Weighty Matters

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Mar 17

Blowing Past Limitations

by Mary Stella

Okay, you know that I’m a big fan of entertainment reality shows like The Voice and Dancing with the Stars. Not only am I entertained, I am frequently inspired. Never more so than tonight’s season premier of DWTS.

One of the dancing “amateurs” is Amy Purdy. She was terrific with pro partner Derek Hough. Sharp, snappy, quick footed, graceful, energetic. Really great. Amy Purdy is a double amputee and wears prosthetics below her knees on both legs. She’s a bronze medal winning snowboarder who competed in the 2014 Paralympics while also training for DWTS.

She’s my new hero. Here is a beautiful young woman who doesn’t believe in limitations. I’d venture a guess that if someone told her she couldn’t do something because of her physical challenges, she’d laugh in their face and then show them that they’re wrong. She doesn’t have any disabilities. She’s missing her legs below her knees but under no stretch of the definition is she disabled.

Then there is comedian/actor/game show host Drew Carey. When he first became famous, or at least when I first heard of him, on his television show, he was 80 or so pounds overweight. He was diagnosed with Type II diabetes and he had to have an angioplasty procedure to open a clogged artery. In 2010, he committed to losing weight, cut out carbohydrates, did 45 minutes of cardio most days each week and ended up losing 80 pounds. When he appeared on tonight’s DWTS, he looked terrific. He talked about how, now that he’s lighter and fitter, he enjoys finding out what he can do in his body. He’s thoroughly enjoying the new freedom he’s experiencing, including the greater ease of movement. Ohhh, boy, do I ever relate!

So in one night, I witnessed the stories of a woman who refused to let anyone define her in terms of limitations and a man who experienced limitations and did something about it.

Color me inspired. This helps me remember that the only roadblocks in my way are the ones that I either manifest or that I permit to remain in my way. I, too, can blow past them as I continue on my recovery journey. That’s just what I’m going to do.

Body Matters General Musings The Past is the Past

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Mar 13

Photographs and Memories

by Mary Stella

I was on a hunt last night for photos of a particular friend. I’m not one of those people who has old packets of photos neatly boxed in date order with labels on the boxes. So I had to dig through a lot of photo store envelopes, haphazardly piled. This meant that I went through many photos from mostly the last 13 or so years. I wish I could say that I was carrying around a warm, fuzzy nostalgic feeling after the experience, but that isn’t the case.

Mostly I’m sad. I’m huge in the majority of the photos in which I even appear. It doesn’t matter what the photo portrays, whether it was a party, a gathering of friends, a fun event, an exciting occasion — if I’m fully in the photo, I can’t see anything else or feel any of the happy that should be part of those memories. The only shots where I experience the joy are those where enough of me is concealed behind other people.

How pitiful. Miserable. I am mired in the sludgy realization that my obesity most likely robbed me of some of the happiness at the time the photos were taken and the way I looked then still steals the joy of the memory from me today. There’s a photo of me with my younger nephew at his bar mitzvah. We both have huge smiles on our faces and must have just shared some really great moment. Damn it. I know I was happy right then when the photographer took the shot, but looking at the picture years later only brings me pain and that regret.

There was one exception. I found a photo from 11 years ago of me with my dear friend Chrissy. Chrissy comments here at the blog and has mentioned her own weight loss surgery/journey so I’m not blowing up her anonymity. Anyway, in that photo, we’re both obese, but it didn’t make me sad to look at it. I was able to look objectively at where we were and be really happy that we’ve come so far. We both have achieved significant weight loss and regained a great amount of quality health. These things I can celebrate.

I need to process this and make my peace with the photographic evidence of my past. I want to reach the point where I accept and forgive myself for the effect my previous obesity has on my memories. I want to not cringe when I look at old pictures but recapture the pleasure and joy in those experiences.

