Weighty Matters

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May 13

Concourse Death March

by Mary Stella

Miami Airport appears huge to me. No matter where I park in proximity to my terminal it seems to take forever to get to the check-in counter. Not well organized, one then must trundle to the TSA line before going down a concourse that feels endless.

Seriously. It took Dorothy less skipping down the yellow brick road to arrive at Oz. Being extremely overweight and completely out of shape made navigating this airport a painful struggle. It equated to a death march or Moses leading the chosen people out of Egypt in my mind as I sweated, huffed and puffed my way to the gate.

Today, I’m bopping down the long, long concourse with a downright spring in my step. Distance? Bring it on and let the steps add up on my FitBit. No pain. No gasping for air. No problem.

Booyah!

Body Matters My Progress NSVs The Past is the Past

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May 11

Objective Body Image

by Mary Stella

I’m going on a trip in the near future. I’ve talked here and there about picking up some new clothes. Today I pulled out everything that I thought I wanted to take with me on vacation and tried on different outfits. I always used to hate seeing myself in the mirror. Seeing my supersize body always made me feel like crap. I never ever looked good. At best, I could sometimes train myself to look and see good-enough-considering-the-extra-200-pounds. Not that it felt good, but it was the best I could do at the time.

Even when I was on a losing trend, I always had “fat eyes”. I still struggled with that “objects in the mirror are larger” mentality and vision even after surgery as my weight loss progressed. The inside of my brain is sometimes like an old time funhouse mirror that distorts the image. No lie, I despaired of ever developing the honest objectivity to see my body image as it truly is, without my diseased thinking and poor self-image picking out only the flaws.

The journey has helped, particularly this blog and posting pictures of myself along the way. Just taking pictures of myself was a big step. I’m used to hiding behind others, attempting to minimize my size. I never wanted pictures of just me or at least no full length/whole body photographs. Ugh. They all made me cringe and hate my body even more. Somewhere along the line of these last two plus years, a healthier vision began to develop. I’ve become more comfortable looking at myself and am learning to accept and like what I see at every stage. This is terrific progress, particularly when I know I still have about 25-30 pounds to use. Are there still flaws? Oh sure. The skin of my thighs and upper arms is incredibly loose and wrinkly. Although the two stomach rolls I have are much, much smaller, I am still not roll-less. However, when I look I don’t want to immediately look away or cover my own eyes. I’m objective. I can really celebrate my overall smallness and pat myself on the back for the improved muscle tone and shaping from my fitness efforts.

Today I tried on outfit after outfit and looked at myself — really looked — in a full length mirror. Rather than dread, I experienced joy. There’s real happiness found in putting on that flirty party dress with its tiered ruffles and the bold pink/black/gray splashed print of the fabric. I was in love with the funky, almost steampunkish styling of an awesome blouse that I found on Friday and the way that it nips in at my waist. One new top has a really great neckline that shows off just the right amount of chest, including collar bones that were previously buried under fat. It also has an asymmetrical hem and a festive, eye-catching print. It makes me feel like partying just looking at it.

Admittedly, I selected styles and designs that minimize the flaws and accentuate the positives. I’m not at a place yet where I am comfortable showing my bare upper arms and I want dresses and skirts to be long enough to cover the wrinkly-jiggly thighs. But I’m not hiding behind voluminous outfits. I have tailored blouses and pants that show off my improved waistline. That flirty dress still hits above the knee. You know I’ve come a long way when I can twist to get a rear view and not even wonder if my ass looks fat. Instead, I smiled at the lack of “shelf butt” and the smooth lie of the fabric over my behind.

There was a time when I really had to go through these trips with blinders. I had to work hard not to think about how I looked and block out to the best of my ability what I imagined other people thought when they saw me. This time, I am delighted that my suitcase will be filled with fun, beautiful, perfect-for-me, fashionable clothing. I can’t wait to wear every single garment and will do so knowing that I truly look my best.

It might not be my ultimate best, but it’s pretty darned great!

Body Matters

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May 10

Feeling It

by Mary Stella

When I lived in a state of morbid obesity or super obesity, I only felt the ill effects of too much eating, or of eating too much crappy food after a binge. It really took stuffing myself with massive quantities of food for my body to complain. My spirit, my head, my emotions suffered, but I was so physically conditioned to eating a lot that lesser amounts didn’t make an impact. Even if my lesser amounts would have caused gastric distress in a “normal-sized” person, they didn’t register.

