not doing Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow.  I could have shared a meal with friends, or invited people here and cooked a feast but, honestly, neither option appealed to me.  I’m thankful every day and I see my friends pretty much every day , so the holiday isn’t such a big deal to me this year.  I’m sure the fact that it was always a holiday with a license to gorge and I now have a non-gorging stomach probably has something to do with the mind shift.   All in all, I just know that I’m looking forward to not having any real plans.

Except for Zumba.  My friend, who is one of the instructors, asked last week if people were interested in a morning class.  Hey, if she’s willing to go and lead it, I’m willing to go.  After that, no plans other than to read, do schoolwork, watch parades and football, and so on.

I’m also going to detox and cleanse my body.  I was home one day in time to watch Dr. Oz and his show was all about the benefits of detoxing our bodies from time to time and cleansing our systems of impurities, toxins, etc.   He also said that it could help reset my body and metabolism.

For the longest time, I’ve felt sort of stuck.  I think my body hit a set point and my food plan hasn’t worked as effectively.   Without falling off the information highway into the ditch of TMI, my system’s sluggish.

Anyway, while watching the show I had the thought that a 3 Day Detox Cleanse would do me good.  I’m off work for the next four days, so I can blend up all of the ingredients required for the four drinks the program requires.  I like most of the ingredients, with the exception of raspberries and cucumbers and they all agree with me, except for the avocado.  I substituted strawberries for the raspberries and decided that I can bit the bullet on the cucumber and avocado.  Actually, I think the other ingredients will mask the taste.

For the rest of it, what’s not to like about things like almond butter, blueberries, coconut oil, green leafy stuff  and so on?  (Nineteen ingredients in all.)

Along with the drinks, the multivitamin, probiotic supplement, and omega 3 supplement, I’m to drink a morning cup of green tea.  At night, I’m supposed to take a Detox Ultra Bath with epsom salts and lavender oil.   Just thinking about it all makes me feel healthier.

I got some of the stuff at the health food store, and purchased the rest on Monday.  I decided that my individual smoothie blender wasn’t strong enough or big enough to handle the ingredients, so today I bought a new blender.

Oddly enough, I’m psyched to try out this detox cleanse thing.   I feel empowered.  To be honest, a devilish part of me also relishes the thought of sitting here sipping my uber-healthy drinks while many people are stuffed on turkey and side dishes, groaning on their couches.  That sounds a little mean, which wasn’t my intention.  I guess that after a lifetime of indulging in a Thanksgiving Day carb-feast to the point of exploding, I’m happy to do something different.

Body Matters General Musings

3 Comments »
Nov 18

Exhausted in a Good Way

by Mary Stella

I haven’t posted since Thursday because I was away for a three day “leadership” weekend.  The group of us went off into the Everglades to learn more about the environment, how it is connected to and impacts the Florida Keys, and experience a number of different activities.  The weekend started at 6:30 a.m. on Friday when the woman with whom I was carpooling picked me up and ended at around 6:00 p.m. today when she dropped me off home.  In between, we traveled by bus all over the place with our group (26 people).  Here’s a summary of the things we did together:

Toured the Aqueduct Authority where all of the fresh water supply for the entire Florida Keys originates and learned all about where it comes from, how it’s filtered, treated, and pumped down the system from Point A to Key West, more than 120 miles away.  This involved significant trips up and down stairs, across walkways and between different buildings.  We heard about the issues, triumphs and challenges and came away with a thorough understanding of what has to happen for each of us to open a faucet and fill a pitcher or wash our hands.

Visited a famous fruit stand for fresh, yummy smoothies.

Traveled a couple more hours to a state nature preserve for a walk that lasted more than a mile and a half.  We split into teams and competed to locate and identify as many plant and animals species as we could along the way.  We saw a barred owl, several species of heron, two different species of woodpeckers, and more different ferns, trees and bushes than I can count.

Went even further down the trail to Everglades City, an old town with a population of fewer than 500 people where we ate dinner and went to bed early.

Got up and out the door by 7:30 a.m. for breakfast and a trip to Shark River Valley National Preserve, part of Everglades National Park.  The Park superintendent gave us a special talk, after which we embarked on a two hour tram tour where we saw alligators, a snake, anhingas and herons.  We learned about the ecology of the Everglades, how they developed, what happened to damage them, the massive restoration efforts, and the ongoing problem of invasive species like pythons.  This included a trek up a lengthy, curving ramp, to a huge observation tower.