Body Matters The Past is the Past

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Mar 10

Keep Calm and Be Well

by Mary Stella

I was going to continue the idea started by Hope in the comments and go with Keep Calm and Eat Kale as a title. Then I decided that Eat Well was more universal.

That realization yesterday that these slow months of remaining weight loss have been necessary in order for me to build lasting recovery has done me a world of good. It’s like my emotions can stop fighting each other, or my emotions and my mind can quit blaming each other — or something. Today I’ve been extremely calm and matter-of-fact about eating, food, and the weight I still want to lose. It’s no surprise to me that I haven’t had to struggle to stay on the food plan either. No white-knuckle abstinence today, thank goodness. Lack of obsession over food, absence of compulsions all further advance the calmness. There is a lot to be said for serenity.

I had another realization over the weekend. More accurately, I finally accepted something that I realized a while ago. Yes, I am incredibly more fit and much more physically active than ever in my life. However, I also need to be aware of some limitations. Remember when I talked about not needing to take over-the-counter pain meds very often anymore when I used to take them a couple of times every day? That continues as long as I respect my body, specifically my right knee, and not push it further than it’s good for it to go.

The Saturday of the 5K walk, I logged more than 16,000 steps. That evening, my knee throbbed a lot and I finally took some ibuprofen tablets so that I could sleep. All week long I stayed in the 10-12K steps range with walking and some bike riding. Occasionally my knee got stiff or twinged, but at no time was it really bad, nor did it interfere with my life. This past Saturday, I topped out at close to 16K steps all with walking, no bike riding. I also pushed my intensity on the treadmill that night.

Small wonder that when I tried to sleep, my knee really hurt. Unfortunately, I didn’t have any ibuprofen with me at the hotel. I did my best to adjust, cushioned my knee with a pillow, got some ice for a while. Eventually, I fell asleep but discomfort woke me up a couple of times before the throbbing eased.

Yesterday with the long drive home, I didn’t reach the usual 10,000 steps. Mentally and emotionally, I need to remind myself that taking a day off is not only okay, it’s a good suggestion. Today, I am back on track, beginning with a 40 minute walk before sunrise.

I’ve been trying to gradually raise my step level to average 15,000 steps every day. Now I get that this is an unrealistic goal at this point. It is one thing to encourage myself to work out and make sure that I don’t get lazy and complacent. It is another thing to push myself to the point of pain. If I do that too often, I risk truly messing myself up which could make it so that I can’t keep up with my fitness regimen at all. That’s a worst case scenario that I want no part of. So, I’m going to continue with my average of between 10K-12K steps per day and make sure that I ride my bike as much as possible, which greatly reduces the impact on my knee. With this approach and my Tai Chi, I can continue improving my physical condition and remain fit.

Body Matters My Progress

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Mar 9

Why Slow Is Great

by Mary Stella

I’m back from my fun-filled road trip. It was a long day, with the long drive and all, but fun too. I’m tired but I just had this great realization. I’m afraid that I’ll lose it out of my brain if I wait to write this post tomorrow.

I posed my sea lion picture so some family and friends could see it. A cousin that lives across the country sent me this wonderful email of congratulations and love and also some of the things he realizes. He talked about being inspired to witness my “slow and steady commitment in a world where immediacy is pitched, pawned and prevalent”.

I’ve read his email a few times and just now, when finally having a chance to respond, I had a big “aha” moment. I need to stop whining and bitching complaining about how long it’s taking me to lose these remaining 30-40 pounds.

These months have been incredibly important, I would even call them vital, to my overall recovery. They are giving me the time I need to really learn how to consistently live a life in recovery from my eating disorder. Because I continue with this effort day after day; because my journey hits speed bumps sometimes; I am fully integrating the techniques, the mindset, the tools that I need in order to sustain the weight loss and overall healthy lifestyle.

What if I’d lost all 200 plus pounds non-stop without ever hitting a slow down? I don’t know if I would have developed the new habit of consistently exercising. The commitment to creating a physically fit body might not have grown. It could have been one of those temporary efforts like I’ve made so many times in the past. Instead it feels real. It feels part of me.