Now that I’ve lost more than 180 pounds, my body is much more sensitive and aware. This is beyond my surgically altered stomach. I’m not talking about how packing too much food in at one time triggers me to throw it back up. I truly notice physical reactions if I eat too much in a given day — even spread out over several meals — or if I indulge too often in crappy or not-as-healthy-for-me food.

This past week was a perfect example of this new awareness. As I’ve shared, I was incredibly busy at work with three days of media filming that required longer days, largely spent outside. My schedule of eating was thrown off and it was more challenging for me to find time to sit down and eat one of my normally healthy meals. Add in the stress and, let’s face it, I ate more crappy food than I usually would in a month. Ok, ok, the occasional small serving of french fries alone wouldn’t kill me, but when combined with other food items that have too much salt, too much fat, or too many carbs over a few days, my body sent clear messages. Eat crap = feel crappy. I bloated, I ached, I felt sluggish so I had to work harder to muster the energy I needed for the job. I’m sure this all made me feel even more tired at night. Overall, I was just off.

Sorting through all of this, crystallizing the realization, and processing the experience helped me take action to feel better. I ate unhealthy for so many years. Now that I’ve made it a practice to make healthy choices — not only in quantity and selection but in the quality of the food selections, I know how much better healthy feels.

Yesterday and today I’ve consumed mostly vegetables, fruits, and yogurt while also raising my hydration level. I haven’t had overly processed foods, nor anything that salty. It’s amazing to me how much better I feel, and in how short a time. I just took the dogs out for a long walk and felt really connected to my energy again. Honestly, I could have gone longer but Pyxi is still building back up after her mild injury. I may pop in an exercise DVD just for the hell of it.

I’m psyched that I’m more in touch with how and what I eat affects me. I’ll take it as another sign of my ever developing recovery. I like that, for the first time in my life, I’m aware of my body’s signals rather than being numb and oblivious.

Body Matters My Progress NSVs The Past is the Past

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May 6

No Pain!

by Mary Stella

While many of my workdays are mostly spent at my desk and computer, I have some days when I am outside and on my feet for most of the eight or more hours. I clearly remember in the pre-weight loss time of my life when a media day outside absolutely beat me up. By the time I finished and practically crawled home, my entire body — particularly my joints, feet and back — nearly cried from the pain. As soon as I walked in the house, I’d gulp down 800 mgs of ibuprofen, grab an ice pack for my right knee which always hurt the most, and collapse in a chair. At the time, I didn’t have the luxury of a warm bath because I was afraid of being so big that I’d get stuck in the bathtub.

Today was one of those all-day outside media days. I got to work at 7:30 a.m. and didn’t leave until after 4:30 p.m. I possibly sat down for a total of two hours, maybe, in that time span but never more than 15 minutes at a time. Was it a really active day for me? You bet. Just to give you an idea, I took the dogs out for a short walk this morning and again this evening, but neither was one of my 45 minute fitness walks that helps build up the step count on my FitBit. Still and all, I was on my feet so much, walking around, that I still racked up 11,500 steps which means I walked almost five miles.

Best of all. My joints are not weeping for mercy. My back doesn’t ache. I didn’t need to take any OTC pain relievers. I’m considering a good, warm bath but I love doing that anyway and I’m not doing it to soak away any pains.

All I can say is that the difference between me tonight and how I would have been after a similar day a few years ago is astounding. It’s always good for me to hold this experience close and remember it so that I can use it to positively reinforce my overall effort. I feel incredibly grateful and blessed.

Body Matters NSVs The Past is the Past

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May 5

Ready, Aim, Eat!

by Mary Stella

A good friend stopped into my office today to chat about food. Specifically, she was having issues about food today in that she had all this good, healthy stuff available but wanted something completely different. It was really bugging her because she wasn’t having a bad day and couldn’t identify anything that was triggering the desire to eat something else.

I’m an excellent person to come and talk to about these things because I so totally, completely, and indisputably “get it”. I know from food triggers. I also know what it’s like to have the desire to eat inappropriately when no triggers exist or if they’re so muffled that I don’t realize that something actually did trigger the reaction.

I also don’t try to fix the problem. Honestly, there isn’t anything to do that can fix it. Sometimes you just have to cowgirl up and ride it out — unless it’s one of those times when you can allow yourself a break and eat what you wanted. Still, it’s nice to have someone around that you can share with, complain to, or just whine with. I’m happy to be there for my friends. God knows they are there always for me.

