That title contains a little bit of a local joke. A little bit across the water from my house is a house on a point of land. The people that own it fixed up the outdoor area with a little dance floor and sound system. Quite often music drifts out over the harbor – classic rock, old country, their tastes are varied. They also like to occasionally pump up the jam with disco and other dance music to which they also often sing. If you can call the caterwauling singing. Seriously, it’s the worst karaoke ever to the point where it’s laughable if you have a sense of humor or reason to call the deputies and invoke the late night noise ordinance if your ears can’t take it. The woman is particularly fond of shrieking along to, “Won’t you take me to Funkytown?” That was never the most melodious tune and it’s nine-fighting-cats-in-heat bad when she takes the microphone.
My Funk-ytown is different as in, I’m in a funk and have been for days. I thought I would be finished with just a one day buzz crash, but emotionally, physically, and food-wise, I’ve had a rough week. Put all three of those aspects on a downturn at the same time and they feed each other, which only makes me feel worse. Then it wipes me out so that I not only feel bad, I’m exhausted. Last night I was so tired that I fell asleep in my chair sometime after 9 p.m., woke up as Scandal was starting and was so muzzy-brained that I just turned off the television and crawled into bed. I woke up a couple of times in the night but fell right back asleep. Even with enough hours of sleep time logged, when my alarm went off at 6 a.m., I absolutely did not want to get up and go for a walk or bike ride. So I didn’t. I watched the DVR recording of Scandal instead. To digress a moment, if you’re a fan of the show like I am, allow me to virtually shriek, “OMG!! Cyrus is soulless!”
Anyway, there’s tiredness where I don’t feel like I can get enough sleep. Sluggishness from not exercising. Add in stress over a situation at work. Mix in some extra achyness — probably from being tired and holding onto stress. It all has the effect of stirring up my hunger. Big time. Around lunch, I was absolutely ravenous.
That alone is very strange. I usually only feel hungry when it’s appropriate for me to feel so, as in enough hours have passed since I ate something that the right amount of hunger signals me that it’s time for me to eat. Ever since my surgery, I don’t really feel severe hunger and certainly never the, “I could eat a small pony” degree.
This tells me that the, “Oh my goodness, I am STARVING” experience wasn’t physical hunger — at least not all of it. I think it was a bit of actual hunger dramatically magnified by my emotions. I then fed the anxiousness with lots of negative emotions and thoughts. Things like, “You’re eating off plan and you deliberately didn’t exercise. OMG, you’re relapsing. Your motivation is gone. You’re going to gain back all of your weight!!!!”
I don’t 100% know for sure what’s going on with me that I’m having all this emotional reaction and eating. What I’m trying to do to combat is to be aware of what I’m feeling and experiencing and sort out the truth from the disease thinking and acting. I remind myself that there are bound to be highs and lows on this journey. I don’t need to be perfect all of the time. I just need to strive for doing as best I can. I need to observe what’s going on around me, understand how it affects me and how often I let it affect my choices and behavior. Above all, I need to tell myself that this is a setback, not a road block. It’s a challenging time but it isn’t going to wreck me and screw up all of the fabulous progress I’ve made and success I’ve achieved.
I might visit Funkytown, but I’m not going to take up residence.
There’s probably more I can write on this topic and, certainly, more to explore. Unfortunately, no lie, I nodded off while typing a few sentences back. The sleepiness is upon me again so it’s time for me to listen to my brain and body and go to bed.
Weighty Matters 
Hi Mary. I so hear you in this…. I can so identify. For me, when I ‘dip’ like this.. it’s a wakeup call about the spiritual side of my eating disorder. Truth is.. my surgery, and a healthy daily food plan are great tools for my life improvements. Then, my emotional healing, great decisions to exerise (usually.. though I am NOT as proficient or strong as you yet!), and commit to healthy living help. BUT.. they don’t long term take away my eating disorder..my compulsion (and lifetime habits) of trying to soothe ‘trials’ with food… my unrest with the world.. the dicisions I am soooo capable of making that will sabotage me.. followed immediately by self disgust, degrading, and a feeling of hopelessness. This is the spiritual lack for me.. the TRUE disease. I can do all these other things under my own “will power” so to speak.. given the right tools. … and have longs spells of success.. but the day always comes.. the reminder,,, that the power to change, to live in peace (including with the food, my body, and my inner self, and the world and it’s problems in general) ALL come from my higher power.. not matter how that is defined. for me it’s God. So then.. I have to ‘jump horses on the carousel” to the spiritual horse.. and spend some powerful time in prayer, meditation.. GRATITUDE… and usually service… have to face the issues of where I’m not forgiving.. accepting.. appreciating.. or being a perfectionist.. what lack of power is being the trigger to make me self destruct… Prayer helps at these times for me… followed by the determination to do the NEXT right thing.. (even if that means getting up out of the chair and dancing wildly to a song for a few minutes to get rid of the sluggishness).. or making a forgiving phone call… or an email… give the situation to God.. and forgive myself (and the universe) for the downfall.. which is simply the true nature of my disease raising it’s head.. reminding me it’s there… and that I CAN NOT control it, without HP’s help. Just about as soon as I re-admit that.. and ask HP for help.. the “dip’ is well on it’s way to over. Just thought I’d say this.. because it’s soooooo true for me! Know you are loved.. and I’m soooo rpoud of you.. and soooooo touched by your honesty and growth and inspiration… love, chrissy
I’m sorry you are in a funk and experiencing all that comes with it. That’s hard. I’m glad you are working on staying aware even so.
When I was talking with my therapist this week, we talked about my frustration with still being in therapy, still having major depressions, and so on. We ended up talking about brain chemistry and things you can do to affect it. One of the things she told me that is particularly sticking in my brain is that taking a walk of course gives you good brain chemicals like endorphins (if you work up a sweat) and serotonin. But if you talk a walk with a friend/family member, your brain also produces oxytocin which produces feelings of trust and well-being! That’s why new mothers and newborns experience a huge surge of oxytocin at and following birth, to facilitate bonding.
Maybe if you take a friend on a walk you will get an extra kick of feel-good chemicals and it will help you past your funk? It’s worth a try.
I hope you feel better soon!