Same thing with gradually learning to make healthier food choices — not just in the small stomach restriction of quantity and volume, but the slow experimentation with different foods, with different ways of cooking, with embracing healthy meals.

Tonight’s realization is so amazingly healthy for me. I love it. For the first time, I am free of resenting the plateau and the slow weight loss. Each day is a day of progress. Each day makes me stronger. I am so grateful!

Body Matters My Progress The Past is the Past

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Mar 6

Things I Love Right Now

by Mary Stella

I have a guilty pleasure. I like to occasionally buy a little soap opera magazine. The only soap I watch is General Hospital and I’ve done so for decades. The DVR records it daily and I watch when I get home at night. I like reading about the show, the actors, the storylines, what’s coming up, etc. One of these magazines has a feature where the editors/writers name the Five Things They’re Loving Right Now about a certain show. They also name the one thing they could do without.

In the spirit of this feature, I started pondering about five things I love right now about my journey, my progress, myself. Yes, I’ll also pick the thing I could do without. Here we go, in no particular order:

Whenever I’m going on a trip, whether for a weekend or longer period, I love that I automatically pack exercise clothes, walking sneaks, and my iPod. These items are now as necessary as any other wardrobe item or my cosmetics and toiletries.

I love the I’m increasingly more open and willing to choose healthier alternatives in my food. No more turning up my nose at natural, organic peanut butter (I purposely buy without added sugar.) or fat free plain Greek yogurt. Sure, let me use spaghetti squash instead of pasta under my red sauce for an Italian food fix. I’m sampling a greater variety of less processed foods, too. A friend shared something she heard from a television or celebrity doctor — she can’t remember which one. He recommended that one strong step to eating healthier is to avoid food items that are advertised on television. Sure, as with anything there are some exceptions – like quality Greek yogurt — but think about what products you see most often in commercials.

I love that I no longer take over-the-counter pain relievers every day any more. My left knee will never be 100% but it doesn’t throb or ache at the end of every day. My whole body doesn’t hurt after a full day at work. At my heaviest, I took the equivalent of prescription-strength non-aspirin pain relievers every day, sometimes a few times a day. Now I don’t even think I take them once a month.

This one might be a little shallow, but forgive me, okay? I love that I’m no longer the heaviest person I know, the heaviest person at work, the heaviest person I see most days. When you’ve lived most of your life as the most overweight person present in any situation, it wears on the self-esteem. Having that weight off of me, literally and figuratively, lightens my spirit.

I absolutely love that I can both see and feel definition in my muscles. Sometimes I have to move around a bit for the definition to be obvious because of some remaining flab or saggy skin, but my muscles are toned! I not only feel stronger, I feel powerful. Booyah!

There are more things, of course, but these are the ones that most strike me today. Now for the thing I could do without. That would be how reactive my body is to carbs. We started this week with me annoyed because I ate a few carbs and my body decided to hold onto four faux pounds of water weight. I stayed with my plan and flushed them away, then lost an additional half pound so far. This makes me happy, but the fact that it was necessary still ticks me off.

So, my friends, what are five things about yourselves or your lives that you love? It’s okay to share the thing you could do without, too.

Body Matters General Musings NSVs The Past is the Past

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Mar 4

Fighting Back – Day Two

by Mary Stella

Thanks to the no-junk-carbs, healthy foods, lots of fluids approach yesterday, I’ve flushed two pounds of the evil water weight out of my body. Two more to go and I’ll be back on track.

In the midst of this I had the “Oh Yeah”, mental head smack, “D’oh!” moment. I really am supposed to eat like this all of the time while I’m still on the reducing phase of my weight loss journey. It’s not like I’ve been awful, playing fast and loose with my food plan, but clearly I have not been as “rigorously honest” with the effort as I thought. In retrospect, I will cop to what I know realize was some form of denial.