This same friend and I had a different conversation last week after I complimented her on how her fitness and eating regimes were really paying off. She had on a snug cut tee shirt that really defined her waist and I could definitely see how much she has slimmed through that area. (Let me note that my friend is not obese nor even greatly overweight. She wants to lose about 10-15 pounds.) When I complimented her, she immediately disagreed, which is something that I often do. We talked a lot about how it’s almost a reflex for us to refute the compliment, probably because we don’t see the progress in ourselves the way that others do. We agreed that we’re going to call each other on that habit if we do it again. So, from now on, if someone share a photo or pays a compliment, we’re going to smile and accept it as valid. This is so much healthier than having a knee jerk dismissal of a positive observation.

Body Matters General Musings

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May 4

Apathy and Laziness

by Mary Stella

A long time ago, I shared the acronym H.A.L.T. It’s a caution that reminds me not to get too hungry, angry, lonely or tired. (We 12 Steppers are big on helpful acronyms!) For the last couple of days, along with the uncharacteristic case of the blues, I’ve noticed that I’ve been particularly shoulder-shrugging-whatever about my efforts and downright lazy about my exercise.

Today I opted to amend the acronym to replace angry and lonely with apathy and laziness. The good news is that I had the realization while I was finally up off my ass, out of my chair, and out for a walk with Nat and Pyxi. I’ll bottom line it for myself. I have work to do. Always. The effort to be a healthy weight and create a life of health and fitness has not ended, nor will it. Ever. This is not something I can do for awhile, get where I want and then stop. It’s my life. I want it and I embrace it.

There are various theories about how long it takes to change a habit and forge a new one. I don’t think there is ever a set number of days or months. It’s more like it takes forever because the commitment to the new lifestyle habits has to be made every single day going forward. Diseased thinking and old habits that are comfortable even when they are ultimately destructive do not magically evaporate. They’re always around, lurking on the fringes, looking for an opening to reinsert into my life. Apathy and laziness are cracks in my foundation, the little openings through which the crappy behaviors can seep. If I don’t seal up those cracks and reinforce my core determination and the new foundation I’ve been building, enough disease can build up and completely screw me up.

I’ve talked before about determination and the need for vigilance. This post is another reminder to myself. Recovery is not an event. It’s a process.

I feel better today. Just having gotten up and gone out for a longer walk than I’ve done since the beginning of the week helps my mindset. It’s a counter-measure to the laziness. Thinking about this, writing about it, and connecting with my determination beats back the apathy. I have the tools. I know what to do. I’m putting on the brakes, calling H.A.L.T. and continuing my journey.

Body Matters My Progress The Past is the Past

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Apr 27

Going off the Clock

by Mary Stella

For three days in a row, I didn’t set my alarm for 6 a.m. I made the conscious choice not to get up super early for a hour of exercise to start the day. Frankly, I needed sleep more than I needed the workouts first thing in the morning.

This does not mean that I slacked off. I might not have made 10K steps every day, but I still moved my body enough in beneficial ways. For example, when I rolled out of bed closer to 8 a.m. yesterday, I went out for a 10 mile bike ride. Today I walked the dogs twice and went to a three hour Tai Chi intensive. Okay so “tai chi intensive” sounds like an oxymoron. It isn’t the same as power aerobics, but three hours of movement is still movement. We did two full sets to begin, each of which takes 15-20 minutes. These were followed by “foundation” exercises. Among these are something called danyus which are similar to squats. I’m sure we did 30 of them alone.

Honestly, as focused as I am on my physical fitness, it is not a bad thing for me to skip a couple of days. I don’t have to go full out seven days a week. It’s good for me to remember this and create balance. Sleeping a little later each morning for three days definitely created much needed balance. Whatever the case, doing so really helped. I feel much more rested tonight than I have in the last three weeks.

Overall, I feel terrific. My mind feels as rested as my body and I’m still riding that stress-release wave. Going off the clock turned out to be another useful form of self-care for the weekend.

Body Matters General Musings

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Apr 21

Getting Moving

by Mary Stella

For the last week, I’ve been sluggish. Even though I got out on the bike several times, I fell off on my steps and didn’t get in my longer walks for a few days. I was exhausted at the end of every evening and craved even an extra half an hour of sleep in the mornings.