After lunch, we moved on to an old time attraction with a small wildlife sanctuary, air boat rides and swamp buggy tours.  More walking to see a Florida panther, a pair of tigers, a wolf, a bob cat, a lion cub, some American crocodiles and close to 100 alligators.  The tigers, lion, wolf and bob cat were all rescued from private homes and would have been put down had this place not taken them in.  There was something strangely fascinating about watching a lone man go into a large enclosure with all of those alligators, carrying a bucket of raw chicken.  The gators knew him really well and, amazingly, did not rush him when he appeared.

From there we walked over to the docks and clambered into the airboat for a speedy fun ride.   Our next step was across the road and up the ramp to a high swamp buggy for a hilarious, fun tour through the wilderness.

At that point, I would happily have gone to the hotel and straight to bed.  However, alumni from previous classes in this program had come to the Everglades to provide us with dinner and a party.  A Toga Party.  I’d come prepared and gamely wrapped myself in my toga and went off to the festivities for a few more hours.  When my brain began to click off at 11 p.m., I went to bed, knowing that we needed to be packed, checked out and read to board the bus again at 7 a.m.

Today we finished with a visit to a marine lab where we learned much more about the ecology of mangroves, sea grass and the coral reef and how important each of these ecosystems is to the Florida Keys.  Wow, was this interesting!  After lunch we boarded boats for a trip to the backcountry where we learned even more about the various critters (like sponges, sea stars, nudibranchs, etc.) that populate the mangroves.

Now that definitely would have been enough, but we had one more thing on the itinerary, a mostly-driving guided tour of a very wealthy, exclusive gated community at the top end of the Keys.  How exclusive?  Well, while there are some condos that sell for $100,000, the purchase price is the least of the expense.  In order to enjoy the amenities like the fabulous pools, restaurants, golf courses or tennis courts, one must join one of the “clubs”.  I believe the initial membership fee is around $200,000 and the annual dues are pretty exorbitant.  By the way, the least expensive houses are little two bedroom/one bath models for a million bucks.  The most expensive homes are in the 40 to 50 million dollar range.  I won’t be moving to this community when I retire. 🙂

After this experience, we returned to our original starting point, unloaded our stuff from the bus, gathered in various cars and headed home.  To say that I am mentally and physically exhausted is an understatement.  Five minutes after I publish this blog post, I’ll be in bed, but I had some realizations that I wanted to share.

A year ago, I don’t know that I could have done all of these things in a three day time period.  If I’d managed, it would not have happened without a great deal of physical discomfort, over the counter pain relievers, and a walloping heap of stress.  I’d have fretted all of the time about my inability to keep pace on the walks, and the agony of climbing all of the stairs.  I would have worried the whole time about whether I’d have been able to get in and out of the boats or onto the swamp buggy.  For that matter, I would have hated every moment on the bus, imagining that I was squishing my seat partner.

My desire to be a full participant would still have driven me to don a toga, but the whole time I’d have feared looking fat and ridiculous.

This year, I had none of these concerns or stresses.  I didn’t have to worry about whether my super obesity would interfere with either by abilities or my enjoyment.  Instead I could just throw myself into the activities just like everybody else in the group.  At the end of our action-packed weekend, everybody was exhausted — which was completely understandable.  This was exhaustion in a good way.

Body Matters My Progress

4 Comments »
Nov 14

Gratitude Attitude

by Mary Stella

Every day this month I’ve posted something for which I’m grateful.  This process really helps me look at my life with an eye toward appreciation.  Starting and ending each day with reminders of gratitude illuminates my spirit in countless ways.

I’ve done the daily posts on my personal Facebook page.  (I’m horrible about keeping up with my “author” page.)  Even though all of the friends on my personal page are actually people that I know/am related to/went to school with and so on, there are still some things that I don’t discuss in status updates.  For example, I’ve never once shared there that I had weight loss surgery.  I mentioned having surgery.  Actually, it’s more accurate to say that I posted that I was out of surgery and back in my room but, honestly, that was an accident.  Note to family: No matter how reasonable and “with it” I sound, do not give me back my iPhone until I’ve been out from under the influence of anesthesia and heavy painkillers for a minimum of 12 hours.

Long story short, when I returned to Facebook a few hours later, I was mighty surprised that I’d posted about an operation and had to do a little bit of apologizing and reassuring to those who didn’t know beforehand.  The onces who did know where sort of congratulatory in their, “Hey, you must be feeling great if you’re already posting on Facebook” responses.

