When the scale was moving steadily down and I got to my current weight, I was over-the-moon delighted and excited. I felt powerful, supercharged, able to take on the world and pursue any activity or adventure. Oh, it was glorious!
All those wonderful, positive feelings really fueled me in the first couple of years. Since I’ve had this long period of off and on struggle, I’ve noticed another way in which the situation and my disease messes with my head.
Me at this weight when on a losing trend felt strong in body, fit, healthy and beautiful.
Me coming back to this weight — really only a few pounds in the grand scheme of things – feels weak, out of shape, out of sorts and not attractive.
So which is the truth? Which is the real Mary?
The one I choose.
This comes down to perspective and attitude. Thank goodness I realize this, even when beset with diseased thinking. Once more I make the choice to not be defined by my eating disorder and, furthermore, not permit that disorder to poison my self-esteem and self-view.
I’m not where I want to be, but I am still a whole lot better than I was. I have challenges, but I keep making the effort. It’s not great right now, but it’s not as bad as it was last week. My attitude is definitely improving.
In other news, I had a follow up with the foot doctor today. I have some improvement but not as much as I’d like. There are times when I can walk more easily mixed with times when each step is uncomfortably tight in the tendon and sharply painful in the heel.
So, I’m continuing with the running sneaks. Oh, how happy I was to at least find jazzy ones with purple and pink! Hey, if I have to wear them all the time, I should have ones that make me smile, right? I’m staying away from sandals, wearing the splint at night, and so on. I flex on the steps to loosen my calves. I might whine to myself about it a lot, but I’m doing what I’m supposed to do. After meeting with the doctor today, I’m 95% sure that I’m going to proceed with the Plasma Rich Platelet injection therapy he recommends. My health insurance policy covers it and the doctor is sure that it will speed and intensify the healing.
He would have done the therapy today but I put it off for a week. The downside is that I have to wear a boot for a week to ten days after the shot. That will drastically cut down on my mobility. Next week I have a couple of things going on at work that definitely require me to be more mobile. I can suck it up and deal with the pain in order to get those things accomplished. Also, darn it, it’s supposed to be really nice this weekend and I am determined to go out on the boat. I didn’t get out last weekend due to a slight problem with the engine but that should be fixed now. I can’t imagine that I will be able to clamber on and off the boat when booted, so I’m taking this opportunity while I can. I need that boon emotionally and I know that it will do me a world of good!
Weighty Matters 
Hi Mary, i’m glad you told me about this blog. I know I will follow it because I face the same kind of weighty matters. Thank you so much for all you did to make our visit at the DRC so much fun. The boys are still flying high. Also, you are right, your new sneaks are really jazzy. Let’s stay in touch and maybe encourage each other.
It was great to see you and meet your family. So glad you all had fun. Yes, let’s keep in touch and encourage! Safe travels!