When I fall off of my game for even a few days, it affects how I feel about myself. Not only does my body weigh down, but my mind and emotions also experience their own kind of sluggishness. The more days that I go without significant, or at least fully adequate, exercise, the more I feel like a slug and the more difficult it is to self-motivate.

This morning, my alarm went off at 6 a.m. and I completely did not want to get out of bed and exercise. I scolded myself, laced on the sneakers and went out for a 40 minute brisk walk, followed by another 12-15 minutes of more leisurely walk with the pups. One the way home I realized how good I felt emotionally. My whiny ‘tude evaporated, I had more of a spring in my step, and I was smiling while I sang along to the tunes on my Nano. I not only no longer felt tired, I was rejuvenated.

After so much time, it shouldn’t surprise me that positive energy first thing in the morning sets me up for less stress and more energy throughout the day. The better I feel about my body and my self, the better I do with everything or anything that comes my way.

I’m really glad that A) I got my ass up and out of bed for the walk and B) that I was aware of how I felt when I started and then how great I felt with the endorphin release. I’m going to remember this tomorrow at 6 a.m. when the alarm goes off. Getting moving is a positive on which I can, and need to, build.

Body Matters General Musings My Progress

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Apr 13

Stopping the Slide

by Mary Stella

A lot of what Chrissy said in her comment to my Funk-ytown post really resonated. Recovery requires attention to all three aspects – physical, emotionally and spiritually. Spirituality does not necessarily mean formal religion. It means different things to different people whether their Higher Power is God, Allah, Buddah, the Universe, or a higher consciousness of their own self. For me, mostly, it’s God. Sometimes it’s an intangible state of being I think of as my healthy-non-diseased mental state.

Whatever the case, I need to reconnect with my Higher Power in order to stop this slide. Allow me just to say that today I physically feel like utter crap and that’s a direct result of too many days in a row of eating off of my plan. Emotionally and mentally I’m still down, although I had a nice time last night — which I’ll share about later in this post.

I’m trying to take care of myself. Thanks to the forethought of arranging for a dogsitter to stay in my house last night while I went to Key West for the function, I was able to sleep in a little this morning. Staying in bed until almost 9 a.m. felt really good. I woke up to a beautiful morning, so beautiful in fact that it would have been a perfect day to take out the boat with friends. However, I didn’t rush to come back home. I realized that while I would have loved to be out on the water, I really didn’t want to be around a lot of people today. I feel like I have been surrounded by others without a break for too many days in a row. Don’t get me wrong, I like being social and enjoy the company of others at work and in my various other pursuits. It’s just that when I’m already feeling the effects of energy drain, I hit a wall.

So, today I decided that I would rather soak up some solitude hanging around the house with Nat and Pyxi. I also would treat myself to new spring flowers for my porch planters and rejuvenate my herb planter. This was another way of taking care of myself. With that decision made before I left the hotel this morning, I was in a calmer, more relaxed state of mind on the drive up home.

Perhaps that’s what opened me up to understanding why my funk and slide are prolonged. Lately, I’m experiencing a resuscitation of some co-dependency issues. Co-dependency kicks off my eating disorder because food and overeating were always my coping mechanisms. Destructive and not always effective, still, it’s how I coped.

I haven’t run up against a situation where I would experience co-dependency in the two-plus years that I’ve lived in recovery on my weight loss and health-reclamation journey. I’m not surprised that I didn’t recognize this right away, but now that I have the signs are very clear to me. Now that I know, it’s time, as Chrissy said, to jump horses on the carousel and look for help from my spiritual self and my Higher Power.

This is not something that I can resolve with an extra bike ride, although the endorphins help. I need to make the conscious decision to turn the problem, the situation, and my reaction to it, over to my Higher Power. Turning it over is another means of letting go of it. It requires admitting that the situation is not something over which I have any control, nor am I required to fix it.

My responsibility in this is to take care of myself. I need to stay aware of how the situation affects me and, when I feel its influence, not take that influence into myself but turn it over and let it go. It’s another kind of mindfulness, to realize how other people/places/things/situations can impact my health — if I permit them to. This aspect of my recovery requires help from my Higher Power, but I have to make the conscious choice to ask. Doing so will help me stop this slide and get back on the road to recovery.