But I digress.  I don’t know why I haven’t talked about weight loss surgery on FB.  Clearly I’m not hiding it, since I’ve written more than 200 blog posts here under my own name.  However, since I haven’t, it feels weird to jump in and post certain topics.  I’ve put up pictures from events, but not comparison shots.  I wrote a generic update one date about being grateful that I chose to change my life and health for the good, but that’s it.  I think at this point I’m going to continue the way that I’ve been going on until I finally hit goal weight — whatever that is.

In the meantime, I have a gratitude thing to talk about that will be hard to put up with the others without too much explanation.  So, since this blog is the place where I let it all hang out — physically, emotionally and mentally — what better place?  (Have I said lately how grateful I am to have this place to share about all of this?)

Tonight I am incredibly aware of how lucky I’ve been over the years.  I am grateful for my body’s resilience.  Even though I have physically abused it with a hell of a lot of excess weight for a lot of years, it has stood up to the challenge.   Is my right knee weaker than the left and does it often click funny and hurt?  Yes, but it’s a lot less painful and awkward now, thanks to the weight loss.  A year ago, I couldn’t walk more than two blocks without gasping, now I’m good for a couple of miles or an hour of Zumba.  I have friends who are not so fortunate.  They’re a few years older than I am and experiencing a great deal of pain.  Happily for them, they’re on their way to losing weight now and I know things will improve.  If they don’t, at least the weight loss will enable them to have joint replacements.

I’m waiting to get my knee medically evaluated.  I don’t think I’m at the point where I need a new one but if I do, then I know that I’m a candidate because of my weight loss.  That would not have been the case 125 pounds ago.

When I think of all of the ways that my body could have crumbled under the weight, I want to raise my hands and shout, “THANK YOU” at the top of my lungs.  In recent weeks, I’ve felt a little twinge in my lower back.  It doesn’t happen all of the time, but I notice it now and then.  Usually some stretches, a soak in the tub or a little ibuprofen alleviate the pain.  When I think of what could have been if I’d not lost weight, a little shaft of fear shoots through me.  What if I’d seriously hurt my back before and, at my most obese, there had been no way to relieve the pain?  Again, I am incredibly grateful to not have experienced that condition.

I don’t want to focus on imagining all of the ways that being so heavy could have added misery.  What if I’d broken my leg ever or suffered some other injury that made it difficult for me to stand, to walk, to get in and out of bed?  What would I have done?  I’m grateful that I didn’t need to find out.

Tonight I did an hour of Tai Chi and I was aware of the great easy of movement and the various ways that I can bend, twist, shift my weight, push up, balance and turn.  Tomorrow I’m going to a Zumba class and will smile while I keep up with the samba, salsa, cumbia and other dance steps.  This weekend, I’m visiting the Everglades.  Part of the trip includes a mile and a half walk.  A year ago, I would have stressed out over the thought of going that distance and hiding from everyone else how much effort it would take me.  Tonight, I’m smiling and thinking how much I’m going to enjoy seeing nature under my own power.

There’s a huge, wonderful difference in being aware of my body because it was huge, awkward, and always uncomfortable and the way I feel today — enjoying my body because of the way it moves and the way that I feel in all of my activities.  I don’t ever want to forget this change.  I hope that I remember to celebrate it every day.

 

Body Matters

4 Comments »
Oct 28

On the Upswing

by Mary Stella

It’s rare that I let a few days go by without a new blog post.  Sorry for that.

I finally decided that last week was just a crap fest and gave up fighting.  On top of how I personally felt emotionally and physically, we then contended with the brush-by effects of Hurricane Sandy.  We were never in the “cone of doom” and this big ass storm still sent us winds gusting up to 40 miles per hour and drove the lunar tides up high.  Friday afternoon we needed to close for the afternoon for safety’s sake.  I came home with the headache-that-wouldn’t-quit and the aching back and took a two hour nap.  Amazing how a good nap can set a person right.

So this storm gave us some problems at work although, thankfully, nothing too horrible and nothing at all as bad as what is already happening up the Eastern seaboard.  I’m extremely concerned for my friends and family up north.  I’m from the southern Jersey Shore area originally and the island where I grew up, as well as neighboring ones, are all under mandatory evacuation.   I’ve checked in and family and friends on the islands have gone places, hopefully, safer.  Other family and friends are spread out from the Outer Banks of North Carolina to Cape Cod.  I’m walking around with a knot in my stomach.  Oddly enough, I’m more concerned about all of them than I usually am for myself when a storm is heading for the Keys.  That might be because preparing for storms is second nature to us down here.  The need doesn’t arise as often for my loved ones.