I wasn’t bingeing. I wasn’t completely immersed in compulsive eating. I was probably eating more like I will as a “normal” person. Eating well-balanced, healthy meals, indulging with a few treats here and there, but not going crazy to the point where I kept gaining pound after pound after pound.

The thing is that I’m not yet in the phase where this is the way that I should be eating. I still have weight to lose, so I was stalling my own effort. There is a LOT of great news in this realization. Just the fact that I actually can eat like a so-called “normal” person is encouraging. I’ve never been able to do that for a sustained period of time. ***I hate the term “normal person” or “normal eating” but, unfortunately, I can’t think of better, more appropriate terms right now to convey what I mean.*** I’ve now been on this journey for more than two years and, overall, I’m doing great! This gives me enormous encouragement that when it’s time for me to transition to maintenance and the future lifestyle of eating, I’m going to continue to be successful.

This eliminates an enormous fear. Deep in my heart, I’ve been almost afraid to believe that I will not gain back all of my weight. I’ve been terrified that I will revert to the old pattern, the way that I did every single other time I dieted. I am now cautiously learning to have faith and believe that I truly am converting to a person who will sustain life time recovery. These are not just “for now” changes. I’m in it to win it for the rest of my life.

For now, however, I need to maintain the rigorous honesty of my “losing” food plan. I’m fighting back against the lure of carbs and too much sugar. It’s day two of this week’s fight, and I’m committed to success. Tomorrow morning, I will wake up and commit again. Recovery is achieved by successfully living a series of “One Day at a Time” efforts.

I feel lighter today, not just in body, but also in spirit. I was growing weary of the losing effort. Today I am newly inspired.

Body Matters General Musings My Progress

3 Comments »
Mar 3

Battling Temptation

by Mary Stella

Doesn’t it figure? I’m primed, ready, and prepped to flush the effects of the evil carbs from my system, and the kitchen at work is absolutely loaded with sandwiches, pastries and cookies. I mean loaded. There are three bakery trays of sweets on the counter and the fridge is packed to overload with other stuff. I could barely find room for my lunch tote.

I really did prepare too. I have a small smoothie blender at work and a matching one at home, I put all of the ingredients for a delicious, healthy lunch-time smoothie into the blender cup and brought it with me. I also packed two small apples, for good soluble fiber and, just in case I need a little extra protein, a hard boiled egg. I am ready to battle the water-retention bulge that I suffered this weekend.

The leftover food in the kitchen makes that room the equivalent of an unsupervised, open bar for an alcoholic. I jumped on here to declare my determination not to give into the temptation to veer from my plan. I will not sneak in a cop a cookie. I will not decide that the smoothie didn’t satisfy my hunger and grab a bite of sandwich. I will go into the kitchen for three reasons and three reasons only:

To get ice from the freezer for my water glass.
To retrieve my lunch tote when it’s time for my snacks or lunch.
To use the copy machine.

I can be successful today. I will be successful today.

I’ll let you know tonight how I did. In the meantime, some positive energy from my blog buddies will help. Thank you!

Body Matters My Progress

6 Comments »
Mar 2

I (h)Ate Carbs

by Mary Stella

I’m pretty annoyed this morning. I did great with my 5K walk yesterday, as I posted here. I continued to be active during the day, including walking the dogs before going out to a Chinese New Year dinner celebration with my Tai Chi group. I’ve been so good with my food too.

What happened when I got on the scale this morning? According to the number, I gained two pounds since yesterday. Intellectually, I know this is not mathematically possible. I did not eat 7200 more calories than I expended in a 24 hour period. (3600 calories to a pound X two pounds, etc.) Honestly, I don’t think I can fit 7200 calories in my body in a day. I would have to drink almost nine large chocolate milkshakes from a certain fast food restaurant in order to accomplish that feat of overload.

