Aside from the obvious health and life expectancy risks the negative effect that I hate the most is the damage that compulsive overeating and obesity do to my self-esteem and confidence. I may seem and act strong and secure, but the mental and emotional struggle to get there are very real.
It’s like the act of overeating, or of eating compulsively, just erodes away my core emotional strength. I start to doubt myself and my abilities. I begin to worry about how I’m perceived. I project that my weight enters the room/meeting/situation before me and sets me up to be judged and evaluated on how I look. If I’m not on the alert for this internal process, I start to shrink within myself and begin “playing smaller”.
Playing small is a reference from Marianne Williamson’s great reminder piece. In it she proclaims that “Your playing small does not serve the world.” I’m here to tell you that playing small doesn’t serve me either.
I seriously don’t like that my eating disorder leads to me undermining myself. It’s difficult enough to fight the external impulse of food without dealing with the internal challenges. Every piece of my confidence that erodes needs to be replaced. I have to devote mental and emotional energy to shoring up my core and my foundation. It’s damned exhausting.
It’s such an odd thing that food and eating have so much power beyond being or providing fuel for the body. Food needs to stay in its place in life as that fuel. No more, no less and no different.
The coming week is filled with industry-related meetings. These will require the best of my energy on all three levels – physical, mental and emotional. I’m already prepping, not only the paperwork, notes, and other materials, but also myself.
My confidence has taken a hit in the last few weeks. I need to build it back up again. My confidence took a hit but it isn’t out for the count. I’m picking it up and setting it straight so that I will function without fear in the way that I need to and how I know that I can.
Weighty Matters 
When I’m acting as a person in recovery, I replace food with something else that I enjoy – like taking a walk, doing a craft, reading, or just enjoying some quiet time on my porch.
Hi Mary, thanks for writing so openly. I’ve often overeaten when feeling emotional or angry, and it’s only now I am learning to use other means of control. What has worked for you in terms of replacing food with a healthier alternative to feel less stressed?