To all of them and to all of you who are either in the path of Hurricane Sandy or who also have friends and family in the same situation, be safe, be well, good luck, and big hugs and prayers.

I did say I was on the upswing, didn’t I?  I am.  Really.  Storm anxiety aside, I’ve enjoyed a relaxing weekend, including a lot of time with the dogs on my porch which is nice even with gusty winds.  My food intake was good.  I exercised with a three hour Tai Chi workshop, pool dancing, and other activity.  I enjoyed working on assignments for class and writing.  I napped.  I even made a pot of homemade French Onion soup.  Life is good.

It would have been easy to cave into the ick of earlier this week and keep eating.  Honestly, any excuse will do if I let my compulsions get the bet of me.  I’m not perfect and I’m certainly not cured.  The est that I can say is that more times than not I’m able to put it aside and remember that I don’t want to do that anymore.  I want to be the person who eats right and makes healthy food and behavior choices.  I want to resist temptation and compulsion and keep losing weight.

Along with the relaxing, I checked-in with my heart, head and gut.  I think I’ve gotten myself right, am shored up against the diseased thinking and actions.  Onward and upward.  That’s why I say that I’m on the upswing.  It’s so much better than a downward trend.

Body Matters General Musings

2 Comments »
Oct 21

Pound by Pound, Inch by Inch

by Mary Stella

 

Aren’t I the photo ho this week?  A friend took this last night before I left for the fundraising event for our local animal shelter.  I’m on the Board and was also on the event committee.  The only thing missing from my outfit is the beautiful sequinned mask adorned with peacock feathers that I wore for most of the night.

I first bought this dress for my nephew’s bar mitzvah 12 years ago.  It fit me back then, but didn’t look this good.  I’d shopped my closet some weeks back and decided that this dress would do for the event.   I knew that I’d lost about ten pounds since trying it on but I really didn’t expect they would make much of a difference.  See, to me, those pounds aren’t a lot.  If someone weight 120, 130 or even 140 or more and loses ten pounds they really show.  I still consider ten pounds a drop in the proverbial weight loss bucket.  I also forgot that I’ve been doing Zumba twice a week for a few weeks and have increased the number of walks I take a week.   The fitness regime is definitely carving off inches and reshaping my body.

Yesterday evening, I slipped the dress on over my head and realized that it was almost too big.  I never anticipated that it would almost be too loose.  Luckily the heavy beaded bodice made it hang really straight.   If I’d been any smaller or the dress a tad bigger, it would have looked sloppy.

It’s good to remember that many things are happening with my body at this point.  Even on weeks that I don’t see a big number reduction on the scale, I know that working out is reducing my measurements.   I’m losing lots of my physical self allll over.   My collar bones are pretty obvious in this shot.   I might need to have my necklace shortened, too.  There are a couple of rings that I usually wear each day that also need to be made smaller.

Last night was another great ego boost as I saw even more people who haven’t seen me in a while.  I honestly loved their compliments and enthusiasm.  Knowing that they’re seeing a big chunk of progress makes their reactions extra special.  I do not in any way mean to lessen the impact of comments from people I see all of the time, but I truly know that there aren’t daily noticeable changes, so daily compliments tend to lose their oomph, even though I appreciate the support.

After taking in the attitudes and responses of everyone around me at the two events this weekend, I realized that I no longer think of myself as super obese.  Medically, I guess I’m still considered morbidly obese, but that tag will eventually also melt away.  It might sound weird to some, but I can think of myself as a big woman but not a grossly big one.  It’s a subtle, but important improvement.

I talked to a few friends last night about their Pilates experience.  I’m intrigued and thinking of scheduling a consultation.  A good Pilates instructor can probably help me figure out my knee issues and help me do even more toning.  I really hate the idea of going to a traditional gym.  (Yes, I still wish someone would open another Curves in town. *le sigh*)  I think that I’d be happier going to some private Pilates sessions to see if they are effective.

I would never have considered this before, because of the amount of extra weight I carried.  Previously, I would have been too concerned that I’d break the equipment.  Now I know I’ll be okay.

Have any of you done Pilates sessions?  Do you mind sharing about your experiences and, hopefully, your successful endeavors?

I’ll keep you posted on the consult.  Until then, remember that our losing game goes on pound by pound, inch by inch!