So what happened? I ate some carbs. Through the course of an extremely active day, I had a small cookie when the race was over, half a biscuit at lunch, a small scoop of rice at dinner, and another cookie at dinner. I just looked up the approximate carb counts of those foods and then added more just to be on the safe side. I can’t make the carb count go higher than 87 grams.

According to the Institute of Health, adult women should consume 45 to 65 percent of their daily calories from carbohydrates. This means women following 1,200-calorie weight loss diets need about 135 to 195 grams of carbs each day. If I’m topping out at 1000 calories a day, I can drop that range to about 113 to 165 grams of carbs a day. I know that needs to include “good” carbs too, like from fruit, veggies and healthy grains.

So, when I analyze my sum total of food for the day, taking into account that I did ingest around 87 grams of “junk” carbs, I still did not drastically overdo on a day when I was super active. (close to 17,000 steps by days end on the FitBit.)

Clearly junk carbs really are the enemy. Apparently, my body is super reactive to them, too. The only logical explanation for the two pounds-in-a-day weight gain is that I’m retaining water. I don’t feel or look bloated or puffy, but I can’t come up with any other reason.

Can you tell that I’m more than a little pissed off today? It doesn’t matter that I know it’s temporary weight. It messes with my head. I become resentful as all get out and ugly, diseased, “You f*&#ked up your plan again” thoughts invade my mind.

Here’s how I’m countering the crappy mind chatter. My knee was a little stiff this morning, but I rolled out of bed, dressed, and took an 11 mile bike ride. I came home and ate the rest of yesterday’s frittata, which I shared with Nat and Pyxi. I then decided that I need to fight fluid with fluid. So, for the next day or so, I’m going to really push liquids. I’ll refrain from carbs, except what comes in fruit or veggies, go with protein shakes or smoothies for breakfast and lunch, and really focus on getting in more water. I’m going to do my darnedest to flush out my system and get my body back on track.

Body Matters My Progress

5 Comments »
Mar 1

My First 5K

by Mary Stella

I love the community in which I live. We do a lot of events to raise money for various organizations throughout the year and they always seem to be well attended and also supported by the businesses in the area. It’s not like we’re a huge metropolis either. We have maybe 8500 full time residents and the “full time” part is questionable. I think there are a fair number of people who claim their home here is their full time residence but they actually spend a chunk of their time elsewhere. Whatever the case, we collectively turn out to support the area events.

Today was the Sombrero Beach Run to benefit KAIR. This organization runs a food bank for low income people and also a homeless shelter and kitchen to supply meals to homeless folks. Every dollar raised is a big help. When I saw friends sharing about the Beach Run on their Facebook page, the announcements captured my attention and I decided to sign up. Not only do I like to support KAIR, but I also liked the message I was sending to myself. I can do a 5K walk! Two years ago, even though I was post-surgery and losing weight, I still wasn’t in good enough shape to walk so far. I sure couldn’t have done it prior to my weight loss surgery. Now, today? A whole different story!

The overall event had several competitions: 10K Run; 5K Run; 15K Challenge for runners who wanted to do both races; and the 5K Walk. A friend who has done the race before assured me there would be plenty of walkers so I didn’t feel strange about signing up for the least challenging competition.

For me, this wouldn’t be a competition at all, really. I wasn’t walking to win. All I wanted to do was walk, complete the 5K in less than an hour, and not come in last. Yesterday, a friend texted me that she was going to sign up too, so I’d even have a walking partner.

Last night, I went to the beach to pick up my number, t-shirt, and goody bag. Can I just tell you that I felt absurdly pleased to be so official? I had to think and plan my food for race day. I opted to eat a protein-rich breakfast and got up early enough to make a frittata with sautéed spinach and shallots mixed in and a slice of very crisp bacon. (My dogs love when I make bacon because I always make a slice for them too.) After eating, I had plenty of time to let the meal settle before putting on my socks and walking sneakers. I pinned my number on my shirt, grabbed my water bottle and headed out.

