Over the last week, I’ve been up and down and then, this weekend, mostly sideways. I continue to feel abundant gratitude for the kindness given to me and Nat. It inspires me to pay it forward and to be open to opportunities to be kind to others.
Yesterday I hosted a “tea” for a friend who is getting married in a few weeks. She didn’t want a big shower. The tea was her preference, which was fine with me because I love a good tea. It inspired me, of course, to dig in and give my house a deep clean — always a plus, even though I hate actually doing the work.
The down side, unfortunately, is that I felt compelled to bake cookies and scones for the event and to make a prosecco-lemonade punch. While these contributed to the loveliness of the occasion, they also provided occasion for me to contribute to my eating disorder. I ate wayyy too much stuff that isn’t on my plan, wasn’t eaten in a healthy sane way, and ended up giving me a stomach ache, acid, and a night of just being sideways. Sideways, for me, is akin to being numb. Not up, not down, but not fully engaged and functioning. I pretty much stretched out on the couch for most of the hours after my guests left and I cleaned up so I was physically sideways, too.
Note to self: When in that kind of mood, find a comedy to watch. Dead Man Walking, while it features wonderful performances by Susan Sarandon and Sean Penn, is not a jovial mood-elevator.
Today I did something really nice for myself. My regular nail tech is on vacation for a couple of weeks and I was due for a manicure and pedicure appointment. I wasn’t able to get a convenient appointment with any of the people she recommended. So, I indulged and went to the fancy spa of the big resort a few miles up the road. Although I paid much more than I usually would for these services, I give the technician credit. She did a great job and the foot and hand massages were extremely thorough. This little indulgence felt good.
I don’t want to get on the scale tomorrow because I fear that I undid all of the good that I did for myself last week when I was careful with my food and working out hard. So maybe I won’t. Maybe I’ll just stay on a healthy eating track, exercise, and not weigh myself until the end of the week.
Avoidance? Perhaps. However, I also don’t want to make myself feel any worse. I’m teetering on the edge of negative self-judgment and beating myself up.
Here’s the plan. I’m about to eat a tasty, planned for dinner, that’s also healthy. I got back a short time ago from a good long walk with Nat. I have rowing class at 7 a.m. tomorrow. I will commit my food in the morning and stick to the plan all day.
As long as I don’t let sideways turn around into completely losing progress, I can settle myself into my program and start moving forward again.
Weighty Matters 
Sometimes I have to remind myself that life is a journey with smooth patches and then obstacles and not a project that you complete and then sit back and admire. Fortitude, perseverance, and just getting up and keeping going is what propels you forward. You can’t be perfect, but you can be persistent and, to me, that’s being a success. I’d say you’re being successful in doing what needs to be done and looking forward.