Okay, now back to last night. A few weeks ago, I talked about finding a couple of new dresses for upcoming events and then also ordering some heels. Last night was one of the events. I had fun socializing with a large group of people whose company I enjoy. We talked, laughed, and danced a lot. It’s not easy to take a flattering picture of myself with my phone in a mirror, but hopefully you can get an idea. I think I looked great in one of my new dresses. (Please ignore the slightly strange facial expression. I was focused on trying to get the photo.)

newdress

This was the debut of one of the new pairs of shoes, too. First time that I’ve worn more than a kitten heel in forever. They were pretty and comfortable (for most of the night anyway). I slipped them off a few times, as did some of my friends with their heels, but I was never in pain. As I discussed in that earlier post, I haven’t owned a lot of really pretty shoes in my life. If I keep having this kind of success, I might become a late blooming shoe addict. What do you think?

Shoes

Body Matters General Musings The Past is the Past

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Apr 11

Taking You to Funk-ytown

by Mary Stella

That title contains a little bit of a local joke. A little bit across the water from my house is a house on a point of land. The people that own it fixed up the outdoor area with a little dance floor and sound system. Quite often music drifts out over the harbor – classic rock, old country, their tastes are varied. They also like to occasionally pump up the jam with disco and other dance music to which they also often sing. If you can call the caterwauling singing. Seriously, it’s the worst karaoke ever to the point where it’s laughable if you have a sense of humor or reason to call the deputies and invoke the late night noise ordinance if your ears can’t take it. The woman is particularly fond of shrieking along to, “Won’t you take me to Funkytown?” That was never the most melodious tune and it’s nine-fighting-cats-in-heat bad when she takes the microphone.

My Funk-ytown is different as in, I’m in a funk and have been for days. I thought I would be finished with just a one day buzz crash, but emotionally, physically, and food-wise, I’ve had a rough week. Put all three of those aspects on a downturn at the same time and they feed each other, which only makes me feel worse. Then it wipes me out so that I not only feel bad, I’m exhausted. Last night I was so tired that I fell asleep in my chair sometime after 9 p.m., woke up as Scandal was starting and was so muzzy-brained that I just turned off the television and crawled into bed. I woke up a couple of times in the night but fell right back asleep. Even with enough hours of sleep time logged, when my alarm went off at 6 a.m., I absolutely did not want to get up and go for a walk or bike ride. So I didn’t. I watched the DVR recording of Scandal instead. To digress a moment, if you’re a fan of the show like I am, allow me to virtually shriek, “OMG!! Cyrus is soulless!”

Anyway, there’s tiredness where I don’t feel like I can get enough sleep. Sluggishness from not exercising. Add in stress over a situation at work. Mix in some extra achyness — probably from being tired and holding onto stress. It all has the effect of stirring up my hunger. Big time. Around lunch, I was absolutely ravenous.

That alone is very strange. I usually only feel hungry when it’s appropriate for me to feel so, as in enough hours have passed since I ate something that the right amount of hunger signals me that it’s time for me to eat. Ever since my surgery, I don’t really feel severe hunger and certainly never the, “I could eat a small pony” degree.

This tells me that the, “Oh my goodness, I am STARVING” experience wasn’t physical hunger — at least not all of it. I think it was a bit of actual hunger dramatically magnified by my emotions. I then fed the anxiousness with lots of negative emotions and thoughts. Things like, “You’re eating off plan and you deliberately didn’t exercise. OMG, you’re relapsing. Your motivation is gone. You’re going to gain back all of your weight!!!!”

I don’t 100% know for sure what’s going on with me that I’m having all this emotional reaction and eating. What I’m trying to do to combat is to be aware of what I’m feeling and experiencing and sort out the truth from the disease thinking and acting. I remind myself that there are bound to be highs and lows on this journey. I don’t need to be perfect all of the time. I just need to strive for doing as best I can. I need to observe what’s going on around me, understand how it affects me and how often I let it affect my choices and behavior. Above all, I need to tell myself that this is a setback, not a road block. It’s a challenging time but it isn’t going to wreck me and screw up all of the fabulous progress I’ve made and success I’ve achieved.

I might visit Funkytown, but I’m not going to take up residence.

There’s probably more I can write on this topic and, certainly, more to explore. Unfortunately, no lie, I nodded off while typing a few sentences back. The sleepiness is upon me again so it’s time for me to listen to my brain and body and go to bed.

Body Matters General Musings

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