The weather could not have been more perfect! Apologies to those of you enduring endless snow storms and frigid temps. Down here this morning it was in the low-mid 70s with bright sunshine and a cool breeze off the ocean.

The 10K race started at 8 a.m., more than an hour before the 5K, so there were lots of folks milling around while a D.J. played dance music. A couple of people I know and I danced on the beach to the Electric Slide, the Cuban Shuffle and the Cha Cha Slide. Why not? I considered it a warm up routine. What fun to be part of this crowd of people! I knew so many of the folks who were either working the food tents or getting ready to hit the course. The area businesses did a great job. There were platters of cut-up bananas, bagels with cream cheese and various pastries if anyone wanted carbohydrate energy. Other volunteers were grilling hot dogs and sausages and wrapping them in aluminum foil to distribute after the races.

Finally, 9:15 approached and we gathered at the starting line to depart en masse. We were off! My friend and I chatted the whole way and also applauded runners who passed us coming back as they completed the 10K run, and then the 5K. Volunteers and residents along the route cheered and applauded us as we passed and handed out cups of water if we didn’t have any to drink. The energy from everyone was glorious. I was having a blast!

On the way back, I noticed that we’d lagged a little. I think we got distracted by our own gabbing. I urged my friend on and suggested that we should finish strong, so we picked up our own pace. Thanks to that, as we neared the finish line, I saw that we were, indeed, going to finish ahead of the one hour mark. 57:45 to be exact. Best of all, we were far from the last walkers to cross the line! All goals met and I was all smiles. We asked some volunteers to snap this photo as a keepsake.

After finishing my first "official" 5K walk.

After finishing my first “official” 5K walk.

When I think back to my life pre-surgery and how walking any distance physically challenged me, I can’t help but feel big time happy and not a little proud of where I am today. I don’t need to be the first to cross the line in my age class to feel like a winner. Just getting out and doing it at all feels like a win. Having fun and enjoying the effort? Bonus!

I’m going to keep my eyes open for additional 5K walks for other fundraising events. I know that I can beat the time we set today. Like I said, we were gabbing and not paying attention to our pace. That’s just a personal challenge that will make it even more fun. In the meantime, I’m just going to enjoy the glow from entering and completing my first official 5K event!

Body Matters My Progress NSVs

3 Comments »
Feb 28

Misplaced Guilt

by Mary Stella

I got up at 6 a.m. today but it was raining so I didn’t go out for a walk or bike ride. I also didn’t put in one of my home exercise DVDs. Instead, I prepared and packed lunch for work, turned on my DVR recording of last night’s Scandal (OMG!), and ate breakfast. By the way, that whole mixing of some vanilla extract and honey into plain non-fat yogurt turned out great!

I feel really guilty that I didn’t exercise. I know this is misplaced guilt and just another great example of how diseased thinking can strike. I exercise for at least an hour a day, usually seven days a week. That’s even more than the usually recommended amount. Even when the number on the scale is slow, the inches coming off and the reshaping of my body are evident because of the exercise. Bottom line: I have no reason to feel guilty because I skipped a day of exercise.

Particularly when I haven’t skipped an entire day. I could make it up tonight after work — or not. It’s okay. The only person who disagrees isn’t even a person — it’s my subconscious or some part of my brain that likes to make me feel bad or feel like I’m letting myself down or doing something wrong to screw up my recovery.

Right now, I’m going to declare that I will not listen to that part of my psyche. I will not spend another minute feeling this misplaced guilt. I will not compound it by also eating off of my food plan. I will remain in recovery today.

I needed to get that out. Thanks.

By the way, have I mentioned that tomorrow I’m doing a 5K walk race? I’m not in it for competition. The whole event benefits a local service organization that runs a food bank and homeless shelter. I wanted to support the organization. Not only will tomorrow give me a chance to do that, but it will put me squarely back on the exercise wagon.

Body Matters General Musings

3 Comments »
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