Body Matters General Musings My Progress

15 Comments »
Oct 20

Dressed Up, Some Place to Go

by Mary Stella

Sorry to be away for a couple days. In addition to work, I’ve been in crunch time for a charity fundraising event. Our committee’s worked very hard and tonight’s the night! Last night I also had a Chamber of Commerce dinner to attend. Fun, of course, but less time for personal things.

I posted a while back about picking outfits to wear for these events. A friend loaned me a dress for last night. I have to say it was an NSV kind of night. I think I looked darn good and many people agreed. I received many enthusiastic compliments.

I felt great too, although I had to get over some nerves. I haven’t worn a dress with a hem above the knee in years!

Here’s a picture. I promise I’ll take another one tonight at the masquerade. It makes me feel particularly terrific that I really do see my progress!

20121020-074836.jpg

Body Matters NSVs

9 Comments »
Oct 15

Changing the Obvious

by Mary Stella

I mentioned before that I’m participating in a leadership program.  I’m in a class with 21 other people, plus the session leaders, etc.  I met a lot of new people with this over the weekend and got to know a couple of others a little more.  I realized something today.  When preparing for the weekend, it didn’t cross my mind even once  to pre-flinch, worry or obsess over what the strangers would think when they first saw me.

I’m used to being the fattest person in the room, at the party, on the bus — wherever.  I always assumed that the very first thought people had when seeing me was something along the lines of, “Hoo, Geez.  That woman’s huge!”  (Or similiarly true, but unflattering thoughts.)

Imagine the stress of going through life expecting that the first impression you make will be negative.  Whether that’s truly what happens doesn’t matter.  Expecting it still causes stress.  I couldn’t help but always feel bad and then feel like I had to work that much harder to overcome the negative.  I wanted people to get past my weight and relate to me just as Mary.  It felt like this was always the challenge that I had to face and overcome.

The fact that I no longer have these feelings, that I didn’t even think about this before the weekend is a great indication of progress.  It was completely a non-issue.  I’m not thin, but now I’m not the almost-400 pound gorilla in the room.  I don’t feel like I have to overcome so much for people to get to know me and relate to me as a person.

That, my friends, is a gift to cherish and another solid brick in the foundation on which to build.

Body Matters General Musings

2 Comments »
Oct 13

Losing a Person

by Mary Stella

I’ve had an exhausting two days.  I’m enrolled in a special leadership program that has monthly sessions/activities until April.  Yesterday and today made up the first session.  I learned a lot, met terrific people — my classmates for the next several months — and participated fully in all of the discussions and activities.  We had a blast today.  After a full morning with an expert speaker who talked about negotiating, relationships, leadership styles, etc. and had us doing really interesting activities, we took off for lunch as a group.  After that, we were split into groups of four or six and sent off in electric cars around Key West on a fun and funny scavenger hunt that mixed finding clues from existing points of interest and provided challenges where we needed to stage entertaining photos and quickly email them from our phones.

After two jam-packed days I’m definitely wiped.  I can only imagine that I’d be flat out miserable and would not have enjoyed the weekend nearly as much if I’d never lost weight and started getting fit.  I’m ready to go soak in the tub, read for a little while and go to sleep early.  That said, there are a few other things I learned over the weekend that I wanted to share.

One of the important self-care techniques I’ve learned since my surgery is that I cannot leave my food and nutrition up to chance or up to anyone else’s timing.  Although our meals were included, I still made sure to bring snacks that I could eat if we had too much time between our planned meals.  Thank goodness I did so.  These got me through in good shape.  I have also learned that it’s okay for me to mix up what I eat when.  I didn’t know ahead of time that we had refrigerators in our rooms, so I didn’t bring protein shakes.   Today included a full breakfast buffet so I was able to get eggs for protein to start off my day.  The lunch items offered were grilled hamburgers and hot dogs.  I asked for my hamburger without a roll, had about two tablespoons of potato salad and was quite happy.  I grabbed a bottle of water for the scavenger hunt  Later on, we all joined up at a local bar/restaurant.  Instead of having an alcoholic drink, I asked for a virgin daquiri as a fruity treat.

When I finally got home around 6:30, I wasn’t in the mood for an actual meal.   Honestly, I wasn’t in the mood for much at all.  I had half of a leftover lamb chop in the fridge.  Just that with a half a glass of milk satisfied me for dinner.  See?  Just because it was “dinner time” didn’t mean that I had to come up with a traditional meal.

Last night there was a small reception for us with alumni of other classes.  They offered a few hot hors d’oeuvres. I took a couple of small chicken tender pieces and realizes that I was satisfied.  Almost everyone else was breaking into groups to go out to dinner.  At 8 p.m. I was tired and brain fried.  I opted to go up to my room, change into shorts, t-shirt, and walking shoes and go to the exercise room instead.  I am ridiculously proud of myself for doing 45 minutes on the treadmill!  I pushed myself at a good pace for most of it, too.   This is a good leap for me to prefer to choose an exercise option over eating more and socializing.   I needed a workout of some sort, since I hadn’t done anything aerobic since Tuesday’s Zumba class.  I’m tapped out for tonight, but tomorrow will either be a good day for a bridge walk or I’ll do water aerbics in the pool.

I’ve mentioned to a few people who’ve asked that I’ve lost around 120 pounds.  Some of these people are on the more petite side.  I literally have lost the equivalent of some of my friends and acquaintances.  Even though I’ve logically known this in some part of my brain, it really is mind-blowing.  I feel like I need to apologize to my entire poor body for forcing it to carry around an extra person for so long.

I’m sorry body, with all your individual organs, muscles, bones, tendons, joints, etc.  Thank you for not breaking down completely.  I promise to not abuse you like that ever again.  From here on out I will always treat you with greater care and do whatever is necessary to strengthen you.  We’re in this together, body.  I’m on your side!

Body Matters General Musings

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Oct 10

Your Body, Your Health

by Mary Stella

This is not a post about the many ways that being super obese impacts your health today and puts you at risk throughout the rest of your life.

Instead, I want to talk about how being super obese often leads ot us upping the odds against our well-being by not engaging in preventive care and regular, important tests and check-ups. I get it. It’s embarrassing, often humiliating, to go to the doctor. You know that the doctor is going to tell you, often with great force, that you have to lose weight.

Many primary care physicians aren’t outfitted with some of the basic equipment that’s needed for treating larger patients. I once went to a doctor whose scale didn’t have the capacity to weigh me. They didn’t have a blood pressure cuff that would go all around my upper arm. Forget about the robe/smock things that left about a foot wide gap when I tried to close them.

The list goes on but nothing is a good enough reason to not make regular appointments to have your health checked. In fact, when you’re overweight it is desperately important that you get examined. There is a greater chance that you have medical conditions that have to be known and treated. It’s bad enough that I was so overweight, but I really played Russian Roulette by not going for basic wellness exams and letting my high blood pressure and Type II diabetes go unmedicated for several years.

Ladies, let’s talk gynocological exams. Is it fun for any woman to get on the table, put her feet in the stirrups and open up for an exam and a pap smear? Hell no. That’s not going to be more enjoyable with weight loss, I know, but these are not things to ignore. If you’re really heavy your doctor should schedule you for an internal ultrasound too because she/he most likely cannot conduct a proper, thorough ovarian exam. Face the music and just do it. Swallow the embarrassment and shame. Give yourself some tough love, suck it up and go.

October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. This morning’s paper has lots of pink ads in it. As soon as my doctor gets back from her own medical leave next month I have my annual appointment. One of the things she’ll do is write my mammogram prescription. This might be the first time in my life that I will be completely confident that the test and films are accurate. It might also be the first time that the test itself doesn’t hurt like a mofo. Boob placement and squishing for a mammo are not high on the list of “Can’t Wait!” things for any woman. The procedure is even worse for those of us with gigantic breasts. I always felt bad for the technician as she struggled to place my breasts right on the machine for a good, clear picture. I know that she knew that the amount of pressure the machine applied hurt me and I did my best not to suck in air, moan, or otherwise show my discomfort. It wasn’t her fault and I knew it was necessary or the radiologist would have no hope of spotting cancer in my breasts.

I’m really looking forward to my annual mammogram being a refreshingly different experience this year.

I’ll be 55 on my birthday in January. A few years ago, because I’m perimenopausal, my doctor wanted me to have a bone mineral density test. I couldn’t. No place within 120 miles of where I live had equipment with a table that could hold my weight. I carried the sick shame of that for days until I locked it in a closed compartment of my brain and refused to think about it any more. I can go for one now. That will be another huge NSV.

I don’t mean to lecture myself or anybody else here. Honestly, I want to encourage any of you who might be avoiding going to the doctor because of your weight. Please, please, take heart, shore yourself up and go. Do not further jeopardize your future. Take care of yourself as best you can. If you need cheerleaders, tell us here in comments and we’ll shake pom poms, kick up our feet and support you all of the way.

Body Matters General Musings

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